Taking stock

Wowzers, 31st of January is here already!!! Unbelievable! The speed of time is really almost mind-numbing. I hope we’ve all had at least a relatively fulfilling month. I think today will be a good day to reflect on the past four weeks, what we’ve achieved and what we’ve not been able to accomplish yet. I intend to take stock, to think of all the things I planned to have sorted out by now and assess my success. To be honest, this is how this entire year will fly past. We need to be wise and redeem the time, making sure that nothing catches us unawares.

I learned the importance of setting goals, strict yet reasonable goals. Not the types that we will start and give up on half way due to the extremity of it. We need to be very reasonable, doing things bit by bit. I have started setting daily goals for myself instead of sticking to monthly ones only. The daily ones help me know how close I am to the monthly ones.

This month has been a month of growth for me. I have learned a lot about life in these few weeks. I graduated this month. I completed a type of training course as well which has exposed me to the SAP world (which I once was totally oblivious to). I also stood in front of the God’s people to speak on His word during Bible Study. By the way, can I add that I was promptly tempted on the very same message I spoke on almost immediately? The devil, my friends, aint playing. He doesn’t chill and wait for you to gain strength. He attacks randomly and without any form of warning. I also was able to overcome by the grace of God, so for that I’m also thankful.

20 February

February is a very very special month for me on so many levels but most of all, because it is my birth month. I was born on the 20th of February so yes, if you don’t wish me happy birthday, I shall hound you! I have forewarned you oh!!! hehehe.

This year, February also represents a month of decision for me. I’m going to have to take some important steps which I’m totally depending on God for wisdom on how to go about them. I know He will always come through for me, ALWAYS. And remember, don’t take any step nor make any move without first consulting the Holy Spirit. It does help avert unnecessary stress and delay.

So guys, get thinking. How has your January gone? What have you achieved? Celebrate them by thanking God and giving yourself a pat on the back. You have done well! What opportunities have you missed out on? Why? How can you ensure you do not repeat the same mistakes in February? Don’t take anything for granted. Every moment matters…a lot.

Have a lovely Monday,

Here is another one of my grad pictures. I had to crop off my friend because I didn’t ask for permission to put his picture up (don’t wanna get sued, lol)

Temiville.xoxo

Songs that move me

Hi people,

Hope your past week went well. Mine has been like a soap opera. Orishirishi! But anyways, thank God for Jesus. I can do all things through His strength…even feature in a soap, hehehe…

Just thought to share with you some of my tear-inducing songs. I hope I don’t sound melancholy, lol. I really am not oh…

DOWN AT YOUR FEET

IJOBA ORUN

SEUN RERE

SWEET MOTHER

This is not all. I shall be back today 😀

Temiville.xoxo

How I got over Murphy

I once had a dog, Murphy. I got him as a little puppy. He was barely a few days old. He was the absolute cutest animal in the world to me. I was so smitten and the love was not unrequited. I spoiled him silly. He refused anything but bread soaked in Cowbell Milk as a puppy. When he grew, I was regularly patronising Tantalisers and Mr Biggs for their left overs (do people still do that?). He was so faithful to me. He loved all the members of my household but everyone knew exactly where Murphy’s allegiance lay. It was to me…alone. I loved him dearly.

One day, Murphy started acting strange. Instead of jumping on me in glee each time I returned from school, he would be in his little house, refusing to move. I thought he was just fronting at first but then, after two days of his strangely lazy behaviour, I knew something was wrong and so I took him to the Vet near ours. That was my first visit there so we had to register him and all. After checking up on Murphy, the Doctor delivered the news of Murphy’s illness. He had worms and we were prescribed some drugs which I administered to Murphy religiously.

Two days after the visit to the Vet, I woke up to see how Murphy was getting on. I could not find him in his little house. I called out, ‘Murphy’, ‘oh Muuuuurrrpppphy’, he did not respond with his usual bark. I searched everywhere. Under the cars, every room, every nook and cranny. There was no Murphy. I even asked the Aboki if Murphy had strolled out. No one had seen him.

That was how the search party began. All my brothers, my mom and even my dad who is not a fan of dogs started searching. We looked everywhere. We could not find him. Suddenly my brother screamed, ‘Ah!’ from the Boys’ Quarters. I knew it had something to do with Murphy. I ran into the back of the house to see what the matter was. The sight my eyes beheld made my knees go weak. There laid Murphy before me. He had gone into one of the abandoned rooms, to the back of a chair, had curled up in a ball and died.

I cried. I refused to be comforted. I even saw a little tear drop down from my eldest brother’s eyes. I could not eat. I mourned my best friend, Murphy for days. It was really bad.

The best way, however, that I could devise for handling the pain of the loss was to find a replacement, fast. So I was given a little Alsatian puppy which I promptly named Murphy. I had finally found Murphy’s replacement. Things were once again going to be as they before were.

However, things were never the same. Murphy the Second (Murphy II) was very faithful and loving to me but each time I called out to him, ‘Murphy’, it felt wrong. Eventually, he too passed away. But this time, I did not grieve.

***

The truth is that so many times we lose something either through our mistake or maybe God wants us to learn something and so, He withholds it from us. Immediately this loss occurs, we are quick to do something about it. It might not be death like Murphy’s case. It might be a relationship gone wrong (platonic or otherwise), a business proposal declined, an application rejected…Because we are so much in a hurry, we lose the moral of the experience. We don’t learn the lesson. We fail the test and we will eventually have to retake it. But unfortunately, we don’t know what it takes to do better next time, how to rewrite a good proposal, how to construct a winning cover letter, how to be better to our partner. We want to quickly find a QuickFix solution: we get someone to take their place, send out many more proposals and applications, keep moving on without taking a moment to reflect.

In my case, if I taken time to learn from Murphy the First’s death, I would have known that I should have taken my dog to the Vet regularly. I would have known how to protect my dog. When I found a replacement, I still lost it. Why? Because I repeated the first mistake. I did not learn.

How I got over Murphy was foolish. I ended up losing him again due to not learning from the first experience. Learn from yours. If there’s anything you are going through now, don’t be in a hurry to quickly find your solution. Instead, analyse the situation. Ask yourself, ‘where did I go wrong? How did I err? How can I avoid this in the future?’ Experience is only the best teacher when you take the class and pass the test. Otherwise, you will keep on repeating the same mistakes over and over.

Experience is the best teacher, but the tuition is high. No need to pay it twice.

Just thought to share this today.

Love lots,

Temiville.xoxo

Choosing my battles that I may win the war

I have this friend who had this friend who had this boyfriend who would offend her on a regular basis. She was regularly complaining about him. She was advised to end it with him, think things through and then decide if she really wanted to live her life like this. But each time she tried to declare their relationship over, he would chastise her for being so off handed and quick to give up. In his words, if they were married and he did something wrong, was that the same manner she was going to throw in the towel and ask for a divorce? He would also tell her that the devil (him) she knew was better than the amazing boyfriend she was hoping to meet after him after all, a bird in hand is worth two in the bush ahead…

These words, however lame you and I know they are, always struck a nerve and so my friend’s friend decided to prove that she was a strong woman. A woman, who like our mothers, has the capacity to handle a lot. So she stayed on in her relationship, kept on complaining to my friend, kept on accepting what she knew to really be unacceptable, kept on being a Proverbs 31 wife-in training. In her mind, she was preparing herself for marriage which at the end of the day, is not exactly a walk in the garden.

A while after, her boyfriend did the breaking up himself. This was not to date someone else, he claimed, but to ‘discover himself’. Plus, according to him, at 27, he was too young to marry and he was feeling pressured by her (they are age mates). This is exactly how a 3 year long relationship came to a painful end (painful for the girl, at least). Now, it’s all over.

***

I believe it is good to be strong. I believe you should be resilient. I believe you should be a fighter. But more importantly, I believe you should wisely and prayerfully pick those battles you engage in. Why waste energy and time on a battle that is not yours? It is good to hold on but please only hold on to what is yours?

Don’t waste your energy over what does not belong to you. The poor girl held on to who she thought was the one for her and started practising patience, long suffering and perseverance. These qualities are good. Every woman who wants to keep her home needs them (I am told). However, they should only be played out in the right way and on the right recipient. Don’t spend days fasting and praying for changes to take place concerning a situation you really have no business being in in the first place.

The Bible teaches us something I find so deep and so applicable today. Matthew 7:6 says, ‘Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.’

Do not cast your pearls before swine. What exactly was Jesus on about here? What are pearls? Your pearls are those things of value to you and eventually, to your destiny. What of swine? What/who are these? Swine are the unappreciative and undeserving people or situations of life. The people and situations God has not planned for you to be a part of. In other words, worthless/fruitless pursuits.

Your time is your pearl, don’t waste it on fruitless ventures. Your domesticated nature is your pearl, don’t go cooking for any man (or woman, as the comments on a recent post reveal that men cook greatly too) who is using you. Don’t be cleaning, washing and playing ‘wifey’ to someone that is not yours. Your body is your pearl, value it and don’t dishonour it. Don’t engage in pre-marital sex!!! As a matter of fact, your body is God’s pearl too so you need to be extra careful here. Your money is your pearl, don’t spend it on greedy girls who have no genuine interest in you all in a bid to impress. Your energy is your pearl, save your stress for more worthy ventures. Your words are pearls, be a person of few but wise words and speak them only to people who are not going to act as swine, turning every phrase against you.

All these being said, how then can we identify pearls and swine? How do you know if a particular venture is going to end up being a swine? How do you know if that plan is really worth it and you should keep at it or whether you should, like the girl earlier spoken of, up and leave? How?

Only God can give us this information. This 411 belongs to Him. He alone can reveal the deep and secret things to us. Imagine your phone when you buy it or sign up to a contract. If you have any problems with the contract, do you not immediately call the customer service department? If the phone is beginning to act weird, do you not refer to the manual to find out how exactly its manufacturers expect that situation to be dealt with?

God is our maker. He has the blueprint of our lives before Him. He knows what exactly we should be doing everyday. He knows who we should be with, the applications we should make and the jobs we should take. He knows ALL. Who better to turn to for leading and direction than God?

PROVERBS 3: 5-6

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

He alone can tell you whether to keep holding on or to jejely give up and move on swiftly. He alone can tell you whether that investment is going to yield returns or turn out to be the worst thing you’ve ever done. Why take chances? Let us learn to turn to God for wisdom. He is our General in this war of life. He will tell us which battles to fight so that we may eventually go on to win the war.

…Pick your challenges wisely. Don’t expend energy on what will not profit much…

That’s all beautiful people (for now). Have a lovely Wednesday. Wow, it’s been a week already since grad day! Time dey fly oh! Make we use am well…

Enjoy this song…

God bless y’all!

Temiville.xoxo

When Patience lost her virtue…

Hi guys! Thanks for all your congratulatory messages on my graduation. I shall be putting up pictures soon (when I get them). Thanks again. @ Shanday, lol at your comment on the 8 random things post, “I find wearing sunglasses at night so raze lolz. It is only acceptable if you have conjuctivitis or you are a comedian. Lolz” I actually laughed out loud! Thanks people.

This week, I want to focus on something that has been cropping up around me recently… Patience.

Patience is a beautiful attribute. I think it is from God. There are two sides to patience in my view.

1. Being kind and gentle with people.

2. Never being too much in a hurry to get things done.

I consider myself to be a very patient person (more in the ‘1’ sense though because when I want something done badly, I get it done fast). Well, some people are probably tearing their hairs out now screaming, ‘Temi you are not patient!’. But I honestly believe I am. I don’t spark for people ever. I do get angry (which human being doesn’t?). But this happens ever so rarely. Why? Is it because I have learned that sparking is for the weak? Is it because I am so holy? No! It’s because I try to do unto others as I would have them do unto me. Harsh words hurt me so I wouldn’t dish out hurtful words to people.

Anyways, I came across someone who I believe is worse than I am in the patience department. Yes, worse. He is extremely shy and quiet. People have a tendency to walk all over him and I can see it. I tend to feel like Voltron with myself sometimes and defend defenseless friends but because he’s a guy, I’m a bit wary of doing so. I don’t want to emasculate him. You know how guys can get with their pride and all what not.

I probably will be one of those girls people would hate if they started dating such a guy because all such walking over will stop with immediate effect. As in, I would not scream or fight or defend him in public but I will prayerfully put an end to it. It is good to be nice. I think it’s an admirable quality. You should always try to help those in need. Never turn a blind eye to people. But there is a marked difference between being nice and humble and being a push over.

I once had that in me.  I could take all manners of nonsense from people. I was sweet smiley Temi who could never vex for people. A number of people treated that with appreciation and respect but a lot more took it for granted. So I decided to go to God in prayers and the changes that took place after were mind blowing. I became confident, bold yet still shy. I could address a crowd without feeling like the ground should open. I could tell you straight up when I felt offended in a calm yet firm manner.

That greatly helped my spiritual life too as I no longer harboured sadness or latent anger. I was a free birdy. Always smiling still but this time the smile came from a place of peace and confidence not out of a keen need to be accepted.

***

So if you are like my friend who gets every Tom, Dick and Harriet walking all over him, you’d do well to pray it out of you. I am not certain anyone would be genuinely happy with being taken for granted simply because you are known never to say ‘no’. God wants us to be bold yet loving and kind. It is all about living a balanced life. Patience is a virtue but when taken for granted, I’m thinking it can easily transform itself into a vice.

That’s all people (for now)

Temiville.xoxo

YESTERDAY SEEMS SO FAR AWAY…

YESTERDAY SEEMS SO FAR AWAY

The leaves rustle silently in the trees

The blue bird chirps loudly and then flies away

The red Jaguar speeds past

The young student cycles away

***

It is a cold October morning

I never planned to meet you but I did

I never planned to speak but I did

We became close

***

How it happened, I can’t explain

But it did

You were my best friend

I told you all

***

I spared nothing

I gave you a lot

But I spared something

The days went by

***

I was happy

But I lacked joy

I laughed

But there was no peace within

***

I did not care

I just wanted to capture the moment

I wanted to bask in the ambience of ‘now’

Tomorrow could wait

***

December came

And with it great shame

For it was made known

You were never my own

***

The lies

The deception

The betrayal

The wickedness

***

How could you?

How could you look into the browns and lie

But deep in my heart I knew

The true fool was I

***

I dared fate

And it laughed me to scorn

But I was not prepared to let go

So I held on… and on

***

May was slow

The news came as a blow

I tried to prepare myself

For I knew it was to come

***

I see the stares

I notice the glances

Some mocking, others pitying

All painful

***

I see you looking happy but life goes on

The pain now, I can bear

The thread of sanity that I hold on to

Is the gift I never I never with you shared

***

The blue bird has gone quiet

The leaves are rustling loudly now

The Jaguar is now parked

The young student now runs to his class

Yesterday does seem so faraway

***An Ode To the Past***

That’s all folks (for now)

Temiville.xoxo

8 random things I wish someone could explain to me

Hi people!!! It is 3 am this Saturday morning and I am blogging. Well it is because there are certain things I just don’t understand. They puzzle me. So I thought to muse on them 🙂

1. Men who (think they) cook well

Don’t get me wrong, it’s okay if a man can boil egg, make indomie or even make rice and stew. But when a man starts questioning my egusi soup making technique or sharing yam porridge tips with me, I feel a bit worried.

I’m all about being depended upon in that department and must be honest, I would love that, ‘Oh I’ve been waiting on you’ look. Some people warn me, ‘Temi, you might like it now but it will eventually irritate you’ but that’s a risk I’m willing to take :p.

2. Women who cannot cook

I really don’t get the concept behind this. I’ve seen some women proclaim that, ‘I can’t cook’ as though it were something to be proud of. Whilst I do not hold the view that a woman’s abode is in the kitchen, every woman should be able to hold her own there (in my opinion).

3. The ‘Go Compare’ advert

I don’t get this commercial. I just don’t. That man is more than a bit annoying with his loud singing. The most annoying version was the when he did his little dance with some female dancers, I just kent!!! Here it is…

4. Girls who are snobbish especially to other girls

Why oh why?

5. (Fat) Men wearing skinny jeans

Men in skinny jeans amuse me enough not to speak of when they are big men. I don’t think it’s a good look for them. This picture doesn’t really explain my point well enough but I’m sure you catch my drift.

6. Overly long weave coming down your waist

I have seen some where the girl actually sits on her hair! I just don’t gerrit.

7. Faking  fone to a fellow Naija person

Some people think faking fone to anyone is crime enough but actually doing this to a fellow Naija is the height! It is especially amusing when for instance, you both finished Secondary School in Naija together but after 2 years in England, you can’t understand a word they speak anymore, lol. It cracks me up especially when it is mixed with their native accent!

8. Tribalism

One Nigeria?

This really puzzles me. It has eaten deep into so many people without them knowing. The first question people ask as soon as they hear you are Nigerian is, ‘where are you from?’ Is it not enough that I am Nigerian??? Even the most innocent of us has traits of being tribalistic. The idea of sticking to your own (especially in marriage) does my head in. If we can be so tribalistic then we have no right to blame those who are racist. Selah.

Just thought to share a piece of my random mind before going to bed this early Saturday morning.

God bless you all,

Temiville.xoxo

What can I say, really?

Hi people. I’ve been relatively quiet for a bit now and trust me, the thing that would stop my daily blogging must be a very strong thing. I have been so inundated with work, you cannot even begin to imagine.

There’s so much to report on, so so much. Loads have happened in the last two weeks. I have grown, learned stuff and I am so eager to share them with you.

Thank you for all your comments on all the posts and most recently on the Molara story. You would never know how many lives you’ve touched by actually sharing your personal stories. It makes people know they are not alone. Keep telling the stories and let people keep being encouraged. Thanks for that. I’m sure Oma has been greatly encouraged by all your words and if you have not dropped a line on the ‘What is wrong with me?!’ post, please do so.

@Oma: Thank you for sharing your story. I don’t wish abuse on the worst of my enemies and I won’t pretend to know what you are going through but all I can say is this, ‘There is a God who loves you dearly and wishes you nothing but the very best in life’. He is not happy that you are going through this and I just want you to run to Him. He will help you. Speak to someone you can trust. It does help a whole lot. I will also be praying along with you. Loads of love.xxx

We got some really interesting comments on the Molara story some of which I will highlight here. Please do take time to read the all the comments on the actual post. They are all very insightful and interesting.

Gbemisoke feels ‘that Lara does need divine intervention. Perhaps what she needs even more are some more hot slaps to shock her brain awake like a defibrillator would shock a heart that has stopped beating 

Lara doesn’t need a long sermon at all, she already knows she is going down the wrong path. Our lives are shaped by our choices and even though God loves us so much, He sent Jesus to Calvary’s cross, He doesn’t hold us back from choosing our own paths. He’ll patiently wait for Lara (and you and I) to come back after we’ve learnt the hard way, but we would have to live with the consequences of our choices.’

Peaches and cocunut said, ‘as someone who condoned abuse for an ‘extended’ period of time, it NEVER gets better…always, always exacerbate! Get a support system that is averse to this kinda thing (even if they are e-buddies or strangers). Better yet, tell your mom! She would pray d devil back to hell!!!’

Oyinkan advised  that ‘as a Christian girl the best advice I can give Lara is to take a needed break from dating to surrender the part of her heart that is relationship-focused to God, cause unfortunately it may feel like she has, but she really hasn’t. I think she should get into His Word and in His presence so He can tell her the amazing things He thinks about her, incredible ways He feels about her, the phenomenal words He’s spoken over her life, her future, her destiny, even in the area of relationships.’

The Molara story is a fact-based fiction which means although there is no specific Molara Owolabi who went to Covenant University out there, there are many Molaras who are experiencing this type of problems and are still staying on in an abusive relationship. Most of the time, if we look deep at this type of case, it is fear that holds people from letting go, fear of being alone. They think to themselves, ‘where do I start from?’, ‘what will people say?’

Can I just encourage anyone in these shoes to remember that fear brings nothing good our ways. It actually torments. It holds you back from the great things ahead which God is preparing for you. It is not of God. There is no fear  in love because perfect love casts out fear. Don’t worry yourself about how you will cope. Just know that YOU WILL BE JUST FINE. Don’t hang on to the hope that one day he/she will change. Like I tell my friends, the only thing the wrong person you hang on to will do is to keep you away from the right one.

My prayer for anyone going through a rough relationship that is headed no where is that God will give you the courage to UP and LEAVE! Amen.

PS: Singing loudly: What can I say unto the Lord, all I have to say is THANK YOU LORD!!!I want to thank God for seeing me through my course. I graduated yesterday!!! Yay!!! Thanks guys for all the BB dedications, twitter posts, calls, text messages, gifts, hugs, prayers etc.  A friend I last saw about 9 years ago was there too. I appreciate you all. I’m still waiting on the amazing photographer I had to release the pictures. I’m sure they’ll be great! I took this one with my phone.

For the first time in my life, I stood in front of the church to speak to people (yesterday too). I was more than a bit nervous at some point but I told God to take control and take control, He did. I’ll tell you all about it soon.

God bless you all,

Temiville

What is wrong with me?

I cannot seem to identify the problem with me but I am hundred percent sure something is not quite right. It is getting so frustrating these days. I know what I am doing is not right. I am sure I going down the wrong path. I have been warned. The admonitions and warnings are all so familiar to me. Even I have passed on these nuggets of wisdom in the past to erring friends. I know my wrongs, yet I do them. Before I proceed, I will give you a brief run through of who I am.

I am Omolara Owolabi, a 23 year old who just finished her Masters in Information Technology with Management from Loughborough University. I am tall, dark skinned and slim. I’m not exactly Miss World and neither am I Princess Fiona from Shrek. I am just there, really, but with MAC on my side, wonders can take place.

The issue with me however is that I can’t seem to like the decent guys around me. Ok, please don’t pre-judge me. I am not a loose girl. Not in the least bit. I am a good Christian who loves God and wants so badly to do His will. The problem is that once I find out a guy likes me, I begin to lose interest. I prefer those that I have to run after. The ones whom I call but don’t pick and when it is about 12 midnight, they ring back. I can’t stand those who remember my birthdays and buy me flowers and chocolates. I prefer those who forget and even when told, don’t bother buying anything and when I ask, they complain that I’m being materialistic, a nag and overly fussy. When a guy is all nicey nicey, I think he is slow, boring and generally ‘dulling’. I prefer the ones whose phones I have to keep checking, in whom I have no trust. The ones who keep my heart racing, who give me no peace whatsoever. I know I am being hard on myself but I am so frustrated with all I have been doing and the decisions I have been making lately.

I have been so sad all day. So sombre. So ‘burnt’. All my fears regarding Deji have come to pass. Yesterday evening, Deji came visiting. He used my laptop to check his Facebook account. As soon as he finished with it, I took it off him to check mine. I then noticed that the web page said ‘Do you want Google Chrome to remember this password?’. I thought to myself, ‘no I don’t’. Another part of me argued, ‘of course you do’. After much internal debate, I fell. I saved his password and as soon as he left, I sat down over a cup of coffee and logged into his account.

Nothing on God’s green earth could have prepared me for what I saw. There were chat messages with three different girls. In all these messages, he denied being in a relationship. He was toasting one and apparently the other two girls were a done deal. I then proceeded to his inbox. There was nothing compromising at all. Until I saw his conversation with his friend Kolade. Kolade asked,

‘Guy how far…the job don click?’ I was puzzled so I checked his response to Kolade. ‘Omo e don click oh. The two of them sef. Those girls are fine!’ It was then I understood what ‘job’ stood for. Those girls were the jobs. The jobs ‘clicking’ implies that they had succumbed to his advances, where in terms of a normal relationship or simply to sleep with him, I don’t know. Only God knows if I too was one of the jobs of which Kolade asked with regards to sleeping with me.

Deji and I started our relationship in Covenant University in our final year. I found him way more appealing than Steve who was also asking me out then. Deji was fun. Steve was boring. Steve was very kind and good to me. Deji was usually quick to dismiss me and was never there for me. Yet, in him I found fun and excitement and for that reason I held on. Steve was in the choir and usually hung out in the Chapel. Deji, on the other hand, was always with his clique of friends in Bashan in the Cafeteria. Despite the fact that I was aware that I was not the only girl he was asking out, Deji could do no wrong in my eyes. I fell for him, hook, line, sinker. He had swag. Steve, however, was entirely swagless. He was not my type and I really could not bear to be engaged in conversation for too long with such a bore.

Eventually, I started dating Deji but since our relationship began, I have not known peace. He leaves me to pick his calls and when I ask why, he complains that I nag. He passworded his Blackberry after I saw some suspicious messages. Even if he wants to quickly nip into the loo, Deji must take both phones with him. On his BB, he ends all his chats so there is absolutely no way of knowing wassup with him. As you must know by now, the mere fact that I am interested in knowing ‘wassup’ with him is proof that I don’t trust him. I don’t trust him. Yet, I can’t leave him.

We started Masters together in the same university. I got admission into the best university in the UK for my course but because I didn’t want to be without him, I accepted Loughborough which is the one he was going to. It is not because I was going to miss him so much that I took that decision. No! It was because I didn’t want him to be by himself. I wanted the whole school to know he was taken. His status on Facebook says, ‘In a relationship’ but no matter how hard I asked, pleaded with and even begged him to connect it to my profile, he refused. So I made up my mind to make it clear to all with whom he was in a relationship.

I am not much of a party person, not in the least bit. But because of my resolve to hold on tight to my man, I had to go for countless parties. All through the night, I would hold his arms firmly, dance with him in ways that will make my mom cringe. I did this all in a bid to put my stamp of ownership on him. Yet, he only got worse. I heard of his trysts with girls all over England, from Manchester, to Birmingham, to London and even all the way in Dundee, Scotland. I ‘heard’ but I never had any proof. I didn’t want any proof either.

The worst of all is that Deji has started getting physical with me. The other day, I was having a conversation with a male friend on the phone and Deji was seated next to me on the couch in the flat he shared with his friend, Eddie. I was totally fed up with Deji’s dodginess so I decided to spur jealousy in him by being flirtatious on the phone. He had no idea who it was I was speaking to. But I was laughing and using my sexy voice. Before I could say ‘God is good’, he grabbed the phone from my hand, cut it and gave me a thunderous, ear deafening slap.

‘In your life, don’t try that kind of nonsense with me again!’, he roared.

I held my cheek in shock as the tears began to flow of their own accord. I was speechless. I wasn’t expecting him to be pleased with my phone conversation but I certainly was not expecting a slap. I got angry, screamed at him as I put my shoes on and picked my phone to call a cab. He shouted back, calling me a whore. The next minute, he was on his knees, begging me and saying,

‘Lara, I don’t know what came over me. I love you so much. I just can’t bear to see you with another man. Please baby, don’t go. I love you.’

As I listened to him, I knew he had me hooked. As soon as he noticed me softening, he smiled and said,

‘no matter what I do, you know you can’t leave me. You are mine and you can’t go anywhere’.

He then hugged me. I was cold for a minute but I eventually hugged him back, tightly too.

‘I really need divine intervention’, I think to myself as I now log on into my Facebook account. Could Deji be right afterall that I will never leave him? I love him so much and this has made me endure his behaviour for so long.  I just can’t seem  say, ‘ Otito! E don do!! Enough is enough!!!’

What is wrong with me?

Once bitten, forever shy…

How easy is it to forgive AND forget? Is this even possible? This is something I have been mulling over for a while now. I have always been a firm believer in forgiving people who have hurt you but protecting yourself from future harm. The way to do this is acknowledging their weak points and help them not to offend you again by refusing to make your past mistakes of over trusting them. For instance, if you know someone has a problem with stealing, you refrain from leaving money lying around when they are there. This way, you might have totally forgiven them for the last time they stole your stuff, but you sure are not letting it happen again.

Let me give a short illustration: If your friend gets angry easily and when angry, can scream at you publicly and say all manners of demeaning words to you, do you keep freely joking around her, knowing any little thing can tick her off or do you tread carefully or even at the extreme, gradually reduce contact since you know you don’t have the heart that can handle such? I know people who can fight now and speak vile words at each other and the next minute, they are back to being best buddies. But if you are the type of person who gets deeply hurt by words, do you keep putting yourself in the firing line? Is that even wise?

You know the passage about guarding your heart with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life? Well, by knowing that a person has a weakness in a particular area, and refusing to let them hurt you, are you not so guarding your heart? If you keep letting someone hurt you because you have chosen to forget their weak points, you will keep getting hurt if they repeat it and this might even lead to bitterness which is a whole load of trouble in itself because the chances are high the unforgiveness will set in.

I underwent a bit of Bible research to find out if there is any part of the Bible that focussed on forgetting that someone has the tendency to err in a certain area because of your past experiences with them. I discovered quite a number of passages onforgiveness but not on forgetting. Is the whole concept of forgetting not Biblical?

Ephesians 4:26-27 says “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, {27} nor give place to the devil.

Hebrews 12:14-15 says we ought to “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. {15} See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

Matthew 6:14-15 also tells us that “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. {15} But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Those are the types of messages I was receiving concerning forgiveness. Not once did I learn that we ought to wipe it off our heads. Please don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong in forgetting people’s wrongdoing to you. I have forgotten quite a number of wrong done to me. However, it was with time that this happened. After totally forgiving them and not feeling hurt anymore, I made an effort not to dwell on it anymore and with time (sometimes days, sometimes weeks, depending on the gravity), I totally forgot all about it. What I’m not entirely sure about, however, is whether this is something we ourselves should strive towards. Should we just let God do His thing in our lives and not try to delete the memories ourselves?

It is only God that I know forgives our iniquities and remembers them no more. The aim is to be perfect like God. However, I believe God Himself will work this in us. I also believe it is wise to learn people’s strengths and weaknesses and ensure that we do not play on their weak points. We can only do this by remembering how they once were. We pray for them but still refuse to lead them sin’s way.

We might remember the wrong done to us, but what we do with this memory is what is crucial. Do we feel bitter? Do we just want to ‘do our own back’?

1 Peter 4:8 says Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

So guys, do you think it is possible to forget totally that someone hurt you deeply? If yes, how do you get yourself to that point? A friend once argued that there really is no forgiveness when you don’t forget. How true do you think this is? Finally, if we leave an offender to God, is that true forgiveness?

Let’s muse!

Temiville.xoxo

Enjoy this song I discovered recently…

RANDOM CONFESSION: Moving