Help! He never forgives!

46 Comments

Hi guys!

How are you doing? So much is happening around the world and even here in our precious country, Nigeria. From flooding to bombings to all sorts of insecurity here and there. Even in the US, Sandy is not smiling and I hear it’s gradually finding its way to the West Coast. I saw pictures on Daily Mail and I was weak. I pray God protects everyone all around the world from all scourges they might be facing-Flooding, Hurricane, Suicide Bombing, False Accusation etc. God help us all. Amen.

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Let’s take a stab at this guys!

“I’ve been dating this guy for 11 months and it has been all kinds of amazing, all shades of beautiful. He is decent, respectful, caring, nice, friendly. He is from my town in Imo state (a big deal if you’re from my family). I genuinely think I have kissed the last frog and he is the Prince I have been waiting for BUT there is one issue: he is so unforgiving and vindictive.

Whilst he was ‘toasting’ me and we were in the tell-me-about-you phase, he mentioned this to me, stating that it is a struggle he was battling with but that he finds it hard to forgive anyone who offends him. He also mentioned that it is the little things not the big things that tick him off. Subconsciously, since that day, I have been walking on eggshells around him. I censor my jokes. I hardly kid around him and I try to be proper. These are not big deals so I didn’t mind. I tell lewd jokes anyways so change in that area of my life is welcome.

A few weeks ago, I went out with him and his friends and watched him blatantly ignore a particular guy all through. In the car as we left, I asked him about it. To my utter amazement, I discovered that the guy he was ignoring all through was not even a random guy but was his cousin who had offended him 5 years ago by being rude to his mom. He was drunk that day and got rude, not only to my boyfriend’s mom but also to her sister who is his own mother. The next day, he had come over to apologise, beg, prostrate and my boyfriend’s mom had long since forgotten about it but not my boyfriend who vowed never to have anything to do with him. He boycotted his cousin’s wedding in February this year and blatantly acts like he doesn’t exist.

In my attempt to be a good wifey, I said, ‘babe, don’t you think that’s ungodly and not good enough? You should forgive him o. You are blood’. The response I got from him shocked me to my core and even as I type this up, I am still reeling in disbelief. ‘Look here, my friend, if you ever mention this matter again, you will not like the outcome. Stay out of what does not concern you.’ No one taught me how to go mute. I was shocked at his obstinacy. I was hurt by his words to me. All the way from VI to Ogudu where I live, we spoke not one word. He dropped me and just said ‘take care’ and zoomed off. It was me that called him the next afternoon to say ‘how are you?’ as the silence was killing me. The conversation was short.

I then read an article about giving guys space and not being too clingy or trying too hard so I decided not to get in touch with him till he does so. I even went as far as planning to ignore his first few BBMs or calls, whichever came before finally responding. I never got the chance. I didn’t contact him throughout Monday and neither did he contact me. Tuesday same. Wednesday same. On Wednesday, I decided to update my status and be dramatic bewailing the death of an ‘uncle’ I never knew that well. I put this up: Death where is thy sting, Uncle not you! and changed by dp to a lighted candle on a black background. My boyfriend ignored it. On Thursday at about 3pm, I couldn’t take it anymore and I called him. He didn’t pick at first. I called back a minute after and he picked. I told him how I was feeling and he reminded me of a few things:

1. He had told me in advance he hardly forgives;

2. This cousin extra hurt him because the wrongdoing was on a family member-people he does not mess with. To make matters worse, it was on his mother;

3. I butted in on something that does not concern me daring to preach to him; and

4. Did I not think that other people would have tried to settle this all these years? Who do I think I am to be telling him what is godly!

I stood there stunned. All I could say was, ‘I didn’t know. I am sorry’. We eventually ‘made up’ and carried on as normal but I just cannot shake the episode off.

The way he can keep malice with a family member with which he once was tight bothers me. Who then do I think I am to escape his lingering venom? I suspect he is the type who can live in the same house with someone for years and never speak with them. The sad part is that I really like him and aside of this, he is almost perfect.

Another side of me argues, can anyone really be perfect? Even I have my own problems. Does that then mean I should be discarded immediately? Should I pray and fast for his change? Or should I just realise this battle is not mine to fight and walk away because I might one day be a recipient of his unforgiving nature?

Help!”

What do you think people?

Temiville.xoxo

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When the waiting period seems like forever…

23 Comments

Hi people, How is it going? Since Bar Part 1 ended, I’ve been home with my brothers and parents. The first couple of weeks were okay. It was great to be home and help out and also to cook. Yes, Bwari stifles your cooking mojo as there is no cooking allowed. However, after 3 weeks of being home, I can authoritatively say I am fed up and looking forward to November 12’s arrival. Being at home is just not my thing. I hardly have breaks between my tasks and like to keep each period filled. But oh well! A lot of Bar 1 students feel the same. Most lawyers will say we should try and enjoy the calm before the stress of Law School starts but to be honest with you, I am ready. Really fed up of being home plus with the whole fuel scarcity thing, randomly going to a friend’s house or going out cannot be happening. Every outing has to be well needed and well planned. Anyways, to today’s post. The story is told of a person whose big sister recently married a married man. I mean, I was uber excited when I learned of the proposal. You see, the girl in question is the last child and even she is about 3 years older than I am. Her big sister is the first child and there are 3 boys between them. My point is this, her sister was well into her 30s. She got married at 36, barely 3 months after the proposal. It was a sharp sharp thing. Almost as if, if they don’t marry immediately, the man may change his mind. So they did it. Her parents gave their blessing. What is shocking is that both parents are Christian (implication of which is that they are expected to understand God’s stance on polygamy). But everyone turned a blind eye to it. It was a case of, ‘wo, you cannot understand, God will not let you be 35 and unmarried, that’s when you will have a better understanding of how things are. Omode lo nshe e(Translation: you are a child and are not mature enough to understand these things). But really? How does God’s view change with the people in question’s age? I didnt’ think it did. I don’t think it did. I know it must be difficult for a 35 year old woman or even man to have no companion (if they so desire). I will not make light of the loneliness she must have been feeling but marrying someone else’s husband does not ever solve your problem. Only God can. The story is told of an even older woman who got married two weeks ago to a single man (a widower). God gave her her own man. Others have waited longer and have also gotten God’s best. I think when you go ahead and marry a married man, you are telling God He is just too slow for you and you are wiser and have faster methods of achieving your goal. The end result is not always so great. I think I have lived a highly shielded life and each time I hear of these things, I marvel. How can a young girl with so much prospects in life decide that a married man is the best thing for her? I don’t get it. How is the wife to feel? Or is it not considered? You hurt someone and bring them so much misery and you want to live happy. I don’t understand.

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This brings me to my main point: in life, sometimes, things don’t always come exactly when we want them. Sometimes we have to sit back and watch our friends pass JAMB and go on to the University of their choices whilst our results are being withheld or we settle from Law to English or from Medicine to Marine Science. We sometimes even watch some go abroad whilst our parents are still struggling with tuition here in Nigeria. We watch some get amazing jobs whilst we keep getting rejected. We watch some get engaged at 24/25 whilst at 29/30+ we are still looking unto God and hoping the Dele we are seeing will stop cheating and start loving us. We watch some have weddings that almost rival the Royal Wedding with N1.5million naira cakes, $7000 wedding dresses, N3million naira venues, N240,000 make up artistes, N1 million naira wedding bands, Wizkid entertaining whilst we can hardly afford a wedding planner and are trying to see if the caterers can make food for 300 people go round 500 people or we just make it strictly by IV and invite only 200 people. Some even have to wait a while whilst their friends, exactly 10 months after marriage, are putting on their BB statuses, ‘My Princess has arrived’. It goes on and on. The point is this: whichever side of the divide you fall, there will be some areas of your life you feel less than satisfied with and need God’s intervention. During the waiting period, you’ll hear of others getting their own breakthroughs. But do not despair. The fact someone else has started eating the food God prepared them does not mean God has left the kitchen. Don’t DIY it. Your best attempt does not even come close to what God will do on His worst day. If you wait on Him, you’ll be glad you did. Don’t marry another man’s wife and vice versa. Don’t ask mammy water for a Child because you’ve been waiting too long (I watch too many Yoruba movies, lol). Don’t cheat your way into making money using the Section 419A Criminal Code means (sorry, I just had to put that in there hehe. I only just recently discovered that 419 is an actual section in the Criminal Code that criminalises obtaining by false pretences). Let God do His thing and as we wait, let us thank Him in advance for what He will do and thank Him for the great things He has done. Be genuinely happy for people getting those things you so terribly want knowing yours is not so far away. You see, I focus on marriage a lot because it is such a sensitive issue with life altering effects and as my mom says, marriage can make or mar you. If you cheat to make money, you can repent and make restitution but there is hardly any going back in marriage that would leave you unscathed. Also, the pressure on a lot of young people is too much. Even my dear aunties now, when they come around that’s all they focus on. They ask sweeping questions about my career and education but when it comes to relationship, they will sit down and interrogate me. I thank God for my parents who seem very happy to have me around and trust God’s timing. But even if your folks harangue you, be confident and let them know, God will do it as He makes all things beautiful in its time. During your waiting period don’t be like the girl up there who waits in isolation. No. have fun with your friends. Celebrate people’s achievements. Go for their promotion parties and contribute if asked to and don’t say, ‘shebi its him they promoted, why should I contribute to his party?’. Buy as many aso ebisas you can afford. I remember this lovely lady from Sheffield. She and her husband had been waiting on God for the fruit of the womb for more than 15 years. Each time someone had a baby, she’ll be the one to help carry the baby to dance to the front during the dedication. Today, her son is about two years old.

Beautiful aso ebi ladies

Ore Iyawos from Nigerianwedding.org

Pray for them. Rejoice with them and yours will come too. Temiville.xoxo

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Don’t go with the flow!

27 Comments

“You see, truth be told, Deola never asked me out. We simply went with the flow. Or rather, I did. As the current moved me, I followed. We had been together for 9 months when he told me he was not my boyfriend. I had always been careful. I never introduced him as my man for the time we’d been together but each time his friends called me ‘Our wife’ after eating the food I had so painstakingly prepared, I wouldn’t protest. Neither would Deola. For 9 months, we went to see a movie every week. For 9 months, I would perform all the roles of a girlfriend and Deola never deemed it fit to correct me.

Anyway, that is beside the point. What amazes me is the fact that all my friends blame me for being stupid. I must mention that during the 9 month period, only Jane vehemently expressed the opinion that I should ask Deola exactly what we were doing, the remaining two girls said I should let sleeping dogs lie and not ruffle any feathers. ‘Let him be, in due course, he’ll let you know where you stand’, they insisted. Now, it is the very same two girls who accuse me of being slow. Jane has been mute all through my speech of how the relationship between Deola and I has finally been defined- as nothing.”

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Never go with the flow. It leads most people nowhere and the others to heartache and a life of uncertainty. Only a negligible few have good tales to tell  of how going with the flow have landed them in a good place.

Going with the flow is for the weak, those who have no self confidence and are so grateful to be in that ‘relationship’ that they dare not ask for its definition. They are happy with the crumbs. Even if the bread never comes their way.

You might think you are being a good, understanding, meek, wife material by keeping mute when things are not quite right. You are wife “material” but it might never get past that.

You allow yourself be walked all over. You say, I will be one of those who through faith and patience inherit the promise. No. It doesn’t work that way. That passage of the scripture refers to God not ‘your’ man.  Only God requires us to keep quiet, trust in Him even when things don’t seem right. Don’t place such confidence in a man. He does not even have such confidence in himself.

In the end, men like Deola end up with a girl who’s courageous enough to ask, ‘what do you want from me?’ from the get go and mean it, ready to walk away if the answer does not meet up with what God has revealed to be His plans for her life. You might do all the clothes washing, bathroom scrubbing, shirt ironing, yam pounding for him but that would not make a man who has no intention of anything serious with you suddenly say, ‘wow, she makes a wicked Egusi soup, she must be my wife!’

Finally, remember, only women usually enter into something with one mindset and along the line, ‘fall in love’. It hardly happens to men. On friends with benefit (aside of its traditional meaning, benefit also includes: companionship etc), a man once told me that the concept of friends with benefit is perfect for the male folk and the woman usually goes to mess it all up by beginning to realise how great the guy is and how if she tries harder, he might see how great she is too. So don’t be thinking you can make him love you.

Desperation makes us go with the flow. Confidence makes you pause and ask, ‘where is this leading?’ Keep looking unto God, the Author and Finisher of your faith and never settle for anything less than His best for you!

Temiville.xoxo

Bar Part 1 is over!

16 Comments

Hi people,

I won’t even go into details of how much of a while it has been. It’s been too long mehn. But yeah, Bar Part 1 is over!!!

Just a quick recap: after running away from it for almost 4 years, I decided to go to the Nigerian Law School in June. I knew without an iota of doubt that this is EXACTLY what I wanted. Plus, after interning with two Magic Circle law firms (Naija version) and seeing the emphasis placed on seniority at the bar (especially in one of them), I gave myself brain and decided that -3 is better than -4. I mean, I had some of my juniors from Secondary School giving me files to carry and asking ‘Temi, how far with the assignment I gave you?’ *wails uncontrollably*. Anyways, as my dad will say, humility will only take you higher and so, I am learning to be humble and trust God’s plans and timing for my life. The consolation I have is that at least, I wasn’t playing during my post LLB years and I do not regret the decisions I have made in life. HOWEVER, note of warning: He who hath ears, let him hear. If you are planning to practice as a lawyer in Nigeria, as soon as you are through with your LLB or max LLM, fly straight to Bwari and begin your law school programme. Do not even try chilling and hustling for work in Jand or Yankee UNLESS you intend to stay back because frankly, the experience doesn’t do that much for you. I have said my piece.

Ok, so I am done with Bar Part 1 and will soon commence the second, main and final leg of the programme. When I started law school, I got a lot of advice from those that were on their Bar 2 programme saying things like, ‘Temi, you like to stress yourself, you better relax and save all your zeal for Bar 2’, ‘Bar 1 is a joke, you can study a day before and do well’, ‘Why on earth are you organising a Study Group? Go to La Liga, go to Elim, go to Play, chill, relax, have fun, it’s just Pass or Fail’. All I can say is THANK GOD I DID NOT LISTEN!!! I can tell you for free that Bar 1 is not a joke. Not unless you are a risk taker. I am not. Aside of the huge sum of money the BL costs, I really have no interest in coming out of exams and not certain that it went well. My friends and I all agree that if we hadn’t studied hard, burnt the midnight oil, we would have really struggled. It wasn’t entirely a piece of cake. But I thank and trust God sha.

Thank You Lord for the successful completion of Bar 1. Trusting You for the Bar 2.

Onto the next 1!

Yay!!! Nominated in 2 categories!!!

5 Comments

Eshe pupo! Thank you people. Despite my absenteeism, you have all chosen not to pull an ‘Outta sight, outta mind’ on me and for this, I am so so so grateful.

MCLA was nominated in 2 categories: Best Writing Blog and Nigerian Blog of the Year!

 

 

I’m especially excited because I realised nominations were open really late into the exercise so to have made it makes me happy. Actual voting to win starts on Monday!!!

This is the push/motivation I need, lol.

Love loads,

Temiville.xoxo