Reader Response: I should not have married that man!

9 Comments

Hi guys,

Today’s post was received from a reader and she granted me full permission to use it. Please read and learn and if you can, share your advice.

Sometime this week, I shall follow up on a little piece of advice for her ( I will include readers’ comments too). I am no expert (AT ALL) but I read a lot and listen to old folks a lot so I have gathered and will still gather more information that I believe will assist in helping our reader.

I have amended the email a bit, mainly for typos and abbreviations, as it appeared sent in a hurry.

Have a lovely week ahead.

Temiville. xoxo

***88% unedited to maintain the integrity of the Reader’s Post***

Hi Temiville,

Welcome back to blogging *side eye*. Unlike another commenter mentioned, I wasn’t just about to remove you, I had completely stopped checking for your blogs. I thought you had abandoned blogging. Anyways, I have enjoyed your recent posts and congratulate you, again, on your son’s birth. May he outlive you and prosper in health and God’s grace.

To my story (I grant you permission to use EXCEPT my photo and name):

I got married to the wrong guy and I knew it, just like I am sure Onome knew it. But I went ahead so it was not a case of not being warned. My own case was not even cheating. It was just plain incompatibility. Like not respecting my cake and icing theory and not going for a man that we will blend well together. Even I knew that my husband and I were and are still not for each other but I went ahead having been told by many that fun, excitement in marriage and running around on the beach is best left for fairy tales… I therefore thought nothing of our lack of excitement: I am not an expressive person and my husband is even worse than I am. At least, I tell him I love him. He has NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER EVER EVER told me those three words.

I remember during my bridal shower, I was asked who said ‘I love you’ first and I just laughed and said “I did”. Little would the girls know that there was no confusion in that regard. This is just to emphasise the point that mine is a passionless marriage. He doesn’t hug me. We hardly kiss. We never hold hands. Sex is without ANY form of foreplay and all these got even worse after we had our second daughter. If I thought things were bad, now they are just plain laughable.

I have been dissatisfied for a while and blamed it on my weight gain. I was size 8 when we married in 2012. I’m now a size 12 but I believe I look alright (see my recent photos attached). I got so convinced I had lost my appeal and to ‘test’ it, I went to the City Mall near the Government House at Azikiwe Road in PH where we live. I went without my ring and was approached by a guy, after a few minutes. I confirmed, at least, that I am not bad like that even if no longer the ‘lepa’ I was back when we met and married. Even when we met, he would never say I look good or look bad. He was just bland. Like you once told people in your blog and I confirm, marriage changes no one. He stayed the very same. Slightly worse sef as then, I knew I was okay but now, with a jiggly lower belly and fatter thighs, a bit of encouragement would really help my self esteem.

I listened to this Myles Munroe preaching (see link below) where he advised women to quit complaining about an unromantic spouse and start organising dates and initiating stuff. So I got gingered and started. Maybe it was my method of execution, but I pretty much had a 40% success initially and now, we are back to where we started.

I remember one ‘date’ we went on. We hardly spoke, so much that the couple beside us kept throwing us glances as if to ask if we were dumb and all. It was only when the waiter took our orders that they confirmed that the cat hadn’t gotten our tongues. We have ZERO chemistry. I at least find him attractive though he lost the six pack he had when we met but with him, I must appear so ugly.

He always looks forward to going out with the boys (who interesting go with their wives sometimes o). His happiest times are when he has to travel out of Port Harcourt to consult somewhere (he was in a consulting firm that means he travels). I have once stumbled on an email excusing him from a trip since my birthday was so close and it also fell on a holiday and all he could do was respond that he is happy to go. I was hurt.

To cut the story short (lol), my marriage is boring and I have tried all sorts of things without much success. Now, I’m just preparing myself to hear he wants a divorce because there is just no way we both can carry on like this. I have seen him so excited and bubbly with friends and colleagues one minute then totally quiet and silent the next once we are alone.

I feel lost. I feel lonely. I feel helpless. I wish I didn’t marry him and save him also from the misery of being married to a woman he clearly has no feelings for. I know he’s doing his bit as a man of honour and will provide and right now, we are more like co-parents and housemates than friends and lovers.

My advice to single and even those in serious relationships is this: marry your friend. Not just a friend-your pally, your paddy, your homie, your buddy, your person. There’s nothing as bad as a rut in marriage and a marriage lacking companionship and excitement. It is tiring. I see my male colleagues at work checking up on their wives during the day, organising trips and weekends away, grabbing moments to text each other and laughing into their phones. Our chat history is a joke. Either its a question about picking up the children or about some other family administrative task, very mechanical. I have friends who go on holiday as a family and also as a couple and plan their leave together, not necessarily expensive, to Dubai, to Calabar to Ghana just to reignite the spark. He prefers being alone and going alone all the time. Our honeymoon was a joke. He stayed in the hotel room half the time, no! not doing the deed o but working, sleeping and watching golf (there was a major tournament that period), the only dinner we went on was just not it.

I know I’m not a naturally bubbly person. Neither do I have the perseverance to keep initiating with no measurable result. I know therefore that Im not contributing much to exciting marriage vibes. So why did I marry a man who doesn’t get moved or inspired by anything but his solitude, solo trips, solo life. Someone like me would have done well to marry a more lively person, someone who would keep the marriage bed alive and active. Someone more loving and caring not a wood who cannot be penetrated or moved. Someone I gel with. Someone who is my friend. Someone who would bring me out of my shell not drive me deeper into it.

In marriages like mine, the woman suffers more as she is the one expected to stay home to take care of things. She has the babies and gets fat. She may feel guilty going out often and leaving the kids and her husband. She will turn down opportunities to travel for work often and will rethink going on extended conferences and trainings. Yet, she will be undervalued and bitter. So save yourself the heartache and marry a true friend. One who genuinely can’t bear to see you hurting. One who lives to make you happy. One who loves you and is proud to let you know. One who loves and will let even his friends and yours know. The type who will respect days you designate as date nights not the one who will forget and call you childish for caring so much about a stupid dinner. The type who would hold your hands and hug you and tell you all will be well. The type who when you are ill will not say you are pretending but will drop stuff to attend to you. The one who would proritise you as you do him. If you don’t have at least 75% of this in your spouse to be, then I second the motion: Don’t marry that man!!!

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Pregnancy Chronicles 1: How I got pregnant

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LOL! More like “Pregnancy Chronicles” not HOW it happened… *tongue out*

I got married in April and saw those twin lines on Sunday the 1st of June. I still remember exactly how I felt. Thank God, I’m not barren and will not have any problems conceiving. All of my teenage years were filled with trepidation over conception and birth. I was so frightened that I will have to be going from one Pastor to one Gynaecologist about getting pregnant as I had been surrounded with people who had struggled with this and the thought left me so numb with fear. I was also Team #GiveBirth9MonthsPostWedding and I confess that I wept when I saw my first post wedding period *covers face*. I won’t bore you with the details but I scared the hubs who must have been thinking, ‘what can of woman have I married o who’s bothered about not having conceived in 2 weeks of marriage. What will she do in 2 years?’

So yeah, what prompted me to do a test? The hubs noticed a cluster of pimples on my face and teased me about it. Well, I wasn’t finding anything pregnancy related funny so I proceeded to the closest MedPlus and got myself a test kit, read the instructions about 5 times then woke up bright and early the next morning to make sure the first day’s pee wouldn’t be diluted by water, pee-ed on the stick and said a prayer. TWO LINES!!! I repeated the test on the second morning because of false positives and voila!!! A confirmation!!!

IMG_2851

After being excited for a few minutes, paranoia set in: Will I be a good mom? Wait mom lohun lohun…will I miscarry? Will my child have defects and be sick as I had consumed some alcohol the week before? Will I have pregnancy ailments? Will I be fat and ugly with spots and swollen feet? Will my child be okay in there? I couldn’t believe how I became so obsessed with everything and so worried. I couldn’t accept the good news and be happy. I kept reminding myself that anything can go wrong so keep calm and take care of your child.

I ended up having a relatively easy pregnancy but it didn’t start easy. I remember my poor driver having to park on Third Mainland Bridge whilst I proceeded to empty the contents of my insides on the tarred road. I remembered how my colleagues nicknamed me Tsunami because mo man sun gan (I slept a lot), I remember how I would bleed for no reason and was convinced I had hurt my baby. I remember being diagnosed with fibroid and googling fibroids in pregnancy and being worried the growth will squash my baby. I remembered all the people I know who had died in childbirth and was worried praying hard that my baby will not call another woman mother. I remember my first naughty sip of coffee and how my baby kicked so hard after and was convinced that I had made him high on caffeine. So many fears.

All through, my hubs, S, kept me grounded. “Temi, where is your faith?”, he once asked. “You will pray and pray yet worry and worry. Is that not a sign that you truly don’t believe in God’s ability to take care of you?” Those words bore into my core and I decided to trust God and let Him take care of both myself and our child.

Little Peanut

Little Peanut

S wanted a a little cute girl. I was indifferent. I just wanted a healthy child but I sure was happy when I discovered: It’s a boy!!!

It's a boy!

It’s a boy!

To be continued…

Related to my Pregnancy Chronicles is this Question: Why do (Most) Nigerian women keep their pregnancy low key? In my defence, I still went for many weddings and parties and hung out a lot with my big belly. My Instagram pictures (@temiville) were never all bump though and only those with a gift for identifying even a week pregnancy could tell. Some people believe it is fear that people (aye) will hurt their baby. For me, I just didn’t see the need really. Amidst battling with severe morning (make that ALL FREAKING DAY) sickness, I just hardly had any post worthy photos. I did put these one up once though:

6 months gone

6 months gone

I saw this hilarious yet true post once and couldn’t help but chuckle at how much I can relate.

wpid-screenshot_2015-05-12-10-36-071-e1431596424680-272x300

Before I got pregnant, I remember asking a pregnant friend excitedly “when are you due?” I got daggers in her stare for an answer. Other questions that engender paranoia in preggies in Nigeria include: “is it a boy or a girl”? I have once gotten “It’s a healthy child” LOL! I hated my belly being rubbed though but not for spiritual reasons. I just hated the feeling but I once invited a few colleagues to feel for kicks.

For me, at work, as a newly married lady, I started getting the knowing glances way before I conceived. Every sneeze, cough or (heaven forbid) menstrual pain earned me the “congratulatory look”. LOL! I tried to keep it coded for the first 12 weeks just in case my earlier described fear materialised. I really didn’t wanna hear any “peles”.

One lesson I have learned is to stay grateful for everything and trust God who has begun a good thing to see it through to completion.

Ice Ice Baby!!!

Ice Ice Baby!!!

Gender

Pregnant woman showing off her belly with her unborn son

Pregnant woman showing off her belly with her unborn son

So what your views guys? Would you announce your pregnancy? Would you announce your baby’s sex or would you wait till you have the baby and write “Welcome Princess/Prince”? Do you get irked by those who are clearly pregnant yet hide it or worst still outrightly lie when you ask or send you a 🙂 smiley? I remember one of my very good friends whose bridesmaid I was who outrightly denied being pregnant when I asked yet 4 months after announced: Thank you Jesus for our beautiful son. Welcome to the world!

Looking forward to reading your views…

Temiville.xoxo

Been long you saw me :p

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Hey my lovelies,

It is with a huge sense of shame (lol) that I type this post. I have no excuses for my hiatus. Actually, I do. Good ones too and yes, I shall bore you with the details thereof.

The past three months have been very interesting for me. I went through some shitty personal stuff in February that really got me low- I mean I was literally taking 10 minute breaks to weep in the toilet! I actually got caught by a colleague doing same on my birthday. Thankfully, I was able to explain it away. I’m sure she did not believe me sha, but oh well! February was the month of transition for me-from corper to worker, from mid 20s to late 20s, from being rigid in my thinking to being a tad more open-minded. It was all too much to take in and deal with sometimes but I thank God who was faithful through it all.

Remember when I was a bit unsure of what to do next? Well, I joined this law firm somewhere in Lagos and had the most amazing experience with them. It was not just about the work (which was great) but about the entirety of my experience there. It was a whole new world where people are friendly, laugh, joke around yet work like their lives depend on it.  It was very different from the MNC where I served where though good, by 6pm, most people would be off. Sleeping in the office for many at this place is commonplace. There is no opening time and there is no closing time. Emails are flying well into the early morning. No one ever says no to a client-the aim is to always find a way to ensure they go away happy.

I looked forward to going to work everyday! I learned so much from working there and the Friday when I said my goodbye after 3 months with them, it was with a really heavy heart. They were no longer like co-workers, they were like a mini extension of my family. All I can say is being there was a healing process for me as well as a period of growth. I’ve moved to another law firm now and it’s been good. I really thank God for the opportunities he has extended my way, for the amazing friends I have made, for the relationships I have built and the thorns He has taken away from my life.

One thing I have learned and I want to share is this: when going through ish in life, don’t try to downplay it or act like it doesn’t bother you. Instead, acknowledge your feeble frame and your frailty, look to God and grow. As you go through, realise your errors and ensure you do not make them again. Then dust your self off and keep walking with your head held up.

Random gist: I went to the cinema after a long while a week ago or so and I slept through the movie, lol. My friend actually enjoyed it so I know it was a good movie but I was so tired. I can’t even remember the title but it was about a girl who had an accident, suffered amnesia and forgot her boyfriend. I’ll make sure I see it again. I saw American Pie: the Reunion on Monday. All I can say is please do not see it with a prude or your mother. Typical American Pie. Totally hilarious up until the very last scene, ‘Great movie’! lol (You’ll understand that if and when you see it.)

Law School starts on the 2nd day of June. I am very excited but in a little corner of my mind, I am a tad worried. In this new firm I’m in, I’m realising how much reading I have to do, there is so much to refresh my memory on. I left uni in 2009 and I have pretty much not touched core law since then so when I see Law school students on Chambers Attachment spewing forth sections of the Evidence Act, drafting Affidavits, Writs of summons etc, I get a bit edgy and say a silent prayer to God to help me and I know He will. I learned no foreign trained student has ever come out with a First class in the history of the Nigerian Law School. Hmm, nothing is impossible with God!

I wish you all a fab month of May and I promise not to be doing monthly posts anymore. I leave you with this Word from Revd. Funke Felix Adejumo when she ministered at Daystar: if your husband’s life does not improve upon marrying you, you are a witch! Hehehe.

Have a beautiful Wednesday.

Enjoy some of my pictures which give a mini glimpse into my life in the last couple of months. Finally, can someone please offer guidance and tips on what to take along to Law School, what things are a must, what will be confiscated, what documents, generally the essentials, what kind of clothes etc. Thanks in advance.

My cocktail when I fell ill last month.

Olumo rock with 9 girl friends in April

At work in April. Yes Im still a Coke Addict: Vintage top by Uchy. Link to her webstore: http://uchybyuchvintage.blogspot.com/. Free delivery anywhere in Lagos!!! Shoes by Inkechi (If you are tall like me and find it sometimes difficult to get your shoe size, give her a call. She’s got it all. Amazing, fab party, work shoes!!! 08100801303)

Caught some part of the bouquet at a wedding in April :p

D and V’s wedding at Civic Centre in April. Amazing! That’s where I caught part of the bouquet btw. The comedian was bare jokes.

Friend from ISI’s engagement in Ibadan in April

Off for an event in April

That’s all folks!

Temiville..xoxo

Are you sure you’re applying hard enough?

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2012 is here and aside of a minor glitch that threatened to steal my joy sometime towards the end of 2011, I am as happy and as grateful and it gets. No no no. I’m not saying everything is rosey and dandy. But through the thorns of life, I still smell the roses. I’m looking to God for a lot of things this year and I will go ahead and share with you the Number 1 on my mind: my career.

I have always been the type who prides herself on being at least a couple of steps ahead of her peers. I got that from my dad. Back in Corona, if I came 2nd, instead of being excited for me that I beat so many others, my dad’s focus would be on that one person I failed to beat.

I took this spirit with me all the way to University. Anyone who knows how Law works would know that getting 68% in a module is something to be happy about. But never I. Once I found out that some people on the course achieved 70 and above, I’d feel as though I did not try hard enough. Through the help of the Holy Spirit, I have been able to lead a pretty content life that simply channeled my nature into a quest for excellence and not outright ‘Get it or Die There’ behaviour.

Now, I am in that phase where I have been handheld by my parents for as long as they owe me and even longer and it’s about time I got that dream job and started towing that career path I worked my butt off at Uni for. I dreaded returning to Nigeria, not mainly because of security issues, lack of constant electricity or bad roads but because of employment matters. I HATE being idle and I HATE doing what I should not be doing. So now that NYSC is practically over for me, the question now arises, ‘What Next?’.

Everyone has a piece of advice to throw at me:

‘Go to Law School, Go back to Jand and use your work permit, Go for your PhD, Get an MBA, Focus on your writing, therein lies your breakthrough, Manage any job o, jobs are hard to come by in Nigeria.’ Decisions decisions.

These are pretty much tough decisions to make and I don’t want life to decide for me. I don’t want to go to Law School simply because I don’t have a dream job. I don’t want to start work simply because it’s not yet time for Law School. I don’t want to start an MBA simply because I gained admission into a prestigious school and I might not have the opportunity to defer it. I want to lead and live a PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE. I don’t want to do stuff just because. No! I want to do stuff because it is RIGHT and God says so. I want to live on purpose not by chance or because the opportunity springs forth.

Even in my search for a job, I want to be able to be offered something and turn it down because it does not fit into the overall picture of my life. I don’t want to just take any job in a remote part of Nigeria because the pay is good and it is better than staying home with mommy and daddy and being turned into Sikiratu Number 2 or mom’s standby driver (lol, my folks won’t do that, or would they?, lol!).

People say wait on God, pray, fast, read your Bible and trust in God. This sometimes can be a painful pill to swallow but believe me, it is the only way forward. It is the only thing that will keep you smiling and able to keep your head up high even as you believe in God to bring you to your Land of Promise.

I had a convo with my beloved brother yesterday and I really felt like strangling him lol and that is part of what has inspired this post. This is how it went: No sooner had I said something about being excited that NYSC would be over soon on my BBM and put this picture than my big bro pounced on me:

Big Brother N: How far with job?

Moi: I’m searching and applying.

Big Brother N: Do you have any concrete one that you’ll be starting after you finish

Well, I have some in the works but I wont say concrete concrete like that

Big Brother N: Temi, I dont think you’re applying enough or trying hard. You can’t sit at home o, you’ll be frustrated.

Moi:Ok

BBN: What of the people mom said you should contact

Moi: Nothing came out of it, I did

BBN:Hmm

Moi:Whats ‘hmm’?

BBN:I’m just saying sha. But they’ll retain you where you are now

Moi:Err no

BBN:Why not?

Moi:Its an MNC and they tend to work with quota, head count ish. And there’s no space now.

BBN:Are you sure?

*at this time, I was livid but trying to control myself*

Moi:Yes dude, I am sure

BBN:Ok o, try harder sha

Moi:Ok

***

A friend of mine was saying how people have been asking her why she’s not yet married? LOL! At least, I’m being spared that. Thank God for every blessing. She says next time she’s asked she’ll promptly respond that she’ll meet herself, toast herself, court herself, propose to herself and marry herself. Lol!

Anyways, I feel much better after letting this out.

I know God is in charge of my affairs and He will sort me out as He will you.

It is well!

On a random note: I want to see how long I can go with my hair, no weaves, no braids just my relaxed hair. This is Week 1. Erm, the first picture above, I’ve lost small weight abi? 😀

Temiville.xoxo