Planned Romance…


Hi people! Howdy! Thanks for your comments and email. I hope I was able to address concerns appropriately. My knowledge is limited so I ask that we all commit all our struggles to God as He knows exactly what we should do.


Today’s topic is something I never really gave any thought to as a single person. I had always assumed that when two people meet and fall in love and get married, they will keep souring on Cupid’s wings, lovingly gazing into each other’s eyes night and day. This is all true until you get married and realize, WHOA- not so at all. Now get me not wrong, you will remain loving each other (hopefully!!!) but that being “in love” bit requires some effort because all the forces are working against you! Let me paint a picture of a typical Lagos working couple:

Adanna, 27, works in an advertising firm in Ikoyi and her husband, Jide, works in an investment bank in VI. They live in an estate after VGC but because Adanna resumes at 9:30 and Jide, at 7:30, they each drive to work separately every day. They have a one year old daughter, Ezinne. Ezinne has not started any form of formal education so they leave Ezinne with her 40 year old live-in nanny, Mama Ope, during the day. The typical arrival time from work for Adanna is 9:30pm. The official closing time is 6pm but no one really leaves the office till about 7:30-8:30pm because her firm is very busy and she has a lot of work to do. Jide’s hours are slightly worse and he gets home at about 10pm on easy days.

They both arrive home tired, stressed yet feeling guilty that Mama Ope is the one raising Ezinne so they spend about an hour to two hours playing with her if only to remind her: we are your parents!!!
Adanna gets into the kitchen each night after returning from work to get stuff done and prepared for the next day. But because she has read Myles Munroe’s books on keeping the marriage bed sizzling, she drags her tired body to the bathroom to take a shower and throw on any form of lingerie she can find. By the time she’s done with her self-preparation, Jide is happily snoring away with Ezinne on his chest (also sleeping). She’s half happy that she gets to sleep and half sad that tonight makes it the 15th night of no sex. “Oh well, we shall try again tomorrow”, she thinks to herself for the third time this week as she gently carries Ezinne to her crib, gets into bed and switches of the light by her side.



I have found out one thing-anything that will survive AND thrive requires hardwork and determination. But before proceeding to work hard, you need to have a very clear picture of what you want and this is applicable to the whole spectrum of life and not just marriage. You need to know how you envision your life. You can even proceed to write it down so that it can easilty be referred to. You need to make a very CONSCIOUS and DELIBERATE effort . You must not go with the flow because the current is very likely to take you in the direction of all the forces. These forces include like Adanna and Jide- busy schedules, distance from work, conflicting work hours, children (in as much as we love them, they are romance killers!!!). All those forces are important in building a well-rounded life: you need to work or you might go hungry. You want and love your children and wouldn’t trade them for the world. So it is up to us as a couple to ensure that we keep the fire burning by fanning the flame, sprinkling some kerosene and for some people, lighting the burnt out fire.

Adanna knows better than to blame her husband for their lack of romance. She definitely won’t be pointing accusing fingers at her little Ezinne either. She has no one at all to blame, not even herself but she needs to make her mind up that her marriage must thrive and sizzle and this should be done consciously.

I have once spoken to a person who schedules sex and other romantic meetings! It sounded crazy to me as I was not yet married, now I see her point. She literally marks the dates on their calendar and they both try to adhere to it like any other appointment they have to keep. I thought then to myself: how unspontaneous and unromantic and mechanical and clinical but according to her  “half bread is better than none” and “planned sex is better than no sex”!!!

Another person told me of The List. She writes down what she wants to achieve and works towards it. If it means closing slightly earlier than normal once a week to be able to have dinner out with her husband or to make an elaborate dinner at home or to settle the kids in bed early, she does what she has to do. She has learned that these things do not just happen. She buys lingerie every two weeks and plans the romance. Romance, for her, is 10% natural and 90% planned. No time!

Boyfriend and Girlfriend stolen kisses and excited love doesn’t always come with you into marriage and usually, by the latter half of the first year of marriage, the butterflies would have settled. However, you have the power to rouse them when you put your mind to it. Romance must not die!!!!

So how do you guys do it, for the married ones and how do you plan to do if you are single? Some men have easy lifestyles or are so big on romance that no matter what and no matter how busy they are, they plan romantic events every week or every other week. I have heard that the typical man forgets all about romance once you get married! So what are your thoughts? Do you believe in planning romance or do you believe in going with the flow? If you are a planner, what plans do you make?

Let’s muse!!!




Hi guys,

I was going to add this to my previous post as a ‘before I leave’ however, upon reflection I have decided that this is deserving of its very own post.

I left the office yesterday at about 8:15pm and tuned in to the Table of Men on 96.9 Cool FM. The topics were ‘what are the flimsiest excuses you have heard for people to avoid going to work?” and “What are the excuses you have been given or have given to get out of being bugged by a suitor for sex or a relationship?”

At about 8:40pm, a male caller said that he once met this girl, bought her drinks and thereafter expected to be receive remuneration/repayment i.e. sex. The girl then tried to avoid that by saying she was on her period. But ‘I didn’t care o, I forced her. I just forced her’.

Right there on radio, a man admitted to rape and no one thought it fit to escalate it (Freeze expressed some shock). It is like saying someone admits to murder. Would we just laugh it off and keep on moving like nothing happened?

I have tweeted at @CoolFMnigeria to dig out the rapist’s number and hand it over to the authorities. We really should learn to strongly condemn such actions! Those co-hosts of Freeze (all men) laughed it off. This is serious and should be treated as such. CoolFM should not assist a rapist in going free. He should be named and shamed if not prosecuted and convicted!

I am very disappointed in our society and hope that CoolFM will do the right thing!

Have a good day and always #SayNoToRape!

Please help me retweet. Cool FM has ignored my messages and has carried tweeting about other things like Rape means nothing.

My handle is @temiville.


What’s all the fuss about submission in marriage?!


Hey people!

Good morning. Current situation: It is 6:07 am and I am typing away as I sit on my bed. O is re-ironing his shirt in the laundry room because it just never stays well-ironed. I have packed lunch and I am dangerously at risk of not leaving the house before 6:20! But I just have to let this one out…

I am an interesting person (if I may say so myself). As ‘modern’ as I may appear, I am a totally traditional person at heart. This means I expect(ed) to be wooed and to front for a while and then eventually to agree and for the man to be feeling so grateful to God, not believing his good fortune that he found such a good thang! This also means that I believe that my husband is the head of our home. Aside of being traditional, I have learned the paths God expects us to tow in life and I believe that it is for a woman to submit to her husband and for her husband to love her and for them both to submit to one another in love. The Bible says in Ephesians 5:22, Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.

A few people have asked me, “what exactly does it mean to submit to your husband?” “Temi, does that mean you let O walk all over you whilst you obediently coo at him waiting on him for the next set of instructions?” The answer is very radical and should encourage those that are single to ensure they marry the right man, the type they can genuinely submit to the way the Lord intends.
Let your husbad lead
Submission is defined as the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person. Another definition states that it is the ​act of ​allowing someone or something to have ​power over you. Submission means to accept a contrary view and go with something you do not necessarily agree with and not sulk in disappointment wishing the plans fail so you can say “I told you so”. Submission does not mean allowing your husband say his own and then use your woman power to conquer him into agreeing with you. It means going with his flow and praying and hoping to God that river is flowing in the right direction! This is earth shattering. It means if you are in the passenger seat and the man is driving and you see him heading in the wrong direction, you cannot wrestle the wheels from him! All you can do is remember that the heart of the king is the hands of the Lord and like a river of waters, He can turn withersoever He willeth. Because, girl, your man is your king. Have you seen how kings are treated? Have you ever seen anyone argue with a king openly. Have you seen a king slapped in public or ridiculed?

What this means is that you have to be very careful who you marry. You have to be careful whose decision will prevail in your life. You have to be careful who will train toyr children. You have to be careful whose leading you will follow when opinions differ and yes, they will! You cannot afford to be driven into the bush so you must go with (a) a good driver; and (b) someone who knows the Way. You need a man who understands that submission is not a license to be abusive to you or to be inconsiderate.


This is NOT what submission in marriage means!!!

It is more a responsibility than a privilege to be submitted to. It means God looks at you as a man to give account of how you have led your home. It’s like being a team leader. A team leader is to lead and be obeyed but when its time to give reports, it is the team leader who gets marked down for leading his team astray or praised for doing well. As young single ladies, you need to assess the man you are with: can I trust you? Are you being led by God or you are just going to be doing your own thing? Do you love God? Are you a good person? Will you teach our children good morals?

Submission is serious business people. It is especially humbling when you are clear in your mind that your views are superior yet you have to obey. I have read about Queens Vashti and Esther and learned how to treat a man. Whilst the Vashti context might be inapplicable in our times, the underlying principle remains incontrovertible. You have to submit to your husband. You have to learn how to approach your head/your king when you wish to convey your differing views. First of all, you need to begin by getting direction from God as you may actually not be right. Then, when you get confirmation from God, prayerfully approach him. Do not build your home on arguments and fights, it leads to destruction in your home. You lose with each argument you win.

I have done a survey of some marriages I think are happy and one thread is common- the woman has made up her mind to do God’s will without first waiting to check if her husband is loving her as God commanded. They put their men first. They hold them in high esteem. They celebrate them. They praise them. They leave absolutely no room for others to insult them. They shield their men. They honour their men and submit to them (at least in my eyes sha).

You can’t be always sharp-mouthed, talking down at him, bickering in the presence of others and winning arguments with your high intellect and think your home will be happy. You have to decide which is more important to you as a woman and work hard towards it. Do you want to be the Boss in your home or your want to be a Queen to your King?

Please don’t get me wrong, I am certain there are some men out there who long for a woman that will challenge their every statement and fight to the last but from my research such men are very few. Even [ “modern men” who enjoy intellectual banter still love to be and to feel like the heads of their respective homes.

I thank God for His grace over my life and my marriage. I thank God because it is relatively easy to submit in my marriage. Though not always easy, God has been granting me the grace to submit because I am naturally a strong minded person with a very clear picture of how my life and all its inhabitants should be. I know what I want my home to look like. I know how I want my children raised. I know which schools I want them to attend. I know EXACTLY what I want. So naturally, I feel the pinch when O thinks the way to go is East and I am convinced it is West. I thank God however because I am not submitting to errors and wrong direction and that I have not married a destiny destroyer who would lead me astray. I thank God for my mothers (my biological mother and my mom in law) from whom I have learned the art and the act of submission.

I grew up seeing my mom pray on her knees in relation to a particular project she has a conviction on instead of fighting it out with my dad when he disagrees with her. I remember many times my mom and I would join hands and agree that my dad would change his mind on a particular request I made that he had said “no” to. I have also seen many unhappy marriages where the woman is the captain of the ship, where is her way or the highway or no sex for 3 months. Her words are yea and amen. Her instructions prevail even over her husband’s. Those marriages are never ever happy, They may seem so now but anything that attempts to upturn the instructions of God cannot possibly thrive, or can it?

So what am I saying? To be happy in your marriage and enjoy God’s idea of a fulfilling home, you have to submit to your man. However, it is easier, better and advisable to submit to a ‘beta person’ therefore, see to it that you marry a beta person.

I pray God will keep strengthening us and giving us His grace to do His bidding in our homes. So what if you are convinced you did not marry a beta person? What do you do? Hmm, this is not very easy to answer but I will leave you with this scripture and give you feedback on my views soon…

1 Peter 3:1

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives. While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 3Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.

Have a lovely Wednesday!


When we fast and pray, mountains move!


Hello people,

Remember me? :)

How have you guys been. Trust you have been well. I have been excellent and my son, E, is doing very well. Thanks for all your kind words. Work has kept me away from me ooo. Direct all your complaints to my office lol. It is hard conveying the depths of my heart to you when I have clients to attend to. And juggling wifehood, motherhood has taken some getting used to. But today, I feel totally drawn to share a little something with you.

For the past year, I have struggled to fast. It started very gradually after I discovered I was pregnant. I was told and constantly reminded myself that pregnant people do not fast. The baby needs all the nutrients he can get and must thus not be deprived. So whilst I did not eat for two, I certainly ensured that that one person was well satisfied. And so, all through my 40 weeks/10 months of pregnancy, I did not ever really fast and even after, I was informed to eat well so that I may have enough milk with which to feed my baby. So for the past 8 months since having my son plus 10 months of pregnancy, I have not engaged in that spiritual exercise called fasting and I feel its absence in my life.

I used to enjoy the one day or 2 day a week fasting. Sometimes, only till 12 noon, some other times all the way till 6pm. A couple of times, I have gone the whole nine yards and done the biri biri aka dry fast, 3 days max. These experiences have been rewarding, refreshing, reinvigorating. I always come out feeling renewed. I have clarity in relation to a question or confusion or crossroads of life. I get my head cleared. I am happier and fulfilled and I know what exactly it is that I am doing.

During my fasts, I would pray frequently. Listen to my favourite speakers on the Word of God all day at work, listen to music, be in tune with all things that keep me focused on my goal: to know Him more.

This post is thus to encourage someone like myself who has forgotten the importance, efficacy and sheer power of fasting and prayer. You might have had a genuine reason like I did not to fast but it is time to revive the fire and seek the face of God. Not every time fasting to have prayers answered or demons/strongmen/difficult problems solved like Jesus referred to in Matthew 17: 21 where he stated that, certain kinds of issues of life do not go out except by prayer and fasting. Sometimes, fasting to thank God and remind Him that you recognize the importance to give up the cravings of the flesh in order to build up your inner man. Fasting has so many many benefits and it is important to have your reason for fasting and praying written down clearly. That keeps you focused and you can know when the things have changed in your lives.

Fasting keeps you humble and malleable to the reconstruction of God and molding of your life in accordance with his desires. Fasting and prayer break yokes- yokes of addiction, yokes of ill-health, yokes of life generally. Fasting breaks the chains that hold us back..

So even as I observe my “lunch break” at work, I feel so compelled to speak to even one person today to get out your bible, and take out some days to fast and pray and watch God do wonders in your life.

Have a great week!


Pregnancy Chronicles 3: And unto us, a son was born



I had been told that a typical pregnancy is between 38 to 42 weeks. By 36 weeks, I was fed up! Totally tired and just couldn’t wait to meet the little Prince. I was tired of the constant abdominal pains and difficulty getting in and out of bed. It was such a process. I couldn’t remember when last I saw my toes! I was also tired of Baby kicking me at will and just wanted to hold him. By 38 weeks, I had started taking long walks with S and jumping up and down, taking the stairs two steps at a time and squatting, anything to get the ball rolling.

At my doctor’s appointment (at 39 weeks), I was told I was zero cm dilated and 60% effaced. My doctor got worried and said that for how low I was and how big my baby is, he expected me to have started dilating by now and that he suspected that I would be unable to give birth unaided. According to his assessment of me and from his 35 years of practice of obstetrics and gynaecology, he believes my pelvis is too small for my son’s head. I stared blankly and asked him to speak to me in plain English. He says, “Ma’am, I would like you to prepare yourself for a caesarian delivery”. As at that point, that was the very worst verdict as I had been praying for the past 9 months specifically against that. I know it is not a big deal but it was such a major issue to me and I had spoken to God that I did not wish to be operated upon and that I deliver the way my mother did me.

On one of our trips to the mall, I felt a sharp pain which was very different from the ones I had been experiencing all through my third trimester. It stopped me in my tracks but I dismissed it and later mentioned it to S. We then went on a long walk trying to kick Baby out! By this time, I was 40 weeks and fed up of my big belly! Totally and completely! At my doctor’s appointment, it was discovered that I still wasn’t dilated- 0% nothing, nada, zilch. At that appointment, I was booked for a caesarian section on Friday the 13th of February, I looked at the paper and said “I reject it in Jesus’ name! My child will not be born on Friday the 13th!” LOL!!!


During my time away, I attended a wonderful RCCG church and decided to go for a Praise Night on Tuesday evening. At the event, I kept dancing, komole-ing, rababa-ing, all sorts. I danced and danced and danced totally excited and I could feel Baby dancing along as well. At about 10pm when we got home, I felt all sorts of feelings-from pains, to liquid dripping slowly to all sorts! Whoa! The time is no longer ‘nigh’. The time is now!

I told S and could sense a little bit of excitement in his eyes. My mom was beside herself with excitement. I must confess, I was actually scared. I had watched birth videos online and shivered at the thought of being stretched that wide open by Baby’s head. But the thought that it just had to be done kept me going.

We all prayed and proceeded to the hospital. By this time, the pain had gotten so real! It was coming consistently every 5 minutes and coming so strong. It felt like my worst menstrual pain multiplied by 1million. It was intense but I refused to cry. I winced, squirmed, grimaced, groaned but never shed a tear.

At the hospital, I was taken to triage and registered (international passport and all). By this time, I felt like ‘wow, how do people voluntarily elect to have more thank one child. I was in pain. I thought it could get no worse until the nurse comes in to check ‘how far dilated’ I was. I looked at her blankly expecting her to at least consider my agony and go easy on me. No, she went for it like someone fishing for a lost ball and involuntarily, I slapped her glasses off. Gosh, that stuff was brutal. And to top it up, she announced, ‘you are 1cm dilated’. I was like ‘what?’ After all this pain? 1cm alone??? This was roughly 11:20pm. I was wheeled to L&D i.e. Labour and Delivery.

At L&D, I kept getting asked “are you sure you don’t want an epidural?” I kept responding in the negative. In my mind I thought “I am a strong woman, I don’t need assistance to do what God ordained to be a natural act.” So I endured. At 2 am, I was checked again and lo and behold, I was still 1cm. The L&D nurse was way gentler than the triage lady at least. At 4 am, still 1cm. At 7 am when my doctor came, still 1cm. By 9 am still 1cm. At this point, I was no longer just groaning, my voice had received volume and my arms were moving back and forth whenever the contractions commenced. S looked on helplessly and kept asking me: Temi, are you sure we shouldn’t just believe the doctor and do the CS?” The Doctor had had only just a few moments ago reiterated that my pelvis was too small for Baby and I had to have a CS.

I was tired and looked harassed. I was too weak to think and bam, another contraction hit me like a dirty slap on the face. I still refused to do it and decided to labour for a little longer. At 10am, I asked to be checked again. I was so hopeful as the contractions had become even stronger and more intense. The doctor came to check me again and this time added, “We can’t keep checking so as not to introduce bacteria into your cervix. We also would like you to know that if this continues, we would have to take you in for an emergency CS as your baby could get tired any time from now. I held my breath as he checked and waited for the answer, praying for at least a change however small just to prove the doctor wrong and to encourage me. I mean, how can I have a small pelvis with these truthful hips of mine. “Ma’am, you’re still 1cm, no change”. I looked into S’s eyes and decided there and then that maybe God’s will is for me to have this procedure.

The anaesthesiologist came in and administered the drugs to numb me from the waist down and with a little tear dropping, I was wheeled into surgery to have Baby. This was about 11:40. I could feel the pressure but no pain at all. And at 12:09, he was lifted out of me. At first, he was quiet and I kept asking S, why is he quiet, whats going on? Then out of nowhere, I heard his cry and couldn’t help my sobs. They brought him to me and he was the yellowest creature ever. He was so tiny and I could nt understand why all the doctors called him big. The sweetest thing EVER was born. I immediately forgot all about the CS drama and was so grateful to God. My joy knew no bounds. I was in awe as I still am. Life took on a new meaning as I became a mother at 12:09pm on Wednesday the 11th :).

Baby Boy

Thank You Lord for our son. He has brought so much joy and I am so grateful for the confidence reposed in us in entrusting us with such a precious gift. I pray for all to experience this joy. To all waiting on God, may He give you your babies. For those who already have their kid(s), may God protect them and may He provide all you require in giving them the best. Our children shall outlive us. They shall bury us at a ripe old age with their own grandkids in tow. They shall not be named amongst miscreants but will be named amongst the great people of their generation. They will do greater things than we did. They shall not die young. They shall not be sick. All will be well with them and us.

This experience also renewed my admiration for my folks. They have really done well.

It was really tough sharing this and I battled internally that I was being too open. However, I have some lessons to share through my story:

a. Prayer against CS: God doesn’t need to be boxed. I had asked that I didn’t want a CS and prayed the Hebrew woman prayer but I had one. Does that make Him a liar? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Does it make me unrighteous? NO. Does it mean it was His will? Most likely as I prayed and committed all to Him.

b. Epidural: Perhaps, this is not such a bad idea after all lol. I’m glad I experienced labour o but next baby, I probably will have the epidural administered from my house if possible. LOL. No need for super woman tins. There’s no award for the woman who experienced the greatest pain.

c. Pelvis: Erm, I’m still not convinced I can have the hips I have and yet have a small pelvis. lol. But I guess the pelvis is a bone not the fleshy hips.

d. Babies: They are so adorable. Now I don’t frown at mothers when their babies cry in planes, church or other public places. I can empathise.

e. Help: Let people help you with your baby and sleep. I refused to let him out of my sight and could not sleep when they took him to the nursery. lol. Don’t be like me o. Rest well.

f. Breast milk: That thing has no control. By the third day, you will feel like watermelons were inserted into your boobs. Trust me, not pretty!

g. Your hubby: He is so easy to ignore at this point. I mean, you have done your part boo, let me focus on this precious little thing! But no, include you husband all the way. Give him little tasks and trust that he will accomplish them. Don’t worry, momma, you husband won’t choke your baby with his big burly hands and no, he won’t drop the baby either.

h. Maternity Leave: Use it well. But plan well for when work resumes so you won’t go into shock mode when you have just two weeks to the end of maternity leave and you have no plan in place re: taking care of baby.

i. Helpers: Be it your mom, your 2nd mom aka mom in law, your sisters, your nanny, be nice and kind and remember that usually they are acting out of love. So don’t keep referencing Baby Centre when mom decides to make baby sleep on his stomach.

Finally, enjoy your pregnancy, take pictures, enjoy motherhood, stay prayerful and grateful!

Have a lovely week,

E’s mom.xoxo

Reader Post: The Quest for Marriage by Ginika


I had danced in front of audiences a few times before, but this time was different: I couldn’t hide behind anyone; it was just myself and two friends on stage. I was terrified. We walked out of the small changing room in a Hall at school. All three of us were just about to go on stage to perform a dance routine that we put together ourselves for an annual event. The entire time, before we went on stage, I was thinking of our performance and hoping that we would do well. The time finally came… and then it passed. It ended with the audience cheering and applauding. That was a really nice boost of confidence. I was so relieved, more because I didn’t have to worry about it anymore, than because they loved it.

As we walked off stage towards the changing room, two young men pulled us aside. They
introduced themselves as Olu and Ugo. We chatted with them for a bit and then we parted ways. After the conversation, all I could think about was how Olu sounded so arrogant. I was very irked by this man and the words that came out of his mouth. He made a really bad first impression. We got to the changing room, changed into our regular clothes and went back out to the hall to enjoy the rest of the event. The night turned out pretty nice – good food, great people, nice atmosphere.

A not-so-long while later, one of my friends that I danced with sent me a message, saying Olu asked her if I hated him. I just laughed and told her to tell Olu to reach out to me directly if he had something to say to me. He came to my church quite often, so I knew I’d see him soon. A few days later, he followed me on Instagram, but didn’t say a word. Weeks after that, he stopped by at my church, he approached me, we exchanged pleasantries, then he asked to confirm my number. I told him what it was. He had already gotten this from a mutual friend, who visited from another city, a few weeks back.

Did I explain how he got my number? I guess not. A friend of mine who went to the same
University as myself came to town to visit. He used my phone to make a call to avoid long distance charges. He happened to make this call to Olu. Olu saw my number (caller ID) and saved it. My friend went back home a few days later… then out of the blue, I get a “Hey” text message at about 10pm. I was already asleep at the time. So I woke up to the text from a number that wasn’t on my contact list. I dialled the number on my way to work. I hate not knowing things, so I had to figure out who this was. The phone rang, Olu picked up, and then I said “hey, who’s this?, I got a text message from you last night”. Olu responded with

“Oh sorry, I sent the message to the wrong number”.

We ended the call.

That explains how he got my number. Thus, when he approached me a few weeks later, he
asked to confirm my number because he already had it. As you probably guessed already, another few weeks passed by before Olu decided to reach out again. This time he asked to have lunch. I didn’t cook that week and I figured that a casual lunch wouldn’t hurt; so I obliged.

We got to the restaurant, placed our orders and sat down to have lunch. The food wasn’t bad at all and Olu seemed pretty nice. We chatted about a few things, but he kept going on and on about marriage. He talked about how most of his friends are
either married or about to get married and he felt so much pressure being around them. I couldn’t really relate. I do have a few friends that are married, but most of my mates aren’t.

As it turned out, the lunch date wasn’t too bad. So after that I thought to myself “He is not as bad as I perceived him to be initially, I guess we can be friends”.
He reached out again…and again… and again… and we started dating.

He’d cook for me, we’d go places together. He did a good job catering to me so it was easy to see that he really cared about me. I definitely loved knowing that. One day he said to me that he thought I hated him. I told him I never did and do not. That I
didn’t know him enough to hate him. I just didn’t like his attitude and that he always came off as an arrogant person to me and I am not a fan of such people. Then I mentioned that I have seen another side to him that I never saw before and that my perception had changed.

As the days passed, we’d talk, but it seemed like we talked less and less each time. I mean we could have a hour-long conversation and not learn anything new about each other or learn to understand each other better. The more we spoke, the more we talked about the things in our lives that had to do with our careers. Actually, the more we talked, the more I got lectures about how I was doing in my career. The whole time I thought to myself “I can’t believe I have someone like this who cares so much about me that he would put in so much effort and try so hard to help me move forward and up”. But, these conversations were always about what I needed to change, what I could work on, what I was doing wrong, never what I was doing right. I overlooked this.

When we did not have conversations about my career, it was usually quite formal and short compared to how it was initially. Less outings, fewer conversations, more ignored phone calls and messages. We discussed our frustrations and how things had gone downhill so quickly, but nothing changed. It only seemed to get worse. I overlooked this.

One day, we set off to have lunch with a friend of his. We went over to a Vietnamese restaurant, I believe. We sat down, chatted for a bit and decided to place our orders. Before we did that, he told me what I should order. He didn’t even bother to ask what I wanted. Did he care? I guess not. Sometime after, I mentioned that I felt he was controlling; He disagreed with me. I overlooked this as well.

Eventually, things ended. Before this happened, I actually dreamt that it would. This was God giving me a sign and telling me to let go ASAP. But guess what? I disregarded His sign. Bottom line is I overlooked a lot of things that I was not ok with, because of the things I held unto. Did I hold unto love? Did I love this man? Did I see this as my happily-ever-after? Maybe… Maybe not…

The truth is I didn’t love him. There was never a connection at such a level. There was mutual likeness. He was very much into me and he showed it… at the start… and I fell for what I got from him… at the start. I remember praying every night for peace and harmony and for things to get better and to get to a point where I didn’t have to keep praying the same prayer over and over and over again. I prayed to God to end it if it wasn’t right, regardless of how it ended and for him to enable me to accept it. But I still held on tight to what I knew wasn’t love. Even after God had revealed to me that he wasn’t right and that it will end. I still held on. What exactly did I hold unto?

Almost 10 years ago, I remember having a conversation with my friends back in secondary school. We talked about our futures: our preferred careers, how we’d like to live, and getting married. I remember saying I’d love to get married young. I even remember the age I mentioned; I said I’d love to get married at 23. So I held unto my word. I held unto my word from years back when I knew nothing about relationships, nothing about what the right foundation for a great marriage is, nothing about life after the ceremony called a wedding. I held unto my word and assessed everyone that approached me; age was always a factor. He had to be a certain number of years older in order for me to take him seriously.

I convinced myself that the older the man, the more prepared he would be for marriage; the more willing he would be to get married in 3 years or even less; the more stable he would be, financially and career wise. So, I held unto my word despite the fact that things were not right, despite the fact that I was unhappy, despite the fact that I wanted true love and I didn’t have it with him, despite the fact that I wanted a friend and a lover, despite the fact that I wanted peace, despite the fact that my goofiness was unacceptable to him, despite the fact that I had to kill a part of me to please him, despite the fact that I was talked down to, despite the fact that my opinion was usually dismissed and disregarded, despite the fact that I was in pain, despite the fact that I was belittled, despite the fact that…

One thing I have learnt from this experience is to always trust your first instinct. I had a negative perception about him initially. I thought he was arrogant. I may have been wrong about that, but I wasn’t wrong about knowing that he wasn’t right for me.
A man will do anything to get a woman he really desires. He doesn’t even mind leaving himself behind, taking on a whole new persona just to get you into his back pocket. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Would you rather get married young and be unhappy or get married later than you expected and live happily?

Before getting into any relationship, put God first. Pray to him, and if you don’t get an answer immediately, pray harder, seek him harder. If it’s meant to be, it will be, so why rush it? It is a lifetime commitment, so you will be together for life, happily. So, please wait. Do not rush into anything because of the unrealistic goals you may have implicitly set for yourself or because everyone else around you is married or getting married. Love is much more important than an early marriage.

As for me, I still hold unto my word of getting married early. I’ll still like to of course. But, the difference is that now, this doesn’t control me. I know what matters now. I know what I need to focus on now. And this is my happiness.


This is a beautiful post written by an MCLA reader, Ginika. I hope you enjoyed and learned from it. Have a blessed week ahead.


Reader Response: I should not have married that man!


Hi guys,

Today’s post was received from a reader and she granted me full permission to use it. Please read and learn and if you can, share your advice.

Sometime this week, I shall follow up on a little piece of advice for her ( I will include readers’ comments too). I am no expert (AT ALL) but I read a lot and listen to old folks a lot so I have gathered and will still gather more information that I believe will assist in helping our reader.

I have amended the email a bit, mainly for typos and abbreviations, as it appeared sent in a hurry.

Have a lovely week ahead.

Temiville. xoxo

***88% unedited to maintain the integrity of the Reader’s Post***

Hi Temiville,

Welcome back to blogging *side eye*. Unlike another commenter mentioned, I wasn’t just about to remove you, I had completely stopped checking for your blogs. I thought you had abandoned blogging. Anyways, I have enjoyed your recent posts and congratulate you, again, on your son’s birth. May he outlive you and prosper in health and God’s grace.

To my story (I grant you permission to use EXCEPT my photo and name):

I got married to the wrong guy and I knew it, just like I am sure Onome knew it. But I went ahead so it was not a case of not being warned. My own case was not even cheating. It was just plain incompatibility. Like not respecting my cake and icing theory and not going for a man that we will blend well together. Even I knew that my husband and I were and are still not for each other but I went ahead having been told by many that fun, excitement in marriage and running around on the beach is best left for fairy tales… I therefore thought nothing of our lack of excitement: I am not an expressive person and my husband is even worse than I am. At least, I tell him I love him. He has NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER EVER EVER told me those three words.

I remember during my bridal shower, I was asked who said ‘I love you’ first and I just laughed and said “I did”. Little would the girls know that there was no confusion in that regard. This is just to emphasise the point that mine is a passionless marriage. He doesn’t hug me. We hardly kiss. We never hold hands. Sex is without ANY form of foreplay and all these got even worse after we had our second daughter. If I thought things were bad, now they are just plain laughable.

I have been dissatisfied for a while and blamed it on my weight gain. I was size 8 when we married in 2012. I’m now a size 12 but I believe I look alright (see my recent photos attached). I got so convinced I had lost my appeal and to ‘test’ it, I went to the City Mall near the Government House at Azikiwe Road in PH where we live. I went without my ring and was approached by a guy, after a few minutes. I confirmed, at least, that I am not bad like that even if no longer the ‘lepa’ I was back when we met and married. Even when we met, he would never say I look good or look bad. He was just bland. Like you once told people in your blog and I confirm, marriage changes no one. He stayed the very same. Slightly worse sef as then, I knew I was okay but now, with a jiggly lower belly and fatter thighs, a bit of encouragement would really help my self esteem.

I listened to this Myles Munroe preaching (see link below) where he advised women to quit complaining about an unromantic spouse and start organising dates and initiating stuff. So I got gingered and started. Maybe it was my method of execution, but I pretty much had a 40% success initially and now, we are back to where we started.

I remember one ‘date’ we went on. We hardly spoke, so much that the couple beside us kept throwing us glances as if to ask if we were dumb and all. It was only when the waiter took our orders that they confirmed that the cat hadn’t gotten our tongues. We have ZERO chemistry. I at least find him attractive though he lost the six pack he had when we met but with him, I must appear so ugly.

He always looks forward to going out with the boys (who interesting go with their wives sometimes o). His happiest times are when he has to travel out of Port Harcourt to consult somewhere (he was in a consulting firm that means he travels). I have once stumbled on an email excusing him from a trip since my birthday was so close and it also fell on a holiday and all he could do was respond that he is happy to go. I was hurt.

To cut the story short (lol), my marriage is boring and I have tried all sorts of things without much success. Now, I’m just preparing myself to hear he wants a divorce because there is just no way we both can carry on like this. I have seen him so excited and bubbly with friends and colleagues one minute then totally quiet and silent the next once we are alone.

I feel lost. I feel lonely. I feel helpless. I wish I didn’t marry him and save him also from the misery of being married to a woman he clearly has no feelings for. I know he’s doing his bit as a man of honour and will provide and right now, we are more like co-parents and housemates than friends and lovers.

My advice to single and even those in serious relationships is this: marry your friend. Not just a friend-your pally, your paddy, your homie, your buddy, your person. There’s nothing as bad as a rut in marriage and a marriage lacking companionship and excitement. It is tiring. I see my male colleagues at work checking up on their wives during the day, organising trips and weekends away, grabbing moments to text each other and laughing into their phones. Our chat history is a joke. Either its a question about picking up the children or about some other family administrative task, very mechanical. I have friends who go on holiday as a family and also as a couple and plan their leave together, not necessarily expensive, to Dubai, to Calabar to Ghana just to reignite the spark. He prefers being alone and going alone all the time. Our honeymoon was a joke. He stayed in the hotel room half the time, no! not doing the deed o but working, sleeping and watching golf (there was a major tournament that period), the only dinner we went on was just not it.

I know I’m not a naturally bubbly person. Neither do I have the perseverance to keep initiating with no measurable result. I know therefore that Im not contributing much to exciting marriage vibes. So why did I marry a man who doesn’t get moved or inspired by anything but his solitude, solo trips, solo life. Someone like me would have done well to marry a more lively person, someone who would keep the marriage bed alive and active. Someone more loving and caring not a wood who cannot be penetrated or moved. Someone I gel with. Someone who is my friend. Someone who would bring me out of my shell not drive me deeper into it.

In marriages like mine, the woman suffers more as she is the one expected to stay home to take care of things. She has the babies and gets fat. She may feel guilty going out often and leaving the kids and her husband. She will turn down opportunities to travel for work often and will rethink going on extended conferences and trainings. Yet, she will be undervalued and bitter. So save yourself the heartache and marry a true friend. One who genuinely can’t bear to see you hurting. One who lives to make you happy. One who loves you and is proud to let you know. One who loves and will let even his friends and yours know. The type who will respect days you designate as date nights not the one who will forget and call you childish for caring so much about a stupid dinner. The type who would hold your hands and hug you and tell you all will be well. The type who when you are ill will not say you are pretending but will drop stuff to attend to you. The one who would proritise you as you do him. If you don’t have at least 75% of this in your spouse to be, then I second the motion: Don’t marry that man!!!

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