If you call it ‘settling’, then yes, I have settled

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I’ll be getting married on the 3rd Saturday in May to a man I am not in love with.

***

An ideal romantic, I have always believed in love. I looked forward to being swept right off my feet by Prince Charming. I’m the type who would weep over a love tale well told and cheer as the couple in the movies kiss and live happily ever after.

Now, however, after a really bad relationship and 28 years in the bag, I have realised that that feeling of being in love is overrated and is the final and most negligible consideration in looking for a mate. Any guy I loved never loved me back to the degree I loved. They were bad guys, sharp guys that special kind of fine guys. It never lasted. Most relationships I have been in, I have been the 70% giver, while I’d make do with whatever measly 30% the other party offered now and then. I’d lap it up like a thirsty kitten, grateful for the occasional love thrown my way.

Bode was the worst of them all. Everyone warned me against him, even his sister who loved me as her own. I stayed with him for 26 months of my life and even when we split, it was he who did the breaking up. He had cheated and cheated, it got to the point that I was now grateful to be called or visited. I stopped checking his phones because I knew what exactly I would find there and I could not bear the pain anymore. I would complain and scream and he will get mad at me for snooping on him and eventually, I would be the one apologising for not ‘trusting him enough’.

I would purpose in my heart to break up with him but find myself staying on the minute I heard his voice and he talked that talk to me. He turned me into a shadow of myself. I became a crazed out girl keeping tabs on his every move. I’d go out weekends with him just to ensure he does not hook up with any other girl. I’d randomly show up at his because I heard a lady’s voice in the background when I called. Eventually, he did the breaking up himself telling me he doesn’t deserve me. I never thought I’d beg a guy to stay with me but I did. I begged Bode, told him I wasn’t complaining. I even told him that I understood that because we are age mates he might feel the need to spread his tentacles and that I would patiently wait for him to outgrow his ways. He passed on my offer.

***

I’ll be getting married to Tayo. Tayo is born again. He doesn’t have the ready sweet words to speak. He doesn’t dress so nicely. He doesn’t get me or keep me excited. But in him, I’ve found peace and joy. Tayo would leave whatever he is doing if I need his help. He would ALWAYS drive down to the airport to pick me up when I come visiting him in Abuja. It would have been more convenient for him to have me take a cab. The day he offered to do that, I was surprised. Bode would NEVER do that. At his kindest, he’ll ask his driver to come get me. He’ll probably simply ask me to get a cab and he’ll pay. Tayo would never sleep until he has spoken with me, prayed with me and wished me a good night. With Bode, I’d be the one calling and calling.

Tayo has showed me that it is possible to have a good guy, a guy who cherishes and respects you and most importantly, loves God and puts Him first. His level of consideration towards me still baffles me. I never knew such was possible and this is why I shied away from a relationship with him initially.  It all seemed too good to be true. But it has been 11 months of courtship and he has remained the same steadfast, loving, caring man I first met.

As I walk down the aisle, I am sure my belly will not have butterflies in them but I’d walk down confident of the fact that I am placing my life in the hands of a good man. A man who takes instructions from God and passes them on to the home with love. A man who values family and togetherness and would put me before anything and anyone else. A man with whom I am sure I play second fiddle to no one but God. A man who would be a good role model to our children. A man who would stand by me no matter what happens in the home.

My mom has assured me that the sweeping love will come once the sex begins. Apparently, once you start sleeping with a man, the love grows. I look forward to it. But right now, I’m in a happy, content place.

I might not be with the handsome charmer I longed for as a young teenager. He might not have the best physique in the world. He might not have funny things to say to me all the time. He might not be able to make my heart do somersaults. He might not have the latest clothes and shoes nor know the latest slangs young peoples say. He might not understand my love for E! news and Yoruba movies. But of this I am sure:

I am with the man God selected, handpicked for me. I’m with a man with whom I feel safe, secure, looked after, cared for, pampered. I’m always relaxed. I don’t have to check his phones or wonder who he is speaking with. My heart doesn’t have to skip beats when he is not with me. I don’t have to call him 10 times before I get one call back from him. I’m not pressured to do anything ungodly instead I am challenged to draw closer to God and know Him more that I might be a deserving wife to the man God designed for me and that I may bring him as much joy and bliss as he does me. If you call this settling then yes, this girl HAS settled.

Regards,

Folu…

***

I’m not saying this writer is right and has selected wisely but Tayo clearly seems like a better choice than Bode. Many times, we ladies prioritise the wrong things. We place the cart before the horse. We look first for butterfly feelings and put that feeling of security, warmth and peace aside. We put God second and put feelings first. We dismiss a good guy for a fun guy. We dismiss the voice of wisdom, that small still voice telling us not to go ahead, or even to slow down. We damn the consequences and end up getting burnt. I pray God leads us and that we follow His leading. Amen.

Love,

Temiville.xoxo

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Are you sure you’re applying hard enough?

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2012 is here and aside of a minor glitch that threatened to steal my joy sometime towards the end of 2011, I am as happy and as grateful and it gets. No no no. I’m not saying everything is rosey and dandy. But through the thorns of life, I still smell the roses. I’m looking to God for a lot of things this year and I will go ahead and share with you the Number 1 on my mind: my career.

I have always been the type who prides herself on being at least a couple of steps ahead of her peers. I got that from my dad. Back in Corona, if I came 2nd, instead of being excited for me that I beat so many others, my dad’s focus would be on that one person I failed to beat.

I took this spirit with me all the way to University. Anyone who knows how Law works would know that getting 68% in a module is something to be happy about. But never I. Once I found out that some people on the course achieved 70 and above, I’d feel as though I did not try hard enough. Through the help of the Holy Spirit, I have been able to lead a pretty content life that simply channeled my nature into a quest for excellence and not outright ‘Get it or Die There’ behaviour.

Now, I am in that phase where I have been handheld by my parents for as long as they owe me and even longer and it’s about time I got that dream job and started towing that career path I worked my butt off at Uni for. I dreaded returning to Nigeria, not mainly because of security issues, lack of constant electricity or bad roads but because of employment matters. I HATE being idle and I HATE doing what I should not be doing. So now that NYSC is practically over for me, the question now arises, ‘What Next?’.

Everyone has a piece of advice to throw at me:

‘Go to Law School, Go back to Jand and use your work permit, Go for your PhD, Get an MBA, Focus on your writing, therein lies your breakthrough, Manage any job o, jobs are hard to come by in Nigeria.’ Decisions decisions.

These are pretty much tough decisions to make and I don’t want life to decide for me. I don’t want to go to Law School simply because I don’t have a dream job. I don’t want to start work simply because it’s not yet time for Law School. I don’t want to start an MBA simply because I gained admission into a prestigious school and I might not have the opportunity to defer it. I want to lead and live a PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE. I don’t want to do stuff just because. No! I want to do stuff because it is RIGHT and God says so. I want to live on purpose not by chance or because the opportunity springs forth.

Even in my search for a job, I want to be able to be offered something and turn it down because it does not fit into the overall picture of my life. I don’t want to just take any job in a remote part of Nigeria because the pay is good and it is better than staying home with mommy and daddy and being turned into Sikiratu Number 2 or mom’s standby driver (lol, my folks won’t do that, or would they?, lol!).

People say wait on God, pray, fast, read your Bible and trust in God. This sometimes can be a painful pill to swallow but believe me, it is the only way forward. It is the only thing that will keep you smiling and able to keep your head up high even as you believe in God to bring you to your Land of Promise.

I had a convo with my beloved brother yesterday and I really felt like strangling him lol and that is part of what has inspired this post. This is how it went: No sooner had I said something about being excited that NYSC would be over soon on my BBM and put this picture than my big bro pounced on me:

Big Brother N: How far with job?

Moi: I’m searching and applying.

Big Brother N: Do you have any concrete one that you’ll be starting after you finish

Well, I have some in the works but I wont say concrete concrete like that

Big Brother N: Temi, I dont think you’re applying enough or trying hard. You can’t sit at home o, you’ll be frustrated.

Moi:Ok

BBN: What of the people mom said you should contact

Moi: Nothing came out of it, I did

BBN:Hmm

Moi:Whats ‘hmm’?

BBN:I’m just saying sha. But they’ll retain you where you are now

Moi:Err no

BBN:Why not?

Moi:Its an MNC and they tend to work with quota, head count ish. And there’s no space now.

BBN:Are you sure?

*at this time, I was livid but trying to control myself*

Moi:Yes dude, I am sure

BBN:Ok o, try harder sha

Moi:Ok

***

A friend of mine was saying how people have been asking her why she’s not yet married? LOL! At least, I’m being spared that. Thank God for every blessing. She says next time she’s asked she’ll promptly respond that she’ll meet herself, toast herself, court herself, propose to herself and marry herself. Lol!

Anyways, I feel much better after letting this out.

I know God is in charge of my affairs and He will sort me out as He will you.

It is well!

On a random note: I want to see how long I can go with my hair, no weaves, no braids just my relaxed hair. This is Week 1. Erm, the first picture above, I’ve lost small weight abi? 😀

Temiville.xoxo

Alone and fine…

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Rule 1 in Robert Greene’s ‘Art of Seduction’

CHOOSE THE RIGHT VICTIM

Everything depends on the target of your seduction. Study your prey thoroughly, and choose only those who will prove susceptible to your charms. The right victims are those for whom you can fill a void, who see in you something exotic. They are often isolated or unhappy, or can easily be made so- for the completely contented person is almost impossible to seduce… The perfect victim allows for the perfect chase.

***

Loneliness is not the absence of affection but the absence of direction. Being satisfied with your state of being or your direction-where you want to be is very crucial and you have to do all in your powers to ensure you make yourself happy. When you have a clear picture of where you are headed, you tend not to dwell too much on temporary distractions. Now, I’d be a liar to say that we all don’t feel a need to be with people and relax, chill, have a good time etc. But it should all be done with control and discipline.

Read the first paragraph again. Somewhere there it says, ‘the completely contented person is almost impossible to seduce’. According to TD Jakes,  loneliness is the absence of focus and I think I agree with him. There is a vacuum in all of us. You need to understand who you really are and instead of filling the void with what seems right and feels good, you ought to fill it with what IS right.

No one can fill up that vacuum for you. No human has that ability and it is UNFAIR to expect anyone to do so. No boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, job etc can help you, only you in conjuction with God can work it out. Sometimes, when that void speaks out, all we need to do is read a book or even sleep. Sometimes, simply watching TV would do the trick or praying. It’s not always required that you pick your phone and send messages to 10 contacts, ‘wassup, I’m coming to your house now’. In solitude, we learn a lot about ourselves and about our future. Embrace the occasional solitude and learn who you are, your Dos and Don’ts. Understand yourself better and develop security in self.

When you are all by yourself, do you itch to do something? Do you immediately get on your BB and put your status as ‘bored to death’? Are you cool in your own company or do you constantly need people to validate you? The need for constant company, validation, friendship can be really self destructive.

When you, in this state, get into a relationship, friendship, you punish the other party or both of you develop a self destructive mutual reliance on each other at best or you give them room to manipulate you badly at worst (see first paragraph). When such a party decides to leave, if ever, you feel terrible almost suicidal as though your world will not go on. But it will and understanding yourself would have told you just that: you will go right on with or without that visa, with or without the application being successful, with or without that girl, with or without that business deal.

The story is told of a girl who became so tied up with her friend, they did every single thing together. I mean, once one woke up, the other had an unwritten responsibility to call up the other to wake her up. They would go everywhere together and the one was not allowed to go out to a birthday party for instance if the other could not come along. It was almost suspect. But in truth they had simply developed a worrying reliance on each other which turns into a sticky situation when one wants to or even NEEDS to break free.

Apparently, all through their uni years, neither could have a proper relationship and their best attempts was with two close friends. When one ended it, the other almost felt guilty for still being happy with her boyfriend and eventually her own relationship died a slow but sure death.  I hear today, they can hardly stand each other as one went off to study for her Masters despite the fact that they were to go together but was denied a student’s visa. She never forgave her friend for her betrayal. Please, what is that?

This is also relatable in romantic relationships where the girl cannot have her circle of friends or where the guy is immediately suspected of cheating once he goes out without his girlfriend. This is unhealthy and borderline obsessive and stems from insecurity and inability to be alone and actually ENJOY being all by yourself. I mean alone in the house, alone in the library with your books and no frequent BB updates on your every move. Be alone and be fine!

I read part of Robert Greene’s book and I can assure you, it felt like the devil’s manual. I have learned to be careful and be happy with who I am. In due time, God will perfect all that concerns you. All in good time…

I know this post might come across as preachy but remember my first audience is I.

Have a blissful day!

Temiville.xoxo

Why men love B’s

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Hey Temi,

Wassup? Thanks for your blog and for your discipline in updating. I know this is hard because I have a blog which I have not updated in 5 months! So, yeah, well done. Some of us look forward to your posts.

Now, please help me post this message (after removing all the typos I am sure to make as I am rushing).

I recently came across a book, “Why Men Love Bitches” and to be honest, it all makes sense now why I have been unable to maintain a relationship. The guy starts by being all over me and then I reciprocate, beat him to the niceness and then eventually, he doesn’t show any form of care anymore and it all ends with him saying, ‘You are a very lovely girl, in fact, I have never met a more caring and considerate girl in my life but I’m not sure we are meant for each other’. I have heard variants of this particular statement in all my relationships. Why on earth will any guy leave me if I’m as nice as they claim I am? Secondly, I am no fool, these are good guys also and so it is not a case of ‘babe you deserve better’, they’ve all been correct people. So why won’t you wanna be with a good girl? Why oh why?

Thing is I don’t front. That has always been my motto. If you like it, say and act so and keep it moving. So when a guy approaches me and starts calling and I start liking him back, I find myself initiating engagements, planning my day around our plans, keeping myself free just in case he wants us to hang. I’d drop off whatever plans I have so we can be together. It is not really about me sacrificing for him. It is more about the fact that I so much enjoy my time with him that I’d easily excuse any other thing to spend some time with him. Eventually, the meetings reduce in number (his decision) till they completely fizzle out and then I receive the ‘you’re too good for me’ line.

I read the aforementioned book and here are the 100 principles. I can comfortably say that I fall into the trap of at least 89%.

I really don’t know what to do. I’ve decided to do the breaking up with the person I’m with right now because to be honest, I think he has passively broken up with me and is waiting for me to get the memo and do the active breaking up myself because I am ‘fed up’. I’ll start my life afresh but do you really think nice girls finish last? Should I be more of the ‘bitch’ in my next relationship, giving less, demanding more? Please let me know your take on this issue because I’m beginning to think it’s a curse as it has happened in ALL my relationships.

Thanks and see the principles below and my reactions in italics.

Regards,

TiredofbeingMissNice.

100 Relationship Principles:

1. Anything a person chases in life runs away.  I chase what I like!

2. The women who have the men climbing the walls for them aren’t always exceptional. Often, they are the ones who don’t appear to care too much. If I care, I show it. I don’t know how to hide my feelings. When I’m in love, I’m helplessly in it!

4. Sometimes a man deliberately won’t call, just to see how you’ll respond. If he doesn’t call for half a day, I’m dialing his number straight. If he doesn’t pick, I’m bb-ing. If he does not respond within an hour, I follow up with two PINGS and an ‘are you okay?’ line.

7.  Act like a prize and you’ll turn him into a believer. I’m a prize but he has won it already and that’s why we are dating. Not so?

8. The biggest variable between a bitch and a woman who is too nice is fear. the bitch shows that she’s not afraid to be without him.True, I am afraid to lose him and lose out on the companionship/friendship.

9. If the choice is between her dignity and having a relationship, the bitch will prioritize her dignity above all else. Hmm, many an instance I have sacrificed my dignity for the sake of our relationship. I’ve let things go that I should have hammered down on for fear of looking like a nag.

10. When a woman doesn’t give in easily and doesn’t appear docile or submissive, it becomes more stimulating to obtain her. But the Bible says submit.

11.  Being right on the verge of getting something generates a desire that has to be satisfied.

12. A man knows which woman will give in to last-minute requests. I will

13. Whether you have terms and conditions indicates whether you have options. Almost immediately, you present yourself as a doormat or a dreamgirl.

14. If you smother him, he’ll go into defense mode and look for an escape route to protect his freedom. But we all need love and I am simply showing him love!

15. Whenever a woman requires too many things from a man, he’ll resent it. Let him give what he wants to give freely; then observe who he is. I ask only for one thing: attention.

16. A bitch gives a man plenty of space so he doesn’t fear being trapped in a cage. Then he sets out to trap her in his. No I don’t give him much space because we hang out too often.

17. If you tell him you are not interested in jumping into a relationship with both feet, he will set out to try to change your mind.

18. Always give the appearance that he has plenty of space. It gets him to drop his guard.

19. More than anything else, he watches to see if you’ll be too emotionally dependent on him.

20. He must feel that you choose to be with him, not that you need to be with him. Only then will he perceive you as an equal partner.

21. If a man has to wait before he sleeps with a woman, he’ll not only perceive her as more beautiful, he’ll also take him time to appreciate who she is.

22. Sex and the “spark” are not one and the same.

23. Before sex, a man isn’t thinking clearly and a woman is thinking clearly. After sex, it reverses. The man is thinking clearly and the woman isn’t.

24. Every man wants to have sex first; whether he wants a girlfriend is something he thinks about later. By not giving him what he wants up front, you become his girlfriend without him realizing it.

25. A man intuitively senses whether sexuality comes from a place of security or from a place of neediness. He knows when a woman is having sex to appease him.

26. Bad habits are easier to form than good ones, because good habits require conscious effort. Waiting encourages this effort.

27. If you pull the sexual plug at the last minute, he’ll label you a tease.

28. If he makes you feel insecure, let your insecurity be your guide.

29. A quality guy fantasizes about a woman who genuinely loves sex.

30. Any time a woman competes with another woman, she demeans herself.

31. When there is that undeniable “spark,” there is only one key to the lock.

32. Let him think he’s in control. He’ll automatically start doing things you want done because he’ll always want to look like “a king” in your eyes.

33. When you cater to his ego in a soft way, he doesn’t try to get power in an aggressive way.

34. When you appear softer and more feminine, you appeal to his instinct to protect. When you appear more aggressive, you appeal to his instinct to compete.

35. He’ll let a woman who becomes his doormat pay for dinner on the first couple of dates, but he wouldn’t think of it with his dreamgirl.

36. The token power position is for public display, but the true power position is for private viewing only. And this is the only one that matters.

37. If you give him a feeling of power, he’ll want to protect you and he’ll want to give you the world.

38. When a woman acts as though she’s capable of everything, she gets stuck doin everything.

39. Men don’t respond to words. They respond to no contact.

40. Talking about the “relationship” too much takes away the element of the “unknown” and thus the mystery.

41. Men respect women who communicate in a succinct way, because it’s the language men use to talk to one another.

42. When you are always HAPPY; And he is always free to GO; he feels LUCKY.

43. If you allow your rhythm to be interrupted, you’ll create a void. Then, to replace what you give up, you’ll start to expect and need more from your partner.

44. Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves.

45. A woman looks more secure in a man’s eyes when he can’t pull her away from her life, because she is content with her life.

46. The second a woman works overtime to make herself fit his criteria, she has lowered the standard of that relationship.

47. You jump through hoops any time you repeatedly make it very obvious you’re giving your “all.”

48. You have to keep from being sucked down into quicksand. Unless you maintain control over yourself, the relationship is doomed.

49. Jumping through hoops often has a negative outcome: He sees it as an opportunity to have his cake and eat it, too. But when you stay just outside his reach, he’ll stay on his best behavior.

50. The nice girl gives away too much of herself when pleasing him regularly becomes more important than pleasing herself.

51. The relationship may not be right for you if you find yourself jumping through hoops. When something is right, it will feel easier and much more effortless.

52. When you nag, he tunes you out. But when you speak with your actions, he pays attention.

53. When a man takes a woman for granted, he still looks for reassurance that she is still “right there.”

54. When the routine becomes predictable, he’s more likely to give you the same type of love he had for his mother–and the odds that he will take you for granted increase.

55. Negative attention is still attention. It lets a man know that he has you–right where he wants you.

56. When you treat him casually as though he’s a friend, he’ll come your way. Because he wants things to be romantic, but he also wants to be the pursuer.

57. A little distance combined with the appearance of self-control makes him nervous that he may be losing you.

58. A man takes a woman for granted when he’s interested, but will no longer go out of his way.

59. When you nag, you become the problem, and he deals with it by tuning you out. But when you don’t nag, he deals with the problem.

60. If you take his chores away from him and praise someone else for doing it, he’ll want his chores back.

61. When you nag, he sees weakness.

62. He perceives an emotional woman as more of a pushover.

63. In the same way that familiarity breeds contempt, a slightly aloof demeanor can often renew his respect.

64. He’ll forget what he has in you, unless you remind him.

65. Many women talk a lot out of nervousness–which is something that men will often perceive as insecurity.

66. Talking about feelings to a man will feel like work. When he’s with a woman, he wants it to feel like fun.

67. Forcing him to talk about feelings all the time will not only make you seem needy, it will eventually make him lose respect. And when he loses respect, he’ll pay even less attention to your feelings.

68. In the beginning, the only thing you need to pay attention to is whether he keeps coming around, because he’ll only be able to suspend or hide his emotions for so long.

69. Men treat women the way they treat other men. They “play it cool: because they don’t want to appear weak or desperate.

70. The element of surprise both inside and outside of the bedroom is important to men, and it adds to the excitement.

71. Don’t always do the same thing over and over in the bedroom. Vary it so that it doesn’t become a predictable routine.

72. Most men tend to disrespect a woman who appears to be too malleable.

73. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself or speak your mind. It will not only earn his respect, in some cases it will even turn him on.

74. Men often automatically assume that a bitchier woman will be more assertive in bed, and that a nice girl will be more timid.

75. When a man falls in love, suddenly he’ll go out of his way and think nothing of it. He’ll do things for this woman he wouldn’t have done for anyone else.

76. He’ll never respect you as being able to hold your own unless you can stand on your own two feet financially.

77. You have to show that you won’t accept mistreatment. Then you will keep his respect.

78. Your pink slip is maintained when you can stand on your own–with him or without him. He should never feel that you are completely as his mercy.

79. When a man views a woman as a “little girl” or a sister he has to take care of, the passion diminishes. He doesn’t want to make love to his sister.

80. The ability to choose how you want to live, and the ability to choose how you want to be treated are the two things that give you more power than any material object ever will.

81. In a relationship of any kind, if one person feels the other person isn’t bringing anything to the table, he or she will begin to disrespect that person.

82. Financial neediness is no different than emotional neediness; in both instances, he can still get the feeling that he has a 100 percent hold on you.

83. Regardless of how pretty a woman is, looks alone will not sustain his respect. Appearance may pull him in, but it is your independence that will keep him turned on.

84. When a man is very consumed with not being taken advantage of, this is a sign that he’s “on the take.”

85. People will show you they have self-respect simply by virtue of the fact that they want to carry their own weight.

86. The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be.

87. If you make it too obvious that you’re excited to get something, some people will be tempted to dangle a carrot in front of your face.

88. When you alter the routine, your not being there is what will make him come around. Men don’t respond to words. What they respond to is no contact.

89. Don’t give a reward for bad behavior.

90. He simply won’t respect a woman who automatically goes into overdrive to please him.

91. If he doesn’t give you a time, you don’t have a date.

92. Often the best way to adjust or fix the problem is by not letting him know it’s being fixed. When you alter your availability or change a predictable routine, it will mentally pull him back in.

93. Once you start laughing, you start healing.

94. You can get away with saying much more with humor than you can with a straight face.

95. A man feels he’s won, or conqured a woman, when she eats out of the palm of his hand. At which point, he begins to get bored.

96. The tension that arises with a slightly bitchy woman gives a subtle feeling of danger to a man. He feels slightly unsure because she is never in the palm of his hand.

97. A “yes” woman who gives too much sends the impression that she belives in the man more than she believes in herself. Men view this as weakness notkindness.

98. Be an independent thinker at all times, and ignore anyone who attempts to define you in a limiting way.

99. Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them.

100. The most attractive quality of all is dignity.

***

What are your thoughts on the writer’s situation and also on the principles? Does it pay to be Miss Nice? Let’s muse!

Temiville.xoxo

What’s going on?

3 Comments

A number of people have asked me why I have been so quiet both on my blog, vocally and on twitter about the whole subsidy removal brouhaha. The truth is this: I was not very confident of my knowledge on the matter. I cannot boldly beat my chest that I fully understand what on earth is going on. I’m sure I know enough to give my two cents but those who have become familiar with MCLA and with me generally would know I’m too generous to give just two cents :D. I want to yarn well. At this juncture however, I think my two cents will do just fine.

A broadcast supposedly written/spoken by Fela Durotoye made rounds yesterday morning. Allow me digress. I HATE broadcasts. I loathe them with my being. I don’t know why. I’m trying to understand my strong aversion for them but I’d say it stems from the hatred of being lumped up in a group. I love being treated as an individual and unfortunately, I have lost a few ‘bb friends’ to this. There was a guy who was on my case and 8 out of 10 BBMs to me would be some ‘funny’ story or the other. I, as politely as I could manage, asked to be removed from the list of lucky recipients of his hourly jokes. He got mad at me and saying his ‘true friends’ loved his sense of humour. Let’s just say he’s not on my BB anymore. Now where was I? Fela Durotoye aha!

Ok, here is what he had to say on the issue:

Since I got back into Nigeria yesterday, I have heard some preposterous arguments that the removal of the fuel subsidy will be justified by wise investments that will benefit all.

My response has been, How will a wasteful government suddenly realize the genius of prudence and making the right investment decisions simply bcs there is more money available from oil subsidy removal?

Will there be less graft & bribes involved in process of issuing the road contracts or power contracts?

Have we sought to honestly find every way we can plug wastage in our leaking economy before we ask a feeble populace to carry the burden of corruption and gross ineptitude of a gluttonous few?

Have the Presidency, the State & Local Governments and the Legislature discovered how to travel without a convoy of 20 cars to the airport?

Can the occupiers of these lofty positions act in honour as Barack Obama did in 2010 when he got every member of his cabinet to take a pay cut, starting with himself?

Within his first few days as British Prime Minister, David Cameron led the austerity cuts (upon his assumption) by cutting down his convoy to 2 cars and one outrider. The Members of Parliament in Britain are now only allowed 3rd class train tickets on official travel (as opposed to their traditional first class train ticket allowances). The Mayor of London now rides a bicycle to work.
Leadership by example!!!

How come our ‘leaders’ in government earn so much and still spend so much furnishing the same houses and offices they furnished with our money last year?

Do you furnish your office every year? Why should the President, Governor or Senate President?

Wasteful leadership cannot make prudent investments!!!!! Q.E.D

The change we need is not just policy. Its in the quality of mind and persons at policy making positions.

Lemme try and explain as simply as possible what this whole fuel subsidy removal issue is all about for those who, like me before don’t understand fully and are probably too shy to ask when a general discussion was going on. I’ll let you in on a secret…bring your ear close…85% of those who argue about it don’t understand the simple basics of it. They are simply regurgitating what they’ve heard others say. Unfortunately, those they argue with don’t know that much either and might be too timid to counter them. So they appear so bright but in truth, don’t know that much.

What exactly is Fuel Subsidy?

Basically, Nigeria’s refineries are not in the best of shapes and are supposedly inadequate to refine the quantity of crude oil we have. So we export our crude to Venezuela and other countries with tip top refineries and have them sell our goods back to us-this time in their refined forms-kerosene, diesel, petrol etc. Due to the costs of shipping out, storage, refinery fees, shipping in, customs and duties, transportation within the country etc, the refined produce end up costing so much more than they really should. So the independent marketers take their bills/receipts to the Government/NNPC and they in turn pay them some amount back depending on how much it cost them to bring down the oil. Now, the government says it will not be paying them this money anymore and therefore, the oil will be sold at its REAL price excluding subsidy.

From an analysis I read the other day, if Nigeria had working refineries, the cost of petrol should not be more than N35 per litre. But because of the whole back and forth that we go through to get it refined and brought back home, the government claims that they have had to subsidise the price to make it affordable all these years. It is claimed that the real price should be about N150 per litre and not the N65 we used to buy it pre-2012.

Now they want to end the subsidy and deregulate: which means they want to open it up to natural growth just like they did with the Telecommunications industry (from total reliance on NITEL to a multiplicity of service providers). This, Aunty Ngozi argues, will ensure that there will be competition and subsequent growth and also so that the extra money realised from subsidy removal may be put to good use.

As I watched the Townhall in the last week of December ’11, I was getting her drift. But unfortunately, I’m not buying it. A scripture comes to mind: if you have been faithful with little, much more will be entrusted in your care. Nigerian government has not been faithful with what it has and therefore there is absolutely no guarantee this will work.

I was watching the News a few days back and this okada man says people are no longer patronising him much and will rather walk a bit longer rather than pay the new fares. Yes,  I know I prayed hard for okadas to be eradicated but certainly not this way. What will happen to people? How will they cope because everything will increase with the petrol prices. Even things we all know are in no way related.

I really hope things will begin to take shape and that our leaders will remember they are elected to render a service and not just chill. I hear Jonathan spends 1 Billion naira on food in Aso Rock every year. Even if Oriental Hotel were supplying daily meals to him, it should not cost that much. I also hear he is planning on purchasing a $500 Million bullet proof jet. I hear too that tending his garden costs him N 300 Million annually. Someone one twitter wondered if was the Garden of Eden. Lol!

In summary, Nigeria needs prayers and action. How exactly did Jerry Rawlings combat corrupt Ghanaian leaders again? I shudder when I think of it but the painful truth is that that might be our only solution…

Happy New Year!

3 Comments

Hey guys! Happy New Year!

May God’s goodness and mercy surround us all in everything we lay our hands upon this New Year. I’m no resolution maker but I’m so excited because I made a vow to myself and to God, which so far I have kept by His grace. I know it’s a bit too early to throw celebratory parties for vow keeping but I really am glad that it has gone well so far. I have also decided to break my age long addiction to Coca Cola’s product ‘Coke’. It got so terrible at some point that I could do 5 bottles in a day without flinching. I had to have my Coke fix every single day. This is day 6 now and I’ve not tasted caffeine from Coke!!!

2011 is a special year. I grew in leaps and bounds. I experienced things I thought Nollywood script writers dreamt up. They just could not be real, I used to argue. But now, I know better. 2012 is here and although I have no resolutions per se, I am determined not just to pray to God to be a better person this year but to actually be a better person. Sometimes we hide under the cover of ‘God gimme strength’. The truth is this: no temptation will come our way that we are incapable of overcoming so as long as we face it, we are able to surmount it. Have a very splendid year ahead guys! God bless you all!

Temiville.xoxo