Hey Temi,
Wassup? Thanks for your blog and for your discipline in updating. I know this is hard because I have a blog which I have not updated in 5 months! So, yeah, well done. Some of us look forward to your posts.
Now, please help me post this message (after removing all the typos I am sure to make as I am rushing).
I recently came across a book, “Why Men Love Bitches” and to be honest, it all makes sense now why I have been unable to maintain a relationship. The guy starts by being all over me and then I reciprocate, beat him to the niceness and then eventually, he doesn’t show any form of care anymore and it all ends with him saying, ‘You are a very lovely girl, in fact, I have never met a more caring and considerate girl in my life but I’m not sure we are meant for each other’. I have heard variants of this particular statement in all my relationships. Why on earth will any guy leave me if I’m as nice as they claim I am? Secondly, I am no fool, these are good guys also and so it is not a case of ‘babe you deserve better’, they’ve all been correct people. So why won’t you wanna be with a good girl? Why oh why?
Thing is I don’t front. That has always been my motto. If you like it, say and act so and keep it moving. So when a guy approaches me and starts calling and I start liking him back, I find myself initiating engagements, planning my day around our plans, keeping myself free just in case he wants us to hang. I’d drop off whatever plans I have so we can be together. It is not really about me sacrificing for him. It is more about the fact that I so much enjoy my time with him that I’d easily excuse any other thing to spend some time with him. Eventually, the meetings reduce in number (his decision) till they completely fizzle out and then I receive the ‘you’re too good for me’ line.
I read the aforementioned book and here are the 100 principles. I can comfortably say that I fall into the trap of at least 89%.
I really don’t know what to do. I’ve decided to do the breaking up with the person I’m with right now because to be honest, I think he has passively broken up with me and is waiting for me to get the memo and do the active breaking up myself because I am ‘fed up’. I’ll start my life afresh but do you really think nice girls finish last? Should I be more of the ‘bitch’ in my next relationship, giving less, demanding more? Please let me know your take on this issue because I’m beginning to think it’s a curse as it has happened in ALL my relationships.
Thanks and see the principles below and my reactions in italics.
Regards,
TiredofbeingMissNice.
100 Relationship Principles:
1. Anything a person chases in life runs away. I chase what I like!
2. The women who have the men climbing the walls for them aren’t always exceptional. Often, they are the ones who don’t appear to care too much. If I care, I show it. I don’t know how to hide my feelings. When I’m in love, I’m helplessly in it!
4. Sometimes a man deliberately won’t call, just to see how you’ll respond. If he doesn’t call for half a day, I’m dialing his number straight. If he doesn’t pick, I’m bb-ing. If he does not respond within an hour, I follow up with two PINGS and an ‘are you okay?’ line.
7. Act like a prize and you’ll turn him into a believer. I’m a prize but he has won it already and that’s why we are dating. Not so?
8. The biggest variable between a bitch and a woman who is too nice is fear. the bitch shows that she’s not afraid to be without him.True, I am afraid to lose him and lose out on the companionship/friendship.
9. If the choice is between her dignity and having a relationship, the bitch will prioritize her dignity above all else. Hmm, many an instance I have sacrificed my dignity for the sake of our relationship. I’ve let things go that I should have hammered down on for fear of looking like a nag.
10. When a woman doesn’t give in easily and doesn’t appear docile or submissive, it becomes more stimulating to obtain her. But the Bible says submit.
11. Being right on the verge of getting something generates a desire that has to be satisfied.
12. A man knows which woman will give in to last-minute requests. I will
13. Whether you have terms and conditions indicates whether you have options. Almost immediately, you present yourself as a doormat or a dreamgirl.
14. If you smother him, he’ll go into defense mode and look for an escape route to protect his freedom. But we all need love and I am simply showing him love!
15. Whenever a woman requires too many things from a man, he’ll resent it. Let him give what he wants to give freely; then observe who he is. I ask only for one thing: attention.
16. A bitch gives a man plenty of space so he doesn’t fear being trapped in a cage. Then he sets out to trap her in his. No I don’t give him much space because we hang out too often.
17. If you tell him you are not interested in jumping into a relationship with both feet, he will set out to try to change your mind.
18. Always give the appearance that he has plenty of space. It gets him to drop his guard.
19. More than anything else, he watches to see if you’ll be too emotionally dependent on him.
20. He must feel that you choose to be with him, not that you need to be with him. Only then will he perceive you as an equal partner.
21. If a man has to wait before he sleeps with a woman, he’ll not only perceive her as more beautiful, he’ll also take him time to appreciate who she is.
22. Sex and the “spark” are not one and the same.
23. Before sex, a man isn’t thinking clearly and a woman is thinking clearly. After sex, it reverses. The man is thinking clearly and the woman isn’t.
24. Every man wants to have sex first; whether he wants a girlfriend is something he thinks about later. By not giving him what he wants up front, you become his girlfriend without him realizing it.
25. A man intuitively senses whether sexuality comes from a place of security or from a place of neediness. He knows when a woman is having sex to appease him.
26. Bad habits are easier to form than good ones, because good habits require conscious effort. Waiting encourages this effort.
27. If you pull the sexual plug at the last minute, he’ll label you a tease.
28. If he makes you feel insecure, let your insecurity be your guide.
29. A quality guy fantasizes about a woman who genuinely loves sex.
30. Any time a woman competes with another woman, she demeans herself.
31. When there is that undeniable “spark,” there is only one key to the lock.
32. Let him think he’s in control. He’ll automatically start doing things you want done because he’ll always want to look like “a king” in your eyes.
33. When you cater to his ego in a soft way, he doesn’t try to get power in an aggressive way.
34. When you appear softer and more feminine, you appeal to his instinct to protect. When you appear more aggressive, you appeal to his instinct to compete.
35. He’ll let a woman who becomes his doormat pay for dinner on the first couple of dates, but he wouldn’t think of it with his dreamgirl.
36. The token power position is for public display, but the true power position is for private viewing only. And this is the only one that matters.
37. If you give him a feeling of power, he’ll want to protect you and he’ll want to give you the world.
38. When a woman acts as though she’s capable of everything, she gets stuck doin everything.
39. Men don’t respond to words. They respond to no contact.
40. Talking about the “relationship” too much takes away the element of the “unknown” and thus the mystery.
41. Men respect women who communicate in a succinct way, because it’s the language men use to talk to one another.
42. When you are always HAPPY; And he is always free to GO; he feels LUCKY.
43. If you allow your rhythm to be interrupted, you’ll create a void. Then, to replace what you give up, you’ll start to expect and need more from your partner.
44. Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves.
45. A woman looks more secure in a man’s eyes when he can’t pull her away from her life, because she is content with her life.
46. The second a woman works overtime to make herself fit his criteria, she has lowered the standard of that relationship.
47. You jump through hoops any time you repeatedly make it very obvious you’re giving your “all.”
48. You have to keep from being sucked down into quicksand. Unless you maintain control over yourself, the relationship is doomed.
49. Jumping through hoops often has a negative outcome: He sees it as an opportunity to have his cake and eat it, too. But when you stay just outside his reach, he’ll stay on his best behavior.
50. The nice girl gives away too much of herself when pleasing him regularly becomes more important than pleasing herself.
51. The relationship may not be right for you if you find yourself jumping through hoops. When something is right, it will feel easier and much more effortless.
52. When you nag, he tunes you out. But when you speak with your actions, he pays attention.
53. When a man takes a woman for granted, he still looks for reassurance that she is still “right there.”
54. When the routine becomes predictable, he’s more likely to give you the same type of love he had for his mother–and the odds that he will take you for granted increase.
55. Negative attention is still attention. It lets a man know that he has you–right where he wants you.
56. When you treat him casually as though he’s a friend, he’ll come your way. Because he wants things to be romantic, but he also wants to be the pursuer.
57. A little distance combined with the appearance of self-control makes him nervous that he may be losing you.
58. A man takes a woman for granted when he’s interested, but will no longer go out of his way.
59. When you nag, you become the problem, and he deals with it by tuning you out. But when you don’t nag, he deals with the problem.
60. If you take his chores away from him and praise someone else for doing it, he’ll want his chores back.
61. When you nag, he sees weakness.
62. He perceives an emotional woman as more of a pushover.
63. In the same way that familiarity breeds contempt, a slightly aloof demeanor can often renew his respect.
64. He’ll forget what he has in you, unless you remind him.
65. Many women talk a lot out of nervousness–which is something that men will often perceive as insecurity.
66. Talking about feelings to a man will feel like work. When he’s with a woman, he wants it to feel like fun.
67. Forcing him to talk about feelings all the time will not only make you seem needy, it will eventually make him lose respect. And when he loses respect, he’ll pay even less attention to your feelings.
68. In the beginning, the only thing you need to pay attention to is whether he keeps coming around, because he’ll only be able to suspend or hide his emotions for so long.
69. Men treat women the way they treat other men. They “play it cool: because they don’t want to appear weak or desperate.
70. The element of surprise both inside and outside of the bedroom is important to men, and it adds to the excitement.
71. Don’t always do the same thing over and over in the bedroom. Vary it so that it doesn’t become a predictable routine.
72. Most men tend to disrespect a woman who appears to be too malleable.
73. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself or speak your mind. It will not only earn his respect, in some cases it will even turn him on.
74. Men often automatically assume that a bitchier woman will be more assertive in bed, and that a nice girl will be more timid.
75. When a man falls in love, suddenly he’ll go out of his way and think nothing of it. He’ll do things for this woman he wouldn’t have done for anyone else.
76. He’ll never respect you as being able to hold your own unless you can stand on your own two feet financially.
77. You have to show that you won’t accept mistreatment. Then you will keep his respect.
78. Your pink slip is maintained when you can stand on your own–with him or without him. He should never feel that you are completely as his mercy.
79. When a man views a woman as a “little girl” or a sister he has to take care of, the passion diminishes. He doesn’t want to make love to his sister.
80. The ability to choose how you want to live, and the ability to choose how you want to be treated are the two things that give you more power than any material object ever will.
81. In a relationship of any kind, if one person feels the other person isn’t bringing anything to the table, he or she will begin to disrespect that person.
82. Financial neediness is no different than emotional neediness; in both instances, he can still get the feeling that he has a 100 percent hold on you.
83. Regardless of how pretty a woman is, looks alone will not sustain his respect. Appearance may pull him in, but it is your independence that will keep him turned on.
84. When a man is very consumed with not being taken advantage of, this is a sign that he’s “on the take.”
85. People will show you they have self-respect simply by virtue of the fact that they want to carry their own weight.
86. The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be.
87. If you make it too obvious that you’re excited to get something, some people will be tempted to dangle a carrot in front of your face.
88. When you alter the routine, your not being there is what will make him come around. Men don’t respond to words. What they respond to is no contact.
89. Don’t give a reward for bad behavior.
90. He simply won’t respect a woman who automatically goes into overdrive to please him.
91. If he doesn’t give you a time, you don’t have a date.
92. Often the best way to adjust or fix the problem is by not letting him know it’s being fixed. When you alter your availability or change a predictable routine, it will mentally pull him back in.
93. Once you start laughing, you start healing.
94. You can get away with saying much more with humor than you can with a straight face.
95. A man feels he’s won, or conqured a woman, when she eats out of the palm of his hand. At which point, he begins to get bored.
96. The tension that arises with a slightly bitchy woman gives a subtle feeling of danger to a man. He feels slightly unsure because she is never in the palm of his hand.
97. A “yes” woman who gives too much sends the impression that she belives in the man more than she believes in herself. Men view this as weakness notkindness.
98. Be an independent thinker at all times, and ignore anyone who attempts to define you in a limiting way.
99. Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them.
100. The most attractive quality of all is dignity.
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What are your thoughts on the writer’s situation and also on the principles? Does it pay to be Miss Nice? Let’s muse!
Temiville.xoxo
Musings of a Caramel Latte Addict 