If you call it ‘settling’, then yes, I have settled

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I’ll be getting married on the 3rd Saturday in May to a man I am not in love with.

***

An ideal romantic, I have always believed in love. I looked forward to being swept right off my feet by Prince Charming. I’m the type who would weep over a love tale well told and cheer as the couple in the movies kiss and live happily ever after.

Now, however, after a really bad relationship and 28 years in the bag, I have realised that that feeling of being in love is overrated and is the final and most negligible consideration in looking for a mate. Any guy I loved never loved me back to the degree I loved. They were bad guys, sharp guys that special kind of fine guys. It never lasted. Most relationships I have been in, I have been the 70% giver, while I’d make do with whatever measly 30% the other party offered now and then. I’d lap it up like a thirsty kitten, grateful for the occasional love thrown my way.

Bode was the worst of them all. Everyone warned me against him, even his sister who loved me as her own. I stayed with him for 26 months of my life and even when we split, it was he who did the breaking up. He had cheated and cheated, it got to the point that I was now grateful to be called or visited. I stopped checking his phones because I knew what exactly I would find there and I could not bear the pain anymore. I would complain and scream and he will get mad at me for snooping on him and eventually, I would be the one apologising for not ‘trusting him enough’.

I would purpose in my heart to break up with him but find myself staying on the minute I heard his voice and he talked that talk to me. He turned me into a shadow of myself. I became a crazed out girl keeping tabs on his every move. I’d go out weekends with him just to ensure he does not hook up with any other girl. I’d randomly show up at his because I heard a lady’s voice in the background when I called. Eventually, he did the breaking up himself telling me he doesn’t deserve me. I never thought I’d beg a guy to stay with me but I did. I begged Bode, told him I wasn’t complaining. I even told him that I understood that because we are age mates he might feel the need to spread his tentacles and that I would patiently wait for him to outgrow his ways. He passed on my offer.

***

I’ll be getting married to Tayo. Tayo is born again. He doesn’t have the ready sweet words to speak. He doesn’t dress so nicely. He doesn’t get me or keep me excited. But in him, I’ve found peace and joy. Tayo would leave whatever he is doing if I need his help. He would ALWAYS drive down to the airport to pick me up when I come visiting him in Abuja. It would have been more convenient for him to have me take a cab. The day he offered to do that, I was surprised. Bode would NEVER do that. At his kindest, he’ll ask his driver to come get me. He’ll probably simply ask me to get a cab and he’ll pay. Tayo would never sleep until he has spoken with me, prayed with me and wished me a good night. With Bode, I’d be the one calling and calling.

Tayo has showed me that it is possible to have a good guy, a guy who cherishes and respects you and most importantly, loves God and puts Him first. His level of consideration towards me still baffles me. I never knew such was possible and this is why I shied away from a relationship with him initially.  It all seemed too good to be true. But it has been 11 months of courtship and he has remained the same steadfast, loving, caring man I first met.

As I walk down the aisle, I am sure my belly will not have butterflies in them but I’d walk down confident of the fact that I am placing my life in the hands of a good man. A man who takes instructions from God and passes them on to the home with love. A man who values family and togetherness and would put me before anything and anyone else. A man with whom I am sure I play second fiddle to no one but God. A man who would be a good role model to our children. A man who would stand by me no matter what happens in the home.

My mom has assured me that the sweeping love will come once the sex begins. Apparently, once you start sleeping with a man, the love grows. I look forward to it. But right now, I’m in a happy, content place.

I might not be with the handsome charmer I longed for as a young teenager. He might not have the best physique in the world. He might not have funny things to say to me all the time. He might not be able to make my heart do somersaults. He might not have the latest clothes and shoes nor know the latest slangs young peoples say. He might not understand my love for E! news and Yoruba movies. But of this I am sure:

I am with the man God selected, handpicked for me. I’m with a man with whom I feel safe, secure, looked after, cared for, pampered. I’m always relaxed. I don’t have to check his phones or wonder who he is speaking with. My heart doesn’t have to skip beats when he is not with me. I don’t have to call him 10 times before I get one call back from him. I’m not pressured to do anything ungodly instead I am challenged to draw closer to God and know Him more that I might be a deserving wife to the man God designed for me and that I may bring him as much joy and bliss as he does me. If you call this settling then yes, this girl HAS settled.

Regards,

Folu…

***

I’m not saying this writer is right and has selected wisely but Tayo clearly seems like a better choice than Bode. Many times, we ladies prioritise the wrong things. We place the cart before the horse. We look first for butterfly feelings and put that feeling of security, warmth and peace aside. We put God second and put feelings first. We dismiss a good guy for a fun guy. We dismiss the voice of wisdom, that small still voice telling us not to go ahead, or even to slow down. We damn the consequences and end up getting burnt. I pray God leads us and that we follow His leading. Amen.

Love,

Temiville.xoxo

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Are you sure you’re applying hard enough?

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2012 is here and aside of a minor glitch that threatened to steal my joy sometime towards the end of 2011, I am as happy and as grateful and it gets. No no no. I’m not saying everything is rosey and dandy. But through the thorns of life, I still smell the roses. I’m looking to God for a lot of things this year and I will go ahead and share with you the Number 1 on my mind: my career.

I have always been the type who prides herself on being at least a couple of steps ahead of her peers. I got that from my dad. Back in Corona, if I came 2nd, instead of being excited for me that I beat so many others, my dad’s focus would be on that one person I failed to beat.

I took this spirit with me all the way to University. Anyone who knows how Law works would know that getting 68% in a module is something to be happy about. But never I. Once I found out that some people on the course achieved 70 and above, I’d feel as though I did not try hard enough. Through the help of the Holy Spirit, I have been able to lead a pretty content life that simply channeled my nature into a quest for excellence and not outright ‘Get it or Die There’ behaviour.

Now, I am in that phase where I have been handheld by my parents for as long as they owe me and even longer and it’s about time I got that dream job and started towing that career path I worked my butt off at Uni for. I dreaded returning to Nigeria, not mainly because of security issues, lack of constant electricity or bad roads but because of employment matters. I HATE being idle and I HATE doing what I should not be doing. So now that NYSC is practically over for me, the question now arises, ‘What Next?’.

Everyone has a piece of advice to throw at me:

‘Go to Law School, Go back to Jand and use your work permit, Go for your PhD, Get an MBA, Focus on your writing, therein lies your breakthrough, Manage any job o, jobs are hard to come by in Nigeria.’ Decisions decisions.

These are pretty much tough decisions to make and I don’t want life to decide for me. I don’t want to go to Law School simply because I don’t have a dream job. I don’t want to start work simply because it’s not yet time for Law School. I don’t want to start an MBA simply because I gained admission into a prestigious school and I might not have the opportunity to defer it. I want to lead and live a PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE. I don’t want to do stuff just because. No! I want to do stuff because it is RIGHT and God says so. I want to live on purpose not by chance or because the opportunity springs forth.

Even in my search for a job, I want to be able to be offered something and turn it down because it does not fit into the overall picture of my life. I don’t want to just take any job in a remote part of Nigeria because the pay is good and it is better than staying home with mommy and daddy and being turned into Sikiratu Number 2 or mom’s standby driver (lol, my folks won’t do that, or would they?, lol!).

People say wait on God, pray, fast, read your Bible and trust in God. This sometimes can be a painful pill to swallow but believe me, it is the only way forward. It is the only thing that will keep you smiling and able to keep your head up high even as you believe in God to bring you to your Land of Promise.

I had a convo with my beloved brother yesterday and I really felt like strangling him lol and that is part of what has inspired this post. This is how it went: No sooner had I said something about being excited that NYSC would be over soon on my BBM and put this picture than my big bro pounced on me:

Big Brother N: How far with job?

Moi: I’m searching and applying.

Big Brother N: Do you have any concrete one that you’ll be starting after you finish

Well, I have some in the works but I wont say concrete concrete like that

Big Brother N: Temi, I dont think you’re applying enough or trying hard. You can’t sit at home o, you’ll be frustrated.

Moi:Ok

BBN: What of the people mom said you should contact

Moi: Nothing came out of it, I did

BBN:Hmm

Moi:Whats ‘hmm’?

BBN:I’m just saying sha. But they’ll retain you where you are now

Moi:Err no

BBN:Why not?

Moi:Its an MNC and they tend to work with quota, head count ish. And there’s no space now.

BBN:Are you sure?

*at this time, I was livid but trying to control myself*

Moi:Yes dude, I am sure

BBN:Ok o, try harder sha

Moi:Ok

***

A friend of mine was saying how people have been asking her why she’s not yet married? LOL! At least, I’m being spared that. Thank God for every blessing. She says next time she’s asked she’ll promptly respond that she’ll meet herself, toast herself, court herself, propose to herself and marry herself. Lol!

Anyways, I feel much better after letting this out.

I know God is in charge of my affairs and He will sort me out as He will you.

It is well!

On a random note: I want to see how long I can go with my hair, no weaves, no braids just my relaxed hair. This is Week 1. Erm, the first picture above, I’ve lost small weight abi? 😀

Temiville.xoxo