How easy is it to forgive AND forget? Is this even possible? This is something I have been mulling over for a while now. I have always been a firm believer in forgiving people who have hurt you but protecting yourself from future harm. The way to do this is acknowledging their weak points and help them not to offend you again by refusing to make your past mistakes of over trusting them. For instance, if you know someone has a problem with stealing, you refrain from leaving money lying around when they are there. This way, you might have totally forgiven them for the last time they stole your stuff, but you sure are not letting it happen again.
Let me give a short illustration: If your friend gets angry easily and when angry, can scream at you publicly and say all manners of demeaning words to you, do you keep freely joking around her, knowing any little thing can tick her off or do you tread carefully or even at the extreme, gradually reduce contact since you know you don’t have the heart that can handle such? I know people who can fight now and speak vile words at each other and the next minute, they are back to being best buddies. But if you are the type of person who gets deeply hurt by words, do you keep putting yourself in the firing line? Is that even wise?
You know the passage about guarding your heart with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life? Well, by knowing that a person has a weakness in a particular area, and refusing to let them hurt you, are you not so guarding your heart? If you keep letting someone hurt you because you have chosen to forget their weak points, you will keep getting hurt if they repeat it and this might even lead to bitterness which is a whole load of trouble in itself because the chances are high the unforgiveness will set in.
I underwent a bit of Bible research to find out if there is any part of the Bible that focussed on forgetting that someone has the tendency to err in a certain area because of your past experiences with them. I discovered quite a number of passages onforgiveness but not on forgetting. Is the whole concept of forgetting not Biblical?
Ephesians 4:26-27 says “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, {27} nor give place to the devil.
Hebrews 12:14-15 says we ought to “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. {15} See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
Matthew 6:14-15 also tells us that “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. {15} But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Those are the types of messages I was receiving concerning forgiveness. Not once did I learn that we ought to wipe it off our heads. Please don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong in forgetting people’s wrongdoing to you. I have forgotten quite a number of wrong done to me. However, it was with time that this happened. After totally forgiving them and not feeling hurt anymore, I made an effort not to dwell on it anymore and with time (sometimes days, sometimes weeks, depending on the gravity), I totally forgot all about it. What I’m not entirely sure about, however, is whether this is something we ourselves should strive towards. Should we just let God do His thing in our lives and not try to delete the memories ourselves?
It is only God that I know forgives our iniquities and remembers them no more. The aim is to be perfect like God. However, I believe God Himself will work this in us. I also believe it is wise to learn people’s strengths and weaknesses and ensure that we do not play on their weak points. We can only do this by remembering how they once were. We pray for them but still refuse to lead them sin’s way.
We might remember the wrong done to us, but what we do with this memory is what is crucial. Do we feel bitter? Do we just want to ‘do our own back’?
So guys, do you think it is possible to forget totally that someone hurt you deeply? If yes, how do you get yourself to that point? A friend once argued that there really is no forgiveness when you don’t forget. How true do you think this is? Finally, if we leave an offender to God, is that true forgiveness?
Let’s muse!
Temiville.xoxo
Enjoy this song I discovered recently…
RANDOM CONFESSION: Moving
Musings of a Caramel Latte Addict 
Jan 13, 2011 @ 07:43:44
Wow this is so true….but If we forgive and forget, we might not be able to deal/manage the persons fault(s), so whenever they wrong you *again*, you’ll think of a better way of controlling the situation…. well God is our helper.
Jan 13, 2011 @ 08:56:50
God never placed a demand on us to forget, it isn’t feasible in most cases. He asks only to forgive. We must however be truthful if we struggle with forgiveness and ask the Holy Spirit for help.
The bible says wisdom is the principal thing (Proverbs 4:7), in ALL dealings, physical and spiritual, wisdom MUST prevail. If it entails keeping away from those with the propensity to grieve us, then so be it. The only thing that matters more than your action is the motive behind it. So if you choose to withdraw from others to avoid Sin, God wouldn’t hold it against you.
Jan 13, 2011 @ 09:04:56
Age long argument this is.
But like Bishop Eddie Long said “it doesn’t mean you’ll have no memory of the wrong that was done to you. But the pain that wells up inside you every time you think of it will be taken away.”
It is the pain that makes a difference. if you can think of an offence against you, and you do not feel the characteristic pain that was a constant companion before you truly forgave, then you’re free from it!
*Think Joyce Meyer and the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father*
My thoughts.
Jan 13, 2011 @ 09:27:05
The act of forgiving is one thing and forgetting is another. Its hard to forgive and even harder to forget. Personally, i think that if someone offends us and you don’t forgive, that person has power over you because at the mention of the person’s name, you cringe…Forgiveness is key in life but forgetting isn’t easy, we need diplomacy to be able to accept and still keep the relationship going……
Jan 13, 2011 @ 09:29:57
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Jan 13, 2011 @ 11:08:37
The issue of forgiving and forgetting is a very deep issue. It takes the grace of God. If you think you can do it by ur own power, u are joking. It’s really hard to forgive and forget especially when the scars are still dere. I’m talking about deep issues like rape, murder etc. Only God can help us. Most people find it hard to forgive cus they feel if they do, the other party has the upper hand. We forgive people that offend us not because of them but because of ourselves. If you don’t forgive, you are hindering access to God. How to know if u’ve truly forgiven someone is that when you see them, you don’t feel any grudge or malice. You have that inner peace. I have been wronged in the past, I still remember the incidents but I don’t dwell on it cus it’s not worth it.
Unforgiveness is like living in a spiritual bondage. When you forgive,your spirit feels lighter as if a load has been lifted off your chest.
May God give us the grace to forgive
http://www.shanday.wordpress.com
Jan 13, 2011 @ 11:14:14
Great post! My recommendation is that..we should pray for the Holy Spirit to help us not to be hurt when we remember. Some people would argue that if we forgave/forgot about the wrongs/hurts, we should be able to trust the individual in future. I’m not sure if I agree with that, due to the fact that we have to apply wisdom in all that we do. However, that may be ‘earthly wisdom’ but if I am trying to be Christ like, Jesus will definitely forgive and trust the individual another time. Like the way He forgives me my sins.
As a believer, I find it difficult to forget what individuals have done to hurt me. However, I usually associate with the individual regardless of what the person must have done. I’m not usually hurt when I remember.
You are a great blogger, this type of post and all your previous post will help us to work out our salvation with fear and trembling and also to reflect on how the fruits of the Spirit are manifesting in our lives and the ones that we need to work on.
Jan 13, 2011 @ 11:41:00
Life is a contradiction of sorts. Sometimes forgetting does you good, other times remembering with or without the pain does you more good – zilch disservice. Its having the God-wisdom 2 apply each at varying times. A woman sexually abused at a young age should never forget the pain that precipitates from the act in form shame, low self-esteem & the turmoil she went through so she can better help others in later times but should let go of the pain associated with the abuser (case in point – oprah, joyce meyer, paula white). If we all forgot about the pain associated with hurt, the world would move at a slower pace that negates development (especially as concerns human emotions and values)- Konzentrationslager, 9/11, D-day, apartheid, slavery, niger-delta, sudan, the jared lougner tucson shooting massacre etc. ‘Numbing’ self via cleansing or repression has its advantages & disadvantages. We can only trust God to help us completely yield to His will for each and every situation. Getting it right 100% of the time means we’ve stopped being human & usurped God’s position. We get kicked, we fall/yelp in pain/mask the pain with a straight face & we move on (hopefully as better, more rounded persons)
Jan 13, 2011 @ 11:41:40
Forgiveness is a very deep issue, particularly if u have been hurt so much. Am talking bout issues like rape, murder etc. It’s only the grace of God that will make one forgive. It’s not by man’s power at all. Most people think when you forgive someone, esp when you are not the one at fault, you are giving the other party the upper hand. The reality is you forgive not because of the other party but because of yourself. If you don’t forgive, you can’t have access to the Father. Living in Unforgiveness is like living in bondage, it’s only when you forgive that you are set free. You know you’ve truly forgiven someone when you see that person, and you don’t feel all the pain the person has caused you, rather you have inner peace. I don’t believe one can completely erase the memory of someone wronging you, what you can do is to release the person and not dwell on what the person has done to you.
May God give us the grace to forgive amen.
http://www.shanday.wordpress.com
Jan 13, 2011 @ 13:42:05
I had an earlier discussion on forgiveness and someone gave an illustration about one of the Kaduna crises, remembering a guy that slit the throat of his brother. Yes, he forgave after a while but he can never forget it, seeing the guy brings back bitter memories.
@PastorYPJ had a couple of tweets to say
To forgive & forget doesn’t mean the offense has been erased from your memory but from your heart
If you’ve truly forgiven them for what they have done bad, you’ll stop discussing that same bad… for good
When you choose not to forgive, you are actually choosing not to live. Unforgiveness is bondage
Unforgiveness is the cancer of the soul. It eats away at your heart.
Its not easy to let go of unforgiveness but its harder to hold on to it
the gravity of the wrongdoing counts, the reoccurence of the same thing can further solidify the hatred n bitterness. Above all, you need the help of God.
Okeydoks!
Jan 13, 2011 @ 14:44:46
temi, forgiveness is one issue that will take forever to talk about , i have had situations when people i hold dear to my heart really hurt me and as a sanguine , i didn’t know how to respond to this hurt , should i keep the smiles on and behave as if nothing happened or should i nip in the bud . Not talking about it , hurts like hell , it makes me angry at myself , at my cowardice of not telling what i think about the issue.
Lord help us in the journey called Life , it is so complex.
Jan 13, 2011 @ 17:20:02
I think forgiveness is not necessarily forgetting, but choosing not to hold that person responsible for your pain ever again. We are humans, we remember stuff – even when we don’t want to, our environment reminds us. Genuine forgiveness is dropping the baggage and smiling despite the pain, which will fade as the days go by.
Jan 14, 2011 @ 00:55:39
hello temi
how are you?
it’s interesting you talked on this subject because i just posted an article on forgiveness 2hrs ago. great minds thinking alike????
we cant forget the pain experienced as a result someone hurting us BUT we can manage it’s effects and control our emotions.
Once we’ve made that decision to forgive and takes responsibility for how we feel, the things/people responsible for hurting begin to lose their relevance because the impact of the hurt diminishes.
there are steps we can take to get to that point eg. feeling good about ourselves, being optimistic, reconciling, understanding & accepting it’s okay to be angry…..
my response to your friends argument: an individual who was in an abusive relationship could forgive the person in question, but is he going to forget the sleepless nights, emotional or mental torture, verbal abuse… experienced in the past?
the answer:no! because he was the victim but he can choose to overlook those issues once he has chosen to forgive the culprit.
finally leaving an offender to God..
it depends on the context.
sometimes we say that out of bitterness/anger but the truth is our hearts secretly wish that something bad happens to the people who hurt us so they can understand how we feel and we can also gloat knowing they are hurt.
I subscribe to the concept of believing in Gods sovereignity knowing all things work together for good…. and if we cast our burdens on him in prayers and supplications, he would strengthen our inner man.
thanks for sharing this.
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day
Jan 14, 2011 @ 04:33:55
it’s easy to forgive if any one hurts/offend you, but our human nature complels us to put some distance away from such a person for a period of time to heal up.
That means it takes time to forget the wrong the person has done but the person has been forgiven. But i have realised over time that we need to understand peoples weakness, once you know the weakness of a person even if offended by that person publicly or not theres no need to reframe from being close even if being embarrassed just IGNORE it. It MaY SoUnD IMPOSSIBLE but it works. Take it not to heart; patiently, wisely act like you didnt hear/feel it even if its being done repeatedly.
NOTE: Do not use a persons weakness against them, but patiently encourage them that they can over come it cos we are not born perfect.
THOUGHT: True forgiveness will cost us a price of totally letting go of EVERY(ALL) hurts done to us, but REAL LOVE covers a multitude of sin and never counts it against such a person.
Jan 14, 2011 @ 04:57:40
And if we say leaving an offender to God. In our hearts we are saying God should deal with the person so that the person will not try it again. This is “BITTERNESS” of the highest order. it means you are totally bent on seeing the person pay dearly for hurting you so you hand the person over to God.
To be forgiven by God you must forgive others. To be Merciful you must show mercy yourself when you are hurt, one cant escape it.
we must LOVE at all cost no matter how offended or not its a command by God cos without Gods love we are going no where. Infact if you dont LOVE then youre not GODs Child cos GOD is Love himself.(john 3:16).
We all have to prayerfully get ride of all uNfOrGiVeNeSs/HuRts/HaTrEd/BITTERNESS/AnGeR/MaLliCe from our lives and move forward.
@ Temi 9ice 1, Such a wonderful message this period of time!
Jan 14, 2011 @ 15:29:54
It is very important to forgive and as long as we do not forgive, we hardly receive answers to our prayers and it also serves as an impediment to accessing our blessings.
Forgetting could be more complex than we easily think sometimes. How do you expect a young lady who ‘in her own mind’ felt she had found true love and decided to give in to her boyfriend/fiance for sex, only for the guy after a few months chicken out of the relationship, siting reasons as flimsy as “you look like big, and I think you’ll be bigger after giving birth”? How do you expect such a lady to forget such a painful break-up with the one who first ‘knew’ her?
I’ve been attending Covenant Christian Centre for some time now and Pastor Poju Oyemade recently talked about asking God to judge in such matters. Now, you are not asking God to kill your offender. You are coming to Him with reverence and a pure heart, genuinely asking God to search your heart and reward you accordingly on whatever matter it is. (A similar context can be found in Jer.22:13)
At times like that, we ought to ask God’s judgement and recompense. “When you go for vengeance, you don’t get justice. Don’t (bear) grudges in your heart against others; free them and ask God to judge. Ask God to judge issues in your life… Why many of us still live in hurt, pain and forgiveness is because we have not asked God to judge the matter(s) in ur lives, now and in the past. God’s judgement purifies the earth ” -Pastor Poju Oyemade (my notes from two consecutive weeks of his sermon)
I have felt peace in my heart at some points in the past when I honestly left things to God after forgiving. I hope this ‘long’ commentary helps somebody.
Cheers!
http://gbengaawomodu.wordpress.com
Jan 15, 2011 @ 12:57:21
Wow, your post and the commentators have really thought me a thing or two on the topic of forgiveness. I believe it is possible to forgive and also forget, the latter may take a longer time but it is possible, especially if you hope to retain a good relationship with the person who hurt you. Thanks for sharing this.
Jan 28, 2011 @ 17:07:37
Personally I think forgiveness takes a while, I am talking based on what I been through so far. I believe in forgiveness not only because God urges to do it or because I sin and I need forgiveness from my father. It mainly because I cannot live in bondage, misery, sadness, turmoil, self pity, hatred etc. I refuse to be the VICTIM and be an advocate for the devil to come and manipulate me even more. I chose to forgive because I a releasing myself to greater things such as healing, perseverance, understanding, righteousness. All the positivity I will experience after forgiveness, that is why I chose to forgive. However, having made that decision, it is only through God grace I am able to stick to it, there are many instances where I can easily give-up the race. It will take quite a time to forget depending on the situation. But it is possible to forget, I have been through all sort of abuse, and I have forgotten about it. It is only God ooh and you too. It takes two tango.
Besides, time helps too but God is the utmost helper
Jan 30, 2011 @ 17:43:36
Wow! This is deep. In my opinion,i don’t think its that easy to forgive and forget, well it depends on the gravity of the sin. Someone once offended me, i have forgiven him but i am finding it really hard to forget.