For the sake of ‘Peace’- Parts 2 and 3

20 Comments

Hi guys,

Howdy? Hope you’re all well. Job hunting is going good and I’m really excited that something great is around the corner in Jesus’ name! Thank you for all your kind words. God bless you all.x

Here are Parts 2  and 3 of For the sake of Peace. I have had people call my phone asking me to publish the second part. It took a while because I thought it best to publish two parts at once to compensate for the delay. I honestly hope we learn a thing or two from this. It is lengthier than the first one as much of the story unfolds here.

My good friend put this on her status a few days ago, ‘Better to be single and happy than married and miserable’. Ladies (and gentlemen), please keep that in mind whenever you feel a tinge of envy or pain that all your friends are getting married or engaged and you are all alone. Marriage is too important to be messed with or entered into without caution. Get excited, not for that one day, but for the future ahead, the real deal, the Marriage.

Another good friend, Ufoma (CEO, Rubies n Emerald, an event planning company) told me a great wedding can take up to a year planning. That is a 6-10 hour event. How much more should we take in planning a marriage, which we pray will last forever. Go figure!

Please read and learn.

Love lots,

Temiville.xoxo

Marrying you, Dipo was a mistake I knowingly made. It’s like a young girl letting that boy run his hands down her blouse. As his fingers descend, she knows it’s wrong, she knows she should stop him but she lets him go on anyway; not because of any pleasure she feels but because she just wants to go ahead. Now I know it to be self destruct. Oladipo Richard Adeyele, marrying you was an exercise in self destruction.

married

Surprisingly, the first 6 months as Mrs. Oladipo R. Adeyele were blissful. I changed my display name to that and our perfect wedding photo was constantly my DP. I felt bliss. Thinking back now, I felt that way because I had no expectations whatsoever. Wrong! I had expectations alright. I expected you to start cheating within the first month. Darn, I even knew one of your exes who had the nerve to show up at our wedding in the tightest, boob baring bandage dress I have ever seen, grinding with one of the groomsmen whilst you, my husband looked on, mesmerized then jealous by her show of shame.

Dipo, you surprised me. You see, dear readers, Dipo was not a great or loving man but he let me be. He would eat whatever I served and say a polite thanks. He would text me ‘I’m running late’ if he would be home after 9pm. He would compliment my homemaking efforts before his friends and family. He would gobble down my ogbono experiment which recipe I got from the Facebook page- So you think you can cook. The sex with him was mechanical, efficient, machine like, ritualistic- kiss, fondle, sex – in that order- nothing like I’d hoped but it was okay and at least, got me pregnant in the 10th month of our marriage.

images blog

My dream had come true! Finally, he would pet me, cuddle me or at least cuddle my bump. I had finally gotten the glue to bind us in love. I was already 3 months pregnant before noticing. I was one of those medical mysteries because I still saw my period during the first 2 months of my pregnancy so though I had gained a bit of weight, I had attributed it to my many trips to Ice-cream Factory. I was slower and easily tired,  but I zeroed my mind that it could never be down to pregnancy. It was my mother in law who practically forced me to get tested. I called Dipo so excitedly as I left the clinic. Oladipo, you were so excited! You screamed. I’d never been the source of so much joy from you and I was so proud of myself. I grinned from ear to ear like a Chesire cat as I drove back to work.

One day, at 4 months gone, you snapped at me as I got ready to go to your office dinner, ‘can you not find something else to wear?! Your folds are all over the place, Sade in my office is 7 months pregnant and rolls are not hanging everywhere, do something about it woman, I don’t do obesity!’  I didn’t know that tears had started rolling down until I tasted the saltiness. Everyone else had said I was looking fit and great in pregnancy. They said I glowed. But I only believed your words. As I grew bigger, I’d get changed in the bathroom before coming out. I’d wear Body Magic. I didn’t want you to see the ‘rolls and folds’.

Nkechi, my friend was also pregnant and spoke of still having sex with her husband and still being just as desirable to him. She made me blush at her tales of their escapades in and out of bed. Dipo, you and I had stopped engaging in anything remotely related to lovemaking at 4 and a half months into my pregnancy. I felt ugly, disgusting, fat. And so I started using slimming products. I looked for the most drastic in result I could find. I read the instructions carefully and there it was- a healthy, herbal, natural slimming aid. It must be safe, I thought to myself. Within the first 2 weeks, I lost weight enough for you, Dipo, to notice and comment on. I was giddy with joy. Yay! I’d be just like Victoria Beckham and look so slim immediately after child birth. I decided to increase the dosage and it worked. The folds reduced, my thighs had that gap between them, my neck had a hollow. I only had vegetables, fruit and the shake that came with the slimming package. After a month of using, in my 6th month, we had sex, at your instance. I was looking great. That night, I gained your attention. That night, I lost our son.

sad-black-man

You wept on the hospital floor. I was numb. The doctor, an elderly family friend, was merciless. I thought it was unprofessional to outrightly blame a woman for her own miscarriage. The doctor threw professionalism to the wind and blamed me for not eating right. My weight was not commensurate with how far along I was given my last statistics when I saw her. I weighed less than I did 3 months before and only had a bump and not as much body to show for my pregnancy. I dared not confess that I was also on drugs to stay slim. She probably would have slapped me there and then. Rightly too. I wanted to kick myself.

On our drive home, you were quiet. I tried to play the victim and would periodically hold on to my belly as though in pain just to get you to touch me and comfort me. Darn! I was the one who had lost her child. But you were having none of it and all you said was, ‘if you need to see the doctor, lemme turn back’. I knew I had lost the battle.

3 months after the miscarriage, on the exact day our son would have turned one week old, I saw the first sign of your infidelity. You received a call, smiled when you saw who was calling and walked out to receive it. You were on the phone for 45 minutes, laughing intermittently.  I knew I was in trouble.

You came back to the house, went straight to our room, had a second bath and got dressed in your best casual native attire, your newest sandals and perfume, took the keys to the new car and mumbled, ‘I’m going out and don’t keep the keys in the lock ’cause I’ll let myself in’. I knew it was over.

I waited for you. My favorite show was on but all I saw were the blurry figures on the screen through my tears. I had finished a whole bottle of white wine. I turn to alcohol when sad. That night, I was worse than sad, I was depressed. It was as though I was waiting for the inevitable sentence of death on my marriage. At 1:15am, you walked in. You were sober and looked happy until you saw me. I brought your straight face out. As much as I wanted and was almost physically itching to, I dared not ask where you had been for two reasons: 1. Early on in our relationship, you had warned me never to inquire as to your whereabouts unless you willingly offered an explanation. 2. I was scared you would be honest and tell me where exactly you had been and the answer would break me. I’d rather not know for sure. So through my post drunken state, I said, ‘welcome, should I bring your food?’.

There was no food but I just wanted to act normal and I was certain you would say no. To my shock, you said yes and proceeded to change the station to watch the replay of your favorite teams’ match screaming at each goal, missed or scored. That confirmed one thing- you had spent the evening and night with someone who didn’t care for football and you sacrificed such a big match for them. You were certainly not with one of the boys, certainly not. I was able to whip up something for you, quickly enough for you not to suspect I’d just started cooking it. You ate it, totally fixated on the tv screen, totally ignoring me. Quietly, I walked to the room and slept off. The time was 2:46 am.

Living a lie is hard. You know your man is cheating, you might even have finally put a face on the bitch’s name. But there you are, playing the dutiful wife. In your mind, it’s better to be an innocent victim, a cheated-on Mrs than have an openly failed marriage. You forget that in both situations, the marriage has failed openly.

sad girl

Dipo got bolder and bolder. He would stay away for weekends claiming he was away on business trips to Abuja, Ibadan, Akure, Kaduna. He forgot who I am. Or maybe he just didn’t care anymore. I am a master sleuth, always have been, always will be. I know everything or can at least find out. In Uni, I’d help my girlfriends find out if their men were cheating by just listening to the stories they tell. I knew which boyfriend was outrightly cheating and which was just bored.

Dipo forgot that we put a tracking device on all our 3 cars and with a click, I’d know exactly where the car was located. Through the tracker, I discovered that his mistress was living in Akute, in the outskirts of Lagos. I found out that he would leave his work at 5pm everyday, pick her up and head to hers together. I’m not sure if he would drive behind her or actually pick her up but he was a man of routine and he stuck to this pattern during the week. On Fridays, the car was usually around the Island till 11/12pm before making the journey to Akute where he would sleep. These days, it was on the Island till Saturday which means they thought better of driving in the dangers of the night and just decided to stay in a hotel. Unfailingly, by 12 noon on Saturday, the car would make the journey to Akute. The check out time for most hotels is 12 noon.

My first reaction to Dipo’s cheating was pain, then sadness, then anger. I wished he had a string of girlfriends. That way, I was assured he gave his heart to no one else. But with just one person in his life, it was clear he was in love with her. That was the main problem. It is easier to salvage a marriage where a party gives just their body away. It is very hard where the heart has also been taken away.

My second main reaction was to seek revenge. I called up an ex boyfriend of mine, ‘just to check up’. I even agreed to meet up with him, ready to give in if he made the move. I thought to myself that if I slept with someone too, we would be even and I wouldn’t feel this much hurt and pain. Thank God it was Seun I chose. I had dated Seun in Year 1 in LASU. We broke up and then had a moment during our Masters year. He was eager to rekindle our love and wasn’t detracted by the fact that I had met someone else. His reasoning was that since I wasn’t married, then I could move on. He’d travel from Dundee to Leicester on the Megabus just to see me and hand-deliver now wilting flowers to me. It was exhilarating but I was strong and in order not to succumb, I stopped picking his calls or responding to his messages.

It was hard at first. Those who had met him the two times he came visiting loved his pleasant and fun nature. He once lifted me up in the city centre much to the delight of my friends and the disapproving looks of some stuck up British people. You see, it was so easy to like Seun. For my friends, they preferred him to the so called boyfriend they had never seen and hardly saw me speak to on the phone simply because he made an effort. Whenever Dipo came to the UK, I’d have to leave school and go to wherever he was. He never ever stepped into Leicester. I always defended him by saying since he had come all the way from Nigeria, the least I could do was to get my butt off to London.

I was Suzy the Seductress the day Seun and I met up but Seun had become born again and was now a Pastor, well not really a Pastor but a counsellor in his church. I guess the Holy Spirit does reveal stuff because he saw through it all. ‘Gbekeleoluwa, why are you doing this?’, he asked as I flirtatiously flicked my Peruvian hair away from my eyes.

skinny jeans

Earlier that day, I had tracked Dipo’s car. It was on its way to Akute and had just gone past Ojodu-Berger. I reminisced on how Dipo would complain and complain about the distance whenever I suggested that we visit my parents in Okota. The very same man was now making daily trips to Akute which is pretty much in Ogun state! That was what sealed my resolve to commit attempted cheating. I wore my hottest skinny jeans, a sheer top and my only Louboutins (yeah, I once caught Dipo admiring a girl in Loubs and thought to invest in the N100,000 red soles and nope, he never for once noticed them!). I applied my make up like I was going for a modeling competition, each lid was well mascara-ed, brows shapened and well highlighted, lips as red as scarlet, cheeks tinted with blush. I was well made up yet it was subtle and classy. I admired myself as I got into my car. I took a few selfies and uploaded one on my DP with a message that read, ” Off to have fun *wide grin* *dancing smiley* ” hoping to God Dipo would notice and ask where I was off to. Lord knows any form of love from him right then would have stopped me. Within 10 minutes of the drive from our Nicon Towers home to the restaurant off Bourdillon, I had received 11 BBMs, some admiring me, others asking where was off to. None was from Dipo.

Ibiso

Like I said, Seun saw through it all and refused to encourage or participate in my decision to commit adultery. He paid for the food and told me that for the sake of God and his love for Him, he had to leave. In his words, ‘Gbeke, I’m literally pulling a Joseph here. It’s either I flee now or I fall. I will be praying for you. Your home will be healed and you will laugh again. Don’t call on any man, call on Jesus. All things are possible’. He got up and walked away. There I was with more food than I could consume. I had no a appetite either. I watched as the waiter counted the 18 notes of N1000 asking if all is well. ‘Yes, I’m fine’ I replied. Another date gone bad, he must have thought. Little did he know. I took my bag and walked into my car, turned on the ignition and the AC. Using the Johnson baby wipes that is always in my car, I wiped off every trace of make up from off my face and drove home.

sad and frustrated

Today, as I write, I place a curse on everyone, who, knowing full well that a person is married, assists in any way, shape, form, manner, however grand or minute, in defiling the marriage bed and causing them to break their vows. May it never be well with them. May they suffer irreparable loss. May they ask and never receive. May they seek and not find. May they knock and may the door remain firmly shut against them. May their children suffer heartbreak. May the disease of the Egyptians fall on them. May the curses of Deuteronomy 28 from verse 15 to 68 be theirs. I also extend this prayer to everyone aiding and abetting them, to their friends who encourage or even condone such acts, who call you and another woman too ‘our wife’, like Dipo’s friend, Sanmi who hooked him up with his mistress. Sanmi, may you look for peace in your home and not find it. Sanmi, I pray that one day, you will find out that your 2 lovely boys belong to your driver and gateman respectively. Sanmi, as you have put asunder, may God close His ears to your cries and cover His eyes to your pains. Amen.

 *

Nkechi came visiting yesterday. I told her everything. Things I have not been able to voice out, even to myself. I spoke it all. She cried and then prayed with me and invited me to her church. Oh, did I mention that going to church has become a drag? Seeing couples holding hands in prayer of agreement and dancing together, laughing etc just makes me remember the void in my life then sickens me to my stomach. So gradually, I stopped going.

I have now decided to go along with her to her Church to pray for a change. I’m not going to hold my breath but I will try and believe that change will come. I will try to resurrect my dead marriage. I will try to bring back the love. I will return to God and ask that He saves me. I’m only 29 and already going through marital turmoil. It really is not a walk in the park.

I have taken time to report the situation because I was scared of baring it all. But I now know I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I tried my best for my home. I did all in the books. I tried to be sexy for my man. By the way, I’m now a size 8 up and 10 down. I would cook and cook and do all I could. Today, it was lasagne, tomorrow it would be ofada rice and stew? Dinner was going to stay fun and unpredictable, I had vowed. On Sundays and Saturdays, it would be the full English breakfast or ‘akara’ made to perfection or the pancakes in the Roman fashion that Fadeke taught me. I was a perfect Hannah the Homemaker and Catherine the Cook. I was also Sasha the sexy fierce vixen in bed, contorting myself till my neck almost snapped. I did absolutely everything, I did all. All but one. I married the wrong man. I was using the right techniques on the wrong product. I went against all I knew was right. I married someone who valued neither my presence nor my absence. I didn’t marry my friend. I didn’t let God choose, I chose and forced Him to approve. I saw the signs before marriage and went ahead. Even after the marriage, I ‘worked’ at it, I never prayed about it. I thought I could make Dipo love me by the things I did. It never works. It’s never in you to make a person love you, never. I’m sure we ladies all have instances of that ‘pest’ who liked us no matter how much we insulted and ignored him. That just goes to show that love is not earned.

black_bride

I have been listening to sermons on restoration. If all these happened during the courtship, I’d have left the relationship, but I am married now. So from all the counsel I have received, I now know God will have to turn my mess around. Marrying Dipo might not have been His perfect will. It might have been His permissive will but I am married and because God hates divorce (see Malachi 2:16), I will do what I can to invite Him into my home to fix my mess.

*

Watch out for the Part 4 and how things end…

Help! Mom and Dad say no!

14 Comments

Hey people!!!

Hope you’re well. Let’s take a stab at this guys! The abridged version was published on Bella Naija earlier today 😀 This is the original /unedited draft.

Enjoy!

***

Niran and I met a year ago during one of those Nigerian Job forums in England. It was an exhibition featuring some of the best employers in Nigeria and it was a ‘strictly by invitation’ event. So we all pretty much felt honoured to be there and there was this look of respect you had for the next guy because you know immediately that he must be an academic G.

It was at the GTBank stand that I saw him. I was asking the lady at the stand if they would employ a Law Graduate with an MBA but no BL (Nigerian Law School degree) when he stood beside me eagerly waiting for their response.  I looked up at him and could not but smile. I’ve always had a problem with fine guys, they were my  Achilles Heel. He was no exception. Tall, slim built, yet muscular, fine facial structure. He was very clean looking. The lady had started responding but there I was, still admiring God’s work of art. Quickly, I slipped out of my reverie in time to catch the last few sentences. Then I promptly moved on to the next stand, embarrassed at myself.

Hot!

‘You didn’t get what she said, did you?’, a deep voice said behind me. Lo and behold, it was Mr. Hotstuff again.

‘Erm, some of it’, I mumbled.

‘I noticed you were a bit distracted and given her open ended, non-specific response, I would have expected some sort of questions to follow from you’.

He then went on to explain the lady’s response to my question. To be honest, I really didn’t care for what he was saying as much as how he was saying it. He was really hot.

I found out he was doing his Masters at Jesus College, Cambridge after having finished with a First Class and also second best in his year in Ife. It took a while to become friends because I had to first of all get over my infatuation with him. That took a few weeks of totally ignoring his calls and refusing his self invite to Manchester to see me and also refusing to go to Cambridge to see him. I don’t know when exactly or how exactly it happened, but I stopped being so ‘star struck’ and started seeing him in a normal light.

The next time we saw was during the Festival of Life programme in London two months after we first met. He had come with his church bus and my friends and I had driven from Manchester because we could not make the timing of our church bus. We planned to meet up during the Testimony Time and we did. We strolled to the very back to get water and I realised I was nice and easy around him this time. We talked for a few minutes and went back to our different seats.

When he offered to come see me the following weekend, I did not protest. His friend was also in Manchester University and he would use the opportunity to see him too. He came on Saturday afternoon and went first to his friend’s to drop off his little bag and then came to see me. I had such a great time. We went shopping for his dad’s birthday present and got him a Sheaffer pen. His little sister was going home and would deliver it to him. We then went to see a movie and then had dinner at this lovely Asian restaurant at Piccadily Gardens called Rice afterwards. On Sunday, he met up with me and we went to church together, had lunch afterwards and then I saw him off to the train station to get his 5:15pm train back.

As I waited for a bus back to my house, I was reeling with excitement. I could not believe what great time I had had. You see, as someone who likes fine guys, I know very well that most of them are either cocky, stuck up, stupid, unintelligent, proud, taken or all of the above. So you can imagine my feeling of good fortune when I found out that Adeniran Ola-Baker possessed not one of those vices. He was so humble, respectful, kind, intelligent and fun to be with. I also found out he comes from a family of geniuses. His father is an alumnus of Oxford and currently a dean at Unilag. His mom has 2 Bachelors and 2 Masters degrees. His younger  sister was in the final year of her PhD programme at Nottingham at just 26! I felt a bit intimidated but he was quick to credit it all not to their hard work or natural gift but to God’s grace.

We carried on with our friendship for another 3 months till he asked me to be his girlfriend with the hope of one day becoming his wife. I was so excited. I said  a fast yes. I had prayed about him and felt so much peace in the relationship. It was as if God had come to wipe away my tears because I had kissed a few frogs in my 25 years on earth. When thoughts of him would fill my head, this song would spring up in my heart:

Oti mu mi gbagbe o ibanuje igbakan. Ashe were ni ishe Oluwa. Obati a pe toun je

The song translates thus: You have caused me to forget my past sorrows. You work speedily. The God upon whom we call and he answers.

I was indeed in a very happy place.

Our Masters programme ended and it was time to go home. We both decided against getting the Post Study Work visas and went straight home. I had met his sister, ‘Lope. She was not the geek I expected her to be. In fact, she was exceptionally fashion conscious and an ‘it’ girl for a PhD student. I just assumed all PhDers were geek glasses wearing and braces wearing. We became good friends during the  period I was in the UK.

Niran and I were on the same flight back home. My mom and 2 sisters came to pick me up whilst his mom and dad both came to pick him. That was the first introduction of our families and it was short and sweet. Two weeks after arriving Nigeria, he invited me to his parents’ to meet them properly. It was such an ordeal deciding what to wear. My mom had said ‘no English outfit’ but my big sister was the other voice saying, ‘be yourself and wear what you’re comfortable in’. In the end, my mom won and I wore a really nice yet simple Ankara dress and kitten heeled pumps. I had my hair in a bun and wore my favourite earrings.

His parents live in Unilag somewhere along a street called Ozolua. He had come to my house at Shonibare Estate to pick me up that Saturday. We got to his and his mom welcomed me with the biggest hug ever. I felt immediately at home. She was a plump woman with friendly eyes and happy disposition. She was extremely welcoming. She apologised that her husband  was on a call upstairs and would be joining us shortly. It was a very relaxed meeting and it went well. If Niran’s mom is described as friendly. His dad would be described as funny. He told one joke after the other and had me in stitches all afternoon. It was also interesting to watch his mom laugh so hard at his jokes after 32 years of marriage. It was a good afternoon.

On our drive back as Niran dropped me off, I asked,

‘Niran, I saw another girl featuring a lot in your older family albums. I thought ‘Lope was your only sister’. He went quiet for a while and I felt bad thinking maybe she had died and I was scraping at healing wounds.

‘Yes I do. We are three kids. She’s older than I am. She’s 31 this year’.

‘Oh wow! What’s her name? Where does she live? Is she also a genius like you guys?’, I asked smiling, relieved she was alive.

‘Her name is is ‘Lade, Omolade. She lives here in Lagos. She has some problems’, he said dismissively.

‘Oh, what kind of problems’, I probed.

‘She was committed to the mental institution two weeks to her Bar Finals when she was just 20. Last year was her 10th year in the Psychiatric Home. She graduated with a First Class from Ife at 19 but never got called to the Bar’. He said this as a matter-of-factly with zero emotion. I was literally open-mouthed for 5 minutes or so.

‘I’m so sorry’, I gushed, not knowing the appropriate words to speak. He dismissed it and apologised for not telling me all along. We had already gotten to my house by then. He dropped me off and left.

As soon as I got home, Charlie’s Angels were waiting for me in the living room. Charlie’s Angels are my mom (who we’ve given the pet name, Sisi Joke, as all her numerous female friends call her that), my older sister, Sisi Lara and my younger sister by 10 months (we were both born in 1987), Sisi Bisodun ( she is a December 25 baby hence the ‘Bisodun‘ which translates thus-born into festivity. I have no brother so my dad is the only male figure in the family. I should also add that there is a strong influence of my mom’s sisters in our lives. They are all very close and very involved in each other’s family. When we were younger and offended my mom, one of the 6 sisters was sure to come by to give us a good telling off. It’s like we have 6 mothers really. Anyways, back to Charlie’s Angels.

‘It went so well. His parents are so cool. I had a great time. I found out he has an older sister who’s not well’, I said of the meeting at Niran’s.

‘Eh yah, what’s wrong with her?’ Bisodun asked.

‘Erm, she’s ill’, I mumbled. How does one say it? I thought to myself.

‘What kind of illness?’ Impatient Lara quipped.

‘She’s insane. She went mad during her Bar Finals 11 years ago’, I blurted. To hell with the political correctness.

‘Oh my God’, ‘What?’, ‘Damn!’, the three of them said at the same time. We all bemoaned the poor girl’s fate for a while and then changed the topic.

At about 1:30am, my dad and mom strolled into my room, interrupting my Dexter.

My dad was fumbling with his fingers. My mom on the other hand, sat down on my bed and began,

‘My dear, your dad and I have discussed things long and hard and there’s no way we are going to sit back and watch insects crawl into our eyes. You are a young girl and you have your whole life ahead of you. You can’t marry into a family where madness runs. It is hereditary and I won’t have a mad man for a son-in-law nor have mad grandkids. You need to break it off with him and fast too.’ My mom was emotionless. She spoke as if she was a newscaster speaking about some remote girl’s fate and not like she had just shattered my very being.

I sat there mute, looking at my dad as if he should help me and save me from my mom’s unreasonableness. ‘Dad’, I began.

My dad cut me off saying, ‘the earlier you break it off, the faster you will heal. We spoke with Aunty Biola whose husband is a psychiatrist at John Hopkins as you know. He told us unequivocally that madness induced by studying is hereditary meaning your offspring is susceptible to it and in fact, also Niran. I’m sure if we dig deep, we’ll find out about other members of the extended family who also have the problem. I’m sorry dear but I withdraw my blessings on your relationship’.

I was devastated as I watched my dad speak. My mom is known to make decrees and still change her mind. But my dad is soft and so hardly speaks BUT when he does, we all know no Jupiter can make him change his mind.

***

I confided in Lara about it. She’s a non-conformist and I chose her because I knew she would support me. She did but gave me reasons that I myself could not rationalise, insisting that if the worst comes to worst, I should go get myself married at the Ikoyi Registry and tell my parents I’m married. She also blamed me for telling them accusing me of always telling my parents everything and never learning from my past experiences of how badly they handle sensitive information.

I eventually spoke with Bisodun. Bisodun has always been the family oracle, very intelligent and also extremely rational and pragmatic. She is also a lover of God so I knew I would hear the truth from her, even if painful. Here were her words,

‘Sis, this is indeed a toughie. Whilst I believe in the power of prayers regarding these issues of hereditary diseases, the truth is our parents’ faith is not on that level. And you must get parental consent. You absolutely must. I don’t support you going ahead not because of the disease of the mind of his sister but because of dad and mom’s resolve. Hold it off for now and begin to pray hard. I’ll join you and we can even start fasting from tomorrow. Now Sis, our prayer is not for mom and dad to change their minds, no. Instead, it is for God’s will to prevail.

I love Niran and you together and when I place him besides the losers you have been with, I am personally pained at the thought of you guys not being together. However, sometimes, the devil brings a counterfeit of God’s plan for our lives. It looks so good, so perfect, so right but it is not from God and his blessing is not upon it. And consequently, one trouble or the other will keep rearing its head. I will never tell you that being with God’s choice will mean there would not be challenges, NEVER. There still will be but guess what, ‘Ishe Oluwa kole baje-God’s work cannot be hindered. So if it indeed is God’s plan for you, we need to call on God and tell Him, Oh God, you gave me this and the world wants to destroy your gift and take it from me. Arise and show up in my favour. Let your perfect will prevail in this matter. He will definitely show up and defend his handiwork.

You need to quit this starvation you’ve put yourself on and all this weeping. You need to encourage yourself in the Lord and I know God will definitely answer our cry like he answered that of David when the Amelikites invaded Ziklag and took all in 1 Samuel 30. BUT remember, David first of all inquired of the Lord whether or not he would recover his possessions. It was not until God told David that he will surely recover all that he pursued and then overtook. So hun, this is our period of inquiring. Let’s first of all seek God’s will, the rest will follow. The heart of the king is in the hands of the Lord and like a river of water, He can turn it as he so wishes. So babes, forget mom and dad for now, they are not the real matter at issue. When God says yes, they dare not say no so let us hear God say his yes first.

***

As great as Bisodun’s words were, I’m still torn. There’s no way God can say no to a love so true. Why give me someone that brings me so much joy only to snatch him away? Why should I leave Niran because of fear, not even mine, my unbelieving parents’? He is not mad and can never be mad and I know I can not have a mad child.

I still speak with Niran and we still hang out. I have found reasons to give him for him not coming to mine anymore and for dropping me off at the Estate Gate when he does come. How can I tell him my family rejects him because of something that brings his family pain? How?

According to Bisodun, I’m to tell Niran I want to seek God’s face for something for a while and during that period, I’m not to communicate with him. She says I need a severance from him in order to hear God speak clearly. That is easy to say and I know myself, it is just impossible to pull it off. Plus, our relationship has never been that way. We discuss all our problems and pray for each other so this ‘problem’ I have that requires solitary confinement would definitely have him raising an eye brow.

So many questions running through my head: my parents are not such strong believers. Is it not praying parents you obey implicitly? Is his sister’s illness really hereditary? Why did I open my big mouth to tell my mom? Why did I not make my parents find out after the wedding? Should I go crazy and get married without their approval? Should I open up to Niran about my predicament? Would that not make him judge my family? Should I go ahead and have a clean break from him whilst I pray?

What do I do?!

***

Let’s muse guys!

Temiville.xoxo

Who built your house?

25 Comments

1 Unless the LORD builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;

 Psalm 127: 1a

What is a house? A house is a place of rest. It is an abode. A place where we unwind, where we are at our freest. It is also a prized possession, something we are proud of. Something we contributed towards. The Bible says to us that unless God is in on the erection of a building, all those working on it are, simply put, wasting their time. I was thinking about this passage and I really thought and thought, I mean I was staring at it for like 15 minutes straight!

What does this simple verse REALLY mean? I came up with the following:

The Lord is our all in all. It is through Him that we live, move and have our being. We need Him to survive. We need Him to live a lasting life. We need Him to live a worthy life.

The fact that the Psalmist’s labourers labour in vain does not necessarily mean that the building will not spring forth. It may or it may not. This means sometimes when you use the arm of flesh to conduct your activities, it might not initially look like it is being done in vain. In fact, it may seem as though you are smarter than all others. It may look like the bouquet catchers are carrying last whilst the throwers are the sharp girls. But of what use is a building that collapses within 3 years of its completion? Isn’t that the same thing as building in vain?

This must have been why David in Psalm 73 encourages us not to envy evil doers who appear to be flourishing. He knew too well that this type of progress is never long lasting.

He says:

“For I was envious at the foolish, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. For there are no bands in their death: but their strength is firm. They are not in trouble as other men; neither are they plagued like other men… Until I went into the sanctuary of God; then understood I their end. Surely thou didst set them in slippery places: thou castedst them down into destruction. How are they brought into desolation, as in a moment! They are utterly consumed with terrors.”

I’d rather have God help me build my beautiful building over time than rush to build my Tower of Babel that will eventually come crashing down before or even as I am enjoying it.

‘Building’ could be anything: it could be your education, your career, your business, your relationship, your marriage, bringing up your children, anything at all. It is essential to let go and let God take absolute charge. He knows the way through the wilderness and all we have to do is trust and obey Him.

***

Now what happens when you have built so far without God’s hand in the venture? Do you break it all down and start all over again? Do you ask God to please take over from where you stopped? For instance, you have picked a course for your Masters and it is beginning to look like that was not the right thing for you to have chosen and 1st semester is about to end. Do you withdraw and pray and reapply or ask God for wisdom to do well even in that ‘wrong’ course? What if you married the man you picked out for yourself without involving God, will you divorce Him? Ok, maybe that’s too extreme, let’s try this: what if you’re dating a girl who’s not a bad person but the truth is that you never really sought God’s face before starting the relationship. Do you break up and then ask God for His opinion or do you submit your relationship to Him to help you sort out if it is His will or end it peacefully if not?

The Bible says ‘if the foundation be destroyed, what can the righteous do?’ A lot of Christians I meet seem to think the answer to this is ‘nothing’. In their view, once you erect a building on a faulty foundation, you have to break it down and do it right. I beg to differ (LOL! I hate that phrase by the way). If the foundation be destroyed, the righteous man can seek God’s face and God’s help and assistance. If it really is something He does not want for you, then He will gently break it down and help you get to a better solution without you losing your senses out of pain in the process. Other times, He can make the best out of our foibles. He is God after all. GOD, GREAT GOD!

I learnt this listening to Pastor Poju Oyemade: you can go to God and get your proper title deed and start afresh with Him without losing it all. You don’t always have to divorce, breakup, withdraw from University, quit your job for Him to make it right. That is as far as man’s understanding goes but we serve a mighty God who can help our infirmities and our weaknesses.

Now, please get me not wrong! Sometimes, arguably most times, you might have to submit that thing to Him and have Him do with it as He deems fit. Sometimes, you might have to sacrifice your Isaac and watch Him deliver him back to you with more or you could be a David who might unfortunately lose his son in order to start afresh with his Bathsheba to bring forth his Solomon. Or in another case, you might have committed a wrong deed that will go on to affect generations to come like the birth Ishmael did. God cannot be put in a box. He is sovereign like that. There is no fixed approach. Each case is dealt with on its merits. It’s all ad hoc.

One thing I would emphasise is this: the devil seeks to make you feel worthless and makes you believe that there’s no point going back to God for direction after initially taking a wrong turn. Please, let’s not fall for his foils and gimmicks because God’s arms are always wide open to accept us back if only we acknowledge our blunder and genuinely repent from our obstinacy.

You might have said ‘I do’ to the man who looked good on paper but wasn’t God’s best for you. It doesn’t mean your marriage will crash, no! You might have God’s permissive and not perfect will but He can work it out for you, still.

Now to the second bit:
Unless the LORD guards the city,
The watchman stays awake in vain.

Psalm 127:1b

This is the simpler one of the two, in my opinion. All you have to do is let God know you now know that you have no power of your own. It’s not enough to turn to over protecting and caging your kids because you want them to turn out perfect. Policing them will not necessarily yield the perfect fruits. Ask today’s parents of young adults. Ask women who have acquired degrees in FBI/CIA/SSS work with regards to guarding their men, it will not fetch much. Bodily exercise, He says, profiteth little. Not ‘nothing’ but ‘little’. Ask people who slave away at work day in day out but hardly get promoted. Ask Pastors who do all the media coverage necessary but still record more empty than occupied seats every Sunday. ‘It’s not by power, it’s not by might but by my Spirit, says the LORD’. Trust in the Lord with your core, with your being, with your strength and watch Him work things out for you so that He alone can take all the glory.

2 It is vain for you to rise up early,
To sit up late,
To eat the bread of sorrows;
For so He gives His beloved sleep.

Psalm 127:2

God gives His beloved sleep. Who are His beloved? These are the sheep who hear His voice and recognize it AND obey Him. They have learned that stalking their partners would do no good. They have learned that worrying will yield no fruits. They have learned the art of implicit trust in God. Yes, it is an art that is honed over time. These type of people sleep undisturbed.

What does sleep mean. It could be literal or figurative. When you sleep, you relax, you are at rest, your laughter is genuine, you snore, lol. You don’t sleep with one eye open. You don’t check up on your partner’s every move. You don’t worry about your job and career progression. Those who God gives ‘sleep’ live a life filled with peace. They don’t fret over what life hurls at them because they know they have a Father, an Almighty Father who is King of kings and Lord of lords!

***

So what shall we say to these things? Am I advocating a lazy, chilled, laid back lifestyle, one that believes if God wants me to have it, He will bring it to my doorstep? Not really. Instead, I encourage you and myself even more, to pray more, fast more, read the Word more for in so doing, we get direction for everyday life. We live lives that make people wonder, ‘is it only him/her?’. I’m not promising a problem-free life when you walk in the light of His word, no. Instead, I’m promising a life of triumph and victory no matter what may come our way. When people ask you ‘Who built your house?’ Let God Himself in His small still voice respond, ‘I AM THAT I AM built it’.

God bless you guys.

I think I’ve lost weight!!! *dancing to La Bamba* Encourage me and say you see the changes too, lol!!!

Temiville.xoxo

A muser prays…for her future

37 Comments

  

As I love, please let it be with someone who loves me back

I love You Lord so let it be with someone who loves You too

I love hard, Lord, let him love harder

***

I don’t ‘look at men’, Lord let his eyes be fixed on me only

Let the wayward girl who only finds taken men attractive be repulsive to him

Let the friends he has who want to lead him astray either change or be gone!

***

Let his mom love me as her own

Let his father take me as his seed

Let his brothers admire me as a jewel

Let his sisters not feel threatened

Let them believe they have gained a sibling and not a competitor

***

I blind the eyes of every husband snatcher

Lord if they remain obstinate, let evil befall them

No matter how hard they try, they will not succeed

Lord let his love for you ensure that he never cheats on me

Let his love for you be sufficient to ward against infidelity

Lord, I will never cheat neither will I stray

My love will be enough for him

His love will be enough for me

***

We will be fruitful in child bearing

We will be fruitful in child rearing

Our children will be taught of the Lord and great shall be their peace

Our son(s) shall be God loving, God fearing, responsible, stunning

Our daughter(s) shall be the same

They will not bring us shame

They will not bring You shame

***

Father, I come against pot belliedness

I declare that he will remain fit and trim

Father, I come against being anything more that a size 10

I will only balloon to a size 12 in pregnancy

After two months may I promptly lose the extra weight

***

Dear Lord, I come against sickness and disease

You have taken our sickness upon You

Therefore the devil has no right to place infirmity on us

Our children shall be healthy

We shall be healthy

None of the sicknesses of the Egyptians shall come upon us

And we shall neither cast our young nor die young

Instead, we shall live to ripe old ages and fulfil our days

***

Heavenly Father, we shall not lack

We shall lend to the nations

We shall be givers, paying our tithes and giving to others

***

God you know I have other prayers to say but I shall stop here (for now)

Please answer even my unsaid prayers as you know my requests

For in Jesus’ name I pray!

Temiville.xoxo

A muser prays…for her nation

15 Comments

Lord I love my country

But when I look around, I am hurt

You said in Your word that I should make my request known

So here goes…

If my people, who are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

Lord have mercy on us

Forgive our iniquity as a nation

In wrath, remember mercy oh Lord

Let mercy triumph over judgment

***

Lord uproot every selfish leader in Nigeria

From the President to the Local Government Chairmen

Anyone whose aim for coming into office is on self aggrandizement shall be unseated

Put in their stead, men and women who fear You and will do Your bidding

Father, the local government elections are taking place on Saturday

Let only Your candidates win

***

Righteousness exalts a nation

Sin is a reproach to any people

Lord let righteousness reign in this country

I know this starts from individuals so I begin with myself:

Let me begin to see sin the way You see it

Let me stop thinking I can do that wrong deed and seek forgiveness later for ‘God understands’

Let the fear of God, the love for and of God be firmly placed in my heart

Let me put others before me

***

Father to every past leader that has siphoned public funds,

Let them know no peace unless they restitute

Help us to use our wealth for our own good as a nation

And not use it to harm ourselves

***

I come against terrorist activities in this country

It shall not prevail

Terrorism is not just from Boko Haram

It includes selfish leaders who terrorise the people

Lord save us from their hands

Let genuine love reign

***

Lord touch the hearts of the human principalities and powers behind NEPA (PHCN)

Let them release this country from darkness

All those diesel importers/sellers who have vested interest and are consciously ensuring the darkness of this nation shall be put to shame

Let there be light in Nigeria!

***

Lord, the traffic in Lagos will make a grown man weep

Father have mercy

Free the roads and let there be orderliness

Let people stay in their lanes and stop being so impatient

Lord eradicate okadas and provide other honest great jobs for them

***

Let Nigeria regain her lost glory and let that green passport start being a  thing of pride

For in Jesus’ name I pray!

Temiville.xoxo

All sortsa people…

15 Comments

In 7 months, I have been through a lot. I have experienced treatment you only read about in novels or watch on TV. Maybe Super Story or something. I have been spoken to harshly, I have been ridiculed. Attempts have been made to destroy my self-confidence and to make me whimper like a lost child. Oh I wish this were an anonymous blog so I can pour out my heart…totally. But I will try my best. I’m not shy or afraid of saying things as they are. But even in my resolute belief that I should speak my mind, wisdom prevails.

People are mean. It has taken almost 30 years for me to come to this conclusion but I do not know why I refused to believe the Bible when it said, ‘The heart of man is desperately wicked, who can know it?’. There’s just something within me that thought that hope existed, people are inherently good, the world is a beautiful place. No, it is not. No, people are NOT inherently good. They are selfish, wayward, unfriendly (unless you have something they need). I have seen horrible people become super sweet because a rich and famous person was before them. The world is really something else, I tell you.

So what does one do? Do you follow the principle whereby you join those you cannot beat? Do you keep being nice to people who are out to use and abuse you? How does one survive in this world? It gets so confusing. You want to assert yourself, but that could be arrogance, stubbornness and pride. You decide to keep mute, but isn’t that folly and stupidity? Didn’t Jesus fight those that were taken His Father’s house for granted?

I guess in reality it wise to take an ad hoc approach to life. Not everyone is mean, not everyone is out to use you. I guess we need God to help us make the distinction and separate people from people. Dealing with people requires a whole lot of wisdom. I have turned to all sorts to be able to analyze and understand people better- from psychology, to temperament assessment, to birth sign, to the Bible. They just keep on bringing something new each day that cannot be found in the books. So what does one do?

I do not profess to be perfect either but it does get tiring dealing with humans.

On the bright side (there’s ALWAYS a bright side), I have met some amazing people in this world. People who would give you their last dime, people who would help you at your lowest, people who don’t wait to be asked but offer, people who make you happy with their never ending jokes and tales, people  who build up your faith in God and help you become/strive towards being a better person. People who show you the meaning of love-the God kind of love, those who come as close to this as humanly possible:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

New King James Version (NKJV)

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I have met all sortsa people since returning home.

PS: I was away this weekend. I went overseas. I went abroad. I went to a foreign land. Okay okay, it was just Ghana but still! It was amazing!!!

Ghana is ahead of us in so many ways I cannot describe. Is it the niceness of people who expect nothing in return? Is it the clean roads? Is it the hospitality that has you thinking, ‘what does this person want from me?’ Is it the fact that generators are back ups there where as in Nigeria, electricity from PHCN is the backup whilst we depend on our gens? Is it the fact that Ghanaians are so plain and honest?

FYI: There’s Barclays in Ghana, as in really??? I was stunned! There’s Holiday Inn, Intercontinental Hotel, Glo, MTN, Airtel, Zenith…Almost everything we have in Nigeria is there. I guess the economy is stable and also the lack of power outage attracts investors as well. Internet speed is comparable to that in the UK (no jokes-at least where I stayed). There are loads of expatriates in Ghana. The houses are beautiful! And these beautiful houses are not just clustered in one particular area like VGC, Lekki, GRA, Ikoyi, Asokoro as is the case with Nigeria. They are everywhere. There is  therefore less apparent inequality.

I really had a great time! It was my friend’s wedding (we met in Grad school). I had promised her that I would attend and I did. Thank God. The wedding was beautiful and I wish them the very best as they start this journey together. I actually felt a tinge of sadness as I left for Murtala. I can see myself living in Ghana mehn…anytime!

That’s all folks

Temiville.xoxo

MONDAY: Learning to be Heaven-focussed

10 Comments

Hope you had a fab weekend people! Mine was good.

I spent 45% of my time studying. I don’t have any professional tests or examination to write but I just felt the need to familiarise myself with the financial world and so I got to reading.  As most of you know, I have a diverse background. Back in Secondary School, I was a science student with the hope of becoming a Neuro Surgeon. After much consideration, I decided Medicine was forced on me and not really my dream career so I studied Law and then I went on to my Postgrad in something else. This means I can pick up Ababio and get his drift. PN Okeke is not altogether alien either and I can easily analyse Julius Caesar. I love Law and politics is my thing. But now working in the Financial Services industry has brought the next challenge my way and I cannot carry last, no sireee! It has not been easy breezy but God has been my guide.

Nothing is impossible with God *straight face*

 

Very early on Saturday morning, I went to Ikoyi to join a jogging group. Good Lawd! My muscles have still not forgiven me. We jogged from Bourdillon and up Falomo Bridge into VI and then back. It was shame that kept me going. That was my fuel. If not, I would have called a cab to go back into Ikoyi. It’s really a nice feeling you get after a proper work out. You cannot endure miles of jogging and then eat stupidly. I’d like to say I’m jogging to be fit but that would be a big fat lie! I’m jogging and depriving myself of Coke to lose weight…just because.

Sunday service was interesting. Pastor Moses spoke about ‘Opening the Gate’ and that topic honestly deserves a blog post of its own. One thing that kept ringing in my head is how the focus on making heaven seems to be growing dimmer and dimmer. Don’t get me wrong. There is still that constant zeal to do good and live righteously but when I pondered on it, I realized that my goal was majorly because of the benefits to be derived HERE on earth. I think about staying righteous so that good things don’t elude me. I’m polite and courteous so that I receive it back- no one likes insult. Most of my motivations for doing the right things were due to what can be gained in this life through God’s grace. Though this in itself is not a bad thing, a higher level of thinking would be to stay focused on heaven and life after this. I pray God will help us to live a life that takes into constant consideration that LIFE IS JUST A PASSING PHASE.

Have a lovely week ahead and God bless you!

Temiville.xoxo

Older Entries