Planned Romance…

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Hi people! Howdy! Thanks for your comments and email. I hope I was able to address concerns appropriately. My knowledge is limited so I ask that we all commit all our struggles to God as He knows exactly what we should do.

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Today’s topic is something I never really gave any thought to as a single person. I had always assumed that when two people meet and fall in love and get married, they will keep souring on Cupid’s wings, lovingly gazing into each other’s eyes night and day. This is all true until you get married and realize, WHOA- not so at all. Now get me not wrong, you will remain loving each other (hopefully!!!) but that being “in love” bit requires some effort because all the forces are working against you! Let me paint a picture of a typical Lagos working couple:

Adanna, 27, works in an advertising firm in Ikoyi and her husband, Jide, works in an investment bank in VI. They live in an estate after VGC but because Adanna resumes at 9:30 and Jide, at 7:30, they each drive to work separately every day. They have a one year old daughter, Ezinne. Ezinne has not started any form of formal education so they leave Ezinne with her 40 year old live-in nanny, Mama Ope, during the day. The typical arrival time from work for Adanna is 9:30pm. The official closing time is 6pm but no one really leaves the office till about 7:30-8:30pm because her firm is very busy and she has a lot of work to do. Jide’s hours are slightly worse and he gets home at about 10pm on easy days.

They both arrive home tired, stressed yet feeling guilty that Mama Ope is the one raising Ezinne so they spend about an hour to two hours playing with her if only to remind her: we are your parents!!!
Adanna gets into the kitchen each night after returning from work to get stuff done and prepared for the next day. But because she has read Myles Munroe’s books on keeping the marriage bed sizzling, she drags her tired body to the bathroom to take a shower and throw on any form of lingerie she can find. By the time she’s done with her self-preparation, Jide is happily snoring away with Ezinne on his chest (also sleeping). She’s half happy that she gets to sleep and half sad that tonight makes it the 15th night of no sex. “Oh well, we shall try again tomorrow”, she thinks to herself for the third time this week as she gently carries Ezinne to her crib, gets into bed and switches of the light by her side.

romance-champagne

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I have found out one thing-anything that will survive AND thrive requires hardwork and determination. But before proceeding to work hard, you need to have a very clear picture of what you want and this is applicable to the whole spectrum of life and not just marriage. You need to know how you envision your life. You can even proceed to write it down so that it can easilty be referred to. You need to make a very CONSCIOUS and DELIBERATE effort . You must not go with the flow because the current is very likely to take you in the direction of all the forces. These forces include like Adanna and Jide- busy schedules, distance from work, conflicting work hours, children (in as much as we love them, they are romance killers!!!). All those forces are important in building a well-rounded life: you need to work or you might go hungry. You want and love your children and wouldn’t trade them for the world. So it is up to us as a couple to ensure that we keep the fire burning by fanning the flame, sprinkling some kerosene and for some people, lighting the burnt out fire.

Adanna knows better than to blame her husband for their lack of romance. She definitely won’t be pointing accusing fingers at her little Ezinne either. She has no one at all to blame, not even herself but she needs to make her mind up that her marriage must thrive and sizzle and this should be done consciously.
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I have once spoken to a person who schedules sex and other romantic meetings! It sounded crazy to me as I was not yet married, now I see her point. She literally marks the dates on their calendar and they both try to adhere to it like any other appointment they have to keep. I thought then to myself: how unspontaneous and unromantic and mechanical and clinical but according to her  “half bread is better than none” and “planned sex is better than no sex”!!!

Another person told me of The List. She writes down what she wants to achieve and works towards it. If it means closing slightly earlier than normal once a week to be able to have dinner out with her husband or to make an elaborate dinner at home or to settle the kids in bed early, she does what she has to do. She has learned that these things do not just happen. She buys lingerie every two weeks and plans the romance. Romance, for her, is 10% natural and 90% planned. No time!

Boyfriend and Girlfriend stolen kisses and excited love doesn’t always come with you into marriage and usually, by the latter half of the first year of marriage, the butterflies would have settled. However, you have the power to rouse them when you put your mind to it. Romance must not die!!!!

So how do you guys do it, for the married ones and how do you plan to do if you are single? Some men have easy lifestyles or are so big on romance that no matter what and no matter how busy they are, they plan romantic events every week or every other week. I have heard that the typical man forgets all about romance once you get married! So what are your thoughts? Do you believe in planning romance or do you believe in going with the flow? If you are a planner, what plans do you make?

Let’s muse!!!

Temiville.xoxo

#SayNoToRape!

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Hi guys,

I was going to add this to my previous post as a ‘before I leave’ however, upon reflection I have decided that this is deserving of its very own post.

I left the office yesterday at about 8:15pm and tuned in to the Table of Men on 96.9 Cool FM. The topics were ‘what are the flimsiest excuses you have heard for people to avoid going to work?” and “What are the excuses you have been given or have given to get out of being bugged by a suitor for sex or a relationship?”

At about 8:40pm, a male caller said that he once met this girl, bought her drinks and thereafter expected to be receive remuneration/repayment i.e. sex. The girl then tried to avoid that by saying she was on her period. But ‘I didn’t care o, I forced her. I just forced her’.

Right there on radio, a man admitted to rape and no one thought it fit to escalate it (Freeze expressed some shock). It is like saying someone admits to murder. Would we just laugh it off and keep on moving like nothing happened?

I have tweeted at @CoolFMnigeria to dig out the rapist’s number and hand it over to the authorities. We really should learn to strongly condemn such actions! Those co-hosts of Freeze (all men) laughed it off. This is serious and should be treated as such. CoolFM should not assist a rapist in going free. He should be named and shamed if not prosecuted and convicted!

I am very disappointed in our society and hope that CoolFM will do the right thing!

Have a good day and always #SayNoToRape!

Please help me retweet. Cool FM has ignored my messages and has carried tweeting about other things like Rape means nothing.

My handle is @temiville.

Temiville.xoxo

What’s all the fuss about submission in marriage?!

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Hey people!

Good morning. Current situation: It is 6:07 am and I am typing away as I sit on my bed. O is re-ironing his shirt in the laundry room because it just never stays well-ironed. I have packed lunch and I am dangerously at risk of not leaving the house before 6:20! But I just have to let this one out…

I am an interesting person (if I may say so myself). As ‘modern’ as I may appear, I am a totally traditional person at heart. This means I expect(ed) to be wooed and to front for a while and then eventually to agree and for the man to be feeling so grateful to God, not believing his good fortune that he found such a good thang! This also means that I believe that my husband is the head of our home. Aside of being traditional, I have learned the paths God expects us to tow in life and I believe that it is for a woman to submit to her husband and for her husband to love her and for them both to submit to one another in love. The Bible says in Ephesians 5:22, Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.

A few people have asked me, “what exactly does it mean to submit to your husband?” “Temi, does that mean you let O walk all over you whilst you obediently coo at him waiting on him for the next set of instructions?” The answer is very radical and should encourage those that are single to ensure they marry the right man, the type they can genuinely submit to the way the Lord intends.
Let your husbad lead
Submission is defined as the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person. Another definition states that it is the ​act of ​allowing someone or something to have ​power over you. Submission means to accept a contrary view and go with something you do not necessarily agree with and not sulk in disappointment wishing the plans fail so you can say “I told you so”. Submission does not mean allowing your husband say his own and then use your woman power to conquer him into agreeing with you. It means going with his flow and praying and hoping to God that river is flowing in the right direction! This is earth shattering. It means if you are in the passenger seat and the man is driving and you see him heading in the wrong direction, you cannot wrestle the wheels from him! All you can do is remember that the heart of the king is the hands of the Lord and like a river of waters, He can turn withersoever He willeth. Because, girl, your man is your king. Have you seen how kings are treated? Have you ever seen anyone argue with a king openly. Have you seen a king slapped in public or ridiculed?

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What this means is that you have to be very careful who you marry. You have to be careful whose decision will prevail in your life. You have to be careful who will train toyr children. You have to be careful whose leading you will follow when opinions differ and yes, they will! You cannot afford to be driven into the bush so you must go with (a) a good driver; and (b) someone who knows the Way. You need a man who understands that submission is not a license to be abusive to you or to be inconsiderate.

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This is NOT what submission in marriage means!!!

It is more a responsibility than a privilege to be submitted to. It means God looks at you as a man to give account of how you have led your home. It’s like being a team leader. A team leader is to lead and be obeyed but when its time to give reports, it is the team leader who gets marked down for leading his team astray or praised for doing well. As young single ladies, you need to assess the man you are with: can I trust you? Are you being led by God or you are just going to be doing your own thing? Do you love God? Are you a good person? Will you teach our children good morals?

Submission is serious business people. It is especially humbling when you are clear in your mind that your views are superior yet you have to obey. I have read about Queens Vashti and Esther and learned how to treat a man. Whilst the Vashti context might be inapplicable in our times, the underlying principle remains incontrovertible. You have to submit to your husband. You have to learn how to approach your head/your king when you wish to convey your differing views. First of all, you need to begin by getting direction from God as you may actually not be right. Then, when you get confirmation from God, prayerfully approach him. Do not build your home on arguments and fights, it leads to destruction in your home. You lose with each argument you win.

I have done a survey of some marriages I think are happy and one thread is common- the woman has made up her mind to do God’s will without first waiting to check if her husband is loving her as God commanded. They put their men first. They hold them in high esteem. They celebrate them. They praise them. They leave absolutely no room for others to insult them. They shield their men. They honour their men and submit to them (at least in my eyes sha).

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You can’t be always sharp-mouthed, talking down at him, bickering in the presence of others and winning arguments with your high intellect and think your home will be happy. You have to decide which is more important to you as a woman and work hard towards it. Do you want to be the Boss in your home or your want to be a Queen to your King?

Please don’t get me wrong, I am certain there are some men out there who long for a woman that will challenge their every statement and fight to the last but from my research such men are very few. Even [ “modern men” who enjoy intellectual banter still love to be and to feel like the heads of their respective homes.

I thank God for His grace over my life and my marriage. I thank God because it is relatively easy to submit in my marriage. Though not always easy, God has been granting me the grace to submit because I am naturally a strong minded person with a very clear picture of how my life and all its inhabitants should be. I know what I want my home to look like. I know how I want my children raised. I know which schools I want them to attend. I know EXACTLY what I want. So naturally, I feel the pinch when O thinks the way to go is East and I am convinced it is West. I thank God however because I am not submitting to errors and wrong direction and that I have not married a destiny destroyer who would lead me astray. I thank God for my mothers (my biological mother and my mom in law) from whom I have learned the art and the act of submission.

I grew up seeing my mom pray on her knees in relation to a particular project she has a conviction on instead of fighting it out with my dad when he disagrees with her. I remember many times my mom and I would join hands and agree that my dad would change his mind on a particular request I made that he had said “no” to. I have also seen many unhappy marriages where the woman is the captain of the ship, where is her way or the highway or no sex for 3 months. Her words are yea and amen. Her instructions prevail even over her husband’s. Those marriages are never ever happy, They may seem so now but anything that attempts to upturn the instructions of God cannot possibly thrive, or can it?

So what am I saying? To be happy in your marriage and enjoy God’s idea of a fulfilling home, you have to submit to your man. However, it is easier, better and advisable to submit to a ‘beta person’ therefore, see to it that you marry a beta person.

I pray God will keep strengthening us and giving us His grace to do His bidding in our homes. So what if you are convinced you did not marry a beta person? What do you do? Hmm, this is not very easy to answer but I will leave you with this scripture and give you feedback on my views soon…

1 Peter 3:1

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives. While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 3Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.

Have a lovely Wednesday!

Temiville.xoxo

When we fast and pray, mountains move!

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Hello people,

Remember me? 🙂

How have you guys been. Trust you have been well. I have been excellent and my son, E, is doing very well. Thanks for all your kind words. Work has kept me away from me ooo. Direct all your complaints to my office lol. It is hard conveying the depths of my heart to you when I have clients to attend to. And juggling wifehood, motherhood has taken some getting used to. But today, I feel totally drawn to share a little something with you.

For the past year, I have struggled to fast. It started very gradually after I discovered I was pregnant. I was told and constantly reminded myself that pregnant people do not fast. The baby needs all the nutrients he can get and must thus not be deprived. So whilst I did not eat for two, I certainly ensured that that one person was well satisfied. And so, all through my 40 weeks/10 months of pregnancy, I did not ever really fast and even after, I was informed to eat well so that I may have enough milk with which to feed my baby. So for the past 8 months since having my son plus 10 months of pregnancy, I have not engaged in that spiritual exercise called fasting and I feel its absence in my life.

I used to enjoy the one day or 2 day a week fasting. Sometimes, only till 12 noon, some other times all the way till 6pm. A couple of times, I have gone the whole nine yards and done the biri biri aka dry fast, 3 days max. These experiences have been rewarding, refreshing, reinvigorating. I always come out feeling renewed. I have clarity in relation to a question or confusion or crossroads of life. I get my head cleared. I am happier and fulfilled and I know what exactly it is that I am doing.

During my fasts, I would pray frequently. Listen to my favourite speakers on the Word of God all day at work, listen to music, be in tune with all things that keep me focused on my goal: to know Him more.

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This post is thus to encourage someone like myself who has forgotten the importance, efficacy and sheer power of fasting and prayer. You might have had a genuine reason like I did not to fast but it is time to revive the fire and seek the face of God. Not every time fasting to have prayers answered or demons/strongmen/difficult problems solved like Jesus referred to in Matthew 17: 21 where he stated that, certain kinds of issues of life do not go out except by prayer and fasting. Sometimes, fasting to thank God and remind Him that you recognize the importance to give up the cravings of the flesh in order to build up your inner man. Fasting has so many many benefits and it is important to have your reason for fasting and praying written down clearly. That keeps you focused and you can know when the things have changed in your lives.

Fasting keeps you humble and malleable to the reconstruction of God and molding of your life in accordance with his desires. Fasting and prayer break yokes- yokes of addiction, yokes of ill-health, yokes of life generally. Fasting breaks the chains that hold us back..

So even as I observe my “lunch break” at work, I feel so compelled to speak to even one person today to get out your bible, and take out some days to fast and pray and watch God do wonders in your life.

Have a great week!

Temiville.xoxo