What to do with the ball?

Yesterday Ola got rude to me. Well, not quite rude but he gave me one of these his famous frank responses that hurt to the marrow. Truth be told, I can’t stand his straightforwardness. He comes off as rude a lot of the time but I’ll keep quiet. No use ruffling feathers and waking the sleeping Rottweiler and to be honest, that’s just one of many issues I have with him. Ola is my boyfriend.

Last week, Enitan got engaged. The man of her dreams finally proposed to her. To be honest, only Enitan was amazed at the news. We all saw it coming. Her boyfriend, Moses (wow Lara, you need to get used to calling him her fiancé) had been the serious type from Day 1. He’s the exact type that seems to elude me, the type who wants to settle down forsaking all others. Enitan is my sister.

Enitan is my only sister but in between us are two boys, Olumide and Olufemi. So you can understand the little tinge of pain I felt when baby Enitan called me screaming/crying/hyperventilating over the phone that her boyfriend of 16 months proposed. I was glad for her but sad for me. Moses was 28 when they met and she was 22. But he was your very mature type of 28 year old male; the type whose maturity extends to his dressing. I hardly saw him in jeans and when I did, they were smart looking jeans. His idea of casual dressing was Chinos and Polos.

Enitan had always been the luckier one with guys. Though there is a 4 year gap between us, I had to admit that she had a way with men, they just couldn’t get over her. Of the two of us, I’m the prettier and more academically inclined but she is more street wise and discerning. All through our growing years till date, it was never unusual to find me, the elder sister, calling up Enitan for advice. Even our dad found in her a buddy. She was the stronger one and whilst I was daddy’s pet, she was daddy’s paddy. She and dad would discuss issues on politics, football, F1 etc. for hours. They would argue, fight, and laugh into the night sipping on Brandy while mom and I retired to bed. We were the girly girls who were more concerned with watching the Kardashians on E! than CNN.

Enitan was very firm with Moses from Day 1, firm but loving and kind. I admired their relationship and it was very clear who the stronger person was in it. After their 16 months together, Moses could now hardly make a decision without dialing Enitan’s number to seek her opinion.

6 months into Enitan and Moses’ relationship, I met Ola. Ola was 29 and was self employed. He was running a catering business. I found this weird at first but that was before seeing the passion with which he handled the business. It was his mom’s business before she passed on 3 years ago and ever since he completed his MBA, he totally immersed himself in the company and has single handedly worked on its expansion. Now, they operate in three states-Lagos, Abuja and Calabar.

I saw Ola as the ideal husband for me and would do all in my powers to make him happy. I took it as my assignment to ensure I keep him happy. My mom has always been the perfect wife to dad and I dreamed of being able to do all that for my own husband someday. I cook, clean, wash and even learned how to make Calabar dishes for him (His dad is Yoruba but his mom, who he was closer to, was from Calabar). Despite my efforts to please him, he ended up cheating on me…

Beeba, my cousin and best friend, thinks what transpired is not cheating. She says guys are really bad out there and I should be grateful for the kind of man I have. Then I ran what happened by Enitan who told me in her ever straight shooter fashion that it didn’t get any worse than that.

I found out Ola was ‘talking to’ another girl. Well, she was actually the one doing the talking but he was not exactly fighting her off. She was one of those extra wealthy girls whose fathers have a hand in almost everything going on in Lagos State. She obviously felt she has something to offer and it was painful to see that he was falling into her trap. I told him I wasn’t comfortable about the frequency of their communication. She calls him almost every day and they would exchange BB messages endlessly. His response to my concern was that she was merely a business contact and he was looking into securing some contracts through her dad and that it was high time I started seeing her as a sales lead and nothing else.

I went through their chats in his presence. Yes, he told her point blank that he is in a relationship. Yes, he told her he was happy in it (the useless girl actually asked). But how happy can you possibly be in your relationship if you always respond to her messages? I saw some chats timed at 1:05 am and he responded by 1:07am! Even if you are awake, it’s only decent to reply in the morning. I think.

It didn’t stop at this. The real thing that got me mad was that she invited him to an event hosted by her father’s friend at his residence. It was painful enough that he went with her as her date but even worse that he lied to me about where he was that day. I just didn’t have peace all through that evening and the next day I drove to his house. I saw a BBM that read thus,

‘Thanks so much for being my ‘date’. You looked really dapper in that suit. I know I kept on telling you but I just have to say it again. Btw, everyone says we’ll make a cute couple. I think so too. Goodnight hun. ‘BBM kissing smiley’

His response made me go red (yes, I literally went red as I’m very light skinned).

‘Lol @ making a good match. You’re very pretty so that cuteness will majorly be contributed by you. I had a great time too. Thanks for inviting me. ‘BBM hug smiley’.

I immediately confronted him and told him that it’s either he deletes her and stopped further communication or it’s over. Ola looked into my eyes and told me that if I’m not mature enough to see the whole thing as mere networking then maybe I’m not mature enough to be in a relationship with him. He said to me that I’m very insecure and the very thing that made him like me was my confident gait,  carriage and demeanor and that I was beginning to lose that and he’s not sure what to say about that because a confident woman is very essential to him.

He told me that at my age I should know that if he was intending to cheat on me, he would do it easily and I would never find out. When I asked him why he felt it right to lie to me about his whereabouts the night before, he claimed that it was because he knew the kind of woman he was with-the type who would never understand and would be unreasonable and ask him not to honour the invitation. I asked him why he didn’t accept and then offer to bring along his girlfriend. He said it was ‘bad for business.’ Bad for business?!!!

***

Enitan has come to her conclusion-let him be. But I guess that’s what would work for her. I love him but would be happier if he were more loving and less mechanical and brash. He says he can’t let go of friendships because of me and now I am being forced to humble myself and accept it when he picks her calls and BBM her in my presence!

Is this not akin to him selling himself? Is this not like some degree of prostitution where you lead someone on with the hope that you gain something from them because they think you are a potential? Is this not wrong? I’m really unhappy about this but I don’t know if it is enough to let go of him for. He says he still loves me and that the ball is in my court.

What do I do with this ball?

It’s over now…

My ex and I had been having off and on moments but generally, we were a happy couple. The thing is this: I am a strong willed girl. I am not easily influenced and I can be very forthright, dishing out my opinions whether or not you ask for them. Some love me some hate me. People are hardly ever indifferent to me. I have a presence everywhere I go-a strong one. For a girl, I guess it means that I need God’s special grace to be submissive, have a meek and gentle spirit and the whole Proverbs 31 works. I take after my dad. We are close but when we argue, even my mother excuses us.

I met Yimika through my friend and I was especially drawn to his calm and reserved nature. I also liked the fact that most of the time, I had my way with him. He might put up a show of disapproval but in the end, it was always done how I wanted it done. We had arguments-many of them and I always ‘won’. Yimika was so gentle to the point of apologising when I was wrong.

We had one of our famous fights but he offended me this time. I took it really personal and said some hurtful things to him which I knew were uncalled for but I guess the Leo in me never permitted me to back down and apologise. You know one of those situations where you believe you guys are tight enough to receive stingers from each other…yea, that’s what I thought. So I dropped the phone on him and hoped he would come round and beg me. He always did. You see, Yimika was like that. He’s Pisces. Pisces are like that. They want peace and would sacrifice their pride and ego on the altar of love and romance. It had always been like that for the 8 months of my relationship with Yimika.

 Anyways, one week of not speaking went into 2 and 2 weeks easily became a month. It was already July and Yimika and I had not spoken in a month. Eventually, I realized I was hurting no one but myself so I went to his house to see him and talk things over. I noticed changes right from the gate. The mai-guard who will usually greet me in a cheerful and bubbly manner was a bit formal. My friends think I exaggerate when I told them this but I could have sworn that Limo, the dog barked angrily at me too.

To cut the tale short:

–          It is over between us-he says he cannot be with someone who constantly brings him down. Now, I had absolutely NO idea I do this. I’m just a very assertive person. And he can be really chilled a lot of the time. So I assumed that what made him like me is because we are different. I thought he was loving the fact that I take charge.

–          He is still single but has decided that there is no need for us to see any longer at least not until we are both totally over each other.

Thinking back, I do realize I might have taken him for granted once or twice but he NEVER complained. How was I to know it was all building up? Now he lists out all my faults and I wonder: why are we in a relationship if you can’t steer me on the right path? Why must you wait till you can take no more and then you explode?

I’m not really trying to win him back because to be honest, I’m a firm believer in the principle: what is yours is yours. But I really would like to pass across two lessons:

-When you’re unhappy in a relationship, tell your partner. Please don’t chill and then break up because you are ‘fed up’ when the other party had no idea something was wrong in the first place.

-Never ever take quiet people for granted. They are DANGEROUS. You might think you can easily walk all over them but the truth is this: they record every step you take over them and they are storing it safely in a box, once it is full, no amount of pleading can take things back to the way they once were. All I had to do was look into Yimika’s eyes to know it was over. Hopeless. He was done.

Anyways just thought to dish out my own nugget of wisdom and hope someone learns without having to experience it firsthand.

***

Let’s call the writer *Busola*. What do you guys think of Busola’s situation? Should every loud, assertive, no nonsense girl aim to be calm and gentle or did God create us all differently for variety sake? Are you a quiet person or do you know any quiet person? How do you relate with them in peace without being too boring or cautious?

Random Info: I am Pisces but I really would not consider myself ‘dangerous’ or unforgiving. The younger me used to find it difficult to let people know I was offended and I did have the tendency to sacrifice myself for peace sake. But now, I’m more refined and mature in my approach. I am still sensitive but I’ve learned to speak out rather than expect people to read my mind.