I simply can’t believe August is practically here! Thank God o. Thank God for protection, provision, health, life. Thank God!
There is nothing like the presence of God to give us peace and hope. That is what makes us carry on even when all around seems pretty bleak-hope. When life throws all manners of challenges at us, only God can help us. We have not been promised a rosey life so without doubt, some things might happen that will not please us. But God has said that we are more than conquerors. He has told us to fear not for He has overcome the world and the challenges therein. I encourage us all to DWELL in God’s presence no matter the challenges we face.
When I think that we are already going into August, I’m amazed. It is very possible that you had a long ‘To do List’ for 2011 which looks like it is not happening, but I want you to know that nothing is too difficult for God. It only becomes difficult when we lose hope and give up on God and His promises to us.
It might be in the area of your health or a family member’s, it might concern getting a job after NYSC, it might be in terms of having a stronger relationship with God, getting married to the right person, finances, weight loss, breaking addictions etc. No matter what the issue is, God pass them!
Let us not lose hope or be discouraged. Remember that all things are working together for your good. Only carry on doing His will and you will see how things will turn out…eventually.
These songs and lyrics encourage me and I thought to share.
He is able more than able
To accomplish what concerns me today.
He is able more than able
To handle anything that comes my way.
He is able more than able
To do much more than I could ever dream
He is able more than able
To make me what he wants me to be.
Exceedingly Abundantly Above all All you can ask from him According to the power That worketh in you
God is able to do just what He said He would do He’s gonna fullfill every promise to you Don’t give up on God cause He won’t give up on you He’s able
Remember my post from back in the day? Well let me refresh your memories: Here is the post. I found something similar and thought to share with y’all.
This is a true life letter from Carolyn Bourne of Devon, England to her daughter-in-law to be. Her stepson, Freddie, plans to marry Heidi Withers in October, and this spring Mr. Bourne brought his fiancée to his family’s home for a weekend. Clearly, things did not go as expected.
After the weekend at theirs, Mrs. Bourne wrote Ms. Withers not so exciting e-mail, and Ms. Withers, shellshocked as you can understand decided to have it forwarded it to her friends. The letter went viral.
Here’s what Mrs. Bourne had to say to her future stepdaughter-in-law:
“It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.
Unfortunately for Freddie, he has fallen in love with you and Freddie being Freddie, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you.
It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so.
Your behaviour on your visit to Devon during April was staggering in its uncouthness and lack of grace.
Unfortunately, this was not the first example of bad manners I have experienced from you.
If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste.
A few examples of “your lack of manners”:
When you are a guest in another’s house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat – unless you are positively allergic to something.
You do not remark that you do not have enough food.
You do not start before everyone else.
You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.
When a guest in another’s house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early – you fall in line with house norms.
You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.
I have no idea whether you wrote to thank [your future sister-in-law] for the weekend but you should have hand-written a card to her.
You should have hand-written a card to me. You have never written to thank me when you have stayed at Houndspool.
[Your future sister-in-law] has quite the most exquisite manners of anyone I have ever come across. You would do well to follow her example.
You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why.
In conclusion,
It is tragic that you have diabetes. However, you aren’t the only young person in the world who is a diabetic.
I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition. She quietly gets on with it. She doesn’t like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar.
As a diabetic of long standing you must be acutely aware of the need to prepare yourself for extraordinary eventualities, the walk to Mothecombe beach being an example. You are experienced enough to have prepared yourself appropriately.
No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.
I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters’ marriages.)
If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.
One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.”
How was your weekend. To say I had a good weekend would be downplaying things. I had a great weekend! I went for a wedding on Saturday and all I can is ‘awwww’. I haven’t seen a more beautiful bride in a long time and neither have I heard such a touching love story in ages. I pray that God blesses their marriage in every area. This is their wedding website.
Regarding my last post, I have been reading through all the comments on Molade’s situation and it seems as though most people believe the relationship is dead and gone and she needs to come to terms with this. Here is my line of thought on the issue. I hope it helps not just Molade but anyone else going through similar situations.
Hello Molade,
….
From your email, I can safely assume that it is one of two things happening. Either Timothy has ‘seen you finish’ or he is fed up and wants out. I will now proceed to explain how exactly I mean.
1. He has ‘seen you finish’
In this category, there is a thread of hope you can cling to. It is not a great place to be but at least, all hope is not completely lost. You caused it so only can redeem yourself out of it. ‘How did I cause it?’, I hear you ask. Well, you caused it by being ‘over-there’. Whilst guys might not always need you to front to high heavens, a little mystery will not hurt. And don’t think because you have been in a relationship for that long, you don’t need to ‘pose’ small. Even married women need to sprinkle unto their relationships a little bit of fronting in the right dose every now and then. It keeps the relationship fun, alive. Why? Because men are once again being given the chance to do what they know how to do best, chase, and women are able also to be wooed all over again. It is exciting but only when done with wisdom and not too often that it becomes cliché, boring, predictable…
From the way you sound, it’s clear you were at his beck and call, always available, always there, which is the sweet thing to do but not always the smart one. You took out the mystery and he has seen you finish. Rudeness has set in and he is taking you for granted. But do not despair, there is hope.
The solution, I believe, is to pray, pray, pray. Pray for wisdom to be able to know exactly how to redeem yourself from the pit of disregard and ask God for the skill that even some women of the world so masterfully enact. Know when to give in, know when to withdraw etc. The fact that you love God/are born again etc does not mean you should not know how to do certain things. Also, pray for strength because even after the Holy Spirit has given you the wisdom to know what to do and how to go about it, you still need strength not to pick that phone up and call, you need strength not to be sending silly ‘hi/wassup/I’m just here thinking about you’ messages on BB that make you look like a pest. You need the strength to execute the plan. It won’t be easy. Oftentimes, you will be tempted to throw in the towel and play your normal ‘loving wifey’ role which has earned you disrespect and caused you to be taken for granted. You need to be strong. You also need to pray that God will renovate your image in Timothy’s mind, that instead of seeing a slow, dull woman, he sees you for who you really are ( I stole that prayer point from the guest minister at TPH yesterday)
I wish I could sit here and type a one-size-fits-all set of solutions but I would be fooling you. Only you know the over-sabi things which you used to do. They might have worked for the long distance phase of your relationship but in this new dispensation, it will be considered over-doing it. All your sleeping on Skype cannot possibly continue in Naij. You can’t even be taking advantage of the free MTN to MTN midnight calls too often. You guys now see more so something else has to reduce in order for the thrill not to turn to stress quickly.
From the way you have presented him, Timothy sounds like a go-getter who gets bored easily, by for instance, quitting his NYSC place of primary assignment for the more exciting and therefore rewarding option of focusing on his own thing. That is clearly because the same ol’ thing would kill him. He needs a bit of excitement so he is not the type of dude you should be calling too often or whose calls you should be picking every time he rings. Neither should you be freeing up your calendar to accommodate dates with him all the time. Sometimes, you need to form ‘busy’ in order for the respect to stay there and so he does not think you are not driven and focused.
It feels like you always wrap your plans around him therefore making him get the impression that you are a lay-about (used loosely) who does not have a personal passion and who is not driven. You need to find what you enjoy and do it. Get closer to God so that He alone is the object of your affection, get lost in love with Him, read your Bible more, join a department in Church which I know will take up your time, read blogs, start a blog, join the gym, visit motherless babies’ homes, make good friends with whom you can pass the time, learn how to cook new dishes, join ‘So you think you can cook’ group on Facebook and learn how to make dishes from different parts of Nigeria. Get busy. Don’t make him your number 1.
Guys tend to find driven, passionate ladies attractive. Regarding those girls who are selling Brazilian hair that he compared you with, let me tell you what I reckon: it is not about the business acumen, it is about their being busy doing something. Because they are usually engaged in profitable activities, they are not expected to have the time to go complaining, ‘why didn’t you call’, ‘why didn’t you pick up on the first 2 rings when I called’, why didn’t you come to see me’. They are busy women and that makes every moment shared special, fun, interesting plus with that, they have something new to bring to the discussion table. Like I said initially, Timothy is one individual. I wouldn’t want every girl reading this to assume it will work in her relationship too. Some guys love the whole attention thing and all this forming ‘I’m busy, let’s reschedule’ might do their heads in. You need to study your relationship and tailor fit your behaviour (as much as you can without altering or stifling your person and your individuality) to make it work. Now, allow me add, if after analyzing Timothy’s needs and expectations you find that meeting them would change you from who you are, then don’t bother. Simply re-categorise yourself into Group 2 below.
I am a firm believer of the fact that you should never change who you are in order to suit a person. Never! Unless the changes you are making are positive and contribute to your personal development and that way, people can testify that the guy is having a positive influence on you. It should not be the case that you become a shadow of who you are in order to make him happy. For instance, a guy can lovingly and with tact encourage you to drop a few pounds so that after 8 months of being with him, everyone compliments you for looking great and trim and you can add, ‘Oh Tim really encouraged me through it’. He could encourage you to be more organized, plan better, read your Bible more, join the choir since you have a lovely voice, call your parents more if you are the type who is a lazy communicator, learn how to drive manual, wake up early, etc.
2. He is tired of you and the relationship
This is the hopeless category. This means he is doing what guys usually do when they are tired: they frustrate your existence to the extent that it is you that will voluntarily pack your load and reach for the nearest exit. If this is the case, then I’m sorry to break it to you but there is no hope.
You could try to ‘persevere/endure/be a good, strong African woman’ all you want but truth is when a man is tired, he is tired and the more you try, the more irritated he becomes. So no use trying. Best to leave quickly before the embarrassment becomes public and unbearable.
_
Omolade, you alone can determine under which category you fall. In your heart of hearts, you will know whether it is over or not. Be true to yourself. However, in the highly unlikely situation that you genuinely don’t know if Timothy is seeing you finish or is tired and wants out, for the sake of safety, I’d advise that you assume he is merely seeing you finish and needs to be reminded of your worth and implement the steps highlighted above. You should see a quick change. If there is no change in the right direction after a month MAX, my sister, just consider it over and trust God enough that if it meant to be, He will orchestrate things in your favour. He is the God of infinite chances and the saying, ‘an opportunity once lost cannot be regained’ does not apply to Him.
Banish fear. It hinders us from doing what we need to do. The Word of God says in 2 Timothy 1:7 that God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, of love and of a sound mind. It also says “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18). Fear brings torment so you need to be careful not to base your decisions on the fear of losing him, of being alone or of making a mistake. You need to trust that God will not let you go astray which is why you need to be close to Him.
I pray that God will give you and all others going through similar situations understanding and wisdom.
God bless you dear.
Loads of love,
Temiville.xoxo
***
I found a book which claims to have some basic fool-proof rules on relationships. It is called The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. It is a controversial self-help book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and was originally published in 1995. While, I do not endorse them all, I find them interesting and thought to share. My comments are in red.
The Rules
Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance)
Don’t Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
Don’t Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls
Always End Phone Calls and dates First
Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday.
Fill Up Your Time before the Date
How to Act on Dates 1,2, and 3
How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time
ALWAYS end the date first
Stop Dating Him if He Doesn’t Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine’s Day (erm coughs)
Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date (I’d say don’t even do this at all)
Don’t Rush into Sex, Wait at Least Three Dates (wait until your wedding night, 1Corinthians 6:18)
Don’t Tell Him What to Do
Let Him Take the Lead
Don’t Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
Don’t Open Up Too Fast
Be Honest but Mysterious
Accentuate the Positive & Other Rules for Personal Ads
Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)
Don’t Date a Married Man (before nko?)
Slowly Involve Him in Your Family & Other Rules for Women with Children
Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at The Rules)
Even if You’re Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends & Parents Think It’s Nuts
Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in High School
Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College
NEXT! & Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection
Don’t Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist.
Don’t Break The Rules!
Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After!
Love Only Those Who Love You (I think I get what they mean here)
Be Easy to Live With
I can’t wait to read your opinions on this! Meanwhile, here is Madea at her finest…
Hope your week has been great so far. Mine has-to the glory of God!
I started this blog on the 1st of October 2010 (read my first ever post) and from then till now, I have received loads of messages asking for advice on relationships, walk with God in this day and age and life generally. I respond but I feel it’s better to put these questions out and see what people generally think of the situation so upon permission from the askers, I decided to start with this most recent one (names have been changed as you can understand). I’m sure we all will learn from each other’s views and experiences… Quick note: temiville@yahoo.com is what works for now.
***
From Omolade:
Subject: Things are not the same
We met through a mutual friend on a group trip to the US over 2008 summer. Since then, we started a long distance relationship. The popular belief is that long distance relationships are doomed to fail even before they begin but that was not the case with Timothy and I. We understood the limits we had to deal with and trust was never an issue. We decided and made conscious efforts to trust each other.
We communicated well enough and also tried to see as often as we could. He’d come to England or I’d go to the States and that is how it had been till August 2010 when we both moved back to Nigeria to start NYSC with the Batch C group in November. We planned to stay in Abuja and I believed it was finally time to reap the fruits of enduring in an ‘overseas’ romance for so long.
I was wrong. Timothy became a different person entirely. He became impatient with every little thing I did. I am not as quick as he is and I think it became even more apparent when we started being in such close proximity. He started complaining about everything I do and how slow I am-from my driving to my walking to my eating, to my thinking!
He says I am too sluggish and he does not like sluggish people around him because they ‘dull’ him. He says I don’t have business acumen that can’t I see other girls who are trying do something with their talents or are even just trading in random things like Brazilian hair, clothes etc. All these make me feel small and worthless beside him. He, on the other hand, is a high flyer.
Not only is he brilliant-his parents, though wealthy, have never had to pay a dime for his university degrees. He was on full scholarship all through his education in the US. Aside of that, he is into private IT consultancy and some other things. My point is this- he knew me and my ‘slow’ ways and it never was an issue before. Why now?
I have held on since September and to be honest, I am beginning to think I am holding on to the past, to memories of what once was. He was so affectionate and caring and loving when we were apart. But now that we are together, it seems as though all my faults are now pronounced. I think he prefers me away from him.
Do you think I should break up with him and move on with my life? I am 26 this year and though I am not one of the age-conscious girls, I just believe that if he is not the one, it will be nice to know now than later on. On the other hand, I have this fear that by breaking up with him, I’m giving up too soon and that I might never find another person like him. I have been living in pain and hurt since September and the only thing that makes me carry on is the thoughts of how good things were before and with that, I hope and pray things get better but it’s been almost a year now and still, nothing.
The only good thing is that I don’t think he cheats on me. Everything else seems bad. We both live in Asokoro and there have been weeks that we just ‘jam’ at Church and that’s it. Calls are mechanical almost as if ‘let me call, if not she will have something to say’. When we do go out, the silence gets painful and piercing. I find out about things going on with his family when he is on the phone with one of them. The other day, we were going to Cedic and he received a call from his mom, that was how I found out that his brother and his wife were relocating to Nigeria next month! I also found out through that phone call that he was quitting his service job and getting re-posted to the family business so that he can have time to focus on his own thing ‘instead of spending hours promoting and building another man’s business’, he said.
There was a time that as ideas were brewing in his head, he’d be on the phone immediately to ask my opinion. Now, I just hear about his finished plans randomly. There was a time where we would be on Skype from morning to night non-stop and sleep off on Skype, wake up on Skype. Now, communication is stressful. I have examined myself and maybe I need to be patient with him. Nothing in life is easy, I understand so maybe I need to learn resilience and perseverance through this and keep on praying for him as he might be under stress. I have been with him since 23, I know his family, they know mine but these days they seem to be withdrawing. His sister used to call me once a month when I was in the UK, now I alone do the calling. Maybe he has told them something he has not told me or maybe I am paranoid. I understand that I probably don’t sound coherent but that is exactly how I feel-confused.
It’s been a while and I am terribly sorry I went quiet without notice. I had to deal with some stuff. You remember in a recent post I thanked God for healing? Well, I was pretty much thanking Him in advance but guess what? He did it oh!!! God is truly wonderful. In a while, I will share with you the details of the healing ‘intoto’ but for now, I speak into your life that if you are going through one illness or the other, the same God who healed me is will do the same for you in Jesus’ name. AMEN!
Now to today’s post…I was having a discussion with an unusual Bible teacher of mine. He is a dear friend of mine who I feel is so deep but does not tap into his own depth as much as he could. If he did, I think he would be out of this world by now. We were on a train journey and I literally wished I could record our conversation, that’s how much I learned from him. Anyways, one message led to another and it is funny how in a few verses, a whole book could be written. For the purposes of this post, however, I’ll stick to just two central issues.
Mark 12:17 was explained to me in a way I have never ever heard of before and I thought to share the insight with you all.
To have a good understanding of the message in it, I will start from verse 13:
13And they send unto him certain of the Pharisees and of the Herodians, to catch him in his words.
14And when they were come, they say unto him, Master, we know that thou art true, and carest for no man: for thou regardest not the person of men, but teachest the way of God in truth: Is it lawful to give tribute to Caesar, or not?
15Shall we give, or shall we not give? But he, knowing their hypocrisy, said unto them, Why tempt ye me? bring me a penny, that I may see it.
16And they brought it. And he saith unto them, Whose is this image and superscription? And they said unto him, Caesar’s.
17And Jesus answering said unto them, Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s. And they marvelled at him.
Basically, the Pharisees were looking for a way to ‘legally’ get rid of Jesus but He was just too wise for them. Now, first lesson: when they sought to destroy Him, which method did they resort to? His words. The Bible says ‘they send unto him certain of the Pharisees and of the Herodians, to catch him in his words.’
When people want to destroy you, the easiest way to do so is through your speech-the things you say, the words you utter. These can redeem you or destroy you. Matthew 12:37 says that For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned. So we need to be very careful. Even random sayings attest to the fact that it is ‘Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and confirm it’.
Let my words be few
If and when you must speak, let your words edify, let them build up, let them be seasoned with salt. Ensure that nothing you say can be used to ‘trap’ you. In this day and age, with everything being electronic now, we also need to watch our e-words, the things we tweet, DMs we send, BBM responses we give, BBM broadcasts we pass on, etc. That is one lesson I learned from that passage.
Now unto what was taught me, after the Pharisees and Herodians sent to Jesus had asked Him the question, He responded thus: Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s. For a long time, I thought it meant something along the lines of ‘pay your taxes’/ ‘pay your tithe’ but a new light was shed on it and I will now attempt to reproduce the knowledge.
How did Jesus come to the answer He gave them? He first asked them for a coin and said, Whose is this image and superscription? And they said unto him, Caesar’s. It was after this that Jesus said that we should give to Caesar what belongs to him- the coin on which is image is inscribed and that which should give to God what belongs to God. However, he pretty much left a space blank. He did not tell us what belongs to God. Using the analogy provided, we ought to be able to arrive at the answer.
The coin belongs to Caesar because his image is on it. In like reasoning, we belong to God because His image is on us! Therefore we need to give ourselves to God. Wow! I’m sorry but I was blown away! I found it so profound.
It is not about trying to lead a religious life, no! It is about being totally lost in love with God, giving ourselves to Him. When we do this totally and completely, every other thing will follow naturally without us having to ‘ascertain’ whether this is right or that is wrong. We will simply seek to please God and do His will.
I pray God will continue to grant us divine insights into His word.
I’m presently studying 1 Samuel and I am enthralled by things I totally missed when I had read it earlier. I can’t wait to share!
There is something new to learn from God’s word every time! Please, jump on it. Study it. Take your time. Every word means something. Every punctuation mark has its intentions. I know when I was a student writing an essay that had a 10, 000 word limit for example, I would probably start off with 15,500 words in the ‘completed’ draft and would have to go through what every true writer knows to be a painful process of mercilessly cutting down words. After much pruning, you get it down to the desired length. At this stage, anything that makes the cut must be important. I think the same thing goes for the Word of God. We should enjoy dwelling on it and I know that God’s Word will build us up. It is a lamp unto our feet that is, to direct our daily/hourly steps and also a light unto our paths, that is, to give us a long term idea of the way to go.
On a slightly different note, I want us to pray for the young generation-our generation that God’s hands of protection will dwell on us richly and that the spirit of untimely death will no longer have a part to play in our lives. I’m totally fed up of hearing of guys in their 20s dying. Together we stand to declare, no more untimely death!
On my way home from work on Thursday, I saw what appeared to be a container on wheels only that it contained humans. These humans were Julius Berger staff being transported to or from their place of work. My friends and I thought it looked like a cell on wheels. They all had to stand inside- probably a hundred of them. There were little windows cut into the containers and clearly, this means of transportation could have not possibly passed the Health and Safety Standards of Nigeria or Germany for that matter! I brought out my phone and started snapping away. I managed to get one good shot.
Packed like sardines!
To say that I was appalled is to put it mildly. I was sore vexed in my spirit. Then for a minute, I paused and thought: on whose feet EXACTLY do I place the wreath of blame? Is it the German Government/Company for dishing to us what they would never do in their own country (and get away with at least)? Julius Berger was not even in anyway ashamed of their employee transporter and they clearly had ‘This vehicle is to transport Julius Berger Employees’ written on it. Is it the Nigerian Government for allowing such blatant abuse of workers to take place so openly and without consequence? Do we not have a Federal Ministry in charge of such matters? Health, Employee Matters, whatever? Should we blame the workers themselves who have accepted such treatment? It is hard to place blame here because I can bet that it is a case of if you don’t want to work, leave! I can also bet that these staff are paid on a daily basis and are very grateful to even have a job! Or do we blame ourselves-Nigerians who drive past such vehicles daily and just shake our heads in horror and after a few minutes, totally forget what it was that horrified us?
Anyways, aside of the blame dishing out exercise, the point is this: I am very displeased. It is absolutely unacceptable and I wish something could be done about it.
Now what is this ‘something’? I do not propose, Dear J. Berger, that you transport your construction workers in luxurious air conditioned buses but I’m sure you can afford BRT type of vehicles or even at the worst, ‘molues’ which are still 100 times better than what I saw on Thursday.
It is hightime we kicked against such acts in Nigeria! Absolutely unacceptable!
Musings of a Caramel Latte Addict 