I cannot seem to identify the problem with me but I am hundred percent sure something is not quite right. It is getting so frustrating these days. I know what I am doing is not right. I am sure I going down the wrong path. I have been warned. The admonitions and warnings are all so familiar to me. Even I have passed on these nuggets of wisdom in the past to erring friends. I know my wrongs, yet I do them. Before I proceed, I will give you a brief run through of who I am.
I am Omolara Owolabi, a 23 year old who just finished her Masters in Information Technology with Management from Loughborough University. I am tall, dark skinned and slim. I’m not exactly Miss World and neither am I Princess Fiona from Shrek. I am just there, really, but with MAC on my side, wonders can take place.
The issue with me however is that I can’t seem to like the decent guys around me. Ok, please don’t pre-judge me. I am not a loose girl. Not in the least bit. I am a good Christian who loves God and wants so badly to do His will. The problem is that once I find out a guy likes me, I begin to lose interest. I prefer those that I have to run after. The ones whom I call but don’t pick and when it is about 12 midnight, they ring back. I can’t stand those who remember my birthdays and buy me flowers and chocolates. I prefer those who forget and even when told, don’t bother buying anything and when I ask, they complain that I’m being materialistic, a nag and overly fussy. When a guy is all nicey nicey, I think he is slow, boring and generally ‘dulling’. I prefer the ones whose phones I have to keep checking, in whom I have no trust. The ones who keep my heart racing, who give me no peace whatsoever. I know I am being hard on myself but I am so frustrated with all I have been doing and the decisions I have been making lately.
I have been so sad all day. So sombre. So ‘burnt’. All my fears regarding Deji have come to pass. Yesterday evening, Deji came visiting. He used my laptop to check his Facebook account. As soon as he finished with it, I took it off him to check mine. I then noticed that the web page said ‘Do you want Google Chrome to remember this password?’. I thought to myself, ‘no I don’t’. Another part of me argued, ‘of course you do’. After much internal debate, I fell. I saved his password and as soon as he left, I sat down over a cup of coffee and logged into his account.
Nothing on God’s green earth could have prepared me for what I saw. There were chat messages with three different girls. In all these messages, he denied being in a relationship. He was toasting one and apparently the other two girls were a done deal. I then proceeded to his inbox. There was nothing compromising at all. Until I saw his conversation with his friend Kolade. Kolade asked,
‘Guy how far…the job don click?’ I was puzzled so I checked his response to Kolade. ‘Omo e don click oh. The two of them sef. Those girls are fine!’ It was then I understood what ‘job’ stood for. Those girls were the jobs. The jobs ‘clicking’ implies that they had succumbed to his advances, where in terms of a normal relationship or simply to sleep with him, I don’t know. Only God knows if I too was one of the jobs of which Kolade asked with regards to sleeping with me.
Deji and I started our relationship in Covenant University in our final year. I found him way more appealing than Steve who was also asking me out then. Deji was fun. Steve was boring. Steve was very kind and good to me. Deji was usually quick to dismiss me and was never there for me. Yet, in him I found fun and excitement and for that reason I held on. Steve was in the choir and usually hung out in the Chapel. Deji, on the other hand, was always with his clique of friends in Bashan in the Cafeteria. Despite the fact that I was aware that I was not the only girl he was asking out, Deji could do no wrong in my eyes. I fell for him, hook, line, sinker. He had swag. Steve, however, was entirely swagless. He was not my type and I really could not bear to be engaged in conversation for too long with such a bore.
Eventually, I started dating Deji but since our relationship began, I have not known peace. He leaves me to pick his calls and when I ask why, he complains that I nag. He passworded his Blackberry after I saw some suspicious messages. Even if he wants to quickly nip into the loo, Deji must take both phones with him. On his BB, he ends all his chats so there is absolutely no way of knowing wassup with him. As you must know by now, the mere fact that I am interested in knowing ‘wassup’ with him is proof that I don’t trust him. I don’t trust him. Yet, I can’t leave him.
We started Masters together in the same university. I got admission into the best university in the UK for my course but because I didn’t want to be without him, I accepted Loughborough which is the one he was going to. It is not because I was going to miss him so much that I took that decision. No! It was because I didn’t want him to be by himself. I wanted the whole school to know he was taken. His status on Facebook says, ‘In a relationship’ but no matter how hard I asked, pleaded with and even begged him to connect it to my profile, he refused. So I made up my mind to make it clear to all with whom he was in a relationship.
I am not much of a party person, not in the least bit. But because of my resolve to hold on tight to my man, I had to go for countless parties. All through the night, I would hold his arms firmly, dance with him in ways that will make my mom cringe. I did this all in a bid to put my stamp of ownership on him. Yet, he only got worse. I heard of his trysts with girls all over England, from Manchester, to Birmingham, to London and even all the way in Dundee, Scotland. I ‘heard’ but I never had any proof. I didn’t want any proof either.
The worst of all is that Deji has started getting physical with me. The other day, I was having a conversation with a male friend on the phone and Deji was seated next to me on the couch in the flat he shared with his friend, Eddie. I was totally fed up with Deji’s dodginess so I decided to spur jealousy in him by being flirtatious on the phone. He had no idea who it was I was speaking to. But I was laughing and using my sexy voice. Before I could say ‘God is good’, he grabbed the phone from my hand, cut it and gave me a thunderous, ear deafening slap.
‘In your life, don’t try that kind of nonsense with me again!’, he roared.
I held my cheek in shock as the tears began to flow of their own accord. I was speechless. I wasn’t expecting him to be pleased with my phone conversation but I certainly was not expecting a slap. I got angry, screamed at him as I put my shoes on and picked my phone to call a cab. He shouted back, calling me a whore. The next minute, he was on his knees, begging me and saying,
‘Lara, I don’t know what came over me. I love you so much. I just can’t bear to see you with another man. Please baby, don’t go. I love you.’
As I listened to him, I knew he had me hooked. As soon as he noticed me softening, he smiled and said,
‘no matter what I do, you know you can’t leave me. You are mine and you can’t go anywhere’.
He then hugged me. I was cold for a minute but I eventually hugged him back, tightly too.
‘I really need divine intervention’, I think to myself as I now log on into my Facebook account. Could Deji be right afterall that I will never leave him? I love him so much and this has made me endure his behaviour for so long. I just can’t seem say, ‘ Otito! E don do!! Enough is enough!!!’
What is wrong with me?
Musings of a Caramel Latte Addict 
Jan 17, 2011 @ 09:31:40
Is this fiction? The reason I ask is coz hardly would anyone in an abusive relationship put her ish out there with all her info!
Anyhoo girl, as someone who condoned abuse for an ‘extended’ period of time, it NEVER gets better…always, always exacerbate! Get a support system that is averse to this kinda thing (even if they are e-buddies or strangers). Better yet, tell your mom! She would pray d devil back to hell!!!
Wish u d best hun!
P.S: I went 2 C.U too (giggles!)
Jan 17, 2011 @ 11:12:48
Nice one Temi!!!
I couldn’t put my phone down till I got to the end and then I quickly reached for my laptop even though I had made up my mind earlier today not to come online until I had finished everything on my to-do-list 🙂
I agree that Lara does need divine intervention. Perhaps what she needs even more are some more hot slaps to shock her brain awake like a defibrillator would shock a heart that has stopped beating 😛
Lara doesn’t need a long sermon at all, she already knows she is going down the wrong path. Our lives are shaped by our choices and even though God loves us so much, He sent Jesus to Calvary’s cross, He doesn’t hold us back from choosing our own paths. He’ll patiently wait for Lara (and you and I) to come back after we’ve learnt the hard way, but we would have to live with the consequences of our choices.
If you refuse to be a good example, you’ll have to be satisfied with being a terrible warning!!
The last verse of proverbs chapter 3 says that the wise will inherit glory and the legacy of fools is shame. There are already so many examples around us to learn from!!! Why must you choose to learn the hard way, my dear Lara ??? It’s bad enough when we hear stories of guys who pretended to be good just to get a girl, but this one is not even pretending!! See hot slap oh!! Chei!! women have suffered!! plus he even called you a whore, then he started begging and you were hugging him back!! Are you alright???!!! If he used jazz for you, you better deliver yourself fast!!! The bible says there is no enchantment against Jacob ( or Lara in this case)….
So dear Lara, stay oh! you hear??? keep putting your stamp of ownership on him until there’s no more space on the envelope to write the address!!! As you lay your bed…….
http://www.gbemisoke.blogspot.com
Jan 17, 2011 @ 11:31:34
is this fact or fiction?
Jan 17, 2011 @ 11:45:39
What a story! I will encourage Lara to put a stop to dis abusive relationship, as the slap is just a tip of the iceberg! Enough is enough, above all she should seek God’s face, cos her condition is critical!!
Jan 17, 2011 @ 11:49:22
Love this story. There are somany real women out there in the exact same situation, both young and older. You’d be surprised. BTW, I’ve tagged you for the Stylish & Versatile blog awards. Please visit my blog to know what you are expected to do!
Thanks
Jan 17, 2011 @ 12:04:49
HMMMM
first thought is dear…u have the bad boys syndrome..
once a guy put his hands on you..u hurry along..
deji really isnt worth a lot..boy clearly doesnt give an iota about u..feels he can do is own nonsense while u be the good holy unsoiled gyrl…
omolara dear..pls start liking the good guys that ar nice and respect u as a woman.in the future ul be grateful u met them
if u decide u want to get out of the relationship, u will get out ..think about u dear..cuz clearly deji is thinking about only Himself..and really isn’t matured.
Jan 17, 2011 @ 12:10:08
Very well-written story, Sad thing is, this is happening for real in many girls’ lives, all in the name of lurve.
Jan 17, 2011 @ 12:35:12
Am actually going through the same thing and i cant even tell my mom cos she will even curse me the more. I was abused physically by my brothers and right now my boyfrnd is abusing. Where do i run to? Right now. who do i turn to?
Jan 17, 2011 @ 13:29:37
Really sad lots of girls, find themselves is this situation.
Not sure if this is a true story with just name changes but having seen friends and family in this situation, I would say it’s probably a good idea to seek out the root cause of why Lara has such a distorted perspective of her self-worth.
I know she’s Christian and that can empower you with Faith and be full of purpose and destiny but it doesn’t mean there isn’t a broken side to her that causes her to compromise the person God has called her to be.
Why does she only have an interest in guys who don’t value her existence, who make her feel invisible, re-placable and insignificant? Could it be that deep down that’s how she sees herself and even though she’s full of Faith, she can’t reconcile herself to who God has said she is?
I’ve found that with relationships things tend to go a bit polar **when the individual hasn’t dealt with their underlying struggles** especially with broken people, e.g. girls who come from broken homes in which domestic violence has gone on will subconsciously be drawn to men who mask those same destructive character traits and the cycle continues OR will go for someone just as reticent, broken and subservient as themselves. In line with the same distorted self-image, girls who say have been through childhood sexual abuse or rape, sadly may feel they no longer have any self-worth or deserve respect and love or even believe any can actually consider them worthy, so helplessly they will be drawn to men who treat them that way. Alternatively again, they may be subconsciously drawn to men with the same insecurities and inner struggles as them who perhaps have had experienced the same or similar trauma.
Or maybe she has experienced a female role-model put up with the same behaviour or maybe people have spoken derogatory word over her life for so long (e.g. you’ll never be anything in life etccc)
Usually the only way to be best matched in a healthy productive relationship is to be whole so that you can be attracted to whole. That way both sides complement each other rather than broken partner feeling the whole one (or worse, domineering one), is their supplement.
I think as a Christian girl the best advice I can give Lara is to take a needed break from dating to surrender the part of her heart that is relationship-focused to God, cause unfortunately it may feel like she has, but she really hasn’t. I think she should get into His Word and in His presence so He can tell her the amazing things He thinks about her, incredible ways He feels about her, the phenomenal words He’s spoken over her life, her future, her destiny, even in the area of relationships.
She’s broken, whether it was before this Deji, or now, so she needs to be loved on by God so he can reach in and touch those places of low self-worth and a distorted esteem and bring her real restoration and a healthy perspective.
After all that, she can only rest in the assurance that if He’s saved her from Sin, then hooking her up with His choice will be a smallies!
My two cents 🙂 xxx
Jan 17, 2011 @ 13:30:00
hmmmmmm,I don’t really know what to say , but i have walked this road before , so i can feel her , she is not mad , she doesn’t know her purpose in life , though it’s being abused, lara , know that God loves you , no matter how far you’ve gone , and His hands are wide open now to take you from the wildreness.
Most times people are often quick to pass judgements on others, we shouldn’t , let’s always take a pause to pray them , it ‘s what they need not your criticism
Jan 17, 2011 @ 14:08:09
@Oma,
I had just posted when I saw that you’d written in line with what I suspect – past experiences.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I’m not sure where you are spiritually, emotionally, psychologically or even physically, but I would encourage to please get out of your relationship.
You are worth SO much more.
A lot of people who don’t understand the psychological pull of such a destructive relationship, think its ABC and you’re foolish to put up with it, but I know it’s not so easy.
I will say though, that you ALONE hold the power to make your future or break it. Not even you family and friends can decide to end it for you. Even if they locked you up in your room to keep you safe and away, if YOU don’t decided YOU want END it COMPLETELY, anything short will talk you out your will and decision.
I’m not sure if you are a Christian or not, but irrespective God loves YOU with an absolute and unconditional love. If you’ve never really truly sought out to know the depth of this incomprehensible love, you’ll take any chameleon or bootleg version of it because as humans we all want to be wanted.
So if right now, you feel you have no one turn to, not even your mom for whatever reason, then can I promise you, that God is right there. Always has been. In Him alone can your body, mind, soul and spirit find comfort and refuge.
Here’s just some things He’s says about you:
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you Oma, the plans that I have for you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, plans to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29 v 11.
“I have loved you Oma, with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness” – Jeremiah 31 v 3.
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you Oma. Now remain in my love” – John 15 v 9.
“But You, O LORD, are a shield for Oma, the glory and the the lifter of her head”
– Psalm 3 v 3
Psalm 139 talk about how He loves you and knows you, even before you were formed in your mother’s womb, your every thought, your every word, your anxieties. How He’s searched you and understands you, how precious and innumerable His thoughts towards you are. How you cannot be separated from Him, how He covers you.
“But when the kindness and love of God our Savior Jesus appeared, He saved [Oma], not because of righteous things she had done, but because of His mercy. He saved [Oma] through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit
– Titus 3 v 4 – 5
“The LORD is close to broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” – Psalm 34 v 18
Romans 8 v 36 talks about how no matter what the past all present, you are a conqueror through Christ Jesus who loves you. For “neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, is able to separate you Oma, from the love of God, evidenced in Christ (and the Cross).
I hope you make the Life decision 🙂 xx
And I hope you can find a trustworthy support network.
Jan 17, 2011 @ 19:08:44
Nice story! I’ve been down this road before…she lacks self confidence…simply put! I enjoyed reading it though….very very REAL!
Jan 17, 2011 @ 19:12:42
@ Tolu of http://rahabmemoirs.wordpress.com/ – Excellent comment.
@ Oma – There is no 2 ways about it. Get yourself out of that relationship ASAP. You are not married to him and there is no reason to put up with that.
Except he is bank-rolling you then there is no reason to stay. Get a job and gradually plan to leave him. He will not change so what is the point?.
Yes, take others advice and pray to God to send you help but dont pray for him to change. It is not about him, It is about you allowing this to happen. You enable him to do this to you.
Jan 17, 2011 @ 20:35:44
@ Olamide: I really do appreciate ur comment and I trust Oma will take to ur encouraging words. Do have a beautiful night rest.
Jan 17, 2011 @ 23:14:02
“What is wrong with me”? you ask
Well, you are having a wrong taste syndrome! (Paragraph 3)….Furthermore, you knew the end from the beginning and still chose that path (“All my fears regarding Deji have come to pass” paragraph 4 line 1). You had an option of Steve and Deji and you went with Deji! Chikena
My dear, if you really want to do His will like you said, perhaps you might need to start by giving up yours and begin to change your priorities to His.
With or without swag, the core is that you need someone that would cherish you, hold you in high esteem and love you genuinely. In fact you may need to revamp your ideology in paragraph 3 about your ideal guy.
Your thoughts about needing divine intervention can’t be overemphasized and Gbemi’s words of needing more HOT slaps might just be a reference point. 🙂
Jan 18, 2011 @ 06:00:38
Nice post Temi!
Honestly, Lara needs some serious divine intervention. I absolutely love ur comment Gbemisoke, it is so apt. This story is just like someone knowing that fire is bad but deliberately putting his body in fire to know what it feels like. It is better to learn from others past experiences rather than trying to learn from your own experience. I agree with Oyinkan that lara’s problem is deeply rooted. She is broken inside, and she just needs some love. She needs to put an end to this relationship and start a new relationship with God. He’s the one who loves her with an everlasting love regardless of her mistakes or shortcomings.
@ Oma,if a man claims to love you and he’s still beating u, you need to leave that relationship. Is it that the person in question is funding ur education or something? If that’s the case, still leave Him, God will bring another helper your way. If he is already beating you now, it will only get worse hun. Frankly,u deserve much more than an abusive relationship. Sowy about the abuse you have endured, but now is ur time to speak up. Go talk to someone in church and I pray that God will make you whole again.
God loves you Oma,
Bless,
Shanday
http://www.shanday.wordpress.com
Jan 18, 2011 @ 09:00:22
She needs divine Intervention
Jan 18, 2011 @ 13:45:53
like my friend will say ‘fun arare ni brain’.
a guy that hits u, has a serious comma. its so not right.
Omolara still has alot to learn in relationship.
okeydoks!
Jan 18, 2011 @ 15:08:30
Buky has said my mind on some of the commenters replies. Please help yourselves remain alive and sane, get out.
@Temi, great story, it grabbed my attention AND emotions.
Jan 18, 2011 @ 19:21:12
If i was in love with him, he would have slapped that love out of me!
If I was soo in love with him that I would consider staying, seeing all his messages about his ‘jobs’ will help me make the right decision.
Easier said than done but move on Lara.
Jan 18, 2011 @ 19:31:23
As fictional as this piece could tend to be defined, it is still what most naive girls face secretly. If I’m told this post is an art work of imagination, I will rather believe it to be real because it got my emotion arrested while I was reading… Great message Temi!
http://www.josephomotayo.blogspot.com
Jan 19, 2011 @ 23:06:00
hmmm…wot 2 say? i enjoy reading blogs, alot…wit Lara case,
Jan 27, 2011 @ 16:08:37
i totally understand that situation cos i find good guys frustratingly boring…but with time and God, we get our priorities right and realize that the ‘bad boy’ is not what we need for the long haul. All i can say is, shes not mad, the thrill will wear out and maturity will take over…
Jan 27, 2011 @ 16:55:07
Thanks for this Babe. Nice insight. God bless.
Jan 30, 2011 @ 08:39:07
How I have missed Temiville cos I’v bin on some serious studyn shiznit. Now I av to digest all one after the other. Watch me! 😀
Jan 30, 2011 @ 15:43:33
Flee! Why on earth would you want to still stay with him?
Just pray to God to intervene.