Hey people,

How was your weekend. To say I had a good weekend would be downplaying things. I had a great weekend! I went for a wedding on Saturday and all I can is ‘awwww’. I haven’t seen a more beautiful bride in a long time and neither have I heard such a touching love story in ages. I pray that God blesses their marriage in every area. This is their wedding website. 

Regarding my last post, I have been reading through all the comments on Molade’s situation and it seems as though most people believe the relationship is dead and gone and she needs to come to terms with this. Here is my line of thought on the issue. I hope it helps not just Molade but anyone else going through similar situations.

Hello Molade,

….

From your email, I can safely assume that it is one of two things happening. Either Timothy has ‘seen you finish’ or he is fed up and wants out. I will now proceed to explain how exactly I mean.

1. He has ‘seen you finish’

In this category, there is a thread of hope you can cling to. It is not a great place to be but at least, all hope is not completely lost. You caused it so only can redeem yourself out of it. ‘How did I cause it?’, I hear you ask. Well, you caused it by being ‘over-there’. Whilst guys might not always need you to front to high heavens, a little mystery will not hurt. And don’t think because you have been in a relationship for that long, you don’t need to ‘pose’ small. Even married women need to sprinkle unto their relationships a little bit of fronting in the right dose every now and then. It keeps the relationship fun, alive. Why? Because men are once again being given the chance to do what they know how to do best, chase, and women are able also to be wooed all over again. It is exciting but only when done with wisdom and not too often that it becomes cliché, boring, predictable…

From the way you sound, it’s clear you were at his beck and call, always available, always there, which is the sweet thing to do but not always the smart one. You took out the mystery and he has seen you finish. Rudeness has set in and he is taking you for granted. But do not despair, there is hope.

The solution, I believe, is to pray, pray, pray. Pray for wisdom to be able to know exactly how to redeem yourself from the pit of disregard and ask God for the skill that even some women of the world so masterfully enact. Know when to give in, know when to withdraw etc. The fact that you love God/are born again etc does not mean you should not know how to do certain things. Also, pray for strength because even after the Holy Spirit has given you the wisdom to know what to do and how to go about it, you still need strength not to pick that phone up and call, you need strength not to be sending silly ‘hi/wassup/I’m just here thinking about you’ messages on BB that make you look like a pest. You need the strength to execute the plan. It won’t be easy. Oftentimes, you will be tempted to throw in the towel and play your normal ‘loving wifey’ role which has earned you disrespect and caused you to be taken for granted. You need to be strong. You also need to pray that God will renovate your image in Timothy’s mind, that instead of seeing a slow, dull woman, he sees you for who you really are ( I stole that prayer point from the guest minister at TPH yesterday)

I wish I could sit here and type a one-size-fits-all set of solutions but I would be fooling you. Only you know the over-sabi things which you used to do. They might have worked for the long distance phase of your relationship but in this new dispensation, it will be considered over-doing it. All your sleeping on Skype cannot possibly continue in Naij.  You can’t even be taking advantage of the free MTN to MTN midnight calls too often. You guys now see more so something else has to reduce in order for the thrill not to turn to stress quickly.

From the way you have presented him, Timothy sounds like a go-getter who gets bored easily, by for instance, quitting his NYSC place of primary assignment for the more exciting and therefore rewarding option of focusing on his own thing. That is clearly because the same ol’ thing would kill him. He needs a bit of excitement so he is not the type of dude you should be calling too often or whose calls you should be picking every time he rings. Neither should you be freeing up your calendar to accommodate dates with him all the time. Sometimes, you need to form ‘busy’ in order for the respect to stay there and so he does not think you are not driven and focused.

It feels like you always wrap your plans around him therefore making him get the impression that you are a lay-about (used loosely) who does not have a personal passion and who is not driven. You need to find what you enjoy and do it. Get closer to God so that He alone is the object of your affection, get lost in love with Him, read your Bible more, join a department in Church which I know will take up your time, read blogs, start a blog, join the gym, visit motherless babies’ homes, make good friends with whom you can pass the time, learn how to cook new dishes, join ‘So you think you can cook’ group on Facebook and learn how to make dishes from different parts of Nigeria. Get busy. Don’t make him your number 1.

Guys tend to find driven, passionate ladies attractive. Regarding those girls who are selling Brazilian hair that he compared you with, let me tell you what I reckon: it is not about the business acumen, it is about their being busy doing something. Because they are usually engaged in profitable activities, they are not expected to have the time to go complaining, ‘why didn’t you call’, ‘why didn’t you pick up on the first 2 rings when I called’, why didn’t you come to see me’. They are busy women and that makes every moment shared special, fun, interesting plus with that, they have something new to bring to the discussion table. Like I said initially, Timothy is one individual. I wouldn’t want every girl reading this to assume it will work in her relationship too. Some guys love the whole attention thing and all this forming ‘I’m busy, let’s reschedule’ might do their heads in. You need to study your relationship and tailor fit your behaviour (as much as you can without altering or stifling your person and your individuality) to make it work. Now, allow me add, if after analyzing Timothy’s needs and expectations you find that meeting them would change you from who you are, then don’t bother. Simply re-categorise yourself into Group 2 below.

I am a firm believer of the fact that you should never change who you are in order to suit a person. Never! Unless the changes you are making are positive and contribute to your personal development and that way, people can testify that the guy is having a positive influence on you. It should not be the case that you become a shadow of who you are in order to make him happy. For instance, a guy can lovingly and with tact encourage you to drop a few pounds so that after 8 months of being with him, everyone compliments you for looking great and trim and you can add, ‘Oh Tim really encouraged me through it’. He could encourage you to be more organized, plan better, read your Bible more, join the choir since you have a lovely voice, call your parents more if you are the type who is a lazy communicator, learn how to drive manual, wake up early, etc.

2. He is tired of you and the relationship

This is the hopeless category. This means he is doing what guys usually do when they are tired: they frustrate your existence to the extent that it is you that will voluntarily pack your load and reach for the nearest exit. If this is the case, then I’m sorry to break it to you but there is no hope.

You could try to ‘persevere/endure/be a good, strong African woman’ all you want but truth is when a man is tired, he is tired and the more you try, the more irritated he becomes. So no use trying. Best to leave quickly before the embarrassment becomes public and unbearable.

_

Omolade, you alone can determine under which category you fall. In your heart of hearts, you will know whether it is over or not. Be true to yourself. However, in the highly unlikely situation that you genuinely don’t know if Timothy is seeing you finish or is tired and wants out, for the sake of safety, I’d advise that you assume he is merely seeing you finish and needs to be reminded of your worth and implement the steps highlighted above. You should see a quick change. If there is no change in the right direction after a month MAX, my sister, just consider it over and trust God enough that if it meant to be, He will orchestrate things in your favour. He is the God of infinite chances and the saying,  ‘an opportunity once lost cannot be regained’ does not apply to Him.

Banish fear. It hinders us from doing what we need to do. The Word of God says in 2 Timothy 1:7 that God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, of love and of a sound mind. It also says “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18). Fear brings torment so you need to be careful not to base your decisions on the fear of losing him, of being alone or of making a mistake. You need to trust that God will not let you go astray which is why you need to be close to Him.

I pray that God will give you and all others going through similar situations understanding and wisdom.

God bless you dear.

Loads of love,

Temiville.xoxo

 ***

I found a book which claims to have some basic fool-proof rules on relationships. It is called The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. It is a controversial self-help book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and was originally published in 1995. While, I do not endorse them all, I find them interesting and thought to share. My comments are in red.

 The Rules

Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance)
Don’t Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
Don’t Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls
Always End Phone Calls and dates First
Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday.
Fill Up Your Time before the Date
How to Act on Dates 1,2, and 3
How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time
ALWAYS end the date first
Stop Dating Him if He Doesn’t Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine’s Day (erm coughs)

Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date (I’d say don’t even do this at all)
Don’t Rush into Sex, Wait at Least Three Dates (wait until your wedding night, 1Corinthians 6:18)
Don’t Tell Him What to Do
Let Him Take the Lead
Don’t Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
Don’t Open Up Too Fast
Be Honest but Mysterious
Accentuate the Positive & Other Rules for Personal Ads
Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)
Don’t Date a Married Man (before nko?)
Slowly Involve Him in Your Family & Other Rules for Women with Children
Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at The Rules)
Even if You’re Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends & Parents Think It’s Nuts
Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in High School
Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College
NEXT! & Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection
Don’t Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist.
Don’t Break The Rules!
Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After!
Love Only Those Who Love You (I think I get what they mean here)
Be Easy to Live With

I can’t wait to read your opinions on this! Meanwhile, here is Madea at her finest…

Have a lovely week people!

Temiville.xoxo

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