Hi guys,
Hope your week has been great so far. Mine has-to the glory of God!
I started this blog on the 1st of October 2010 (read my first ever post) and from then till now, I have received loads of messages asking for advice on relationships, walk with God in this day and age and life generally. I respond but I feel it’s better to put these questions out and see what people generally think of the situation so upon permission from the askers, I decided to start with this most recent one (names have been changed as you can understand). I’m sure we all will learn from each other’s views and experiences… Quick note: temiville@yahoo.com is what works for now.
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From Omolade:
Subject: Things are not the same
We met through a mutual friend on a group trip to the US over 2008 summer. Since then, we started a long distance relationship. The popular belief is that long distance relationships are doomed to fail even before they begin but that was not the case with Timothy and I. We understood the limits we had to deal with and trust was never an issue. We decided and made conscious efforts to trust each other.
We communicated well enough and also tried to see as often as we could. He’d come to England or I’d go to the States and that is how it had been till August 2010 when we both moved back to Nigeria to start NYSC with the Batch C group in November. We planned to stay in Abuja and I believed it was finally time to reap the fruits of enduring in an ‘overseas’ romance for so long.
I was wrong. Timothy became a different person entirely. He became impatient with every little thing I did. I am not as quick as he is and I think it became even more apparent when we started being in such close proximity. He started complaining about everything I do and how slow I am-from my driving to my walking to my eating, to my thinking!
He says I am too sluggish and he does not like sluggish people around him because they ‘dull’ him. He says I don’t have business acumen that can’t I see other girls who are trying do something with their talents or are even just trading in random things like Brazilian hair, clothes etc. All these make me feel small and worthless beside him. He, on the other hand, is a high flyer.
Not only is he brilliant-his parents, though wealthy, have never had to pay a dime for his university degrees. He was on full scholarship all through his education in the US. Aside of that, he is into private IT consultancy and some other things. My point is this- he knew me and my ‘slow’ ways and it never was an issue before. Why now?
I have held on since September and to be honest, I am beginning to think I am holding on to the past, to memories of what once was. He was so affectionate and caring and loving when we were apart. But now that we are together, it seems as though all my faults are now pronounced. I think he prefers me away from him.
Do you think I should break up with him and move on with my life? I am 26 this year and though I am not one of the age-conscious girls, I just believe that if he is not the one, it will be nice to know now than later on. On the other hand, I have this fear that by breaking up with him, I’m giving up too soon and that I might never find another person like him. I have been living in pain and hurt since September and the only thing that makes me carry on is the thoughts of how good things were before and with that, I hope and pray things get better but it’s been almost a year now and still, nothing.
The only good thing is that I don’t think he cheats on me. Everything else seems bad. We both live in Asokoro and there have been weeks that we just ‘jam’ at Church and that’s it. Calls are mechanical almost as if ‘let me call, if not she will have something to say’. When we do go out, the silence gets painful and piercing. I find out about things going on with his family when he is on the phone with one of them. The other day, we were going to Cedic and he received a call from his mom, that was how I found out that his brother and his wife were relocating to Nigeria next month! I also found out through that phone call that he was quitting his service job and getting re-posted to the family business so that he can have time to focus on his own thing ‘instead of spending hours promoting and building another man’s business’, he said.
There was a time that as ideas were brewing in his head, he’d be on the phone immediately to ask my opinion. Now, I just hear about his finished plans randomly. There was a time where we would be on Skype from morning to night non-stop and sleep off on Skype, wake up on Skype. Now, communication is stressful. I have examined myself and maybe I need to be patient with him. Nothing in life is easy, I understand so maybe I need to learn resilience and perseverance through this and keep on praying for him as he might be under stress. I have been with him since 23, I know his family, they know mine but these days they seem to be withdrawing. His sister used to call me once a month when I was in the UK, now I alone do the calling. Maybe he has told them something he has not told me or maybe I am paranoid. I understand that I probably don’t sound coherent but that is exactly how I feel-confused.
Please advise me.
Thanks.
Let’s muse along with Molade!
Temiville.xoxo
Musings of a Caramel Latte Addict 
Jul 21, 2011 @ 12:14:52
Sweetie, this is NOT the right man for you. it will only get worse as time goes on. its hard to retain the respect the respect of a husband and not having any respect from a boyfriend makes it even harder. Be wise!
Jul 27, 2011 @ 11:00:42
I like the way you noted that the way you are being treated as a girlfriend is a very indication of how you will be treated as a wife. Thanks for your comment Abimbola. x
Jul 21, 2011 @ 12:18:10
First of all,Temi I believe that date is 1 October 2010 and not 2011. I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but this is pretty straightforward. Molade should just move on. If she knows what it was like before and what it is now,she will know where she is. Its supposed to get better now that you’re together. Now I’m not stupid enough to believe that it would always be rosy but communication is vital. If he was talking to you before and he isn’t talking to you now,it means he won’t talk to you later in marriage. A man should love,cherish and respect his woman. If you’re talking about persevering,for how long do you want to do that? She should just talk to him,maybe he hasn’t realised what he has been doing but I doubt it. Since I understand he is an intelligent person.
Jul 21, 2011 @ 14:30:38
OOPS! Thanks Gooner. I’m gonna change it right away. Thanks a lot!
Jul 21, 2011 @ 12:20:34
This does sound confusing but in all of these, you’ve not mentioned prayer. Prayer makes all things clear eventually. You should also ask him pointed questions. Determine that you both still have similar goals and plans and are working towards them. Never assume he is no longer interested and vice versa, get verbal clarification. I also had to do this with a long distance boyfriend of 5 years last December only for him to tell me he had no serious plans to settle down till 2013! I later wished I had asked earlier but at least I did. So ask, it doesn’t hurt. Pray, God always hears and answers. That way, you’ll be free to plan your future the God directed way.
Jul 21, 2011 @ 15:01:51
Babe, how did you cope/ Anyway from your comment, you are a woman of faith. God is the healer-even of the broken hearted. God will settle you with his plan for you.
Long distance is in 80% of cases a failure. Sorry
Jul 27, 2011 @ 11:02:16
Prayer is indeed the master key o. How are things going with you? God will surely bring your own to you. Thanks girl!x
Jul 21, 2011 @ 12:58:29
Hmmm…tis quite hard but she has to let go.
1.) The same way she feels things are not the same is the way the guy feels though he also is most likely holding on because of the past they’ve shared. Truth is, they had a fantastic long-distance relationship based on the fantasies they were able to build up to fill in the gaps but now being together and actually relating on the daily, the realities of every day living is crashing in on the ideal they both individually pictured.
2.) People grow, dreams change….Bf is obviously dreaming of a certain type of wifey now and it is plain she dont fit. She would be doing herself irreparable justice if she forces herself to be who she is not in order to fit.
Omolade, your man is out there and trust me, he will find everything about u perfect… let this go and he will turn up.
Jul 21, 2011 @ 13:03:48
I agree with Bimbo and NG. This man aint it!! His family is withdrawing, he is treating you like crap basically. You need to get the message and pack your bags jejely! Do not look down on yourself for not engaging in buying and selling, not everyone is successful in such businesses and if you are not entrepreneur-prone then you are not. You have other talents that make you unique and special. You might have a knack for other things.
This guy might have noticed that you and him are not as compatible as you both thought and in the true nature of a man, he will not break it off with you. He would rather you get the message and break it off with him. Your heart will heal and you will move on and find a man that will appreciate your unique talents.
You have tried to hold on since September, if things have not changed now, then do right by yourself and put this to rest. There might have been things that you noticed during your LD relationship and you both overlooked hoping it would work itself out eventually. Thank God you have seen things out and you can make a wise decision soon.
Do not hold on to a man that is not trying to hold on to you. A relationship requires the input of both parties, if he is not fighting for your relationship to work then you are fighting a losing battle.
You will do just fine dear, let this one go and a more compatible match will come along sooner than you expect 😉
Jul 21, 2011 @ 13:09:19
I will say Molade should move on from the relationship. Clearly, the guy has made up his mind about where the relationship is headed and he just doesn’t want to ‘do the honors’ of ending the relationship. A man who values you for who you are, loves you just that way and complements you will for sure come along. It’s no point spending time waiting for him to come around since you’re not married and thereby ‘stuck’ with him. If you stay there, he will slowly erode your sense of self worth and self esteem and make you begin to think less of yourself (if that isn’t even happening already).
Slow or fast, you were fearfully and wonderfully made and there is a destiny and purpose designed specifically for you. Once you close this door, a better, more beautiful one will be opened to you.
Jul 21, 2011 @ 13:27:21
My Dear Molade,
I feel so sorry for all the pain you must feel, i could actually feel in through your words you know?
This brutal but honest truth is this: your relationship is already over, you just havent realised it yet. i think you know deep down somewhere, but your heart doesnt want to accept it. Its time to let the past go, what’s important is what is happening in the present. Presently, the relationship is no longer working. You need to pick up the pieces of ur broken heart and move on.
You are young and still have your life ahead of you. There is someone out there who will truly appreciate you for who you are and not condenm you for not being something they want you to be.
The last thing i want to say to you is that you are NOT slow or sluggish just because you dont share his drive. Please dont let anyone make you feel that way. You were created for your own unique purpose, and everything about you (temperament included) was put there specifically by God to help you acheive his divine purpose for your life.
Stay strong and take care
Jul 21, 2011 @ 14:18:59
Molade, please let this brother go! No one deserves to be put down and compared to others in a negative light the way he does with you. And believe me, this will only get worse. If he doesn’t value you (flaws and all) now, he never will. You deserve so much more. You sound like a really thoughtful young lady, and you deserve your love to be reciprocated, not disregarded. You’ve obviously put him on a pedalstool, but rather than him placing you on one too, he’s looking down on you. You deserve better. If he doesn’t regard you, believe that another will. You sound like you can’t believe your luck to have landed him in the first place, but this feeling should be mutual. YOU ARE WORTHY! You deserve better! And there are better men out there. You can never lose what is yours, so let him go and allow the correct man to enter your life.
I wish all the best.
Jul 21, 2011 @ 14:23:53
Move on….
Jul 21, 2011 @ 14:58:50
Lol @ rethots. So blunt.
Jul 21, 2011 @ 14:57:23
Hey all,
I actually am one of those who go about from blog to blog during lunch. I enjoy a good read but NEVER comment. Today, I’d break my tradition.
So far everyone thinks you should break up with Timothy but I’m sure they don’t understand as much as you who are experiencing it. I experienced somethn similar and I broke up too. I later found out that this was a foolish decision. My then bf(nw husband) was behaving funny. I thought he was doing that thing guys do where they frustrate you into breaking up with them because they are tired. At the end of the day, I discovered he was going through so much stress. His mom was ill and her illness was draining the family purse and so much pressure was on him as the oldest in the family. He had to devote more the 80% of his salary after tithes on her illness. He didnt tell me that. He kept it in and it affected the way he dealt with me.
All the symptoms you mention, I experienced. He was short tempered. He was easily frustrated with me. If I ordered take away instead of cooking, he would snap that I was being wasteful and that no prudent woman should be buying cooked food. It went on and on. I got frustrated and I broke up with him. His mom beat the disease and on her thanksgiving (which I attended as I was already like a family friend-like you), she gave her thank you speech. It was then I realised how much sacrifice my husband was making. Who earning 250k, having to give away almost all to a hospital will not be snapping.
By the time I found out, I was ashamed of myself. God saw the innocence of my heart and allowed us to get back together. I wonder if I’d have been able to cope if he was with someone else.
The point is clear: where is your heart? you need to prayerfully ask God for help. Dont just leave him until you are sure because if he was so good to you before, maybe he is just going through one stress or the other which as a typical African man, he might not want to share.
Think about this. I’m sorry if my comment confuses you even more but my dear, dont give up so easily on 3 years. It is no joke at all.
All the best.
Jul 21, 2011 @ 15:45:45
@ Abisade, while I understand ur situation and thank God for for u for ur “happily ever after” ending, we all know yours was just an exception. There are a few exceptions like in your case but generally, men who act like Omolade’s bf are simply just not into the babe anymore. Your last comments prompted me to comment on this post. “don’t give up on so easily on 3 years, it is no joke”…While I know you mean well, it is this sort of attitude that sometimes lead people into marriages that were never meant to be in the first place. They go into it knowing fully well that things are not right but hoping that it’d get better. Well, it better get better before you go and sign a contract you are stuck with unhappily for the rest of your life. 3 years or 10 years, if he does not make you happy or if he’s not happy himself, you better count your losses and leave. Easier said than done, I know! But really, why give yourself the heartache of being with someone who clearly does not want to be with you? A relationship you don’t feel secure, happy or contented in is not worth your while. Of course, it won’t always be rosy, but your good days gotta be more than your off days.
While I would never underestimate the power of prayer, u don’t need to pray about some things before you know the answer. In fact, often times, we keep praying about things only because we’re trying to convince God to see things our way and give us what we want even though they aren’t necessarily what He wants for us.
Omolade should talk to him straight up about their relationship, find out what his deal is and if he has any reasons for being the way he is, he should speak or hold his peace, while she moves on. She might not see it now, but God has better plans for her, much better and greater than Timothy. Thinking that’s the best she can get is only limiting herself and limiting God’s abilities. We all know there is nothing He cannot do so why not trust Him to give her someone waaay beyond her own expectations! Take this from someone who only took her own advice a couple of months ago and even though I do not have any man in my life, I can see clearly now that what or who I thought was best for me isn’t even close to being best and I know who God has in store for me is going to be beyond my wildest imagination. Trust Him and let Him surprise you.
I hope it all works out well for Omolade and any other “Omolade’s” out there…
Jul 22, 2011 @ 14:00:55
True talk!
Jul 26, 2011 @ 03:56:44
I Agree with you 10000%….Omolade please please be wise. I dont know if this relates but I think you could learn a thing or two http://unveilinggold.blogspot.com/2011/05/lesson-learnt-is-anyone-immuned-to.html
Jul 27, 2011 @ 11:05:07
Need I say more???
Jul 22, 2011 @ 00:34:33
Ah Abisade, we thank God for your man and you all are together so only you know what happens in your home. This lady here has a chance to bolt while she can.3 years is a lot but it is NOTHING compared to a miserable life. We all go through things and if our attitude during the bad times is one to devalue the people who are “closest” to our hearts then we will end up chasing them away. This lady deserves happiness. Yes, no relationship is perfect but let us not be sitting and praying about a matter that our Merciful Father has clearly exposed.
Women sometimes put themselves in situations that end up being for the worst. This is the biggest writing on the wall. I left a long distance relationship that I thought was the best thing ever because he started treating me in a horrible manner, similar to what she mentioned. His family did not dodge me but I knew he was speaking loud and clear with his actions. I left him and God brought a wonderful man that appreciates me with my flaws and helps me build up in my weak areas. If it is meant to be then what is hers will come back to her. Let her not waste her precious years on a man that does not know how to uplift his woman. It is truly better to be single than go through life with a man that is not sure about how he feels about you.
Women, biko…stop giving importance to a man that treats you without respect. Abisade, yours was going through a rough time and he acted out of frustration(some of his words were not even bad)…this man is straight up demeaning in his approach. If you want to sit and pray, go ahead but them no dey tell blind man say rain dey fall.
Jul 27, 2011 @ 11:04:27
Thanks for your comment dear. I’m glad things worked well. But you know its better to break off a 3 year courtship than for a marriage to crash. Its never to late to realise you are ABOUT to make a mistake o
Jul 21, 2011 @ 15:00:21
Please I shall echo all of the above! Leave the dude. He is tired of you. He built his relationship with you on a foundation which when he started living closer to yuo, he realised was shaky. he is giving you signs my dear. Move on. God dey
Jul 21, 2011 @ 17:41:56
@ Abisade than x for taking out time to address the issue from another perspective, however, a man that cannot confide in his woman about his finances is a NO NO NO. 80% after tithe, that is too much to hide, for me that is enough reason to break up self.
and i echo the sentiments of Es Tee, ten years self can be thrown into the dustbin
@ Poster, i wont say break up or don’t cuz you know in your heart what exactly is best for you. So follow your heart and i pray God would guide you arite! Cheers
Jul 21, 2011 @ 22:19:05
Sweetheart, I think you should just move on with your life. If he is no longer interested, please don’t try to do anything (except pray).
I strongly believe that a relationship is a mutual thing, If he starts acting strange (aw well as his family) he is probably telling you (indirectly) to “grab the message” and move on.
Please, just pray about it, (I think you are already convinced and know what you should do) and move on with what ever plan you have.
If something is doubtful, then it is what you think it is…
I pray for guidance for you!
Jul 22, 2011 @ 00:37:41
Well said Es Tee!
Aug 17, 2011 @ 01:12:20
Thank you Ms Buki. May God grant us wisdom in these issues of life…:-)
Jul 22, 2011 @ 14:11:58
The mistake people make is thinking about the length of time they have been in a relationship when the time comes to take tough decisions. Re: Abisade’s comment: that will only make you stay longer in hell.
I think she needs to go on an extended break from this relationship. It is very possible that they get back together. But for now, I’d say something along these lines:
1. Break it off
2. Pray to God for strength not to fall back in because judging from your words, it won’t be easy staying away
3. Pray to God for direction and wisdom
4. See how things go
Jul 22, 2011 @ 17:57:11
Relationships are hard, long distance relationships are even harder. it is human nature to want to impress people, it is very easy to impress someone you don’t see every time, your conversations are romantics, “love” will probably be apparent in everything you do. the truth is….. you cant truly “LOVE” someone you have never seen or someone you don’t see often, because you don’t know the real them, it’s that simple. it’s extremely easy to fall head over heals with someone you don’t see often because you never see their faults. That is why most long distance relationship don’t last after the couple get together.
My advice to her is to leave the guy, if all he sees at this stage is her incompetencies, he will never see her as an equal partner. leaving is difficult, spending the rest of your life in sorrow will probably be more difficult.
Jul 22, 2011 @ 20:04:14
I think in addition to praying, she should talk to the guy. like really talk about this issue, and let him say whatever it is that is bothering him. if he refuses to talk, or wouldn’t work towards resolving the problem then she needs to move on.
Jul 23, 2011 @ 04:34:02
aww it hurts so much when your partner withdraws from you all of a sudden esp when you donot know the reason for his withdrawal. ild advice her to try to find out from him what the problem is, why the sudden change? If that doesn’t work then she should break up with him! Its better not to be in a relationship @ all than to be in an emotional abusive relationship 🙂 If she decides to break up with him, she also should pray to God to help her get over the hurt and pain 🙂
Jul 23, 2011 @ 19:56:03
I am concious that you said you are scared of leaving him for fear that you wont find one like him – why would you want another person like him?
long distance relationships are sometimes very convenient for people not to have to face reality now (i have been in a few myself and i finally decided i was deciving myself) having said that, it is not always the case.
seems like there were things about you he wasnt a huge fan of, but because he didnt have to face it while you were apart, he didnt have a problem with it, but now you are together, it is more apparent than before.
i would say you need to be with a man that APPRECIATES YOU and would put you before the world. A man who wants you in his future and discusses his plans with you. You don’t want to end up with someone that sees you as a trophy wife or someone that should be seen and not be heard. I mean if h doesnt believe in what you are capable of in life and the whole business acumen thing and if he will constantly talk you down – why would you want that in a life partner?
it is one thing to be patient and another to be accepting of situations that are just not right. I will say to discuss this with an independent third party that you trust and you know would give you good advice and pray! PRayer is very essential in every single thing. Speak to someone if there are truly things you need to change about your self or improve on and try to work on those things, but I would say not for him if he wasnt able to spur you on lovingly and help you see these things without bringing you down then what will the future be like when there will be bigger things to worry about??
I have rambled on a bit but goodluck.
Jul 27, 2011 @ 11:05:47
Approved comment!
Jul 24, 2011 @ 02:13:41
My sister, am so sorry you are facing this situation but you know what you have to do right now is …call him and talk things over before ending the relationship, you can’t just end the relationship without really knowing what he’s thinking…Everyone is telling you to quit or end the relationship but I think you should both sit and talk first about what changed, he might actually let you know that he’s moved on, it’s going to be hard at first to take the news but seriously you need to MOVE on after the talk, you are gorgeous lady and am sure you will find a better man…26 ain’t OLD, you deserve BETTER!
Jul 24, 2011 @ 02:50:53
My dear, I salute your perseverance. Respect we all know should be reciprocal. Timothy, no longer respects you. From your story, you obviously love and cherish him, placed him on a high pedestal and thanking God you found him, my dear he does not feel same way!
I will encourage you to schedule a mtg with him, and ask him to tell you in clear words, what is happening, he should define the relationship. He should not subject you to this emotional abuse, you don’t deserve it. If he is no strait forward, appreciate him and move on. Let go and let God!
Jul 24, 2011 @ 20:57:08
na wa oh,pray before yhu do anything but have yhu spoken to him about it,like confront him,so he can say his mind?
*huggs*
Jul 25, 2011 @ 08:46:47
Leave the dude. Him don tire
Jul 25, 2011 @ 18:00:32
Everyone is advicing this girl to talk things over with a guy who has talked it over with her already?He has said he doesn’t appreciate the fact that you’re not biz savvy and that you are slow. Except you plan to change 4 HIM, please move on to someone that will extol your virtues and strengthen your weaknesses. It so easy to deal with a lot from a distance because the magnitude is down played. Now that they are upclose and personal,its really easy to spot things like eating mannerisms,etiquette,gait,composure etc. The guy doesn’t have a problem at all and neither does she. A relationship is meant for people to learn from each other,enjoy each others company and either be friends,get married, or move on with your life if you find that you’re not compatible. Its shouldn’t be a do or die affair. It will be terrible to end up with someone who merely tolerates you…even in friendship. Relationships are by choice. Wisdom, the bible says is profiitable to direct. God will give you a man that you love more than him,and who can’t fathom his life without you and will in turn move the world for you. I’m married and have been for almost half a year and believe me, that is the only kind of love that keeps a marriage relationship when life rocks your relationship.
Jul 27, 2011 @ 11:07:01
Thanks guys for all your insightful comments. I’m sure Molade has learned a lot from them . God bless you for taking time out to read and add your views.
Jul 28, 2011 @ 14:38:01
Leave him and move on – your self esteem has taken a blow in the last few months because of the way he treats you. If he can’t see you for the special person you are, then he doesn’t deserve you. Leave him alone, let him live his fast life at his pace
Aug 01, 2011 @ 20:16:43
Molade the thing is u know what to do. U know the answer. This is truly your first time together as u said three years u dont just wake up one morning and say im leaving yes he says you r slow that u dont have the drive he admires blah blah is he asking u to change. I would like to add are u the kind of person that would leave your own personal growth to please another, if u r just stop everyone is unique maybe he is seeing u too much and thus taking u for granted. I wouldnt say just leave like that to me there r two sides to a story. Relationship are not perfect. He is sending u a message he wants hs space. Give him the space thus giving yourself. Discover who u really r and stop trying to please as u can see it is coming back to u but that does not mean u should be disrespectful. There is a lot to do a lot to discover about yourself. He obviously is not holding u along so u should get moving. Meet people from your local church join a department start a hobbie, a blog learn something new. Start a journal believe ,e there is lot to be grateful for and blessings we ignorejust beacause of things we focus on. U r not slow. U r u ust discover the treasure in u so if anyone talks nonsense next time u can give the person the right ansa. I dey vex
Aug 03, 2011 @ 08:32:21
Hmm… This looks bad. I cannot lie. I’d suggest you let him be for now. Trust me, love can be splendid. Dont manage a bad relationship.
Oct 18, 2011 @ 08:19:51
my dear move on, this is not your own
Oct 19, 2011 @ 10:27:30
A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage – Late Pst Bimbo Odukoya used to say all the time.
Oct 19, 2011 @ 11:19:39
what i can tell you is the guy has moved on but doesnt want to end it verbally so that he wont be seen as heartless, my dear dont look for someone like him again instead look for a better person how appreciate you. God will see you through
Oct 19, 2011 @ 19:11:22
I was in the same position and like you i didn’t want to believe the relationship was over. After so much heartache and waiting for him to call or for him to pick my call i finally decided to let go, it was painful but i can tell you i’m the better for it. I currently do not have anyone but it’s better than waiting for him to see me like the treasure i am. Sister Dear pls move on. All things will definately work for your good.