Hope your week has been great so far. Mine has-to the glory of God!
I started this blog on the 1st of October 2010 (read my first ever post) and from then till now, I have received loads of messages asking for advice on relationships, walk with God in this day and age and life generally. I respond but I feel it’s better to put these questions out and see what people generally think of the situation so upon permission from the askers, I decided to start with this most recent one (names have been changed as you can understand). I’m sure we all will learn from each other’s views and experiences… Quick note: email@example.com is what works for now.
Subject: Things are not the same
We met through a mutual friend on a group trip to the US over 2008 summer. Since then, we started a long distance relationship. The popular belief is that long distance relationships are doomed to fail even before they begin but that was not the case with Timothy and I. We understood the limits we had to deal with and trust was never an issue. We decided and made conscious efforts to trust each other.
We communicated well enough and also tried to see as often as we could. He’d come to England or I’d go to the States and that is how it had been till August 2010 when we both moved back to Nigeria to start NYSC with the Batch C group in November. We planned to stay in Abuja and I believed it was finally time to reap the fruits of enduring in an ‘overseas’ romance for so long.
I was wrong. Timothy became a different person entirely. He became impatient with every little thing I did. I am not as quick as he is and I think it became even more apparent when we started being in such close proximity. He started complaining about everything I do and how slow I am-from my driving to my walking to my eating, to my thinking!
He says I am too sluggish and he does not like sluggish people around him because they ‘dull’ him. He says I don’t have business acumen that can’t I see other girls who are trying do something with their talents or are even just trading in random things like Brazilian hair, clothes etc. All these make me feel small and worthless beside him. He, on the other hand, is a high flyer.
Not only is he brilliant-his parents, though wealthy, have never had to pay a dime for his university degrees. He was on full scholarship all through his education in the US. Aside of that, he is into private IT consultancy and some other things. My point is this- he knew me and my ‘slow’ ways and it never was an issue before. Why now?
I have held on since September and to be honest, I am beginning to think I am holding on to the past, to memories of what once was. He was so affectionate and caring and loving when we were apart. But now that we are together, it seems as though all my faults are now pronounced. I think he prefers me away from him.
Do you think I should break up with him and move on with my life? I am 26 this year and though I am not one of the age-conscious girls, I just believe that if he is not the one, it will be nice to know now than later on. On the other hand, I have this fear that by breaking up with him, I’m giving up too soon and that I might never find another person like him. I have been living in pain and hurt since September and the only thing that makes me carry on is the thoughts of how good things were before and with that, I hope and pray things get better but it’s been almost a year now and still, nothing.
The only good thing is that I don’t think he cheats on me. Everything else seems bad. We both live in Asokoro and there have been weeks that we just ‘jam’ at Church and that’s it. Calls are mechanical almost as if ‘let me call, if not she will have something to say’. When we do go out, the silence gets painful and piercing. I find out about things going on with his family when he is on the phone with one of them. The other day, we were going to Cedic and he received a call from his mom, that was how I found out that his brother and his wife were relocating to Nigeria next month! I also found out through that phone call that he was quitting his service job and getting re-posted to the family business so that he can have time to focus on his own thing ‘instead of spending hours promoting and building another man’s business’, he said.
There was a time that as ideas were brewing in his head, he’d be on the phone immediately to ask my opinion. Now, I just hear about his finished plans randomly. There was a time where we would be on Skype from morning to night non-stop and sleep off on Skype, wake up on Skype. Now, communication is stressful. I have examined myself and maybe I need to be patient with him. Nothing in life is easy, I understand so maybe I need to learn resilience and perseverance through this and keep on praying for him as he might be under stress. I have been with him since 23, I know his family, they know mine but these days they seem to be withdrawing. His sister used to call me once a month when I was in the UK, now I alone do the calling. Maybe he has told them something he has not told me or maybe I am paranoid. I understand that I probably don’t sound coherent but that is exactly how I feel-confused.
Please advise me.
Let’s muse along with Molade!