Hmm, nawa oh, you mean your husband has to be buying food from the office café in the mornings. Personally, I don’t think that’s good enough. If single men do that, it understandable but a married man, nah. I think wives should take full responsibility. As a wife, you should emulate the King Lemuel’s mother who would wake up early to sort out the home. I don’t see the Proverbs 31 woman’s husband buying breakfast in the café. As for me, I shall wake up at 4:30am before he does, do a quick ‘me and God’ quiet time, cook his breakfast and prepare a packed lunch, wake him up with a kiss, we’ll pray together and then the day starts.
***
That was me 20 months ago before I met Tony. Tony and I got married 3 months ago and I am OVERWHELMED by it all. The breakfast and packed lunch plan lasted 2 weeks, okay 8 working days actually. After that, it became breakfast alone. Now, breakfast only happens twice a week. As in?!!!
Let me offer a bit of history: I have always been a hands on type of girl, typical Benin girl. It was all made ‘worse’ by the fact that my Grandma raised me. She basically taught me that no good woman should ever sit in the living room watching TV unless there is absolutely nothing to do. I mean this woman would slap me off the chair and ask me to go and dust the cupboards even after I had spent the past 3 hours cooking and cleaning. So after all these years, I am hardworking by default.
When I met Tony, I had to tone down my nature because I started looking like one of those hustler/desperado girls that would do anything to make a man see she would make a good wife. I would find my way to his house every Saturday, cook, clean and help with his washing (loading it into the washing machine o!).Then I noticed he started acting a bit funny. Omo, nobody taught me how to drop those extra duties, quickly! It took all the strength I could muster to close my eyes to the mess Tony would create. I mean I love the dude with my last breath but mehn, cleanliness and tidiness are not his strong suits AT ALL! As soon as I stopped he started complaining that I was acting like Queen Nefertiti. LOL! How come people don’t know your value until you stop doing something they usually took for granted? He would complain that I was becoming pepperless when I would sprinkle the scouring powder in the bath and hand him the brush. Hahaha! He was literally horrified. Well, truth is I know my man and I have accepted my fate that my grandma’s teachings were going to have to pay off in my home. I was doomed to the life of a super hardworking wife if I intended to have a clean home to my taste and standard.
We got married in August and things have gotten worse. Tony is so used to things being done for him, he literally cannot do anything for himself. I’m happy to work hard but it gets frustrating when I give the house a good clean only to go out with friends to be back at about 5pm and meet it in a post-war state. This is not a one-off. This is my reality. I had to sit him down and complain and I was prepared for him to start with the ‘this is how you met me’ speech. But to my shock and subsequent dismay, he said he’d add N50,000 to the monthly home running allowance so that we can hire a live-in help if I could not manage.
As a young lady, I would tell all who cared to listen that there was no way I’d get a house help so early into my marriage. In fact, I planned to get help only temporarily just for the first months of putting to bed. If I can’t run my own home now after just 3 months, how on earth would it be when the kids start coming in? Cooking, cleaning, ironing, going to the market, standing in the never ending queue at Shoprite, driving up and down, handing in proposals, preparing reports twice a week, attending meetings, travelling to Abuja, Church duties etc. It’s all too much and I am completely swamped. People glow in marriage but no! me, I’ve lost weight from a healthy 10 to an 8. Being a size 8 is good but not when you haven’t had time to shop and you’re still rocking your baggy clothes thereby making you look ill. I can’t believe I would ever say this, but if I get pregnant in the next one year, I’ll just faint!
I spoke to my aunt about it and she has devised a plan. She runs a Buka type of restaurant in Yaba and for a small fee/cost price type thing, she would supply me with Efo riro, Ofada stew, Ewedu, Bitter leaf soup, Banga, Fish stew basically, whatever I want every two weeks. I have thought and thought about this and it actually brought me to tears. After all my plans of being a proper home maker, praying in advance for the grace, I’d now have to be deceiving my husband that he’s eating home-cooked meals when I actually had it delivered! Does this not mean I can’t run my own home? Does this not mean I’m a girl and not a woman? I mean how do the other married women do it?
I am a 8-6 worker in a major hence extra busy Marketing firm. On a very great day, I get home at 6:45pm, on a typical day, I’m home by 7:30pm. On a very busy day, which we have been getting more of recently, I could be at the office till 8,9 or even 10pm! Tony is even busier as he is starting up a business with his partners. I am a neat freak and I like for people to be able to call me up and say ‘I’m 4 minutes’ away from yours’ without me having to go crazy, jumping about arranging the house’. Tony, on the other hand, can welcome anyone into his tornado-torn home and greet them with a big hug and a warm smile like his house is Buckingham Palace. He really doesn’t care and thinks I disturb myself too much. He thinks I should take it easy and that it’s okay if the plates are not washed overnight or that there is grime in the sink. I believe in hard work but it is draining me.
I thank God for my husband. He really doesn’t bother me at all and does not demand anything much from me. He is not a ‘you are a woman you must cook my meals every evening’ type of guy. In fact, he’ll happily order Yellow Chilli food for us as often as possible but I’m the one who believes this is not ideal. Tony and I were able to get a lovely 2 bedroom apartment in Oniru and I love it to be as neat and as clutter free as when we freshly moved in. I love when his friends and their wives come in and ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over how great a home maker I am. I’d hate for the standard to drop but I should be able to do it by myself because I’m a woman, I’m young (28) and I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. But it is driving me absolutely nuts!!!
I see my married friends looking happy, going to the movies together, holding hands, going for comedy shows etc. There’s even a couple that is always featured in magazines looking picture perfect going for events every other weekend. Ah mean, where do they find the time? What type of home do they go to when the evening is over? How do they juggle it all abi it’s all down to house help and Buka food?
Am I just being unrealistic by not wanting to take up Aunty and Tony’s offers? How do you married ladies do it and for the single ones, how do you plan to do it? Guys, how do you expect it done? Please, let me say this in advance, spare yourselves the ‘your husband should help you’ talk. I know my husband. He won’t physically help … much. He’ll start after much cajoling and then get carried away with football or tennis, a phone call or a work related email and I will end up doing it myself anyway. He will easily sit in a state of mess and not notice that it is messy. He thinks I go overboard by saying the room is messy when in his mind, it could not be any tidier. So my fellow MCLA readers, forget that side. The best help he can render is to empower me (by offering to pay for a help). Once upon a time, I would chide the woman who wouldn’t make hot meals for her husband each evening. I have changed my mind o! Now, I am that woman. Help!
***
Air your views guys. Muse with me!
Temiville.xoxo
Musings of a Caramel Latte Addict 
Dec 06, 2011 @ 06:05:52
Haha….ok let me not laugh…..but its a very good and realistic write-up…..
Anyone who knows me knows for a fact that I’m not a homebody!!….and I tell every and anyone (both male and female) willing to hear and listen that I hate infact scratch that absolutely detest being in the kitchen….don’t get me wrong, I can cook but being in the kitchen depresses me! And God has favoured me with the kind of guys that come my way….its either they cook and enjoy doing it or they don’t even like eating as such…. :)….
Bottom line is I’m not a fan of the ‘you musnt get a maid (I prefer to call them house managers) in the first few years’ train of thought….I WILL be getting a house manager that will visit the market on my behalf and make breakfast! I will cook for my husband, but it won’t be every night/day….
I think the best thing you can do is be true to yourself and your spouse and everything will work out….
Dec 06, 2011 @ 08:14:25
My dear,
I think that you are going to need to take a chill pill like seriously…. I can literally hear the emotions oozing out of the page, ℓ☺ℓ. Okay, seriously, you know your hubby and something I have learnt (I am still single) is that you don’t do battle on things like this. It can break a marriage.
Instead, start closing your eyes to the mess and spend quality time with him. I think you should take ur Aunty’s offer if that will help, obviously if he is happy with Yellow Chilli, then food isn’t an issue for him. This doesn’t mean don’t cook again o, just use your Aunty’s own as part of it. As for the untidiness, over time (yes over a few years) you will learn to live with some of his mess and he will learn to tidy up. Your marriage matters more than the fact that the house isn’t always tidy. Once in a while, just close ur eyes and don’t look at the mess and instead, chill and watch tv with him. And most importantly, keep praying for wisdom to do the right thing and He who holds the heart of the king in His hands will do what needs to be done.
That is my 10pence for the day, ℓ☺ℓ
Dec 06, 2011 @ 08:50:15
I can imagine what she is going through. The only way she can help herself is if she accepts that she can’t be a super hero and prioritize what she has to do. She can employ a cleaner to clean the house but still ensure she cooks her food herself.
The trick is to pick her battles wisely because right now she’s overworking herself and not getting the results she wants.
Dec 06, 2011 @ 09:06:48
I feel for you, the only difference for me is I don’t get those offers of ‘aunty’s food’ or ‘house maid’ as I live in the UK (not even London) and only the rich and or famous can afford that; but if I had that offer especially with my 2 year old son I will not just jump but fly at it…
Please I beg, get help, relax, be happy and enjoy some quality time with your husband…instead of making that tedious b/fast, a lil longer in bed getting those much needed cuddles/lie in (I know which I would choose)…go figure
Ofcourse you can’t let go of that responsibility, you have to manage it…ensure you’re in charge of what is going on in your home, but getting help is a sign of humility and not failure in my opinion
I don’t think you need to lie to him that the food is home made when it actually isn’t but let him understand it’s delivery from ‘Aunty’ to ease the burden a bit, maybe once a month or twice in 3 months so that he can still enjoy your food and also so you don’t completely forget your responsibility as a wife…from my interpretation of your husband, i don’t think he’ll mind much.
Proverbs 31 woman – “her husband calls her blessed”, my dear I am not the best of them all, but my husband sees how hard I try even if the house isn’t always clean and he calls me blessed so TICK TICK me thinks~~:-)
just through my eyes
Dec 06, 2011 @ 09:19:34
Sweetheart take it easy…I’m not married but I don’t intend to marry without getting an house help after honey moon oooo.
You are human, not a machine… and if you want to live long and healthy and still remain beautiful in the sight of your husband, you better realise that you are supposed to enjoy your marriage not turn into a junkie… with the rate at which u are going u wont enjoy time with ur husband because the little time you have you will spend it cleaning and washing and cooking…your man go get bored o
Its simple, either quit your job and work for your house eg: cooking, cleaning, pressing, etc or take the offer of the house help… either options doesn’t make you less of the great woman you are. Relax… if you die before your time another woman will marry your husband and she will come with her house help…
Life na je je
Dec 06, 2011 @ 20:49:55
Pele mam..My mom had 4 kids and growing up I noticed she made all the soups and stew during the weekend. We do it till today.. Make soup, stew and others on weekends. Then on weekdays, you can just make the eba or rice or yam or pasta when you or him come home..As for breakfast, we just eat something real quick, like she fries the egg or make toast (just something light) while my dad goes to take shower, when she is done, she prepares for work. On sundays, because we do morning devotions everyday, during the morning prayer, she put the rice on the stove top while getting us ready for church or school..If you wanna pack lunch, while not pack it the night before when you are making dinner? it doesnt have to be something fancy.
I guess everything is prioritization and dont beat yourself when you fall short. As for tidiness honestly, you have to take it easy, else you will become frustrated. Remember as our face are different so are we different. Your hubby is not so clean, so you or him maybe sweep every morining and on weekends do environmental sanitation. Just saying, cos growing up we didnt have househelp with 4 kids and 2 young aunts who were in school (university or at work).
I cant tell you how to run your home but I am just saying what I saw growing. Making the efforts is good but dont beat yourself when you cant else you will wear out easily…
Personally, I wont take the offer of any aunty that especially lives away, suppose she stays with me and we eat the food together then yea. I think if you wanna take up the offer, discuss with your hubby and try not to make it an habit. My aunty buys food from Naija restaurant when she has a get together or once in a while on weekends, just to take a break from all. You can even get them to make snacks like meat pie e.t.c, then you pack it as lunch for your hubby. So that when he eats it in addition to outside lunch meal, he remembers your effort..Just saying..As for househelp early on in marriage, its a big no no for me. I want to spend as much time alone with my hubby before we start making babies. Maybe if I am really busy especially in this country, then I can get someone to clean the house once in 1 or 2 weeks thats if we own our house. Please pray for wisdom and dont over think it, if not you will be overwhelmed and try to use your hubby’s help the slightest chance you get..
Dec 07, 2011 @ 00:43:58
For me I hate cooking doesn’t mean I can’t cook. I am married and my husband doesn’t mind too much about food. He can cook and does so whenever he has the time. If he can’t anything simple is okay. I have someone come clean the house at least once a week or more if I want. That just takes the load away. She should just chill at least get someone to clean the house for her and relax with her husband. My husband prefers we stay together and cuddle than me spending hours unending cleaning and cooking.
Dec 10, 2011 @ 16:26:27
geta maid.
in the bible God said he/she who does not provide for his . . .
so if you don’t use your brain/talent, na hell be that.
if your husband loves you and wants you to be a success, he will help or get you help, doesn’t have to be live-in.
besides men are stronger.
in your life, you come firts, not your husband or kids.
you multiply urself first e.g. kfc, heinz, etc b4 kids. so career is important.
only chauvinistic african pastors preach otherwise
Dec 10, 2011 @ 16:28:27
get a maid.
in the bible God said he/she who does not provide for his/her . . . so men and women are both potential breadwiiners
rem the parable of talent,so if you don’t use your brain/talent, na hell be that.
as ajanded babae, you don’t just work for money but to contribute to humanity e.g. vaccine, internet, epidural, etc.
if your husband loves you and wants you to be a success, he will help or get you help, doesn’t have to be live-in.
besides men are stronger.
in your life, you come firts, not your husband or kids.
you multiply urself first e.g. kfc, heinz, etc b4 kids. so career is important.
only chauvinistic african pastors preach otherwise
Dec 10, 2011 @ 16:49:32
afterall any child needs money to feed, drink, be clothed and sheltered. before the child there has to be money so don’t feel bad. you come first, then husband, then kids. sometimes it changes but rarely and that is why it is called sacrifice.
the second reason of marrriage i s kids and the main reason of having kids is so they become talented and succesful. if you don’t fulfil destiny, whats the point in raisng children of destiny?
but REM TO TRAIN YOUR BOYS and not worship them. God IS NOT PARTIAL. men adn women are equal.
being the head is an orderly arrangement. a woman can work harder or be more talented OR MORE BLESSED BY GOD than any man.
if he loves her as his family, then it is ok for him.
Dec 10, 2011 @ 17:22:41
awoman is not a servant.
she is special.
a man will NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER know how the ffg feel:
having original breasts lol
preg
delivering
breastfeeding,#
ETC
if a man loves a woman like he will love his daughter and as himself then he should help her to help herself.
women should leave the umbrella of the curse of eve and worship God not their male kids.
they should raise them like girls and the girls like boys but balance everything.
sorry for this epistles. lol. i just dey vex for all theseunrealistic expectations required of african women.
oiyinbo dey diff see ALL THEY HAVE INVENTED. they are the reason why you and me are educated today.
left to africans, ????
Dec 11, 2011 @ 23:35:11
I reckon it’s unrealistic to expect to be able to hold down a full-time job as well as cook and clean daily. Being a wife isn’t the same as being super human as such I’m all for hiring help. My sanity is more important to me than appearing perfect to anyone.
Dec 12, 2011 @ 10:13:42
My dear, you berra relax o! You need proper management skills to be a wife, working mother, house help and sex machine lol……. Seriously, u getting help doesn’t make u a failure or vulnerable. I am married with a child and no house help i live in Abuja but i have my mum send me all sorts through airlines, stew, beans, efo, ofada name it and i receive it! My hubby knows about it and he could care less as long as he eats. Every week or so u can make a home cooked meal. As for maid, you can get one that will come twice a week or even weekends only to help you clean n tidy the house. Marriage is a partnership o not slave and master relationship.
You can only fulfill your duties as a wife when you are happy as a woman! Remember, there’s no award for best wife and you can never graduate from this institution called marriage so find ways to make it work……Al the very best sweets.
Dec 12, 2011 @ 14:44:08
My dear, I’ve been married for 15 years. Cooking my husband’s meals lasted for only the first year. Once the kids started coming, I had to juggle that with a demanding job. I got a cook and domestic helps to clean so I simply supervise being a working mum. My home is always in tip top shape and the meals are ready on time as well. A woman’s got to do whatever it takes to make her home run properly. However, I must stress that this will only work if your husband is not the fussy type that’ll insist on eating only food prepared by you or nothing!
Dec 14, 2011 @ 18:55:17
I know myself, and i know i’ll need help with a househelp oh. That breakfast every day na long thing.
Adiya
Muse Origins
Muse Origins FB
Dec 15, 2011 @ 22:14:48
The others have said it all. Relax, take deep breaths and chill. A good relationship with your husband is the ultimate in any marriage not what people will say. Even in the Prov, it is what the husband and the children says about it all that caps the chapter. Take your aunt on her offer, hire a temporary or come-in help and spend more quality time with your hubby. Marriage is to be enjoyed and not stressed over.
Dec 16, 2011 @ 17:24:09
pele ooo, you could call in your neices to give you ahelping hand since you dont want househelps, thayts what my mom did, but you ae not following my blog, not fair..www.ysincerely.blogspot.com
Jan 04, 2012 @ 09:34:16
Sweetie, if your husband wanted to marry a housegirl, or the cook, he would have. He married you – an intelligent, hard-working, smart, witty, sweet, sexy, beautiful woman. It’s insulting that you now want to downplay all that God has made you to be, to be a simple housegirl or cook.
Be more concerned about being your husband life partner – someone to share his jokes, he work, his ambitions, his anxieties, his life. Your lucky you say he’s not uptight about all these things you’re worried about, so long as God blesses you with provision, you will have food to eat, believe me. Some of my best days are ones in which we had indomie or cereal for dinner but we sat and talked and laughed for hours, made love tenderly and cuddled to sleep! Relax and go with the flow.
Jan 18, 2012 @ 10:49:12
my dear, please dont die before ur time. why try to be a hero when there’s no1 chanting ur praises??? its clear that ur husband doest even mind, so how do u expect it to make a difference to him if the house is quirky or dusty. am sure it wouldnt weigh u down so much if ure being appreciated for giving him a clean life. but the thing is, he really doesnt mind.
now my advice, trust me ur husband will prefer u smelling of perfume than washing power. dont make ur marraige a slaveship for urself. how will he encourage u both to go for functions when he looks over his shoulder and sees a sweaty, tired and overworked woman? of cos not. he’ll probably feel too guilty to ask so he doesnt seem like a horrid person. you’re dimming the spark in ur relationship my dear. if possible self dont only hire a help but stick in a cook with it. he has given u that option because he will like to spend time with u. precious loving time, not living with a woman who overly nags him about cleaning and picking up after himself.
you need to study you partner and yeild to what they like the most. otherwise you’ll find yourself alone. cos sooner or later he’ll go out and seek fun and peace.
marraige is not all about how can keep a home clean the most. its about relaxing, enjoying each other’s company and growing together having fun while you’re at it.
nobody says u should not clean, but when u make cleaning you mission and clean clean clean like a robot set on a mission where is the time to have fun.
and with the way u do all the chores, and he doing nothing, here is what has happened; u seek change in your man, but ure not giving him time to change. you have to let go and he will get the message. its like going to school with no exams? and u expect me to read for promotion; i’ll ask why? wotz the point when i know i’ll be promoted without a test. i tell you, i would never pick up a book not to talk of reading it.
so if u want change, u av to give room for change.
my husband, am sure is as untidy as ur husband, and i am as hardworking as you are. and i know how frustrating it really is. i talked and talked but nothing, he even got worse to extent he was too lazy to make himself a cup of tea even if he is standing there in the kitchen, u can imagine. i felt like a house slave but because i dont want to die before my time, i reclined. i can tell you something now, we go to the market together, he cooks stew from time to time. when am tiding the kitchen he’s mopping the passage and emptying the bin or washing the bathroom(although i often times av to re-wash it but its the effort that counts). what i did is, i let go. all i did is say am tired and you know men have pride, he decided to show me he could do all these things with or without my help and in the process learned that its not all as easy as it looks. so he becomes more appreciative and helps around the house.
take all the options given; househelp, cook, driver, everything and anything. what your husband wants is quality time with you. trust me, you wont regret it.
Jan 25, 2012 @ 09:37:19
Hmm, i sympathise with ў☺ΰ. I was brought up in a home where my dad can’t even flush his own toilet after using it. As it is most of my brothers are like that too and am now used to cleaning up after men. I really hope i don’t fall for this type of guy coz marriage is a big deal and there’ll be kids and work and other distractions. Good househelps aren’t easy to find either. Just take it easy, God is in control.
Jan 26, 2012 @ 01:46:14
Actually the first paragraph of this writeup is very unrealistic. Today’s married woman can’t put up with that act for the rest of her life. It is not possible. Also, most women of today are working class and career women. It will really be hard for her to do all that every morning for the rest of her life. I think a woman should do what her strength can carry. She’s human and she’s not a programmed robot.
Jan 26, 2012 @ 08:34:27
Hahahaha… make I laugh abeg. Great piece dear, but abeg make you drink cold water, make your body cool down small!!! You are the epitome of a God fearing and good wife, please keep it up. That been said, you also have to be true to yourself for your marriage to work out. Like seriously, do you want to die before your time??? I can just imagine what you are going through. The only way you can help yourself is to accept that you are not superwoman. You are human so act like one and be happy! Take your Aunty’s offer and retain your sanity. Best wishes dear.
Jan 31, 2012 @ 21:38:32
Huh.,,,,Pele…. My own case was almost the opposite….. My husband is almost an OCD…. he like his home looking arranged …. i was a careless kind of person… After our wedding,, my dear, we quarelled over not cleaning and arrangement but mehn….. after 2months, i learnt…. my house is always spotless now…Sweetly, i know it is not easy, but it is not right collecting soup from outside buka…..Make your stew and soup once a month, dish them into smaller portion and into bowls and freeze them,, Once you bring one out, never put them back into the freezer cos it will loose its taste, rather put them into the fridge……Honestly i think you have the power to talk to your man not nagging….we woman has that thing, you ought to teach him how to clean after himself.
Feb 03, 2012 @ 18:37:30
lol….i have laughed my heart out. the joys/ills of being married.