*Cleaning the cobwebs*
Hey people!
In fact, I don’t have words. Lol! I have been so busy you would not even understand! Busy with work, busy with personal sturvz. Anyways, it’s good to be back here. I have so much to report lol.
There’s a new commenter on BN who goes by Temi. It’s not me oh! LOL!!! Please because someone commented recently and said something like, ‘Temi for the first time I disagree with you’ and it was clear that there was a bit of confusion because we have two things in common: we look at issues from a Biblical point of view and we make loooong comments lol. The difference is that I have my picture on BN and also I don’t respond to replies to me unless a specific question is asked. I just thought to clear that up hehehe…
Now to the story of the day, please lemme know what your thoughts are here and yes, it is real.
God bless you all… I’m sooo late for work!!!
***
He hit me the first time. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it. But then I dismissed it. I must have angered him by comparing him with Deji, my brother who is a year younger than him but has since graduation been working and is doing well. I thought to myself: I would be tempted to slap my sister if she said such too and so it was not such a big deal that he had hit me. The next time he hit me. I had done nothing wrong. I had said nothing wrong. I was only late in picking up his sister up from the cinema. He is not my husband just a boyfriend of 3 years and I don’t know where I would start from if we broke up, so I forgave him…again.
I cannot say the three years have been blissful, I think we look good together. Darn, everyone thinks we look good together. So I keep up with the pretense that all is well. He has no job. He wants to set up a business. He has been wanting to set up a business for 18 months to no avail. There is a saying: man no work, man no chop. Well, not in his case. He has no work but his monthly pocket money is more than what some earn in a year. He has a car to himself which he did not contribute a dime to.
He comes from a wealthy background so money is no issue. His ‘real’ family home is a mini palace in Accra. In Nigeria, his parents own another mini palace in Ojodu where his 2 siblings and an aunt in live. His parents come over one weekend every month. He rents a flat in 1004. His parents are an elderly couple and seem so peaceful and in love. It is hard to imagine him to be their offspring when he gets angry.
I have prayed and prayed and even fasted about this issue. I discussed it with my friends. You see, I have two best friends (cousins) who are as different as night and day. Anne thinks I should manage. No relationship is perfect, she insists. Her mom gets occasionally slapped around by her dad and in all reality, she’d rather be slapped by a man that apologises with all expense paid trips to Dubai and St Tropez than be loved day and night by a broke nobody. Marrying Tayo was a good way to secure my future as his parents’ wealth, even if they stopped making money today, was still adequate to ensure we lived a very lavish life when we marry. T0kunbo gets disgusted when Anne speaks. She wonders how she ended up with such a materialistic cousin. Tokunbo maintains that I leave Tayo and that if I’m not careful, one day, he will end up killing me. I hope she’s wrong.
I love Tayo and when he’s being himself, he’s the sweetest ever. He’s prayerful. Reads the Bible every morning and my prayer is that God will work on his heart. Didn’t the Bible say that the heart of the king is in the hand of the Lord and like a river of water, He can direct it as He pleases?
I’ve done all in my powers to show him I’m a loving, lovely girl and that he should appreciate me. I would go to his house as often as I can manage and cook and clean. A lot of the times, he shows so much appreciation, he even took me out to have dinner for a whole week to say thank you for all my effort-every night from Monday to Friday! On Friday, I forgot to pick up his sister and I got the most recent slap. The sister of whom we speak is not an infant, neither is she a toddler. She is a grown 19 year old who drives and is old enough to call a cab or find her own way from the cinema.
Now, here is my dilemma: inasmuch as I would like to be the ‘strong woman’ and up and leave, I am finding this difficult as not only am I in love with and love Tayo, I’m also used to him. Also, a lot of people would love to see us throw in the towel and though I know this is a bad reason to hang on, I’m really determined to prove that ‘we made it!’. Despite all these, Tayo is a born again Christian who aside of the pressures here and there, has left me sexually untouched in all our three years together. This is rare, trust me. In addition, I have met his entire clan and they like me. He has met mine and they like him (no one knows about the beatings).
If you were in my heels, would you leave him?
Musings of a Caramel Latte Addict 
Nov 18, 2011 @ 07:27:12
you leave immediately.don’t think twice about it or the next time as your friend rightly said,it might be incapacitation or death.
Nov 18, 2011 @ 07:27:33
I know this lady knows what to do. It doesn’t take a gypsy with a crystal ball to tell her the future. If she wants the so called family money she should stay be battered beaten and bruised physically n otherwise. If she wants self worth and fulfilment she should bounce, fix herself and seek a loving relationship with someone who will value her.
Frankly I don’t know how women date men without jobs. I mean I can’t work it.
Nov 18, 2011 @ 07:33:57
It worries me when people say if they end a bad relationship they won’t know where to start from. God forbid but just what if this guy drops dead now? My sister had to end a bad relationship because the guy was just pure evil, she was almost 30 but she took the plunge. She got married this year at 31. You just never know what is round the corner. If the guy has displayed all these traits before marriage, then you have all the signs, you can’t blame anyone if you end up in a domestic violence situation.
Please please please, end this relationship, someone who values you, a real man will come along. You don’t want to get married to a wife beater.
Please go to this link and read the true story of someone who would make the same plea to you if she met you now.
http://www.kunbibalogun.com/?p=712
Nov 18, 2011 @ 08:00:32
I’m with Cousin Tokunbo on this one! Leave before he kills you….there’s no age that is too old to start again. This has more to do with the changing and renewing of our mindsets…. Society has made us believe that once you reach a certain age and have not achieved certain things, you are deemed a failure….
Far from it! God is never late and His time is always on the mark!
like mocha said the lady knows she ought to leave but society ‘eyes’ will not let her….funny thing is this same society will be the ones to criticise her should Tayo eventually kill her….
My two pence!xxx
Nov 18, 2011 @ 08:05:00
Like Mocha said, this lady knows what to do and nobody needs to tell her. until the day she makes up her mind to leave, she’ll just keeping giving excuses for the beatings and abuse. I’ve been down that road before and i know the makeups are really somethingelse. the guy loves her no doubt but for me that’s a sick kinda luv cos he just wants to OWN her.The only way out is prayers. Prayers for the courage and the strength to walk out, cos it won’t be easy.My relationship was for 4years (and it was my first). it took 21days fasting and prayers for me to summon enough courage to say “enough is enough”!!!
Nov 18, 2011 @ 08:07:25
Disclaimer: Abeg no vex oh, this is a topic dear to me, so my response is more like a post.. I will be straightup with this lady, I do not mean to offend you in anyway.
I was once you (kinda similar) and you know what i did, I ran for my life..When I was running, I made sure my toes were reaching my forehead..Dubai ko dabur toothpaste ni..Is it only material things that matter in a marriage?
Honey your BF isnt a christian straightup. Havent you heard the devil knows the bible in and out thats why he could tempt Jesus..Dont let the fasting, praying and holiness fool you.It just a cover up to to distract you from the character .If he is really reading and practising his bible, then he will be modelling what christ did to the church to you even before marriage. Please where in the bible did you see Christ slapping is members? I dont think there is any..Okay relationship/courtship is the dress rehearsal before the marriage (Unknown). I am trying to say, whatever cant be dealt with right now will only get worst during marriage (Married friend, 2011)..
Lady, quit trying to be Jesus, you are not Jesus, open your eyes, Jesus is showing you stuffs. I dont know why we ladies sometimes think we can be saviours. I dropped that mentally oh. Only Jesus fasted and prayed and was able to change people. As for me and you, ours is to pray and trust God will do something. But How long can you wait till he change? Please 3 years cant be compared to premature death or 70years of a miserable marriage. The apologies and trips and stuff will only last for a while..
Another thing is that this dude is already treating you like he owns you..First off, he doesnt own anything. Your story clearly shows he has no foresight of where he is going and is still living on parental assistance. A decent man should be able to take advantage of that assistance and build himself not try to control people with it.. You deserve so much better and until you know your worth, you will continue making excuses of why you shouldnt leave him. Why dont you work hard, build yourself/brand which will propel you to make money that could attract decent normal money man to you? -_-
No offence but that thing you are experiencing is not love oh, it is stupidness..It is that same stupidness and silly thinking of I am a saviour aka Jesus, that has destroyed so many women and men today.. You better run now that you are seeing things.. If you decide to stay, I bet you, it is a cycle and it will only take the grace of God to deliver you from it because of the feeling of helplessness and shame..lways follow your spirit, it will never lead you astray and I bet you, a good christian man dont act like an abuser in training..just saying..
Oh for the cousin whose mama gets occasional slaps, its very unfortunate that your cousin has conformed to the mindset of the slapping is ok.. Why dont you dare to be different? its your life…Do whatever you feel its right but dont say you didnt see the fat smelling big red flag smiling at you in this relationship..
If you also claim to be a christian, I will advise you change that your prayer point of lord change him and his heart is in your hands because the prayer isnt working rather you are getting more slaps so I guess that sums up God’s answer to you.. If the guy decides to change, good for him and let the lucky lady enjoy him but as for you stop waiting for the change that dont seem to come. Rather spend time to love yourself and discover who you are in Christ..
When I went through similar situation, I was doing prayer and fasting of lord change him and make me a better person. Ol girl, thats when the dude showed his true colors, God did change him from the sheep he appeared to me to bring out the real wolf. So, my pastor gave me a simple prayer point which simply says, “Father, if its your will that I be with this guy, establish this relationship. If not then cause us to go our seperate ways and heal our hearts.. And guess what? that prayer worked and I believed God to do it..I am much better than before..
But madam, leaving isnt easy like I always say, it needs a plan and God’s grace and guidance…Dont leave like a smoker who randomly quits smoking because you will go right back to him..So whatever you do, be ready to be accountable and consistent…
You can check out this link, it speaks so much truth http://marshill.com/media/religionsaves/dating
Temi, sorry for taking up so much space..ejo shanu fu mi o..
Nov 18, 2011 @ 08:12:33
Sorry one more thing, dont let the whole abstinece fool you oh, you are already helping him get those endorphins via the slaps you get..so there goes no touching..
Nov 18, 2011 @ 09:02:56
wow @unveilinggold you have said it all so much insight from your post i have been in such a situation and i bless God for the day i walked out it was not with my head up but either ways i looked back and i am so so happy
Nov 18, 2011 @ 08:35:25
temi is back!! i have missed your posts *sigh*.. 😀
Usually, I would say straight up that this lady should just get up , pack her bags and leave but the thing about her story is that it is more confusing than the usual “my bf beats me up” story.
is it possible that her bf has a dark side he is also fighting to control. From all other indications he seems like a good guy.
has anyone seen the Ben carson movie? is it possible that he might have the bad temper Ben had when he was younger?
I just want to see more comments coming from people that have read this story deeper.
I think she should try talking with him first to understand whether its a problem or he just doesn’t want to treat her right. She should also talk to one of his family members about it. At least for the love she has for Tayo, she should find out if it is something he also needs help to deal with..
We all have our dark sides. Some women get very angry easily and raise their voices at their boyfriends. Some ladies have drinking and smoking habits. I know beating a girl is a very terrible thing to do but he may be having serious anger issues (just like Ben Carson). Its the second time he has hit her in 3yrs, she should find out why.
The bigger issue i have with him tho is the fact that he is LAZY. If you want to marry someone wealthy, please make sure he is smart too. If in 3yrs, he has not been able to do something useful with himself that’s a major issue.
When you are sure he is not willing to be useful or admits he has anger issues, darling, pack all your fancy clothes in your fancy luggage and FLEE. a DUMB guy will squander his parent’s wealth and you might end up dead before you know it.
Nov 18, 2011 @ 08:59:38
yes i will leave him of course i will give him space for God to work on his heart whilst God works on mine >>> to be honest you deserve more there is no reason befitting for a partner to raise his or her hands to hit the other.
sex before marriage is not acceptable particularly in christian relationships
if you are under pressure to have sex before marriage with someone that claims to love you , then my dear there is fire on the mountain run run run >>> it is a big big fire run run run
and finally thanks ever so much Temi,
You are blessed may God anoint your tongue and your heart afresh with fresh oil to continue this work.
you are blessssssssssssssssssssssssed ❤
Nov 18, 2011 @ 09:28:56
pls leave immediately it’s not in your place to change him. Laziness is not acceptable neither is girlfriend battery. If you want to pray for him do it from afar. Like Mocha has already said you know what to do.
Nov 18, 2011 @ 09:50:49
TEMI, i always checked ur blog day & night for new post. thank God u are back.. I agree with Mocha & unveillinggold, they ve said all. Broken courship is better than broken marriage oooo. Nkan ti eniyan oni gba lolowo. talaka leniyan ti man ko.(what i will nt accept wen am rich, i will rather start rejecting it wen am still poor). wish u luck
Nov 18, 2011 @ 10:05:10
Ephesians 4:21-24, since you have heard all about him and have learned the truth about Jesus, throw off your old evil nature and your former way of life which is full of lust & deception . instead there must be spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes. you must display a new nature because you are new person, created in God’s likeness-righteous, holy and true. so my dear ur BF is nt a born again Christian and he needs to grow up and get a job, the bible those nt condone laziness. stop thinking with your emotions and use your head to do the right thing.
Nov 18, 2011 @ 10:35:13
Walk away dear…..unless the slaps (which will soon graduate to beatings) are what you wish for in your future.
@Temi, your time out was a bit long that some of us thot ud given up on musing….lol
Nov 18, 2011 @ 11:12:36
My initial and gut response is to leave him full stop, if he is right for you doing this will not mean you will lose him but prayerfully surrender him and your relationship to God to change that part of him. If you marry him now it will only get worse.
Wisdom Key “What you tolerate you cannot change”
I know you have forgiven him over and over again, this is Christ like. But he needs to know and see that hitting you is not right under any circumstance. This should not be tolerated or endured. He may not realise its effect and needs to know. The bible admonishes in “Matt 18:15
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother (KJV)”. His repentance and submission to God along with your prayerful support might be all he needs.
I am glad he respected you for the past 3 years and can understand what you mean with regards to Christian brothers and sex. I have been told by some that it is their way of testing you and they don’t mean it (THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE). I was reminded of a scripture that admonishes us that we would be responsible if we led our brothers to sin and encourage the act means the same. You may have been the stronger one in the relationship to stand for what is right and gave God the honour He deserves. If you do marry this brother make sure that you have truly forgiven him for this and don’t carry this into the marriage it has a way of creeping up.
There will be several voices and advise but what I would suggest is to listen to the still small voice within put emotions, sentiments aside because God will not force you but will prompt you within. Please do not play the blame game of finding reasons to justify why he slapped you. No reason can justify this act. It means he isn’t a ready vessel and needs your prayers. (We all need prayers as we are all working towards perfection)
3 years may seem long but are you looking for the marriage He has ordained that would last as long as he tarries or one that ends in separation, bitterness and divorce. If he isn’t the one, don’t worry. You might not be aware but your Mr Right is around the corner and might already be someone in your network whom your unaware about and will be revealed ones Mr Wrong leaves.
My conclusion of the matter is this the answer you need is within, Listen to what Daddy has to say and obey.
Nov 18, 2011 @ 14:01:33
Yes I would. Tayo is a born again christian but is not exhibiting the fruits of the Spirit. Love is not easily angered, you are not a baby for him to be beating u up. I understand where u come from o, u’ve been with him for 3yrs and all. But that does not mean u should tolerate what is going on. I understand you have prayed and fasted, but he might not be the will of God for u. God did not design men to beat women, so that alone should tell u something is not right somewhere. So I advice u leave him for now, let him work on his self. Still pray for him, but get urself out of the situation. God wants the best for u. 🙂
Nov 18, 2011 @ 15:44:20
my advise is she should leave him. when some one doesn’t realize he has a problem nothing can change that. the guy doesn’t seem to understand that he has a problem. and then why will she want to date a guy that doesn’t work. is she reading to be with someone like that for the rest of her life.
http://www.secretlilies.blogspot.com
Nov 18, 2011 @ 17:56:35
Hiya Temi!
Serzly, like deep down, babe knws wat she want for herself. She shld b frank with herself n check that the main reason she’s stickin wit this is nt cos of d uncertainty of how long she’d av to wait to get anoda (good) man, wealthy enuf to take care of her(or wit a wealthy family)… Cos to me, it appears that’s wat she has allowd to blind her alredi.
If she dint av wat pple wil say to think abt, or wat I stated above to worry abt, will she stil b in d relationship?!
We r nt even told the dude is seekin help on d issue. It doesn’t matter muCchhh to him. She’d like to do some backgrd check on d guy’s parents, who knws if d dude’s mum gets spankd occassionally. #jussaying
Taking steps towards a change wnt b easy, bet..she’d b glad in d end if she does d ryt thing.
@Unveilinggold, ur second reply was jus nt nice! Lol@ the slapping givin him endorphines, so ther goes no touching.
Ki Olorun ma sho wa!
Nov 18, 2011 @ 19:16:16
The reason for slapping you the second time says it all……You have become “their” housegirl…………….a slave to survival instead of the champion of purpose….think twice babe
Nov 18, 2011 @ 22:50:07
Pls listen and leave……
God will help us all.
Nov 19, 2011 @ 08:02:12
I will not only leave I will run!
Nov 19, 2011 @ 12:14:13
I WONT STAY, YES ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS BUT MY DEAR NA FROM CLAP E DEY ENTER DANCE OH! GO WHILE YOU CAN, IF HE REALLY LOVES YOU HE WONT LAY A FINGER ON YOU
Nov 19, 2011 @ 15:17:43
@ Unveiling gold, you have said it all.
A guy should never lay his hands on a woman no matter how much he is provoked. The more you make excuses for him, the more you are moving far away from reality. Girl, you need to wake up and smell the coffee, you are not even married to this guy and he’s treating you like this, and yet you are still defending his actions.
It’s possible that you come from a background of domestic violence, and that has affected your orientation, you need to change that mindset. Tayo is not born-again, if he is, he won’t be be acting the way he is. This is not about fasting and praying for God to change his heart, dis is about doing what is right. Get out of this relationship immediately, you deserve much more.
Nov 19, 2011 @ 15:20:58
@ mimshac, i think you misunderstood what the girl said. She was actually praising Tayo that he hasn’t touched her before. They are not having sex
Nov 21, 2011 @ 20:45:23
I just nominated you for the versatile blogger award because you’re amazing haha! Check my page for details 🙂
Nov 22, 2011 @ 21:54:31
I will up and leave. I no fit shout abeg.
naijabankgirl.blogspot.com
Nov 24, 2011 @ 11:03:09
i shall not explain why or what could happen as everyone else has but im sure it helps to hear this again. RUN FOR DEAR LIFE .RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN . It may be hard in the beginning after the breakup but God will make things better and trust me time heals all wounds. Plan and envision how you’re going to cope and eventually begin to enjoy your single-hood because yes there is life after that man.
Nov 24, 2011 @ 14:28:51
everyfins practically been said in-to-to….but all in all, she needs not run alone but she needs the grace and quality time to heal and let God lead her on the path to the right kinda love….
Nov 27, 2011 @ 22:43:23
I think you should leave, money is an object, and God will bless you with prosperity, He says that all the silver and gold are MINE! Money shouldn’t motivate you. The fact that he is a born again christian shouldn’t motivate you as well because he is beating you. You should leave him as quickly as you can before you are no longer able to bless us with your words. The next time can get out of hand because you slammed the door too hard, whatever the situation may be, there is no amount of money worth your life. The only one you should lay your life on the line for is Jesus Christ not a wealthy man.
Nov 30, 2011 @ 06:02:51
Thanks hun for stopping by and leaving this comment. It’s so complete…can’t add anythin to it.xoxo
Nov 29, 2011 @ 08:22:27
Wateva decision u take, make sure u wud b happy with d consequences n u mite nvr get a 2nd chance. U know a million n one guys out there who wud appreciate u. U knw wat u worth, u knw who u are. Y put up with som1 who can’t manage his anger n he calls himself a man. I definitely go with tokunbo.. He s a douche..
Nov 29, 2011 @ 12:30:32
Stay. Stay and get beaten anytime he feels like throwing a fit….stay and live with wounds and bruises all over your body….stay and watch him kick the pregnancy out of your belly…stay and watch him beat the life out of your kids….stay and let him punch the life out of you in the event that his parents do not will their wealth to him….
he’s born again and believes in God?…he has done well…even the demons believe and tremble!
I’m waiting for the day technology will allow us flog people online…cos i feel like adding mine quota to his beatings!
Nov 30, 2011 @ 05:59:25
LOL!!!! Hahaha Iya Oloja ejoooo ema beat o. Lol!!!
Nov 29, 2011 @ 12:31:50
*my quota
Dec 05, 2011 @ 10:15:28
pls girlfriend i wld advice you to leave him…slapping you cld generate to beatings and u deserve much more. if you insist on praying for him do it from afar…i know is difficult to walk away when we say we love someone who maltreats us.
Jun 02, 2012 @ 14:42:06
Eeyah! Dear girl. I feel for you but also fear for you. My fear for u is tht u r not totally frank with ursef and u don’t hv ur priority right and neither does ur cousin Anne. U shld save up wht is left of ur dignity, errtin seems to be all wrong. I think u r the problem not Tayo. U r the one putting up with a lot of shit & for wht reasons? A word is enuf 4 the wise.
Jul 12, 2012 @ 13:31:15
he beat me, i stayed for over 10 years, i cldnt leave, today hes married to someone else and hid it from me for 4 months cos d girl doesnt stay in nigeria, i was still with him those 4 months. stupid and foolish me. leave now, trust me he wont stop hitting u.
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