PS: These are the true, uninhibited ramblings of my over/hyper active mind. So excuse any disjointedness.
Those who know me well will know I actively SHY away from giving friends my opinion on their partners or even prospects. If you ask me what I think. I’ll never say, ‘Oh yes you are right Nduka is pathetic’ or ‘you should dump Omolara’. That’s not my way. I am diplomatic yet I will tell you the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If you tell me you have a stingy bingy for a boyfriend, I won’t tell you to break up with him but I’ll let you see the good and the bad sides of the situation. I think I learned that from studying law and solving those problem questions; ‘always look at both sides’, they insisted. However, unlike a law paper, I would not come to a conclusion after weighing the pros and cons. I’d leave that to you.
There are two truths I have gathered over the years:
1. Most people who seek advice already know what EXACTLY they want to do so they are seeking affirmation.
2. The smaller group consists of the genuinely confused who just want someone to help them decide.
Inasmuch as it is tempting to help them decide, I know that this is a very risky path to tow so I don’t. I just tell you the pros and the cons, you decide. Well, yesterday, I went against what I am wont to doing. I actually gave a piece of my mind. I said it outright…
Now, there is this friend of mine, let’s call her Ifeoma. Ifeoma is 26 and is working in Shell. Ifeoma is single. She was invited to her friend’s church Bible study one Wednesday where she met a young man, Ugo. Ugo is 34 and also single. Sounds good so far right? Well, no. The guy, obviously given his age and all, is very much eager to settle down and according to her, she made the mistake of giving him her BB pin. She wished she had just given her number then she could decide if she wanted to pick calls or not instead of the incessant/annoying BBMs she receives almost on an hourly basis: ‘good morning’, ‘are you awake?’, ‘Have you eaten?’, ‘What did you eat?’, ‘Are you asleep?’ and most annoyingly, ‘what are you doing right now?’. She found him very pushy and too forward and all these just made it clear to her that it wasn’t worth it. Well, truth is those are really lovely messages to get from someone you care about or that you even liked not someone you meet days ago and were just getting to know. In that case, it is just annoying.
Now, Ifeoma is a very fun girl but at first I thought she was exhibiting the good ol’ trait in women: dismissing over-nice guys. Yes, we all do that. When a guy is all nice and caring, we feel he is boring and desperate and would rather someone who doesn’t jam our phone lines with calls and texts and BBMs and email messages (yes, some guys are persistent!) Well, his persistence began to grate on her nerves. According to her, he would say, ‘tell me all about you. I want to know everything’ then go off to interrupt her a million times (what is it with us Nigerians an unashamedly interrupting people by the way?). Dude, if you just relax and give it time, you would know a whole lot.
After 2 meetings, he even asked her to call his mom on her birthday. As what? She wondered. I wondered too. At 26, Ify is not exactly a kid. She is ripe for marriage and all but when this issue was raised with our other two friends, they felt she was being unreasonable and she should be a bit more ‘accommodating’ since the guy is ‘nice’ and since time is not on her side. I thought and said otherwise! You should not manage a situation simply because you feel under pressure and neither should you date a person out of pity or because they are ‘nice’ or because ‘you are getting old’. They share nothing in common and his sense of humour is a bit off. The things that make him roar in laughter just make her go, ‘hmmn’. She never EVER looks forward to spending time with him and would happily be with us in one of our homes with no electricity, recycling old gists than go to Ice cream factory or even to see a movie with him! She has even tried dragging one of us on one of their ‘dates’. That’s how much she dreads being alone with him. So, my good people, why should you banish yourself to a lifetime of ‘coping’ when you could actually enjoy a good marriage if only you chill , wait on God’s promise and build yourself up whilst you wait?
God has promised those who love Him and obey Him a good home. I don’t think we should endure people and get into relationships that are going nowhere simple out of desperation.
On the other hand, we hear tales from our wise old mothers which summarise thus: never marry a man you love more than he loves you’. So does this mean it’s okay for Ify to settle with this dude just because he’s really into her even though she is not in any way interested? Note: he is actually a decent guy, it appears he loves God( I say ‘appears’ because these, days, you never know), goes to Church, has an ok job and clearly loves his family to bits BUT she’s not feeling the boy.
What thinkest thou? Would you settle for (or encourage your sister to settle for) a very nice guy you/she’s are not into?
Muse with me…