These days, I have been quizzing you guys asking you ‘what would you do?’. Today, I’ve got another question to throw at you. But before I do so, I’d just to say a big ‘Thank you’ for all your lovely messages when I was ill and also for all your comments on Lanre! and the AS hooking up with another AS. I see them all and will reply each person. Amira, thanks for your constructive words on my writing, lol. It really helped me in writing ‘Lanre!’ and I was glad to read that you enjoyed it. Thanks girl!
Now to the matter at issue! A friend of mine, let’s call her Lolu, has troubles understanding that it is not necessary to ‘check up’ on her partner. She does not attribute this to not trusting him but cannot help herself. She checks EVERYTHING! From BB messages to texts and if she gets the chance, to Facebook messages. I got intrigued by this and I applied what I learned in Law to her. I decided to probe into her thought processes and attempt to understand what it is that propels her to do this in order to know how ‘The Other’ thinks (thanks to Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, Edward Said and Simone de Beauvoir who used the idea of ‘The Other’ to explain loads, please don’t get me started!)
Anyways, back to Lolu: Temi, it’s not about lack of trust, it’s about staying a step ahead and knowing wassup’, she said in self-defence. According to her, she was a ‘big fool’ in her last relationship because she trusted her partner implicitly and by the time the truth was unveiled, he had been dating two of them at the same time for quite a while and she had absolutely no clue! And both with the same degree of seriousness. According to her, no matter what anyone told her, she was your dutiful Proverbs 31 woman, submissive and obedient. She would ignore warnings and started practising what she would be doing in marriage which 100% standing beside her man no matter what. She was very respectful to him, honouring him and blah BUT she ended up being cheated and in a bad way too. The only thing that gave her a form of respite is that the dude ended up with neither of them. *No woman wants to know that the other is better than her*
This then leads me to wonder, is it ok to ‘snoop’ on your partner? Is it a sign of lack of trust or like Lolu would say, ‘taking wise precautions?’ If it is okay to snoop, when will this end? When he proposes or she accepts your proposal? When you get married? 5 years into the marriage? Never? What really is trust sef? I’d define trust as getting three phone calls that your husband is presently in the arms of another woman but you knowing that it must be a mistake and maybe it’s just someone that looks like him. Trust is knowing that he or she would do what they say they would do. Trust gives you peace of mind. Believe me, not trusting a partner and snooping on them is a full time job and a mighty difficult and emotionally tasking one at that not to mention, addictive, you just won’t stop!
But, if you truly trust your partner, would you ignore warnings of three random people telling you he/she is not clean or will you investigate knowing that in the mouths of two or more, a matter shall be established?
Just so I give a bit of my thoughts, I believe what you look for, you will find. I believe I am not simply trusting him but the God in him. I believe if you keep praying to God to keep him strong in the midst of temptations (for they definitely will arise), God will heed your request. I believe no matter how much you ‘have your grips on’ a guy and keep your eyes on him, checking all his messages and even tapping his phone, if he will cheat, he will cheat. I believe no amount of looking beautiful, slim, put together can stop a man from cheating on you (I’m sure Eva Longoria will back me up here). I believe no matter how much you buy your girlfriend things and try to be a correct boyfriend, if she will misbehave, she will (yes, girls mess up too). I believe if you are with a good person that you have prayed about and got your green lights before saying ‘yes’ or asking her out, you should generally have no reason to snoop but like we all know, life is hardly black and white. There are some greys/grays and it is to these we turn.
You’ve been with your partner for 5 months. Relatively, you trust them but recently, they have been going out to receive calls or even ignoring some calls. They never leave their phones hanging around. One day, they forget! Finally, you get your golden opportunity to find out what’s going on. They use an iPhone or a BB which means their whole life is on that little gadget. You look to your left and then to your right. They have definitely gone far. *beep beep* a message come through. Do you use that opportunity to pick up the phone and scroll through every message or do you practice trust and ignore the phone?
What thinkest thou? Let’s get to musing!
On a random note, I have been following the Anni Dewani murder in South Africa and the story gives me the chills mehn. I’m hoping her husband Shrien really did not murder her, in which case, the poor man must be going through double hell of first losing a new bride and now being accused of plotting her murder. But if it turns out he did! Ahh! That would be some serious ‘Nkan Be’ sturvz.
Here’s a picture of her. She was so beautiful…
That’s all folks (for now)