November 6, 2012
October 31, 2012
How are you doing? So much is happening around the world and even here in our precious country, Nigeria. From flooding to bombings to all sorts of insecurity here and there. Even in the US, Sandy is not smiling and I hear it’s gradually finding its way to the West Coast. I saw pictures on Daily Mail and I was weak. I pray God protects everyone all around the world from all scourges they might be facing-Flooding, Hurricane, Suicide Bombing, False Accusation etc. God help us all. Amen.
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Let’s take a stab at this guys!
“I’ve been dating this guy for 11 months and it has been all kinds of amazing, all shades of beautiful. He is decent, respectful, caring, nice, friendly. He is from my town in Imo state (a big deal if you’re from my family). I genuinely think I have kissed the last frog and he is the Prince I have been waiting for BUT there is one issue: he is so unforgiving and vindictive.
Whilst he was ‘toasting’ me and we were in the tell-me-about-you phase, he mentioned this to me, stating that it is a struggle he was battling with but that he finds it hard to forgive anyone who offends him. He also mentioned that it is the little things not the big things that tick him off. Subconsciously, since that day, I have been walking on eggshells around him. I censor my jokes. I hardly kid around him and I try to be proper. These are not big deals so I didn’t mind. I tell lewd jokes anyways so change in that area of my life is welcome.
A few weeks ago, I went out with him and his friends and watched him blatantly ignore a particular guy all through. In the car as we left, I asked him about it. To my utter amazement, I discovered that the guy he was ignoring all through was not even a random guy but was his cousin who had offended him 5 years ago by being rude to his mom. He was drunk that day and got rude, not only to my boyfriend’s mom but also to her sister who is his own mother. The next day, he had come over to apologise, beg, prostrate and my boyfriend’s mom had long since forgotten about it but not my boyfriend who vowed never to have anything to do with him. He boycotted his cousin’s wedding in February this year and blatantly acts like he doesn’t exist.
In my attempt to be a good wifey, I said, ‘babe, don’t you think that’s ungodly and not good enough? You should forgive him o. You are blood’. The response I got from him shocked me to my core and even as I type this up, I am still reeling in disbelief. ‘Look here, my friend, if you ever mention this matter again, you will not like the outcome. Stay out of what does not concern you.’ No one taught me how to go mute. I was shocked at his obstinacy. I was hurt by his words to me. All the way from VI to Ogudu where I live, we spoke not one word. He dropped me and just said ‘take care’ and zoomed off. It was me that called him the next afternoon to say ‘how are you?’ as the silence was killing me. The conversation was short.
I then read an article about giving guys space and not being too clingy or trying too hard so I decided not to get in touch with him till he does so. I even went as far as planning to ignore his first few BBMs or calls, whichever came before finally responding. I never got the chance. I didn’t contact him throughout Monday and neither did he contact me. Tuesday same. Wednesday same. On Wednesday, I decided to update my status and be dramatic bewailing the death of an ‘uncle’ I never knew that well. I put this up: Death where is thy sting, Uncle not you! and changed by dp to a lighted candle on a black background. My boyfriend ignored it. On Thursday at about 3pm, I couldn’t take it anymore and I called him. He didn’t pick at first. I called back a minute after and he picked. I told him how I was feeling and he reminded me of a few things:
1. He had told me in advance he hardly forgives;
2. This cousin extra hurt him because the wrongdoing was on a family member-people he does not mess with. To make matters worse, it was on his mother;
3. I butted in on something that does not concern me daring to preach to him; and
4. Did I not think that other people would have tried to settle this all these years? Who do I think I am to be telling him what is godly!
I stood there stunned. All I could say was, ‘I didn’t know. I am sorry’. We eventually ‘made up’ and carried on as normal but I just cannot shake the episode off.
The way he can keep malice with a family member with which he once was tight bothers me. Who then do I think I am to escape his lingering venom? I suspect he is the type who can live in the same house with someone for years and never speak with them. The sad part is that I really like him and aside of this, he is almost perfect.
Another side of me argues, can anyone really be perfect? Even I have my own problems. Does that then mean I should be discarded immediately? Should I pray and fast for his change? Or should I just realise this battle is not mine to fight and walk away because I might one day be a recipient of his unforgiving nature?
What do you think people?
January 21, 2012
I’ll be getting married on the 3rd Saturday in May to a man I am not in love with.
An ideal romantic, I have always believed in love. I looked forward to being swept right off my feet by Prince Charming. I’m the type who would weep over a love tale well told and cheer as the couple in the movies kiss and live happily ever after.
Now, however, after a really bad relationship and 28 years in the bag, I have realised that that feeling of being in love is overrated and is the final and most negligible consideration in looking for a mate. Any guy I loved never loved me back to the degree I loved. They were bad guys, sharp guys that special kind of fine guys. It never lasted. Most relationships I have been in, I have been the 70% giver, while I’d make do with whatever measly 30% the other party offered now and then. I’d lap it up like a thirsty kitten, grateful for the occasional love thrown my way.
Bode was the worst of them all. Everyone warned me against him, even his sister who loved me as her own. I stayed with him for 26 months of my life and even when we split, it was he who did the breaking up. He had cheated and cheated, it got to the point that I was now grateful to be called or visited. I stopped checking his phones because I knew what exactly I would find there and I could not bear the pain anymore. I would complain and scream and he will get mad at me for snooping on him and eventually, I would be the one apologising for not ‘trusting him enough’.
I would purpose in my heart to break up with him but find myself staying on the minute I heard his voice and he talked that talk to me. He turned me into a shadow of myself. I became a crazed out girl keeping tabs on his every move. I’d go out weekends with him just to ensure he does not hook up with any other girl. I’d randomly show up at his because I heard a lady’s voice in the background when I called. Eventually, he did the breaking up himself telling me he doesn’t deserve me. I never thought I’d beg a guy to stay with me but I did. I begged Bode, told him I wasn’t complaining. I even told him that I understood that because we are age mates he might feel the need to spread his tentacles and that I would patiently wait for him to outgrow his ways. He passed on my offer.
I’ll be getting married to Tayo. Tayo is born again. He doesn’t have the ready sweet words to speak. He doesn’t dress so nicely. He doesn’t get me or keep me excited. But in him, I’ve found peace and joy. Tayo would leave whatever he is doing if I need his help. He would ALWAYS drive down to the airport to pick me up when I come visiting him in Abuja. It would have been more convenient for him to have me take a cab. The day he offered to do that, I was surprised. Bode would NEVER do that. At his kindest, he’ll ask his driver to come get me. He’ll probably simply ask me to get a cab and he’ll pay. Tayo would never sleep until he has spoken with me, prayed with me and wished me a good night. With Bode, I’d be the one calling and calling.
Tayo has showed me that it is possible to have a good guy, a guy who cherishes and respects you and most importantly, loves God and puts Him first. His level of consideration towards me still baffles me. I never knew such was possible and this is why I shied away from a relationship with him initially. It all seemed too good to be true. But it has been 11 months of courtship and he has remained the same steadfast, loving, caring man I first met.
As I walk down the aisle, I am sure my belly will not have butterflies in them but I’d walk down confident of the fact that I am placing my life in the hands of a good man. A man who takes instructions from God and passes them on to the home with love. A man who values family and togetherness and would put me before anything and anyone else. A man with whom I am sure I play second fiddle to no one but God. A man who would be a good role model to our children. A man who would stand by me no matter what happens in the home.
My mom has assured me that the sweeping love will come once the sex begins. Apparently, once you start sleeping with a man, the love grows. I look forward to it. But right now, I’m in a happy, content place.
I might not be with the handsome charmer I longed for as a young teenager. He might not have the best physique in the world. He might not have funny things to say to me all the time. He might not be able to make my heart do somersaults. He might not have the latest clothes and shoes nor know the latest slangs young peoples say. He might not understand my love for E! news and Yoruba movies. But of this I am sure:
I am with the man God selected, handpicked for me. I’m with a man with whom I feel safe, secure, looked after, cared for, pampered. I’m always relaxed. I don’t have to check his phones or wonder who he is speaking with. My heart doesn’t have to skip beats when he is not with me. I don’t have to call him 10 times before I get one call back from him. I’m not pressured to do anything ungodly instead I am challenged to draw closer to God and know Him more that I might be a deserving wife to the man God designed for me and that I may bring him as much joy and bliss as he does me. If you call this settling then yes, this girl HAS settled.
I’m not saying this writer is right and has selected wisely but Tayo clearly seems like a better choice than Bode. Many times, we ladies prioritise the wrong things. We place the cart before the horse. We look first for butterfly feelings and put that feeling of security, warmth and peace aside. We put God second and put feelings first. We dismiss a good guy for a fun guy. We dismiss the voice of wisdom, that small still voice telling us not to go ahead, or even to slow down. We damn the consequences and end up getting burnt. I pray God leads us and that we follow His leading. Amen.