Are you Clingy?

Hi guys!

How’s it going? Hope the month has been going well for you so far. I pray that God’s hands of protection will continually be upon you and yours in Jesus’ name. No evil shall befall anyone of us. Amen.

So I woke up this morning to the news of a married man who attempted to marry another woman and then his legal wife came to disrupt the wedding armed with her dad, news crew and journalists. Like really?!!! The way we humans behave sometimes has me reeling! And you sat down there calmly, about to be joined with a woman with full knowledge of the fact that you are still joined to another. Oma ga oooo! Iriri aye. Nkan be  (I’ve run out out expressions).

So many questions come to mind: Had they already gone to the Marriage Registry as most couples do before going to church? If they had, then a crime might have been committed depending on the state (although I hear Bigamy is no longer a crime in Lagos).

Piece of Legal Info (hehehe): A good number of churches do not have the legal right to join people in holy matrimony and most solemnization ceremonies we attend are not what actually joins parties at law. They would have already been married and already be free to do the do (:P) before the Priest says, ‘You may kiss the bride’.

This is what the process is like:

Peter and Alice fall in love and decide to marry. They go to a Marriage Registry and pick up a Form A which is a Notice Form. They are required to fill in all their personal details including Name, Age, Address, Occupation, Status (Single, Married, Divorced or Widow), Consent (minor under 21 years), Signature etc. The point of these is that if either one puts a fake name, the marriage in void ab initio, not voidable o but void. In the eye of the law, it never happened. So no fakery allowed.

They would also need to have 2 coloured passport photographs. The form is posted on the noticeboard at the Registry for 21 days. The notice is also entered in a book called the Marriage Notice Book which may be inspected by interested parties during office hours without fee. The idea is to put the world on notice so whoever has any reason why they should not marry can enter a caveat or something along those lines.

After these are satisfied and the prescribed time has elapsed, the Registrar would issue a Form C after the following criteria has been met and satisfied:

i)    that one of the parties has been resident within the district in which the marriage is intended to be celebrated; and
ii)    that each of the parties to the intended marriage (not being a widower or widow) is twenty-one years old, and if under that age, the consent hereinafter made requisite has been obtained in writing and is annexed to such affidavit; and
iii)    that there is not any impediment of kindred ie consaguinity or affinity, or any other lawful hindrance to the marriage; eg married already under the Act; and
iv)    that neither of the parties to the intended marriage is married by customary law to any person other than the person with whom such marriage is proposed to be contracted.

Points to note: If you have been married under the Act, you cannot marry under the Act again without first obtaining a decree absolute. Interpretation: if a marriage wasn’t based on just cowry shells and ‘orogbo‘ and Seaman Schnapps which makes it a customary marriage, you cannot subsequently, marry another person without first going through divorce proceedings. In fact, the law recognises customary marriages and if you have undergone customary marriage, you can only marry under the Act if your ‘bride under the Act’ is still the same customary bride ie repeating your marriage by making it have a stronger legal backing-renewal of vows etc under the principle in Jadesinmi v Okotie-Eboh. So that man who sat there was merely wasting everyone’s time and at best was entering into a customary marriage. Sadly, you can  enter into a customary marriage after one under the Act but you cannot enter into one under the Act after a customary marriage unless parties remain the same.

So the married lady could have just as easily sat back sipping on caramel latte as she knows what is going on is nothing but a mere party. But I bet it must hurt sha. I do feel bad for the ladies. I feel bad for the ‘new bride’ if she didn’t know he was previously married. People oooooo!!! Hear hear!!! Before you marry someone you have not dated for too long, please, jo, biko do your due diligence and carry out all necessary investigations- go the Marriage Registry of states he has lived etc, you might also like to do some CRB check on him before you marry a paedophilic sodomite who was granted pardon by his President, yes one was recently pardoned by our merciful President. I guess that is what this world has turned into now!!! Sigh.

Sources: My wonderful lecturer at Nigerian Law School Lagos (NT), Marriage Act, Matrimonial Causes Act, namywedding website

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Today, I want to discuss something I find very interesting. I consider it to be one of the deep secrets of life. It is a secret because it belies its true nature and consequence and people hardly see it for what it really is. For example, think of the art of giving. Based on commonsense, the more you give out, the less you have. But in reality, in life, based on God’s principles and even based on the principles of nature- the more you give, the more you receive. This can be likened to today’s topic- being clingy, insecure and overly self sacrificial in a relationship.

Based on commonsense, the more you call to check up on your partner, the more you drop any and every thing to attend to their needs, the more you love them, baby them or mummy/daddy them, the more you show them how emotionally dependent on them you are, the more they should love you back. But it never works that way. Ok, let me say it almost never works that way. Statistics have shown that clinginess, neediness in a relationship stifles its natural growth, chokes it and will eventually kill it. From the point of view of a lady, a clingy, needy man is a total no-no. It reeks of lack of self worth and when you spend your entire day calling, checking up, “holla-ing”, it makes one wonder, ‘aren’t you busy? Do you not have things to accomplish in your day? Have you nothing to spend your time doing?’

I’m going to don the dual hat of tutor and student today as I dare not judge

Are you clingy in your relationship?

1. Do you depend on your partner for your daily dose of joy and happiness or do they simply add some flavour to an already beautiful and fulfilled life?
2. Are you upset when they update their BBM status and have not sent you a good morning message?
3. Do you feel bad when they have made plans without you in it such as hanging out with friends, holidaying alone or with family, being engaged at work for long hours?
4. Do you investigate every DP update wondering when he or she went out with the people in the picture, wanting to know each and everyone of them and his female friends’ marital/relationship status to be certain they pose no threat?
5. Are you ever ready to drop all you are doing to accommodate them?
6. Do you cancel plans with friends and family simply because he/she is free now and you can’t afford to miss a chance to be with them?
7. Are you so afraid to lose your partner that you would do almost anything to make it work including running out of an important meeting to answer their rare call?
8. Are you so careful around your partner, quick to apologise, tip toeing so as not to make them reconsider dating you?
9. Do you constantly want to shield them from being exposed to, attracted to or seduced by another that you monopolise their time, even causing tantrums and constantly seeking attention, approval and validation?
10. Do you know who you are and what you want in and from a relationship and request for it or are you simply happy to be in it and are scared to appear demanding and never want to ruffle feathers-your motto being let sleeping dogs lie?
11. Are you sad if you don’t hear from them then suddenly have the surge of joy once they get in touch? In other words, do they have a hold of the controls of your moods and emotions?

All these are clear signs of clinginess and emotional reliance and emotional dependence in a relationship-all detrimental to it.

But I love him! What is wrong with showing him just how much? (From the lady’s perspective)

 

1. At the beginning of a new, fledgling relationship, it’s all lovey dovey, gooey, I-can’t-breath-without-you but it’s very important to draw a line between showing interest and being clingy. You can love him without making yourself look like you have nothing else going on for you in your life and he is the be all and end all of your existence. Truth is, as flattering as it may appear initially, no one wants to be saddled with such a responsibility or should I say, chore.
2. It is so easy for him to take advantage of you and take you for granted without even meaning to or having evil intents. He loses respect and value for you and your time gradually and before long, your attractiveness meter reads 0. However physically attractive a woman is, without a measure of self, self worth, self-achievement, goals, dreams, standards, she stops looking like such a catch with time. Everyone wants a catch!
3. If you are always available, you appear like someone with no life, a lay about, a loafer and an aimless person who is always free. Even if you are like Olawamiri in a previous MCLA post who was job hunting and are not so busy, be busy job hunting not just always free and ‘there’.
4. When your life is scheduled around your partner, a vicious cycle is created. Do you hate saying what your day, week, weekend is going to look like and prefer him saying what his plans are first so you can fit yours around his and avoid him not being available? Then there is a problem.
5. Never make a human being your Number 1 priority. That position is reserved for God. Allow another take the reins and mount the seat and they will mess it up badly leaving smithereens of your broken heart in their wake.

Ok, so it’s confirmed- I am clingy. What do I do?

Now that you have realized that you are indeed clingy, you have accomplished step 1 which is self-diagnosis. I always tell people that if you understand the first principles behind a concept, it will be easy to tackle it even if it comes in different variants. So above all things, seek deep understanding of rationales.

So what is wrong with being clingy? What does it really about you as a person? It says you are insecure. It says you are not sure you are worth that much and you must have hit the jackpot to find yourself in the relationship and the minute it ends, your life returns to Ground Zero and heaven forbid you finding yourself in the league of the Single Ladies again.

It says you know you are not worthy of that relationship and you should consider yourself lucky to be one half of such a duo that you had better tread carefully before you lose it all. It says you know and are fully aware of the fact that you do not bring much to the relationship table. It says you are gold digger not a helpmeet.

It says you know there are so many other girls finer, better, hotter, nicer, wiser than you and most scarily, more suited for and deserving of your man so you had better shield him from them before one of them uses either ‘tiro’ or just her natural charms (which you are in short supply of) to snatch him away. It says without him in your life, your existence is dull. You have no engagements to attend to and at the end of each day, you have no ‘gist’ of how interesting your day was because, guess what, it was all about him and you had already given him a blow by blow, minute by minute update of how it went anyway!

1. Now that you know how low you appear by being clingy, ask God for grace to discover yourself in Him and to begin to appreciate how much you really are worth. Only God can reveal your worth to you. No amount of man’s praises or whispers of sweet nothings should define you to you. People’s accolades on you should simply be a confirmation of what you are well aware of. (But remember humility sha :p)

2. Rekindle lost friendships. Begin to get in touch with your dumpees by asking them what they’re up to, paying them a visit, calling them and going for drinks in a group just to ‘catch up’. If you are lucky and have nice friends, they will let go of your temporary insanity and welcome you right back into the fold. If they’re a tad mean, they might put you through hoops and make sure you earn the friendship back, hehe.

Rekindling friendships has many benefits: you realize you have such gold in your friends; you realize what they are up to and get inspired by them. For instance, some might have started a business by the side, started applying for Masters, practising for the GMat, GRE or LSAT, some might be applying for huge positions in big firms and be on Stage 5 of 8 and have tips to share on the process, some might be in long distance relationships that are (surprise-surprise) working just fine, another’s boyfriend might have just gotten on the exchange program to work in a Magic Circle firm in the UK for 3 months and to your surprise, shock, befuddlement, she is very happy and excited for him and not in the least bit scared of losing him, some might have started weekend culinary classes to learn or improve on their cooking, some might have joined a charity that feeds people on the streets every month or teaches English to students in poor schools, some might be going through serious challenges of life that humbles you. From such meetings, you begin to realize that there is so much more to life than your boyfriend represents.

3. People who are overly clingy in their relationships hardly have time for family either. Spend a whole Saturday gisting with your mom (not about potential wedding colours o) but just about life, your studies, your work etc. Cook for your father. Take your niece to the cinema on Saturday to see a Ben 10 or whatever kids love these days. Plan to spend a weekend visiting a relative or a friend who lives in a different state. Remember that a healthy relationship should make your other relationships better and stronger. People should see you growing and glowing and not begin to wonder what went wrong with you and then attribute it to your relationship. You should never lose true friends because you started dating neither should your partner drive a wedge between yourself and your family.

4. Trust God enough to give him space. Yep, I said it! If you trust that the plans He has for you are of good and not of evil to give an expected end, you will not live in constant fear of losing your partner. Fear has torment and is not of God. Remember, instead of the spirit of fear, God has given you the spirit of love, of power and of a sound mind. If he is truly the one for you, you would not need to hustle to keep him or be keeping tabs on him or plan to do everything and go everywhere together. You would be free to let him go out and be happy he is having a great time with other people whilst you are carrying on with your day. When after all the events, hanging out etc he still loves you and wants only you, then you know for a fact that you have a good thing going because he can say ‘you are the best of the rest. Many women have done well, but you excel them all. Many women are skinnier, curvier, have longer hair, have better jobs, cook better BUT I choose you to the exclusion of all others’. It does a whole lot for one’s self esteem.

Just remember, clinginess ruins your relationship slowly but surely. You lose your sense of self and you lose your appeal. I hope we all learn to be secure and less clingy in our relationships. Selah. I pray we all find that beautiful reciprocal love where you show love and he shows it right back…requited love, it’s called.

Back to the matter-Recovery of Possession of Premises…

Have a lovely day!

Temiville.xoxo

MCLA Reader Writes-A Love Rekindled

Written by Abasiama Obi-Chinedu

Dara couldn’t wait to get to the airport. She had looked forward to this trip for so long and now, the day had finally arrived. The Lagos traffic wasn’t helping her case at all, but she had set out four hours early so there would be no sad tales to tell. Kiishi and Zuwairah had been pinging her all day. They had checked in already. “Oga you go take another road oh, make I no miss my flight”. This cabbie was story for another day. All she could do was sit it out. And curse the demon that normally brought on the kind of traffic nobody prayed to encounter when they had a flight to catch.

“O’baby!” That was her cue to start screaming as well. One of their classmates had taken to calling her O’baby right from her jambite days because she was always so well dressed and looked nothing like the other freshers, and the name just stuck to her like white on rice. Her friends were waiting for her at the entrance of the arrival lounge. Relief washed over her…seeing familiar faces when one is that frazzled is always such a blessing.  She had missed her friends and was so happy they were finally going to spend time alone eight months after she last saw them at her wedding. They’d all met at the university and had remained close friends even after school. “Pastor Mrs!! Thou art glowing. Marriage becometh thee”. Zuwy couldn’t get over her marrying a pastor and never missed an opportunity to tease her.  And as usual, Dara never missed her own opportunity to go King James on her friend. “Member Mrs! Behold the handmaiden of The Lord”. They had all looked forward to being together again. “This girl, you have started doing the sweet thing abi, see how you are glowing. Pastor must come and pay more dowry oh,  haba! Meanwhile this your bag, I have been trying to afford it, i claim it in Jesus name”.  Kiishi was just a catalyst, she stoked the fire for a living. All Dara could see was the long check-in queue. ” Abeg let me check in first before socials. Thank God I have just my hand luggage. As for this bag, you will buy yours at Michael Kors shop, OLE”.

Checking in had been a breeze, thanks to some divine intervention. There was so much to catch up on and so much had already been shared on the boarding queue. Their laughter was infectious and other passengers couldn’t help but notice them. Few bold ones dared to talk to them.. “Oh, pay us no mind, we’re just happy to be reuniting after eight months”. Few of the other ladies couldn’t help but look at them funny, not that that they cared anyways. When these three got together, hardly anyone or anything else mattered. This was going to be a very long six hours and they intended to use it well. Five days in Dubai would not be enough to play catch up so maximize six hours in-flight, they would.

Kiishi had no filters. No subject was off-limit. “Oya, start talking..how is married life?” The silly look on her face was an obvious pointer to the fact that all she really wanted to know was how good sex was for her newly married friend. “I will answer when you ask me exactly what you want to know. Amebo” Zuwy could never get over Kiishi’s brazenness, this girl was constantly on a roll. It shocked her the things Kiishi said most times, and just when she thought she had gotten used to this zany female, she always managed to shock her some more. ” IteOluwakiishi Otegbola, kai! You are wasting your father’s money studying Law, you should be a gossip columnist. That’s how you were harassing me when I got married too. Do and marry oh so that you will give us a blow by blow account of your doings. Wallahi, you need Jesus in large doses!”. There was no stopping her though, she would get the information one way or the other.  Not that Dara  minded anyways, she enjoyed talking about her husband. Chimdi was the love of her life. He made her feel all warm and mushy inside. She never believed she would come to love him this much or even marry him, but she thanked God everyday that she had. Everyday before he started getting on her nerves, that is. She had needed someone to talk to for so long and she was glad she had her friends here and she could finally let it all out.

The tiredness kicked in slowly and finally, they all began to slip into their private worlds one after the other. Dara was happy to be left alone with her thoughts for a while. Chimdi…she missed him so much already but she was still so mad at him. The first day she invited her friends to church, he was outside talking to some people while they waited for the first service to end so they could attend the second. He was the kind of man you would never fail to notice. She never stopped wondering how a man so tall,  not-so-dark, and drop-dead-handsome could be a pastor. He was neat, always very well put together, friendly for the most part, and just starring at him would give any female life. “Who’s that fine specimen of protoplasm? Some people can be fine oh”. Kiishi was the first to say anything about him. Dara went on to tell them he was the pastor in charge of the Singles Fellowship, could sing and preach up a storm at the drop of a hat, most of the ladies in church were falling over themselves to get his attention but up until then, he was still very single and if Kiishi was interested she could pick a number and join the queue. She herself had had a crush on him the first moment she set her eyes on him, but the crush lasted for all of twenty seconds. Dara was like that, she didn’t dwell on such things for long. Besides, there was a long line of church workers and other “spiritual sisters” she was sure would make the cut, so that had been that about that. “But this pastor makes sense oh, God created this type on the eighth day, I could just stare at him for days”. Dara couldn’t believe Zuwy too would notice him, she was usually reserved and unaffected by “fine boys”. “Oya oh, you too pick a number and join the queue”.

Chimdi just happened to be at the bank on the same day Dara had gone there to transact. He noticed her first and walked up to her. When she looked up to see who had tapped her shoulder, the only thought that crossed her mind was “Fine boy pastor”. He had noticed her at church a couple of times, and was wondering if she was new in town. He was so pleasant and easy on the eye..the kind of man Dara liked. He was going to wait for her to cash her cheque and would drop her off wherever she was going. They became fast friends. He was more like a big brother, always making sure she was okay and had no issues in school or at her off-campus residence. If she needed a ride back from church, he volunteered to give her one. When he couldn’t drop her off, he always got someone to do that. He would show up in her school for the flimsiest of reasons. “I just came to drop your lunch”, “I just came to take you home”, “it was raining and I thought it would be nice to come take you to school”. They had agreed they just wanted to be friends so Dara never understood why her friends kept telling her that Pastor Fine Boy was loving up on her. “Gosh, you girls amaze me, WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!”. She said that so often, she actually started to believe it.

Of course, some people in church had taken notice as well. Who was this mere mortal that suddenly had this man’s attention? She wasn’t even a worker or one you would consider “spiritual”. Some of his co-pastors would openly make statements to that effect and one day, when Dara had had enough of it, she had to vent. “I am so tired of getting nasty stares or openly rude remarks whenever I am around you. You need to cut me some slack going forward. I will take a cab to and from church, and you don’t need to come to my school either. We are just friends but obviously, your fellow pastors and some workers have an issue with that so please, leave me alone. Even the few people that I talk to in church have suddenly started acting nasty towards me because of you, as though i am snatching their boyfriend. I want to be left alone”. Chimdi could not believe his ears. He had constantly brushed the comments off, hoping that Dee would not notice. He really liked her, cared for her in a special way, enjoyed her company and her Calabar recipes, and was happy to finally have a friend that wasn’t just raving about his looks, but truly cared to relate with the person he was. They spent quite a lot of time together and few of his single friends who liked Dee would always ask him to hook them up with her. They would laugh about it and he told her he would introduce one when a serious one showed up. Life was just easier and sweeter with Dee in it. He missed her sorely whenever her school vacated and she had to go be with her family in Lagos. And of course he always found a reason to be in Lagos during the holidays. Now she wanted to be left alone. Nothing he said could persuade her to just let it go. He decided he would give her some space and time if that was what she needed. He wasn’t going to let his friend go just because some people didn’t think she was “ministry material”.

Zuwy and Kiishi had lots of comforting to do because Dara was inconsolable. And angry. Inconsolable because she missed Chimdi more than words could express, and angry because human beings had a way of minding other people’s business. Church folk…they were the worst kind. Why did she have to be like everyone else to be considered spiritual? She loved the Lord,  she lived for him, valued her growing relationship with him, she thought that was nearly enough. She hadn’t joined the Work Force because she had too many commitments in school and didn’t think it was right to always give excuses as to why she couldn’t always be available. She loved her dresses and her jeans, it was hard having to live by a colour code every Sunday. She wore a toe ring because she loved her beautiful toes and thought the ring made them prettier. Chimdi told her he was in love with her bow legs and full ankles so he bought her an anklet and begged her to wear it. He’d noticed she and stopped wearing one few weeks after she joined the church. She later explained that she had worn one all her adult life but she didn’t like the looks church folk gave her so she stopped. He said there was nothing wrong with wearing one, as long as the Holy Spirit did not convict her otherwise. He had plans to buy his wife a belly chain and that to Dara, was then definition of a deviant pastor. Everything was going well till church folk started talking. Now she missed Chimdi sorely and staying away from church was supposed to help her get him out of her life, but it only fueled the loneliness she felt. “This girl is in luuuuuurve! I thought you guys were just friends oh, according to you”. Kiishi got “The Look ” from Zuwy and that was enough to silence her for the rest of the day.

The separation did not last long. Chimdi was tired of missing her and off to her house he went. She was not there. So he waited. She never took his calls or replied his text messages anymore. She even took him off her BlackBerry. He wanted to slap himself for not having any of her friends’ phone numbers but that wouldn’t solve this, would it? He’d waited for a bit when thankfully,  his Dee walked through the gates. He knew she was going to try and act all cool and unaffected by his presence and he was just going to hug her and tell her how much he missed her, and that he didn’t care what anyone thought, he just wanted to be with her, if she would let him. He went home that night wishing they would quarrel more often just so that they would make up and it would be this sweet all over again. He was going to do all he could to protect her from side talks, he was a full grown man and had made his choice, he would marry his Dee and they would be happy forever. Dee was the kind of woman he wanted; smart, focused, neat, warm hearted, family oriented, friendly, God-loving and all. It didn’t hurt that she was quite the looker too and most importantly, she didn’t drool over his looks,  as a matter of fact, he had laughed his head off the day she told him she preferred to date and marry a guy people would refer to as ugly because she didn’t have time for “fine  boys and their unending drama”. She was just easy to be with, easy to love, she was every woman in one. He was taken aback by the fact that she was attending a Bible School when he met her, she didn’t look the type. She “just wanted to know more about God so she joined the Bible School”.  And those church folk, they would never know that about her, would they? She just wasn’t spiritual enough in their eyes.

Two years flew past and they got married in the most intimate ceremony ever. The joy was palpable, one could actually breathe it in. Their love was beautiful, the type most people only dreamt about. They had their ups and downs but that made it more beautiful. Dara had no doubts she would have a happy marriage,  but she also knew there would be down times and she was glad she had a God who would walk her through those times, and she was confident they would come out of every down time better than they had gone in. Married life was blissful. Chimdi was a man and a half. She felt like God’s last child, nothing could be sweeter. Out of the blue, Chimdi  was told he had to go start a new branch if the church in Asaba. He didn’t know how to take that piece of news. He had just gotten married, he was trying to settle in, his wife was about to start a new job and they had to leave all of that behind and just up and leave Abuja  for Asaba! Dee..she was speechless for days. “How on earth do you expect me to leave everything and move to Asaba? Was this our plan? What about my career, my business, everything..we just got married, Chimdi, and why Asaba of all places. I don’t even know where that is on the map. I am not going!” He knew better than to make an issue out of it, if the Lord was sending him there, He would make Dee come around. It was important to him that she supported the move, much as he wasn’t too pleased about moving from Abuja to a seemingly obscure corner of the earth. He knew she wanted to pursue her career as a diplomat and her chances were slim in Asaba, still he trusted God enough to know that He had better plans than he or Dee could ever have for their lives.

She was tired of agonizing over the impending move. She had learnt to trust God even when she didn’t understand where He was taking her through. If God wanted them in Asaba, He would make all things work together for their good.
Chimdi had assured her everything would fall into place. She believed him, just as she believed every other thing he had told her and things always panned out the way he had said they would. She hadn’t seen her friends after the wedding as Zuwy lived in Calabar with her medical doctor husband while Kiishi was away in the UK for her Masters. Her parents had come to say their goodbyes and assured her everything would go well in Asaba.

Asaba turned out to be a sedate town, unlike Abuja in many ways. She was glad Chimdi was  Igbo , so that barrier had been broken to an extent. “Maybe I will finally get to learn Igbo now that I’m in Asaba” , but she knew it would take a miracle. English, French and German were work enough, adding Igbo to it would be an overkill, still she would try, for Chimdi’s sake. Planting a church was no picnic. She found renewed respect for church overseers who were able to plant several branches of their ministries around the country. She would do her best to support Chimdi and she prayed everyday that the city would accept him and his ministry. Some days she was on a high, on other days, all she wanted to do was run away to Abuja, where she had some friends,  knew familiar faces, could start her career, had a church of at least familiar faces….

Weeks turned into months and things began to look up. She was happy. She even started to laugh whenever people referred to her as “Mama”, something she really hated and found absolutely unnecessary. Chimdi told her they would go on their honeymoon as soon as church was settled and she looked forward to that. She had taught it would be as automatic as building a structure on which the church would run, having people in place who would fill in the gaps when they were away and all would be dandy. Chimdi always told her that spiritual things could not always be calculated the same way physical things, but she was sure things would go her way. She hoped they would, for both their sakes.

Everyday brought on new challenges. It was difficult making new friends in church because most of the ladies were older than her and she imagined they wouldn’t take it kindly that such a young girl was the pastor’s wife. Few people had an issue with the fact that she was a fashionista. They would never know that Dara always wanted to study Fashion Designing until her father said “not in this house”, after which she decided to pursue her plan B: a diplomatic career.  Her mother was quite a fashionista too; this apple didn’t fall too far from the tree. When few people began to seek her advise on things she considered were not her business to know, she became scared. “Chimdi…what am I to say to these people? What do I know about a cheating spouse or a twisted sexuality? How do I counsel someone struggling with their sexuality? This is way beyond me, I just want to run away. Why did you bring me here?”. Chimdi let her cry her heart out and he just held her close and let her know it was going to be alright, she would have to rely on the Holy Spirit to help her and she would have to learn to pace herself. If she really wanted to work, he would help her look for a job and she didn’t have to kill herself if she couldn’t get a job, she could start her fashion business which she had always dreamt of having. That sounded comforting a bit but she couldn’t help saying to him: “One day you will just wake up and discover that I have run away to Abuja and you will be in this town all by yourself doing ministry”. He couldn’t help but smile very widely, he knew his Dee was going nowhere, she loved him enough to stay by his side through all of this, and that was one of the few things that made sense to him at that point in his life.

If Chimdi had learnt anything in these few months of planting a church, it was that working with people with all kinds of mindset was one of the hardest hurdles to get through. He was constantly dealing with one issue after the other and Dee always told him he could only do his best and to always remember that this was the Church of Jesus Christ and He would take care of it. That was a hard pill to swallow, but he would try. Trying wasn’t good enough, for he began to get so engrossed in the work of the ministry and he and Dee began to drift apart. All he wanted to talk about was church: the choir, workers’ meeting, auditions, out reaches, church and some more church. He spent more and more time studying and doing the work of ministry, he didn’t even notice his Dee begin to slip away. He would always think “my baby is still angry we are in Asaba…she’ll get over it”. Things began to pick up in the ministry, he was a happy man, he just didn’t notice that Dee had stopped being excited about the growth and all the wonderful things that were beginning to happen. If her marriage was the price she had to pay for the growth and influence the ministry was currently experiencing, then God was a wicked God, period!

He was excited the date for her trip with her friends was fast approaching. Surely, some fresh air, sun and the girls would do her good. Oh, and shopping. Dee loved to shop. The fashionista in her was evident in everything she did and he was always so proud whenever they went places and heads turned to look at his wife. She was stylish beyond her years. The very thought of that made him not mind the hole this trip would bore in his pocket. He just wanted her to have a break. He was tired of hearing her whine about the fact that their honeymoon was nowhere in sight and he needed a break before the stress of ministry rendered her a widow before her time. “Baby, you really need to take a break oh, don’t render me husbandless before my time. Anyway, na you go lose because one sharp man will come and marry me”. He loved to hear her pidgin, it reminded him of how she always said she was his “Sofisticat” outside and his “Mgbeke” indoors. “Babe, leave that thing abeg, Jesus boy no dey die. Who go fit marry this my calabar princess”. That brought a smile to his lips. He loved his Mgbeke so much…much more than words could ever express.

“If you girls don’t wake up now I promise you I will eat your food”. That was vintage Kiishi. Everyone was jealous of how she seemed to eat just about anything she wanted to and miraculously remained skinny. She loved to eat, but hated to cook. “Foodie of life, no try yourself oh, I am wide awake”. She hadn’t slept a wink. She’d been to lost on memory lane and didn’t even notice she had started crying. She was sure that by then, Chimdi would have seen the stinker she left him on his pillow. She had been so upset that he was insisting she stayed in Dubai for twelve days when she and the girls had planned to stay for just five days. Clearly he needed her out of his way so he could do more ministry work and counsel all those girls with their never-ending issues that they refused to talk to her about, but had no issues talking to her Chimdi about. HER CHIMDI..she wasn’t going to share him with all those church girls, those sharp Igbo and Delta  babes that thought she was a “Calabar girl” in name only.

The first few days in Dubai passed quickly. The girls couldn’t help but notice just how distant and uninterested she was in all the activities they had pre-planned. Zuwy knew they had to stage an intervention but knowing Dara, she would become defensive and the goal would be defeated. Left to Kiishi, she would have just asked Dara point blank what the problem was but Zuwy was having none of that. “Marriage is not this one you are always doing fire brand oh, you will approach the matter carefully and with a lot of wisdom”. To this Kiishi rolled her eyes and silently thanked God that she was not yet married and didn’t have to deal with all these married women issues. They had to leave for the Gold Souk any moment though, so Dara had to be woken up. This was their last day together and they had to make the most of it.

Dara was spent. She had cried so much her head hurt. When Kiishi jumped on her bed in her usual wake up call, the reaction she got made her do a double take. “What the hell is wrong with you? Jumping on my bed like an insane person. Are you out of your mind? Get the hell off my bed before I do something very nasty to you”. Zuwy could only stare in shock. They knew she was dealing with stuff but this outburst was just off the chain. “I want to be left alone, please, just go away”. The girls weren’t having any of that . “Lai lai! You have been on your own since we arrived here. You were the one looking forward to this trip, you took the effort to plan it and now we are here, all you have done is shut us out as though we are the enemy. Whatever it is, we will resolve it now. You will not go back to Naija a sober mess. Oya, start talking. You don’t have to tell us the details but at least tell us what the problem is”. Kiishi had had enough of the long faces and stated in clear terms that this was the moment where they would have to talk and cry together before things got out of hand. Dara felt powerless to fight two caring women, she knew the time had come to let it all out. She just pulled the duvet over her head and cried forever. Her friends got on her bed and held her and just let her cry till she was spent and she slept off.

When she woke up, her girls were still there. “What time is it?”, she asked no one in particular. “Time to rise and shine. Go shower, you stink! And your boo has been calling you all day”. Chimdi! She hadn’t even called him since she arrived. Her phone had been on silent mode and that was on purpose. She couldn’t get over the fact that her friends had been so busy pinging all day, everyday, since they arrived. “Lucky them…Chimdi  probably doesn’t even care that I haven’t called him”. Oh well, she would just go shower and go out with the girls. She had seven more days to stay here alone so she would not pressure herself to shop today. The shower did her good, she felt brand new and was quite surprised that none of the girls had started shouting for her to come out already. “Let me have mercy on them and come out now oh”. She toweled her body leisurely and for once, she actually started to look forward to going to the Gold Souk. She was going to buy a new belly chain today “that’s if Chimdi will even notice”.

As she made her way back into the room, she was already teasing her friends “shoppers, no vex oh, I really needed that bath”. Her friends were nowhere in sight. In place of two girls, she saw that fine, six feet three inch specimen of protoplasm, the one that made her heart skip several beats once upon a time. “Baby…I’ve been calling you for days. I’ve missed you so much”. He wasn’t sure how she would react to his presence and reading the stinker she left him had scared the living daylights out of him. She had said she wanted to go back to Abuja when she arrived, she wanted a divorce and he could marry the church, since that was all he had come to care about. What she didn’t know was that he wanted her to stay an extra week in Dubai so he could surprise her by coming over and whisking her away to their honey moon suite. She was weak from all the crying, too weak to be angry, but not too weak for the tears to come rushing down all over again. He didn’t need to be told that she needed him to hold her and tell her everything would be alright from here on. In one single step, they were on each others’ arms and the tears flowed freely…

“So you want to leave me abi? Who do you want to marry your own husband? You want me to die an unhappy man…I though we said we’d be together forever no matter the weather, what changed?” Asaba. That’s what happened. He didn’t need a prophet to tell him that much. “Babes, I’ve told you, you need to stop obsessing, just pace yourself and flow. I’m not pressuring you to be a Pastor’s wife. Can you just take the labels and tags off and just be Chimdi’s wife? Stop obsessing about the pastor’s wife mould that people have created. Be you. I married you for you, I didn’t marry a pastor’s wife. If you hate Asaba so much, maybe we should relocate cos I can’t be doing ministry when my marriage is not working. And I know I’ve been too engrossed in all of that and that’s why I asked you to stay here so I could surprise you with our honeymoon but you have been so angry with me, you didn’t even read my text messages.” Whenever she got that angry, he always had a way of taking her back into a good mood. She felt so small…his love had a way of making her see how irrational she could be. ” I’m sorry” she could barely talk as the tears choked her. “No, I am the one who’s sorry, I should have paid more attention. Forgive me babes”.

He couldn’t stand her crying so much but he knew he had to let her get it all out. He was even more scared she had thought about divorce, especially as he was of the opinion they both agreed their marriage was a house without doors for exit, only windows for ventilation. “Baby..would you really ever just walk out on us  if things got really bad? Divorce…that’s such a strong word, how do you just bandy such a word that easily though?” She knew he would not fail to bring that up. “I’m sorry, I was just trying to get your attention. I really am that overwhelmed by all this ministry thing going on all at once, and those girls always wanting to see you with their tall tales they can tell only you and never me. Especially that Amaka..I swear that girl has got the hots for you”. He couldn’t believe his ears and couldn’t help but laugh his head off. “Daramfon Archibong Chimdi-Uma, shame on you! Amaka of all people? Abeg now, gimme some credit here. Amaka? By how? Kai this woman you are a riot!”. Now she felt really foolish. But you know, with these men, you never know. This  she quickly amended to “this is My Chimdi, not these men”.  She would have to just try and get past this but his riotous laughter wasn’t helping her in any way. “Let me get dressed so we go look for the girls, yeah? What’s the plan…what are we doing today? I’m hungry” The girls were the last thing on Pastor Fine Boy’s mind.  “Err..the girls…i paid them off to go shopping for the next three hours…we’ll all do the dinner cruise tonight so I can hear all the things you told them about me, tomorrow we leave for our honeymoon suite and we’ll take it from there. I know buying you a belly chain is in the works somewhere, but for now, no need to get dressed, you look yummy in your skin and i’m hungry too”. She knew that tone, something delicious was about to go down. “This boy! You’re such a baaaad boy!” His deepest baritone crept up on him, “You know this, babes, you know this..come here…”

Written by Abasiama Obi-Chinedu

Abasiama is a graduate of Foreign Languages and Literatures from the University of Port Harcourt. She’s a bilingual translator/interpreter by profession and runs a fashion retail and merchandising business. She’s married and co-pastors a thriving church with her husband.

Avril

Helloooooo!!!

Where exactly do I start? I don’t know. But all I can say is that I have thoroughly missed blogging. I miss getting inspiration as I pray, sip on my coffee or just live and breathe and observe goings on around me.

God has been very good to me and mine. Law School is as hectic as they say but I find that taking it in in daily doses does help a whole lot. A little every day instead of weekly wholesale reading or God forbid, one month before exams crash reading!!! A friend did it last year and came out with a 2.1 but even she will not recommend her strategy.

So much has happened while I have been away. Sometime last month, a course mate just slumped and died- just like that. It was quite the shocker, despite the fact that I never met him. It makes you realize how fortunate you are to be alive and well. You also know to be grateful for your family and friends whose phone calls you receive each day to gist or even fight but not to share tales of woe. Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness!

My diet plan is coming up well. Lost a bit of weight and now trying to be healthier instead of dieting. I’m also a fan of Green Tea now. Instead of those Chinese ones, I think I’m going to switch to Lipton or any other straight brand. I hear it does wonders for one’s system if taken every night. Those who have followed this blog know of my age long addiction to Coke. I’ve been on and off Coke all through this year. One week, I’m like ‘never again will I drink Coke’, the next, I’m on a bottle a day p. It’s not been easy at all. I guess I know how the druggie feels. I have not had Coke in 3 days but that is not an achievement as I know I am not entirely off it. I can’t wait to be like one of those who say ‘this is my 6^th month of not tasting Coke or any fizzy drink’. Wow! I shall dance in glee and give a testimony!

***

You all know I love to ask JAMB questions on MCLA as I ask you to muse with me. But today’s own is a very serious matter. I have watched loads of Naija movies with all these ‘omoge campus’ doing Aristo and all and we are all like what manner of iranu is this? The one I came across recently is of a different variant. I read the story of a girl who explained how she and this man met and fell head over heels in love, then like an exclusion clause in fine print, she mentions he has a wife. Like I was already so in love with her love tale. It was so beautiful. He was attentive to her, he would pray with her, he was there for her etc. But he is married.

Now, my friends have declared me to be too black and white in my approach and that I should learn to understand where people are coming from. So I said, ‘toh, lemme not judge this sister’. But really, is there any justification in this world for liking then loving a married man up to the point he promises to leave his wife for you and you get upset every time you call him and he is with his family and you cry and update your BB status that ‘I can’t share anymore!’? I’m not prone to violence but I do understand why some girls get beaten blue and black by some wives and their friends. Call me anything but I can never understand how you fall in love with another person’s property. It reeks of lack of self worth and only God can seat me down to make me sympathise with any lady who is in possession of any woman’s man. As TD Jakes will say, ‘lose him and let him go’! Lol. It also reminds me of Olivia Pope’s trifling ways on Scandal. I love her professionally but when I think of her and the President, I get hardened. To think the President cannot even stand his own wife anymore because he spends his moments fantasising about Olivia Pope! We need Christ!

But seriously, ladies, get praying o. Like serious praying and fasting as often as you can that God protects you from the heartbreak of another woman chasing you from your own home or even from the pain of your husband cheating or liking another woman. Inasmuch as many have argued with me, yes it is possible to have an infidelity-free home through the Grace of God so it is that grace we need because gehs are not smiling. I mean the person in question went as far as researching on all the things the wife wasn’t doing and turned those areas to her core competence! Lord help your children o!

Anyways, lemme go back my Election Petition notes. I will not claim to plan to blog each day henceforth but at least, I will come here more often and let you all know how things are going and give you more of my musings as they come, hehe!

Thank God for everything and I sincerely do miss you all. Thank you to all those who have given me gentle nudges to write something and to those who literally have jabbed me and threatened to dump my website if I do not update, thank you too. Hehe!!!

I wish you all a lovely month of April.

God bless you!

Temiville.xoxo

***

Avril is French for April

Help! Mom and Dad say no!

Hey people!!!

Hope you’re well. Let’s take a stab at this guys! The abridged version was published on Bella Naija earlier today This is the original /unedited draft.

Enjoy!

***

Niran and I met a year ago during one of those Nigerian Job forums in England. It was an exhibition featuring some of the best employers in Nigeria and it was a ‘strictly by invitation’ event. So we all pretty much felt honoured to be there and there was this look of respect you had for the next guy because you know immediately that he must be an academic G.

It was at the GTBank stand that I saw him. I was asking the lady at the stand if they would employ a Law Graduate with an MBA but no BL (Nigerian Law School degree) when he stood beside me eagerly waiting for their response.  I looked up at him and could not but smile. I’ve always had a problem with fine guys, they were my  Achilles Heel. He was no exception. Tall, slim built, yet muscular, fine facial structure. He was very clean looking. The lady had started responding but there I was, still admiring God’s work of art. Quickly, I slipped out of my reverie in time to catch the last few sentences. Then I promptly moved on to the next stand, embarrassed at myself.

Hot!

‘You didn’t get what she said, did you?’, a deep voice said behind me. Lo and behold, it was Mr. Hotstuff again.

‘Erm, some of it’, I mumbled.

‘I noticed you were a bit distracted and given her open ended, non-specific response, I would have expected some sort of questions to follow from you’.

He then went on to explain the lady’s response to my question. To be honest, I really didn’t care for what he was saying as much as how he was saying it. He was really hot.

I found out he was doing his Masters at Jesus College, Cambridge after having finished with a First Class and also second best in his year in Ife. It took a while to become friends because I had to first of all get over my infatuation with him. That took a few weeks of totally ignoring his calls and refusing his self invite to Manchester to see me and also refusing to go to Cambridge to see him. I don’t know when exactly or how exactly it happened, but I stopped being so ‘star struck’ and started seeing him in a normal light.

The next time we saw was during the Festival of Life programme in London two months after we first met. He had come with his church bus and my friends and I had driven from Manchester because we could not make the timing of our church bus. We planned to meet up during the Testimony Time and we did. We strolled to the very back to get water and I realised I was nice and easy around him this time. We talked for a few minutes and went back to our different seats.

When he offered to come see me the following weekend, I did not protest. His friend was also in Manchester University and he would use the opportunity to see him too. He came on Saturday afternoon and went first to his friend’s to drop off his little bag and then came to see me. I had such a great time. We went shopping for his dad’s birthday present and got him a Sheaffer pen. His little sister was going home and would deliver it to him. We then went to see a movie and then had dinner at this lovely Asian restaurant at Piccadily Gardens called Rice afterwards. On Sunday, he met up with me and we went to church together, had lunch afterwards and then I saw him off to the train station to get his 5:15pm train back.

As I waited for a bus back to my house, I was reeling with excitement. I could not believe what great time I had had. You see, as someone who likes fine guys, I know very well that most of them are either cocky, stuck up, stupid, unintelligent, proud, taken or all of the above. So you can imagine my feeling of good fortune when I found out that Adeniran Ola-Baker possessed not one of those vices. He was so humble, respectful, kind, intelligent and fun to be with. I also found out he comes from a family of geniuses. His father is an alumnus of Oxford and currently a dean at Unilag. His mom has 2 Bachelors and 2 Masters degrees. His younger  sister was in the final year of her PhD programme at Nottingham at just 26! I felt a bit intimidated but he was quick to credit it all not to their hard work or natural gift but to God’s grace.

We carried on with our friendship for another 3 months till he asked me to be his girlfriend with the hope of one day becoming his wife. I was so excited. I said  a fast yes. I had prayed about him and felt so much peace in the relationship. It was as if God had come to wipe away my tears because I had kissed a few frogs in my 25 years on earth. When thoughts of him would fill my head, this song would spring up in my heart:

“Oti mu mi gbagbe o ibanuje igbakan. Ashe were ni ishe Oluwa. Obati a pe toun je“

The song translates thus: You have caused me to forget my past sorrows. You work speedily. The God upon whom we call and he answers.

I was indeed in a very happy place.

Our Masters programme ended and it was time to go home. We both decided against getting the Post Study Work visas and went straight home. I had met his sister, ‘Lope. She was not the geek I expected her to be. In fact, she was exceptionally fashion conscious and an ‘it’ girl for a PhD student. I just assumed all PhDers were geek glasses wearing and braces wearing. We became good friends during the  period I was in the UK.

Niran and I were on the same flight back home. My mom and 2 sisters came to pick me up whilst his mom and dad both came to pick him. That was the first introduction of our families and it was short and sweet. Two weeks after arriving Nigeria, he invited me to his parents’ to meet them properly. It was such an ordeal deciding what to wear. My mom had said ‘no English outfit’ but my big sister was the other voice saying, ‘be yourself and wear what you’re comfortable in’. In the end, my mom won and I wore a really nice yet simple Ankara dress and kitten heeled pumps. I had my hair in a bun and wore my favourite earrings.

His parents live in Unilag somewhere along a street called Ozolua. He had come to my house at Shonibare Estate to pick me up that Saturday. We got to his and his mom welcomed me with the biggest hug ever. I felt immediately at home. She was a plump woman with friendly eyes and happy disposition. She was extremely welcoming. She apologised that her husband  was on a call upstairs and would be joining us shortly. It was a very relaxed meeting and it went well. If Niran’s mom is described as friendly. His dad would be described as funny. He told one joke after the other and had me in stitches all afternoon. It was also interesting to watch his mom laugh so hard at his jokes after 32 years of marriage. It was a good afternoon.

On our drive back as Niran dropped me off, I asked,

‘Niran, I saw another girl featuring a lot in your older family albums. I thought ‘Lope was your only sister’. He went quiet for a while and I felt bad thinking maybe she had died and I was scraping at healing wounds.

‘Yes I do. We are three kids. She’s older than I am. She’s 31 this year’.

‘Oh wow! What’s her name? Where does she live? Is she also a genius like you guys?’, I asked smiling, relieved she was alive.

‘Her name is is ‘Lade, Omolade. She lives here in Lagos. She has some problems’, he said dismissively.

‘Oh, what kind of problems’, I probed.

‘She was committed to the mental institution two weeks to her Bar Finals when she was just 20. Last year was her 10th year in the Psychiatric Home. She graduated with a First Class from Ife at 19 but never got called to the Bar’. He said this as a matter-of-factly with zero emotion. I was literally open-mouthed for 5 minutes or so.

‘I’m so sorry’, I gushed, not knowing the appropriate words to speak. He dismissed it and apologised for not telling me all along. We had already gotten to my house by then. He dropped me off and left.

As soon as I got home, Charlie’s Angels were waiting for me in the living room. Charlie’s Angels are my mom (who we’ve given the pet name, Sisi Joke, as all her numerous female friends call her that), my older sister, Sisi Lara and my younger sister by 10 months (we were both born in 1987), Sisi Bisodun ( she is a December 25 baby hence the ‘Bisodun‘ which translates thus-born into festivity. I have no brother so my dad is the only male figure in the family. I should also add that there is a strong influence of my mom’s sisters in our lives. They are all very close and very involved in each other’s family. When we were younger and offended my mom, one of the 6 sisters was sure to come by to give us a good telling off. It’s like we have 6 mothers really. Anyways, back to Charlie’s Angels.

‘It went so well. His parents are so cool. I had a great time. I found out he has an older sister who’s not well’, I said of the meeting at Niran’s.

‘Eh yah, what’s wrong with her?’ Bisodun asked.

‘Erm, she’s ill’, I mumbled. How does one say it? I thought to myself.

‘What kind of illness?’ Impatient Lara quipped.

‘She’s insane. She went mad during her Bar Finals 11 years ago’, I blurted. To hell with the political correctness.

‘Oh my God’, ‘What?’, ‘Damn!’, the three of them said at the same time. We all bemoaned the poor girl’s fate for a while and then changed the topic.

At about 1:30am, my dad and mom strolled into my room, interrupting my Dexter.

My dad was fumbling with his fingers. My mom on the other hand, sat down on my bed and began,

‘My dear, your dad and I have discussed things long and hard and there’s no way we are going to sit back and watch insects crawl into our eyes. You are a young girl and you have your whole life ahead of you. You can’t marry into a family where madness runs. It is hereditary and I won’t have a mad man for a son-in-law nor have mad grandkids. You need to break it off with him and fast too.’ My mom was emotionless. She spoke as if she was a newscaster speaking about some remote girl’s fate and not like she had just shattered my very being.

I sat there mute, looking at my dad as if he should help me and save me from my mom’s unreasonableness. ‘Dad’, I began.

My dad cut me off saying, ‘the earlier you break it off, the faster you will heal. We spoke with Aunty Biola whose husband is a psychiatrist at John Hopkins as you know. He told us unequivocally that madness induced by studying is hereditary meaning your offspring is susceptible to it and in fact, also Niran. I’m sure if we dig deep, we’ll find out about other members of the extended family who also have the problem. I’m sorry dear but I withdraw my blessings on your relationship’.

I was devastated as I watched my dad speak. My mom is known to make decrees and still change her mind. But my dad is soft and so hardly speaks BUT when he does, we all know no Jupiter can make him change his mind.

***

I confided in Lara about it. She’s a non-conformist and I chose her because I knew she would support me. She did but gave me reasons that I myself could not rationalise, insisting that if the worst comes to worst, I should go get myself married at the Ikoyi Registry and tell my parents I’m married. She also blamed me for telling them accusing me of always telling my parents everything and never learning from my past experiences of how badly they handle sensitive information.

I eventually spoke with Bisodun. Bisodun has always been the family oracle, very intelligent and also extremely rational and pragmatic. She is also a lover of God so I knew I would hear the truth from her, even if painful. Here were her words,

‘Sis, this is indeed a toughie. Whilst I believe in the power of prayers regarding these issues of hereditary diseases, the truth is our parents’ faith is not on that level. And you must get parental consent. You absolutely must. I don’t support you going ahead not because of the disease of the mind of his sister but because of dad and mom’s resolve. Hold it off for now and begin to pray hard. I’ll join you and we can even start fasting from tomorrow. Now Sis, our prayer is not for mom and dad to change their minds, no. Instead, it is for God’s will to prevail.

I love Niran and you together and when I place him besides the losers you have been with, I am personally pained at the thought of you guys not being together. However, sometimes, the devil brings a counterfeit of God’s plan for our lives. It looks so good, so perfect, so right but it is not from God and his blessing is not upon it. And consequently, one trouble or the other will keep rearing its head. I will never tell you that being with God’s choice will mean there would not be challenges, NEVER. There still will be but guess what, ‘Ishe Oluwa kole baje-God’s work cannot be hindered. So if it indeed is God’s plan for you, we need to call on God and tell Him, Oh God, you gave me this and the world wants to destroy your gift and take it from me. Arise and show up in my favour. Let your perfect will prevail in this matter. He will definitely show up and defend his handiwork.

You need to quit this starvation you’ve put yourself on and all this weeping. You need to encourage yourself in the Lord and I know God will definitely answer our cry like he answered that of David when the Amelikites invaded Ziklag and took all in 1 Samuel 30. BUT remember, David first of all inquired of the Lord whether or not he would recover his possessions. It was not until God told David that he will surely recover all that he pursued and then overtook. So hun, this is our period of inquiring. Let’s first of all seek God’s will, the rest will follow. The heart of the king is in the hands of the Lord and like a river of water, He can turn it as he so wishes. So babes, forget mom and dad for now, they are not the real matter at issue. When God says yes, they dare not say no so let us hear God say his yes first.

***

As great as Bisodun’s words were, I’m still torn. There’s no way God can say no to a love so true. Why give me someone that brings me so much joy only to snatch him away? Why should I leave Niran because of fear, not even mine, my unbelieving parents’? He is not mad and can never be mad and I know I can not have a mad child.

I still speak with Niran and we still hang out. I have found reasons to give him for him not coming to mine anymore and for dropping me off at the Estate Gate when he does come. How can I tell him my family rejects him because of something that brings his family pain? How?

According to Bisodun, I’m to tell Niran I want to seek God’s face for something for a while and during that period, I’m not to communicate with him. She says I need a severance from him in order to hear God speak clearly. That is easy to say and I know myself, it is just impossible to pull it off. Plus, our relationship has never been that way. We discuss all our problems and pray for each other so this ‘problem’ I have that requires solitary confinement would definitely have him raising an eye brow.

So many questions running through my head: my parents are not such strong believers. Is it not praying parents you obey implicitly? Is his sister’s illness really hereditary? Why did I open my big mouth to tell my mom? Why did I not make my parents find out after the wedding? Should I go crazy and get married without their approval? Should I open up to Niran about my predicament? Would that not make him judge my family? Should I go ahead and have a clean break from him whilst I pray?

What do I do?!

***

Let’s muse guys!

Temiville.xoxo

My mother, my confidante?

Thank you guys!!!! I was voted the Best Writing Blog by you all and I am so grateful. It sure feels good! Thank you!!!

Musings of a Caramel Latte Addict by Temiville: Best Writing Blog, 2012 Awards

***

I resumed Bar 2 last week Monday and since all I will do is moan about how diffiucult registration week was for those of us in Lagos, I won’t say anything. All I can say is I am really looking forward to this week and trust God it will go great!

Church yesterday was AMAZING!!! Pastor Moses at The Waterbrook spoke the Word and it was something else. It left me thinking. I intend to do a post on it but before I do, please guys read the story of Ahab and Jehoshaphat going to war in 2 Chronicles 18 just to get a feel of what I will be writing on.

Now to today’s post or more like opinion gathering…

I have a friend who tells her mom everything. I mean if a guy so much as gave her a lingering handshake at work, her mom would hear about it and they would start praying about it just in case he is The One. Another friend tells her mom the barest minimum which she might end up finding out from another source e.g. she is in a relationship (after like 5 months).

It is good to tell your mom stuff but the question now is: how much information is too much information? I see some people whose mothers know everything going on in their lives, their marriages-how the man snores loudly, how he eats too much, how they are planning a holiday next year, how the husband is thinking of buying property. I know it’s good to involve your mother in your life but how much involvement is too much especially when that life is not just your life anymore but involves another person, a man (most men will not appreciate being overly discussed)?

What happened to the couple leaving and cleaving or is it just the man to leave and cleave? Some mothers REQUIRE they be told ALL ‘so they can give you advice because what a mother sees sitting down, you cannot see even from the pinnacle of the Empire State Building’ but when do you have to start keeping back some details from her. Is this even right?

If you are not keen on having a husband who discusses everything with his mom, why should you not respond in kind? What do you guys feel? Will you be telling your mother everything since no one loves you as much as she does and she can give you good old person’s view? Or will you keep a lot of things on a ‘my husband and I’ level? For the male folk, are you okay with your mother in law knowing about your marriage since she’s an extension of the home or do you feel disrespected if your wife makes her mom her number one confidante?

Beautiful mom and daughter

Let’s muse!

Temiville.xoxo

Help! Her past haunts me!

Hi people,

I am distraught.

Broken!

So I recently found out the worst thing ever. My girlfriend (Similolu) of a few months whom I genuinely care for once dated my older brother!

She’s a sweet, decent girl or so I thought till I found out that my bad-boy brother had once been with her in her first year of Uni at Igbinedion University. He was also a student there after having left Unilag due to cultism issues. He had promised to renounce the secret society and in return, my dad sent him to the University in Edo to start afresh. She was a Level 1 student of Medicine when they met. He was already in his 3rd year of Economics by then. The Medicine department of the University had some challenges and therefore, Similolu had to go to a University in Ukraine to start her degree afresh.

I’m hurt because I have always loved God and put him first. I looked forward to a relationship with a like-minded girl and I thought I had found that in Simi. To think she once was was with my philandering, cheating , weed smoking, unserious brother is just a bit too much for me to bear. I love my brother to bits but the way he handles girls like things is absolutely appalling. He is known to treat women with disrespect. He uses and dumps them. He sleeps with them and then discards them right after. Simi once told me she went the farthest with a particular guy when she first got to Uni and to think that that ‘guy’ is Tunbosun, my older brother is really hard a pill for me to swallow.

I found out when she came to visit me at mine. My brother greeted her fondly, giving her a full bodied hug, lustfully admiring her telling her, ‘you’ve changed o’. She was awkward around him making me wonder what exactly ‘farthest I’ve gone’ entailed.

I know I sound judgmental, I also know I might not being doing What Jesus Would Do but I right now, I think I should just free her and let her go her way. I’m not looking for Miss Perfect but I don’t need someone whose sordid past is so close to home. I think I will constantly have the thought of them together in my head and it will lead to distrust of her, disrespect for her and eventually, contempt for her which will lead to me being repulsed by her.

Old things might be passed away but not when it was with my brother. I see the girls my brother has been with and I will not wish what they go through on my worst enemy’s sister. Imagining Similolu in those shoes just makes me mad…not at him but at her for having so low a self esteem to have dated Tunbosun, a self acclaimed and proud bad boy.

.

What are your thoughts on this guys? How would you feel if you found out that your boyfriend or girlfriend has once been with your promiscuous friend or your sibling? How would you as a person feel, realising you are in a relationship with your ex’s sibling or even relative? How does one deal with this?

Let’s muse!

Please guys don’t forget to vote for the Musings of a Caramel Latte Addict in the 2nd and last categories: http://nigerianblogawards.com/vote.php

Once you’ve submitted your voting form, please check your email (including junk mail and spam mail folders) for an email from nigerianblogawards@gmail.com and follow the instructions in the email to ensure your votes are counted. If you entered your email address during the nomination phase you will not receive an email confirmation and your vote will be immediately counted.

Temiville.xoxo

Help! He never forgives!

Hi guys!

How are you doing? So much is happening around the world and even here in our precious country, Nigeria. From flooding to bombings to all sorts of insecurity here and there. Even in the US, Sandy is not smiling and I hear it’s gradually finding its way to the West Coast. I saw pictures on Daily Mail and I was weak. I pray God protects everyone all around the world from all scourges they might be facing-Flooding, Hurricane, Suicide Bombing, False Accusation etc. God help us all. Amen.

***

Please guys don’t forget to vote for the Musings of a Caramel Latte Addict in the 2nd and last categories: http://nigerianblogawards.com/vote.php

Once you’ve submitted your voting form, please check your email (including junk mail and spam mail folders) for an email from nigerianblogawards@gmail.com and follow the instructions in the email to ensure your votes are counted. If you entered your email address during the nomination phase you will not receive an email confirmation and your vote will be immediately counted.

***

Let’s take a stab at this guys!

“I’ve been dating this guy for 11 months and it has been all kinds of amazing, all shades of beautiful. He is decent, respectful, caring, nice, friendly. He is from my town in Imo state (a big deal if you’re from my family). I genuinely think I have kissed the last frog and he is the Prince I have been waiting for BUT there is one issue: he is so unforgiving and vindictive.

Whilst he was ‘toasting’ me and we were in the tell-me-about-you phase, he mentioned this to me, stating that it is a struggle he was battling with but that he finds it hard to forgive anyone who offends him. He also mentioned that it is the little things not the big things that tick him off. Subconsciously, since that day, I have been walking on eggshells around him. I censor my jokes. I hardly kid around him and I try to be proper. These are not big deals so I didn’t mind. I tell lewd jokes anyways so change in that area of my life is welcome.

A few weeks ago, I went out with him and his friends and watched him blatantly ignore a particular guy all through. In the car as we left, I asked him about it. To my utter amazement, I discovered that the guy he was ignoring all through was not even a random guy but was his cousin who had offended him 5 years ago by being rude to his mom. He was drunk that day and got rude, not only to my boyfriend’s mom but also to her sister who is his own mother. The next day, he had come over to apologise, beg, prostrate and my boyfriend’s mom had long since forgotten about it but not my boyfriend who vowed never to have anything to do with him. He boycotted his cousin’s wedding in February this year and blatantly acts like he doesn’t exist.

In my attempt to be a good wifey, I said, ‘babe, don’t you think that’s ungodly and not good enough? You should forgive him o. You are blood’. The response I got from him shocked me to my core and even as I type this up, I am still reeling in disbelief. ‘Look here, my friend, if you ever mention this matter again, you will not like the outcome. Stay out of what does not concern you.’ No one taught me how to go mute. I was shocked at his obstinacy. I was hurt by his words to me. All the way from VI to Ogudu where I live, we spoke not one word. He dropped me and just said ‘take care’ and zoomed off. It was me that called him the next afternoon to say ‘how are you?’ as the silence was killing me. The conversation was short.

I then read an article about giving guys space and not being too clingy or trying too hard so I decided not to get in touch with him till he does so. I even went as far as planning to ignore his first few BBMs or calls, whichever came before finally responding. I never got the chance. I didn’t contact him throughout Monday and neither did he contact me. Tuesday same. Wednesday same. On Wednesday, I decided to update my status and be dramatic bewailing the death of an ‘uncle’ I never knew that well. I put this up: Death where is thy sting, Uncle not you! and changed by dp to a lighted candle on a black background. My boyfriend ignored it. On Thursday at about 3pm, I couldn’t take it anymore and I called him. He didn’t pick at first. I called back a minute after and he picked. I told him how I was feeling and he reminded me of a few things:

1. He had told me in advance he hardly forgives;

2. This cousin extra hurt him because the wrongdoing was on a family member-people he does not mess with. To make matters worse, it was on his mother;

3. I butted in on something that does not concern me daring to preach to him; and

4. Did I not think that other people would have tried to settle this all these years? Who do I think I am to be telling him what is godly!

I stood there stunned. All I could say was, ‘I didn’t know. I am sorry’. We eventually ‘made up’ and carried on as normal but I just cannot shake the episode off.

The way he can keep malice with a family member with which he once was tight bothers me. Who then do I think I am to escape his lingering venom? I suspect he is the type who can live in the same house with someone for years and never speak with them. The sad part is that I really like him and aside of this, he is almost perfect.

Another side of me argues, can anyone really be perfect? Even I have my own problems. Does that then mean I should be discarded immediately? Should I pray and fast for his change? Or should I just realise this battle is not mine to fight and walk away because I might one day be a recipient of his unforgiving nature?

Help!”

What do you think people?

Temiville.xoxo

When the waiting period seems like forever…

Hi people, How is it going? Since Bar Part 1 ended, I’ve been home with my brothers and parents. The first couple of weeks were okay. It was great to be home and help out and also to cook. Yes, Bwari stifles your cooking mojo as there is no cooking allowed. However, after 3 weeks of being home, I can authoritatively say I am fed up and looking forward to November 12′s arrival. Being at home is just not my thing. I hardly have breaks between my tasks and like to keep each period filled. But oh well! A lot of Bar 1 students feel the same. Most lawyers will say we should try and enjoy the calm before the stress of Law School starts but to be honest with you, I am ready. Really fed up of being home plus with the whole fuel scarcity thing, randomly going to a friend’s house or going out cannot be happening. Every outing has to be well needed and well planned. Anyways, to today’s post. The story is told of a person whose big sister recently married a married man. I mean, I was uber excited when I learned of the proposal. You see, the girl in question is the last child and even she is about 3 years older than I am. Her big sister is the first child and there are 3 boys between them. My point is this, her sister was well into her 30s. She got married at 36, barely 3 months after the proposal. It was a sharp sharp thing. Almost as if, if they don’t marry immediately, the man may change his mind. So they did it. Her parents gave their blessing. What is shocking is that both parents are Christian (implication of which is that they are expected to understand God’s stance on polygamy). But everyone turned a blind eye to it. It was a case of, ‘wo, you cannot understand, God will not let you be 35 and unmarried, that’s when you will have a better understanding of how things are. Omode lo nshe e(Translation: you are a child and are not mature enough to understand these things). But really? How does God’s view change with the people in question’s age? I didnt’ think it did. I don’t think it did. I know it must be difficult for a 35 year old woman or even man to have no companion (if they so desire). I will not make light of the loneliness she must have been feeling but marrying someone else’s husband does not ever solve your problem. Only God can. The story is told of an even older woman who got married two weeks ago to a single man (a widower). God gave her her own man. Others have waited longer and have also gotten God’s best. I think when you go ahead and marry a married man, you are telling God He is just too slow for you and you are wiser and have faster methods of achieving your goal. The end result is not always so great. I think I have lived a highly shielded life and each time I hear of these things, I marvel. How can a young girl with so much prospects in life decide that a married man is the best thing for her? I don’t get it. How is the wife to feel? Or is it not considered? You hurt someone and bring them so much misery and you want to live happy. I don’t understand.

***

This brings me to my main point: in life, sometimes, things don’t always come exactly when we want them. Sometimes we have to sit back and watch our friends pass JAMB and go on to the University of their choices whilst our results are being withheld or we settle from Law to English or from Medicine to Marine Science. We sometimes even watch some go abroad whilst our parents are still struggling with tuition here in Nigeria. We watch some get amazing jobs whilst we keep getting rejected. We watch some get engaged at 24/25 whilst at 29/30+ we are still looking unto God and hoping the Dele we are seeing will stop cheating and start loving us. We watch some have weddings that almost rival the Royal Wedding with N1.5million naira cakes, $7000 wedding dresses, N3million naira venues, N240,000 make up artistes, N1 million naira wedding bands, Wizkid entertaining whilst we can hardly afford a wedding planner and are trying to see if the caterers can make food for 300 people go round 500 people or we just make it strictly by IV and invite only 200 people. Some even have to wait a while whilst their friends, exactly 10 months after marriage, are putting on their BB statuses, ‘My Princess has arrived’. It goes on and on. The point is this: whichever side of the divide you fall, there will be some areas of your life you feel less than satisfied with and need God’s intervention. During the waiting period, you’ll hear of others getting their own breakthroughs. But do not despair. The fact someone else has started eating the food God prepared them does not mean God has left the kitchen. Don’t DIY it. Your best attempt does not even come close to what God will do on His worst day. If you wait on Him, you’ll be glad you did. Don’t marry another man’s wife and vice versa. Don’t ask mammy water for a Child because you’ve been waiting too long (I watch too many Yoruba movies, lol). Don’t cheat your way into making money using the Section 419A Criminal Code means (sorry, I just had to put that in there hehe. I only just recently discovered that 419 is an actual section in the Criminal Code that criminalises obtaining by false pretences). Let God do His thing and as we wait, let us thank Him in advance for what He will do and thank Him for the great things He has done. Be genuinely happy for people getting those things you so terribly want knowing yours is not so far away. You see, I focus on marriage a lot because it is such a sensitive issue with life altering effects and as my mom says, marriage can make or mar you. If you cheat to make money, you can repent and make restitution but there is hardly any going back in marriage that would leave you unscathed. Also, the pressure on a lot of young people is too much. Even my dear aunties now, when they come around that’s all they focus on. They ask sweeping questions about my career and education but when it comes to relationship, they will sit down and interrogate me. I thank God for my parents who seem very happy to have me around and trust God’s timing. But even if your folks harangue you, be confident and let them know, God will do it as He makes all things beautiful in its time. During your waiting period don’t be like the girl up there who waits in isolation. No. have fun with your friends. Celebrate people’s achievements. Go for their promotion parties and contribute if asked to and don’t say, ‘shebi its him they promoted, why should I contribute to his party?’. Buy as many aso ebisas you can afford. I remember this lovely lady from Sheffield. She and her husband had been waiting on God for the fruit of the womb for more than 15 years. Each time someone had a baby, she’ll be the one to help carry the baby to dance to the front during the dedication. Today, her son is about two years old.

Beautiful aso ebi ladies

Ore Iyawos from Nigerianwedding.org

Pray for them. Rejoice with them and yours will come too. Temiville.xoxo

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Don’t go with the flow!

“You see, truth be told, Deola never asked me out. We simply went with the flow. Or rather, I did. As the current moved me, I followed. We had been together for 9 months when he told me he was not my boyfriend. I had always been careful. I never introduced him as my man for the time we’d been together but each time his friends called me ‘Our wife’ after eating the food I had so painstakingly prepared, I wouldn’t protest. Neither would Deola. For 9 months, we went to see a movie every week. For 9 months, I would perform all the roles of a girlfriend and Deola never deemed it fit to correct me.

Anyway, that is beside the point. What amazes me is the fact that all my friends blame me for being stupid. I must mention that during the 9 month period, only Jane vehemently expressed the opinion that I should ask Deola exactly what we were doing, the remaining two girls said I should let sleeping dogs lie and not ruffle any feathers. ‘Let him be, in due course, he’ll let you know where you stand’, they insisted. Now, it is the very same two girls who accuse me of being slow. Jane has been mute all through my speech of how the relationship between Deola and I has finally been defined- as nothing.”

***

Never go with the flow. It leads most people nowhere and the others to heartache and a life of uncertainty. Only a negligible few have good tales to tell  of how going with the flow have landed them in a good place.

Going with the flow is for the weak, those who have no self confidence and are so grateful to be in that ‘relationship’ that they dare not ask for its definition. They are happy with the crumbs. Even if the bread never comes their way.

You might think you are being a good, understanding, meek, wife material by keeping mute when things are not quite right. You are wife “material” but it might never get past that.

You allow yourself be walked all over. You say, I will be one of those who through faith and patience inherit the promise. No. It doesn’t work that way. That passage of the scripture refers to God not ‘your’ man.  Only God requires us to keep quiet, trust in Him even when things don’t seem right. Don’t place such confidence in a man. He does not even have such confidence in himself.

In the end, men like Deola end up with a girl who’s courageous enough to ask, ‘what do you want from me?’ from the get go and mean it, ready to walk away if the answer does not meet up with what God has revealed to be His plans for her life. You might do all the clothes washing, bathroom scrubbing, shirt ironing, yam pounding for him but that would not make a man who has no intention of anything serious with you suddenly say, ‘wow, she makes a wicked Egusi soup, she must be my wife!’

Finally, remember, only women usually enter into something with one mindset and along the line, ‘fall in love’. It hardly happens to men. On friends with benefit (aside of its traditional meaning, benefit also includes: companionship etc), a man once told me that the concept of friends with benefit is perfect for the male folk and the woman usually goes to mess it all up by beginning to realise how great the guy is and how if she tries harder, he might see how great she is too. So don’t be thinking you can make him love you.

Desperation makes us go with the flow. Confidence makes you pause and ask, ‘where is this leading?’ Keep looking unto God, the Author and Finisher of your faith and never settle for anything less than His best for you!

Temiville.xoxo

In search of a house

Hey guys!

How was the weekend? Mine was aight. I slept all through Saturday and after Church on Sunday, visited a couple of friends. Really lovely catching up with them.

A dear friend sent this to me. He thought to share his house hunting experience with people. Apparently, looking for apartments can be hellish! He has finally found a lovely place on the Island now and though I have not been there, I hear it’s amazing.

Enjoy!

***

My name is Neddy. I am a Legal Practitioner and I work in a law firm on the Island. Before moving to my current office, I used to work in a law firm on the Mainland (Surulere). It was convenient therefore for me to live on the Mainland (Ikeja) at that time. Having changed location, it became imperative for me to change the location of my residence. Further thereto, in January of this year I took a decision to search for an apartment.

My initial preferred locations were Surulere and Gbagada. Before now, I have never had reason to look for accommodation in Lagos and so it was not surprising that I was at sea as to whom and where to start from. Suddenly, it occurred to me that I have several colleagues who, in addition to their law practice, are involved in the business of real estate. I contacted a few of them and they in turn referred me to several estate agents.

I contacted Mr. Akpan in Surulere and he sounded very helpful on the phone. We then agreed to meet.I visited his office and he insisted that I fill out a form and pay a consultation fee of N3, 000.00. I was initially shocked but he explained, to my satisfaction, that the money will enable him make necessary contacts of available properties in the area. He further explained that until I paid the money, he was not going to take me around for inspection of the available properties suitable to my needs. I paid the money and he, there and then, made a few calls after which we commenced inspection.

He took me to a property off Itire road:two blocks of 2 bedroom and 3 bedroom flats. However, the gentleman at the gate informed us that the all the apartments had been rented out. Another property around stadium area suffered the same fate. We were told that the property had been rented out. At this point, I sought to know whether Mr. Akpan was indeed up –to- date with his information on his property list as I did not understand why we had to visit properties only to be told that they had been rented out. I wondered if there was not a better way of getting to know whether or not a property was available for rent.

At another date, we inspected two properties, both in Surulere and we encountered the same experience.. He tried to explain to me that looking for a house in Lagos was not an easy task. Yes, I agree. But considering the time and energy I had expended to move around inspecting properties (believing that these were available for rent) only to be told that they had been rented out, I was clearly flustered.

My last experience with Mr. Akpan will remain evergreen. He took me to a decrepit building at Hogan Bassey Street. The surrounding environment was not only dirty but very noisy. So bad was the building that one had to bend downwards to enter the house. I was completely shocked. Mr. Akpan was well aware of my humble status in life and the need for me to live in a decent house. How on earth did he think that I was going to accept to live in that kind of apartment even for free! But I could not blame him. He was desperate to earn a fee (I understand it is 10% commission of the rent payable by the tenant).

I contacted another agent at Anthony Village. Mr. Larry was so inefficient. He was more interested in collecting money from me than looking for a house. All the properties he took me to except one, like my Surulere experience,were occupied. But one amazing thing about Mr. Larry was his insistence on my payment of “transport” fees each time we went for an inspection. “Transport fees’ for futile inspection exercises!

My experience regarding the one property that I was able to see was an interesting one. The Landlady asked me several questions including whether or not I had a girlfriend. She then requested that I submit my personal details so that she could seek guidance from above as to whether or not I was suitable to be her tenant. I am still waiting in joyful hope for her to revert to me on her consultations. This process continued for three months until I contacted an agent in Lekki. After one week of search I eventually secured an apartment at Igbo Egbo. That then is my story of my house search in Lagos.

***

Wow!

I know someone who has been searching for a house for almost 3 months and apparently, he has been at it even longer. I really am grateful for my parents’ house and the fact that I’m a girl means it’s from Daddy’s house to husband’s house. I won’t have to live alone and be worrying about these things. I did all that back in school and it was sometimes a nightmare, not so much finding a place as the randomness of the bills. My friend lives alone somewhere in Oniru and has to be worrying about generator, NEPA etc.

Anyways, just thought to share.

Have a blessed week.

PS: I have a fringe/bangs on and I absolutely HATE it! *wailing loudly* The heat is unbearable!!! If not ’cause I never have time, I ‘d have had it taken out. Don’t do a fringe! Learn from my experience!

Temiville.xoxo