Hello MCLA readers,
I have keenly followed this blog and especially comments from fellow readers on life issues. I have also commented a lot on issues and I know how useful these can be so here I am with my own issue:
I am a happy 23 year old girl and I have this friend who, so far, has been a good part of my life. We are not best buddies but we were good friends, good enough for me to easily open up to her about my concerns and deep issues. She has always been amazing and sweet but she recently hurt me. Badly.
I know the importance of forgiveness and so I committed my hurts, pains and disappointments into God’s hands and I have let it go. I do not want my prayers getting hindered because of unforgiveness as God expressly tells us that the unforgiving will not have his prayers answered. His Word says:
Heb 12:14 Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord:
Heb 12:15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;
Mat 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Mat 6:15 But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Luke 17:3 So watch yourselves. “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.
Luke 17:4 If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”
However, despite all these, I am finding it difficult maintaining a constant relationship (of any sort) with her. I tried but I realise that with every chat, phone call or encounter, my pain gets refreshed, revisited and I feel a great and renewed sense of hurt. I also realise that when I don’t hear from her or chat with her, I feel peace whenever I think of her even to the extent of praying for her and wishing her well in all her ways. Point is this, I do not think we can keep being friends at least not just yet. In fact, I think we can only be distant acquaintances. Recently, I hid her from my Twitter and Facebook timeline and I find myself happier when I don’t see her constant updates.
I have justified my reasoning as practising the words of King Solomon in Proverbs 4 where we are encouraged to guard our hearts. My way of guarding my heart is to steer clear of her. It’s like your boyfriend cheating, you breaking up and he wanting to remain ‘good friends’. It just won’t happen immediately (if ever at all). This doesn’t mean you have not forgiven him though! I wish her good but honestly, I believe living peaceably with all men doesn’t mean being best friends. Instead, it means knowing your level with all and being able to be civil with everyone even if it means doing so from a safe distance.
But please guys, what do think?
Confused in Canley.
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As usual people, let’s do this! Muse away, that is…
PS: I have very radical views about the last post concerning the young girl, the man and his wife. I will share them shortly. Have a lovely week. I wish you all God’s blessings and favour in everything you set out to accomplish.
Temiville.xoxo
Mar 12, 2012 @ 15:19:21
lol! And the reason why you said you are 23 is?
If it was something related to marriage etc I would understand cos sometimes the age helps to guide what to say.
Honestly just wondering
Mar 12, 2012 @ 15:39:34
It seems you know exactly what to do and what is best for you.
I’m not sure it’s something a third party can really tell you as they don’t know the details of the situation which may or may not affect the response you get.
In my opinion, do what you know is best for you…simples!
Mar 12, 2012 @ 15:39:44
Hi, I don’t see anything wrong with what you are doing. I do it a lot. Its my own way of healing. I delete numbers, remove contacts from mγ bbm,block on fb. It doesn’t mean you are evil. Its just a way of healing fast. Well, it works well for me. After all said α̲̅πϑ done, Give it time. Noything heals like it. In no time, you’ll find out that you can pray for her without feeling bad,take her calls without being hurt. Finally, We can’t be friends with everyone, neither can we love all equally. I tell myself that its not in the number of friends I have but in their quality.
Mar 12, 2012 @ 16:04:32
I believe u are a good christian. Do what u think Christ would do. Afterall that’s d whole essence of christianity. I think you are doing good wit the way u are trying to heal and all, but you can do better. Allow the Christ in you to shine. Love and forgive just like God does.
Mar 12, 2012 @ 16:38:36
Hi, I don’t think you’re actions are necessarily wrong, but what you may need to be very cautious of is the direction your heart goes in. That’s where it could become murky.
Physical distance is quickly translated into a circumcision of sorts. Out of sight is out of mind, but that doesn’t ‘necessarily’ mean you’re healed over the hurt. It could mean that, but it could also just mean that you don’t have to deal with it because it’s been plastered over.
Just last week I had a conversation with some friends about forgiveness. I was of the opinion that it’s quite important to remember that it’s not a one time decision as with many things in the life of a Christian.
It’s kind of like working a muscle out, it only grows through repetition. The annoying part is the stress and strain of working out regularly, but the good part is the healthy strong muscle you get in the end.
One of my friends was of the opinion that forgiveness is not ‘complete’ until all traces of animosity, or any negative feeling have gone.
I didn’t agree with that simply because while our feelings matter a great deal, I don’t think they should be the measuring stick.
Either way, I believe you’ve started out the right way. I think you might be able to add one thing to what you’re doing. Pray for her constantly.
Some years back a friend of mine was talking marriage with someone. One day on a call the person told my friend they had gotten engaged. A toughie if ever there was one for my friend, hurt and betrayed to say the least.
My friend was lead to pray for this person, every day for a season, until the SPIRIT gave my friend a release. It might sound tedious, well it is, but I think those are the kind of faithful responses that delight GOD. Plus I can’t see how that could to go wrong where there’s uncertainty. Even if GOD wants you to approach it some other way, somewhere in all that prayer, HE will make it known to you.
So keep forgiving her, pray for her, and ask GOD for a release. For all you know, HE might reveal a hurt she can’t deal with that led her to hurting you and HE can use the experience to make you both stronger people (that’s definitely HIS plan for you and if she’s Christian, her too) and good friends as bonus…
Mar 12, 2012 @ 17:12:35
I think you’re right to take your time, but don’t give up in trying to re-integrate. All the best.
Mar 12, 2012 @ 17:49:24
I agree with Myne, do what you need do to get a closure (forgive and forget) but don’t rule out being friends. And if you are a Christian, pray about it.
Mar 12, 2012 @ 17:51:35
Hey, I don’t see wats wrong wit ur approach to healing. One of my besties dat was more lyk a sis hurt me real bad in 2007. It was so bad cos our families were involved. People tried to intervene on her behalf wen she realized wat she did nd of couse, I cut dem all off from my life. I couldn’t stand any conversation that involved her nd her family.
Tym have really soften the hatred I developed for her over dis years. She sent me a message nd friend request on fb asking for my friendship. Then I realized that I wasn’t angry wit her anymore nd dat rush of hate wasn’t in me bt I also realized dat I didn’t want to b her friend again so I didn’t accept her request.
Dearie, take ur tym. Always know dat wat won’t kill u wil only make u stronger.
Mar 12, 2012 @ 20:37:56
I think the title is appropriate for the decision you ought to take. Forgive, but distance yourself as much as you can from situations that would want to remind you of the pain/hurt. It’s tempting to wanna “be friends” in the guise of being like Christ, but it can also be foolishness. And be honest, let the person know just how you feel. “I’ve forgiven you, but I can’t afford (if only just yet) to be around you cos I don’t want to be reminded of what you’ve done to me.” Simple. My token.
Mar 13, 2012 @ 09:13:06
Dear ‘Confused in Canley’,
Going by the things you’ve expressed above, you cut across as a woman with a beautiful heart. This has got nothing to do with your age. Not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime, it is imperative to understand this. If it were so, we would be burdened with some unnecessary baggages. We were created with an innate ability to make decisions and choices for our ultimate good.
The actions you’ve taken, I find in order. Frankly speaking, I did the same about four months ago after objectively evaluating the dynamics of the friendship, the emotional drain, the give and take ratio amongst other things. An instant calm overcame me afterwards.
Healing for some could be a process and sometimes the deliberate creation of distance might be needed for clarity and sanity sakes! It’s pointless second-guessing your actions since you already find relief by so doing. Your heart seems to be in the right place concerning her, which is a sign of genuine forgiveness.
We’ve been admonished to L♥√ع our neighbour as ourselves NOT more than ourselves. Forgiveness does not mean we should abandon all sense of reasoning, neither does it require us putting on a cloak of stupidity. It is perfectly alright to forgive and keep the distance as long as the intent is not grudge.
Pray you God’s best…peace!
http://nubianwaters.wordpress.com.
(Funny, posted on the issue of forgiveness only yesterday. You might find it helpful too)
Mar 13, 2012 @ 09:42:32
Forgive n you shall be forgiven.
Forget and you shall be forgotten.
So forgive but dont forget.
Now forgiving and forgetting does not mean u hold or bear grudges, all it is, is that the issue has been forgiven, n the slight or insult or whateveryoumaycallit cast to the river of no return but if your friendship is not rocked by it, then move on but if u can not help but remember the slight etc, it helps in putting a physical distance to the cause but as been previously advocated, there is tremendous healing power in the act of Catharsis.
Now, my real advise is this, forgive your friend, put yourself in her shoes and see how if feels to be her for if two friends do not have an argument or a cat-fight over any issue(no matter how mundane), then what you had is a pretense and not friendship cos true friends will always accept the other as they come, flawed or otherwise.
This comment don reach a new post o…
Mar 14, 2012 @ 09:45:07
First thing first. Forgiveness like the kind needed here, will be a process. And you have begun that process. I’ve had a situation like this. And I’m also a strong devout Christian. Honey, you may think you have forgiven your friend, but you haven’t totally done so. You have to forgive her to that point where, your heart won’t race when you see her. That point where you have no affect towards her. Have y’all even discussed the issue between you, and has she sincerely apologised too? These are also parts of the process.
It doesn’t mean you have to trust her again. Just let all feelings towards her go.
Mar 15, 2012 @ 09:13:09
i believe you have done what is best for you. guard your heart.
Mar 16, 2012 @ 16:35:34
as long as you can truly say you hear her name or a reference to her and feel no resentment – not even an inkling <– the definition of forgiveness by some – then i reckon whatever happens next (i.e. bosom buddies or acquaintances) is ok …
Mar 17, 2012 @ 15:31:35
I agree with Nubianwaters comment. Personally, i used to have a friend that consistently hurt my emotions time and time again and I would always go back to apologise because I felt I was representing Christ and trying to be a good christian. It was until the day I realised that she played and toiled with my emotions and basically takes advantage of my humility. I immediately cried out to God explained myself, afterwards went on fb blocked her (its felt awesome). Deleted her number of my mobile (triple awesome). I completely renewed my mind and let go of the hurt and pain. Jesus said do not cast your pearls before swine. Do not allow people to take advantage of you for something that can be stopped. Abeg, I need my sanity.
All I can say life is a learning process and people come in our lives and create scenarios for a reason to make a us stronger and help us to find who we are. I have learnt friendship is not by force, it by choice. If i do not want you in my life then I do not. It is my choice, probably triggered by the pain you caused but it cool, I know more about myself and humans now.
So my point: pray about it and do as the spirit leads. You do not have to justify yourself to anyone other than your saviour.
Mar 17, 2012 @ 21:01:33
Forgiveness and healing from hurts people caused you can be a tough one. I really find it hard to advise you because you didnt mention what exactly the your friedn did to you.