Quick Question:
My boyfriend and his ex are best friends!
Ok, so on a jealousy scale of 1-10, I would rate myself 1 as I hardly get jealous. I’m very friendly, open, understanding and so it is easy for me to let things slide. It has worked for me in the past as I build so much trust in my relationships and for some reason, none of my 3 exes cheated on me (not that I found out anyway). Maybe there is this law of ‘Labeling and The Self-fulfilling Prophecy’ that takes place whereby because a guy knows that you trust him, he does not want to let you down. The point however is I’m a trusting girl and I’m a fun and free person so I don’t give any guy close marking and this has worked for me in the past. I have loads of friends and prefer having a life outside my relationship so I’m generally not clingy.
***
I started dating Okechukwu in February and frankly, I have nothing wrong to report regarding the way he treats me. He is everything I have wanted in a man and I won’t even bother trying to list out his many virtues. I love and appreciate him. There is one issue however: his ex, Lillian.
They broke up in 2009 after 2 years of dating. As soon as they broke it off, they both started dating other people but by early 2010, they were back together only to break up again in October of the same year. But since their ‘break up’, nothing much has changed in respect of the frequency of their contact and in fact, their friendship seems to have gone stronger.
I didn’t know either of them until New Years’ Day this year where I met Okechukwu at a mutual friend’s party so a lot of the initial information I got was based on ‘gist’. My friend, Salewa who knew them from living in Omole Estate with them gave me stories of how tight they were and how no one can really put their fingers on any changes in the way they relate since their breakup. It is as though nothing had happened.
Now, let’s disregard all the gist I have heard and focus on what I have seen with my own eyes. Lillian and his three sisters are practically best of friends. They all went to QC together and so were friends even before Okechukwu started dating her. In fact, as you probably guessed, they met through his sisters and her frequent visits to their home back in the day. This was since 1996 so basically, Lillian has known their family for 15 years. They have all blended in nicely so much so that their parents are friends too.
I have several instances of where their ‘harmless closeness’ has gotten on my last nerve. For instance, there was a day I came to Okechukwu’s as early as 9 am on a Saturday as we were supposed to attend my cousin’s wedding together only for me to find Lillian vacuuming the living room in her night gown, her REVEALING night gown. His sisters too were doing one chore or the other in their nighties too which probably were revealing as well but still, all I could see was Lillian and her indecent look. I couldn’t help having a frown all the way to the church. I later found out that sleepovers are the norm with them and her parents, once they find out that she is with the Ezes would not even bother about her anymore. I was less than pleased with this revelation. I told Okechukwu and all he could say is that they are more than exes, they are family friends too and that I should stop seeing her as Lillian, his ex girlfriend and more like Lillian, his sisters’ friend and their tight family friend.
I don’t know why but this bothers me a whole lot. She is single as we speak and I know how they went back to each other even when they had both ‘moved on’ into other relationships. Aside of being family friends, they are close friends. They call each other about everything. We would be together and bang!, she would call him to rant about her car AC that is not getting so cold anymore. He too has made some calls to her in my presence that makes me reel in anger. The other day, he called her to moan about his monthly targets at work and how he is yet to meet them. They talk about the most important things; they talk about the most mundane things. And all these scare me. I have this feeling that I am deceiving myself and that they will still get back together.
His dad, mom and sisters are all very nice to me. But they have a different type of relationship with Lillian. Lillian is an only child and is practically like their fourth daughter. They laugh with her, share so many memories, they know all the people they gist about (which I have absolutely no idea about). They know each others’ relatives and vice versa, his mom scolds her like one of the girls and sometimes the girls even fight like sisters do. All these worry me a great deal and I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. I know he cares for me but I don’t know how I can be totally at peace with such a strong bond between them.
On my birthday last month, he got me the most amazing and thoughtful gift ever. I was so impressed with it but as soon as I found out that Lillian picked it out for me, I immediately hated it. He got mad at me for my reaction and said I have to accept that Lillian is like his sister and it was as good as his sister picking out a present for me. I didn’t think so. I don’t think so.
I could go on and on about how tightly knit their little clan is, how Lillian features in so many pictures in their family album from when she was just a teenager, how she has loads of pictures wearing aso ebi with them, how even on their dad’s iPad, her pictures are littered everywhere under ‘Kids’ folder, how his mom can call her to help her buy something and bring it over to theirs (they live a few streets from each other in Omole Estate) without thinking about it twice, how she picks up their landline and almost every time I have witnessed this, she knew the person calling and they gisted for a while before passing the phone to whomever was being called, how his parents contributed towards her grandma’s burial. It is actually upsetting. I feel very irritated by it all but he seems to think I’m being unreasonable and jealous.
I don’t really say more than ‘hi’ to her though she seems to be going out of her way to be nice to me. I feel she is being condescending as though she sees my discomfort with the whole situation and takes pleasure in it. I feel as though at the end of the day, I will be the fool.
What do I do?
That was the question I promised to post yesterday. What are your thoughts on this guys?
NB: Not my personal story… 
Temiville.xoxo
Aug 02, 2011 @ 08:06:32
Hmm my dear pls as I was reading dis..I believe u kno the answer to ur question..ur bf nd his family are not ready to let that gyrl go..my advice is talk to the gyrl..that she is crossing her boundaries if ur bf chastises u about what u said to her..u av ur answer.. My dear pls help urself now..if u were my sis..oh my my..but I am saddened..jst stand ur ground..either u or her..if he cnt understand dat u r pirority..then get ur ex to be ur bestfriend..let ur ex do all his ex does too..pick up d fone..be in ur she in his boxers..let’s see how he likes dem apples…but dear u kno in ur heart what to do…
Aug 02, 2011 @ 10:38:51
Ah no o, the last thing she wants to do is talk to that girl. If the girl’s intentions are to get back with Oke, then she has given her serious ammunition by speaking with her. She should assess the situation on her own. This man has given her answers to this question “Lilian is my family friend that I used to love o_O”.
Aug 02, 2011 @ 08:09:49
I STRONGLY believe that there should be a level of Civility between exes but the scenario you presented is just too discomforting and unsettling for anyone who will reason with the head and not the heart.
Remember the Story of a Prince Charles and Camilla, then enters Diana but in the end, Diana lost out because the Prince an Camilla naturally ‘clicked’ more than Prince and Diana.
I am not a prophet but if you ever get married to Him, know this and know well that she will always be in your face and when the inevitable happens; quarrels/disagreements in marriage, he may end up finding emotional comfort with her and infidelity will easily creep in.
Can you live with that?
Jan 30, 2012 @ 22:36:14
You couldn’t have said it better. When a guy or girl comes with unneccessary baggage, kid not yourself and leave before you get too deep.
Aug 02, 2011 @ 09:15:52
The lady should run as far she can for now because the guy is not ready for anything, no commitment, no love not even respect. pls quit d relationship right now……he is not ur man. if u force urself to marry him, he will cheat on you oneday, even beat up. go now dont wait…..you must run before it’s too late.
Aug 02, 2011 @ 09:40:39
Tough one but I think she should just leave her boyfriend alone. His ex is too much in the picture. His family, his friends, his sisters haba.
Like what abaryummy CEO just said the story about Prince Charles, Diana and Camilla. Look at what happened at the end. Diana lost out big time, even though the whole world loved her, I don’t think she ever had the love of her husband.
http://www.secretlilies.blogspot.com
Aug 02, 2011 @ 10:19:46
I know it going to be hard making the obvious decision.
life presents us with options…. its the choices we make that determine our fate. I dissagree with @Tolu about talking with Lilian. If u end up having a chat with her, it will be in your face, becos u’ll be sure she’s going to share ur ‘little chat’ with him and his sisters (considering their closeness)… am sure u dont want that ‘little chat’ coming back to u… It is well
Aug 02, 2011 @ 10:34:34
Wow, I think this story has shown how immature I am (sigh). I am sitting here, thinking hard and trying to be rational. I put myself in your shoes and…not a chance. I do not seriously date men with female bfs, sorry that is a deal breaker. I can not stomach a man running to some other woman telling her the important things, the fights we have, things that are or should be reserved for me (selfish yes but no man receives that treatment from me so he should act accordingly). I probably have a long way to go sha but I do not specialize in third wheel relationships (whether it is a man or woman that is the bf). They just broke up in October, for some people that is a long time but these two….I see a reunion happening again. One can say they might be better off as friends, to this I say buillocks. Anyway, I will leave this question to more mature minds. I am not the most jealous person but I have a healthy dose of it. I do not sit lightly on these types of relationships as there are 3 many things that could happen.
Aug 02, 2011 @ 11:10:45
Temi, you really exaggerated this story Haba!
Aug 02, 2011 @ 14:04:44
Worse and more ectreme thinds have happened o. Maybe I’ll submit mystory to Temi to post up too. this life is filled with all sort of dramas. Things are happening.
Aug 02, 2011 @ 11:26:25
This sounds familiar Temi. I have been the Lillian and yes, it is possible to have a best friend of the opposite sex. I had a male bf and we made the mistake of turning it into romance. That was my error. We were so in tune with each other but we should have left it as friendship. I think this is what Oke and Lillian are realizing. If he had something to hide, he would not involve you in it in the first place. They made a mistake thinking friendship and filial love amounted to eros. I think you should learn to be secure and stop stressing. You’ll be fine
Aug 02, 2011 @ 12:47:42
I really dont get something. Its said that its best to marry one’s friend i.e. friendship should always come before romance. So why postulate that bestfriends should never date each other? I thought that’s supposed to make it better.
Aug 02, 2011 @ 14:03:07
Hi Enigma, dont get me wrong o lol. Its good for those dating to be friends…great friends. But there are some ppl that were just supposed to be your friends/pals that you end up messing things up with by fooling around wit them. all boyfriend/girlfriends should be friends but not all friends should be bf/gf.
I blurred the distinction in my case.
hope its clearer now sha.
Aug 02, 2011 @ 18:40:16
do i conclude that one JUST KNOWS when a friendship should be taken further and when to maintain status quo?
Aug 02, 2011 @ 11:53:33
We made the mistake of having sex and I guess that made it hard because we fell a few times after that but never when either one of us was in a relationship. Now, I’m in a relationship and so is he and we have double dated once in a while. I told my boyf about it. He freaked out like you but he has understood now how things are. It is not goin to be easy for you to be strong but nagging will only make him run to him mor and more.
I have reduced contact with the guy in question but anytime and anyday he is still one of my best frineds. This dude has sacrificed so much for me and i have done some deep sturvz for him too and no guy/girl can come btw us. But we understand that it is within the limits of friendship. The mistake Lillian and Oke made was converting a good friendship to a romance. Did they have sex? If they did then that will probably make it harder but its still not impossible. Please, advice to you: hope you are not sleeping with him? Dont. Aside of the Bible and all, for now, you should not.
You neeed to be secure. Please. If Lillian is like I was, then she probably means no harm. You need to take it off your mind and focus on building your relationship instead of worrying that will lead to nagging. You knowe his past. She is his past. He chose you. So be happy and work at it. Every relationship has its drama. This is yours. You have to deal with it. Sorry for typos. Rushing and trying not to get caught. .
Aug 02, 2011 @ 12:37:24
“I have reduced contact with the guy in question” This is key
Unfortunately, this is not the case with Oke. Oke and Lilian might run into issues when they are married to other people if they continue to communicate the way they do. I have close male friends but my man takes priority(after all I chose him and not the male friends) to become my lover, bf and partner. Any deep things I have to share that can not be shared with the hubby is shared with my female friends or sisters or brothers if I need a male perspective…Out of respect for my man. I would want him to do the same for me. The problem with situations like this is that 1 party out of the 2, always has that thought of getting back together, we can only vouch for our feelings. That is why it is important to do what JolaadeO has done, give a good distance when you are committed to another. Don’t leave anything to chance. If this person is a good friend, they will understand and also fall back.
Aug 11, 2011 @ 22:23:20
I have to agree with JolaadeO.
I can relate to her story and that of the Blogger’s. It is all about being secure in who you are and your importance to him. Giving your bf an ultimatum would only drive him away (or to his “bff”) out of anger and not real love. My advice is just to work on building trust within yourself and with your bf. The times you feel most awkward or out of place with him or his family is the time to jump feet first into the moment, if there is someone you don’t know ask questions, be genuinely interested in whatever the conversation. The more anger or dislike you show to lillian the more your bf will jump to her defense and build up a wall that surrounds him, his family and the “bff”, putting you on the outside.
Also remember to pray about the relationship. If that is where God wants you to be, then that is where you will be. If it is not, ask Him to open your eyes and heart to the truth. Use wisdom and not emotions to guide your actions and interactions. You will come out better for it.
#SpeakingFromExperience
http://www.mikkisoxtra.com/
Aug 02, 2011 @ 11:55:19
Nagging will make him run to *her.
Aug 02, 2011 @ 12:49:55
Temi, like most people, when I started reading this, i thought – ditch the dude and run a mile. But after reading the post, i feel like you’ve missed something out – why did they break up? I think that would explain why your boyfriend is adamant about the prospects of the relationship.
it’ll be a shame if someone as patient and open as you are become super jealous – granted you have reason to be – but why not take your boyfriends words for it and beleive that there is nothing going on. In fact be your self and carry on trusting him at least until he gives you reason not to. In fact, dare I suggest, get close to Lillian, find out what’s going on with her and be friends with her. Surely she can’t be that bad, there are good things about her.
It’s silly to start beefing her because she used to date your ex. All the time you spend pouting and being moody could be time you’re enjoying your bf’s presence. Don’t forget, you’re his girl friend now. Lillian has been in his face for 15 years, he’s been there and done that, yet he chose you. Surely he’s done that for a reason. Don’t give him reason to think you’re a typical Naija babe that like drama and goes all loco at the sight of another babe (no offence to anyone who recommends that at all) just saying, be objective about this, put your heart to one side and think about this logically and be honest with yourself. I’d also recommend having a heart to heart convo with him so he knows how irritating it is that Lillian is the person he calls to rant about stuff – let him know you’re there to talk. Above all, try very hard not to get in a strop when they talk and hang out – a jealous babe can be very off putting.
Just my two cents – feel free to ignore it.
Aug 02, 2011 @ 14:38:14
To me she should get herself out of the situation..there is no other solution…for his parents to allow their son’s to sleep ova knowing he has a gf..nd d sisters too..mehn..u kno d family dnt regard his now gf..15yrs..my a$$..haba..plus bf is not ready to let go..mehn there is no understanding she shld pack nd zoom to a man dat understands she shld b d center of his world.. But I really feel Oke nd his ex r traditionally married..promises av been made..dowry paid..also..d family sees her as their iyawo…abeg girl leave dat guy..its his loss..get out while u still can.
I suggested she shld av a talk with his ex..cuz she might not b aware she’s crossing boundaries..but yall r also right.
If a guy doesn’t kno ur worth..bounce..cuz at dis point him nd family aren’t ready tp let go of Lillian..
Aug 02, 2011 @ 14:39:51
This does sound quite familiar and I can see why she is uncomfortable with the scenario…I think instead of walking away so soon, she needs to have a proper chat with the dude…and things like Lillian picking out her birthday gift is not cool and insensitive of him as I’m sure if he was in the same situation, he would not like it.
Also, boundaries need to be set, clearly defined and well understood boundaries…so that both parties know – this is important in all realationships me thinks…this should include issues discussed with “friends” re their relationship and so on…
His mum being nice to her is a good sign and them having Lillian’s pictures all over the house is something no one can change as it is a relationship that had been built over a long period of time and frankly I don’t think she can change that…. I imagine by the time Lillian gets in a relationship of her own, she might experience the same challenge from her boyfriend not been confortable with your bf, hence she will spend less time in their house…hopefully
In the event that all your effort has no positive effect, please my dear…start seeking God for the bone of YOUR bone… All the best
Aug 02, 2011 @ 14:41:29
@msluffa she has spoken to him he said she’s being unreasonable nd jealous…
To him Lillian isn’t doing anything wrong..Lillian has his trust..since he tells her everything..unlike his gyrl..just sees her as..yea..my gf..I’m on a break with Lillian so b my rebound u get. Basically best of both wrlds..so sad.
Aug 02, 2011 @ 15:05:33
My view of the story is clearly very jaded… i didn’t get that her bf is so cavalier about the relationship. If that’s the case then that needs to be considered. I still think there’s more to the story than Temi has shared.
Why did they break up on the two attempts at a relationship?? if it was over something trivial – which i doubt – then yes, perhaps they will get back together and it won’t be unreasonable to assume they are really just taking a break from what could have been a really intense situation.
But you never know sometimes there are some things that happen between a couple where not matter how passionate you are about each other, you could never be together. For all we know, Lillian is his half sister.( see what watching too many Nollywood movies does) and the whole family know it but can not dare say anything about it to Temi.
Aug 02, 2011 @ 14:54:56
Hmmm. was gonna comment as soon as I saw it dis mrg, but decided to wait… The answer is right there. Babe should move of.. cuz somehow, Oke is still going back to Lillian o… I never thot I would say this but have been in a Lillian kinda situation b4. not with an ex tho. This isn’t about insecurity or jealousy. Like someone rightly pointed out, the family isn’t ready to let go of Lillian. Even if Oke doesn’t marry her, am sure somewhere in their minds they would be wishing you were Lillian.You best bet is to run…
Aug 02, 2011 @ 15:59:34
Its kind of strange. Well, I will feel kind of strange, if i see my guy’s ex all over his house, (even if she were a family friend). There is a saying “if it is doubtful, then it is what it is”. I think you know this, that’s why you are asking what you should do.
You are the only one that has the answer to your own question. But I want to ask you something, If you feel this way about Lillian now, how would you feel if you eventually get married to Oke? Please think about it, because Lillian ain’t going no where, neither will the love the entire family has for her!!!
Aug 02, 2011 @ 16:43:56
Hmmm o le ga ju *as my Yoruba peeps will say*..
First thing first, pray about it and ask yourself what are you willing to put up with now and during marriage? you tell your man how you feel and he should draw the line but from the story above, it seem like dude doesn’t have a chalk talkless of knowing how to draw the line.
Or better still, you shouldnt heat the oven if you aint ready to make the roast. If you know that attitude isnt sitting well with you and you have spoken to him but he is talking another thing, for your peace of mind, I will say walk out of what you cant live with especially when you cant change it or compromise.. Obviously its bothering you, if this leads to marriage, you will still be uncomfortable which could eventually make you loose trust in your hubby. You know that trust is key in every relationship.
Aug 03, 2011 @ 00:50:34
dare i comment on this?
hmmm… the problem with most of us stems from pretense, not wanting anyone to think we are weak. so we act like its okay and die inside.
come on! girls are girls. the ex will gloat, no doubt. as has been rightfully stated above, it does not sound like the family is ready to let her go just yet.
this is not just about jealousy. these are actions, that even guys would not tolerate. okay, so u cannot do anything about her being at the house (even if he says she shouldn’t, i’m pretty sure the rest of his family would object, especially the sisters), but he should know where to draw the line.
i always say that a relationship between two people cannot be understood by any third party. he’s your man, i’m hoping you both communicate. sit him down and describe it all as best as you can. if he flips and accuses you of being unnecessarily jealous, maybe you need to give him space for while.
re-discover yourself. yes, we all fight the female clock so everyone is rushing to wed. do not throw yourself into long term misery. sit back and re-evaluate everything. if you cannot talk to him, there’s already a problem.
i see myself in your shoes and right now, i think i understand the feeling. find ways to make yourself happy and if he does not fit into that sphere, someone has to let go. it will hurt, terribly, but better this way that a a whole life of sorrow. you’ll find your own if he isn’t the one. being miserable more than 1/3rd of the time in your relationship is not healthy
i apologize for the lengthiness of this.
i pray you find the right answers to what you seek. you need to ask God for directions love. we can only give opinions, but however valid our arguments, sometimes in issues of the heart, we might be wrong.
Aug 03, 2011 @ 02:37:03
Seems to me like Oke wants to eat his cake and have it. He wants the bond he shares with Lilian which they developed through the years and also keep a girlfriend. It is not okay to have a best friend that is a girl and not your partner. Him saying that there is nothing between them, she is just like a sister to him and all that , he can only speak for himself. Maybe he doesnt want anything with Lilian anymore but is that what Lilian wants too. She seems to be playing her cards well and she definately has so much in her favour. I think you should talk to him again and let him know that you are not comfortable with their closeness, if he insists that he would not change, let him go his way. There is no need being with a man who has another girl in the picture because at all times there will be always be 3 of u in the bed.
Aug 03, 2011 @ 05:06:36
Hmm..this is a tough one. Let her go with her guy feel, it can’t be easy to have a partner who’s closer to to someone else.
Aug 03, 2011 @ 15:36:28
Like Unveilinggold mentioned earlier, I believe that prayer is the key to the dilema you are in. We as humans try to worry and think so much about things when the bible says “Cast all your burdens on the Lord”. Go to him and ask him for answers to what is bothering you and he will give you the green light on what to do. In addition, I will say go to the Lord and ask him for guidance on how you can communicate your feeelings to your bf w/out being confrontational and let him know how his actions affect you. Further I will advice trying to find out why they broke up in the first place before having the heart to heart discussion with your bf and (if its God’s will that you will be together) work at making him your best friend and with time his ex will definitely and truly become a thing of the past.
Aug 04, 2011 @ 08:38:03
“…Lillian is like his sister and it was as good as his sister picking out a present for me. I didn’t think so.” on the contrary, i agree with him.
Make Lillian an ally and she can’t ‘fight’ against you.
Aug 06, 2011 @ 13:50:21
keep your enemies closer. show her you are up to her game. trust me it would be fun. Make her like your sister.
Aug 06, 2011 @ 13:51:22
temi you said you would start a series but you just wrote the primere of season one why now?
Aug 07, 2011 @ 02:41:30
I don’t know. I would say run Temi, run. But only you really knows the deal,
Aug 08, 2011 @ 15:18:38
@Jay-D: liking your advice….
Aug 10, 2011 @ 08:43:32
Echoing what a lot of people have said, a relationship/courtship helps you determine what you can or cannot tolerate from your intended spouse….and pls do not mistake this for having no love….yes love covers all and takes no account of evil or wrong but God has given us common sense to know what to do and what not to do…
it is widely believed that whatever either party portrays in courtship or in the course of a relationship should be discounted by at least 50?% for marriage cos people r generally on their best behavior during courtship or when they are in a relationship.
So you and only you know what you can tolerate…if you have spoken to Oke n he still sees no need for change n u sure as hell cant tolerate it i beg pack your bags n go….no point bothering God with your prayers cos the answer is there for you to see (sorry if i sound harsh but its the truth n its BITTER).
it will hurt but in the end you are better of without the head.heart aches.
SELAH
Dec 28, 2011 @ 23:07:09
If there is this problem now, there will ALWAYS be this problem. Lilian is here to stay. Even if Oke stops being friends with her, she is ‘family’ and you will ALWAYS run into her at family events (should you get married to him). What caused their breakup? Is it something they could resolve?If yes, then they will definitely get back together somehow. If the examples that you have given here, bad as they are, are not the worst of “Lilian in our life”, then girl, RRRRRRUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!! Some girls can stomach this but definitely not you from what you have said.
Jan 08, 2012 @ 16:42:28
Mehn……….I don’t think hanging around is a good idea. There’s nothing bad in them being friends,but in this case she’s all up in your face. Truth is her presence ordinarily constantly mocks you,”that you be there o,me I don already turn wife finish, All that remains is for him to come back to his senses and then put a ring on my finger”. Personally,I feel you already know the answer to your question,you’re just scared of taking that BOLD step. Relationships are all about making sacrifices. If he does care for you,keeping quite a distance would be a good start to showing you off.
Jan 27, 2012 @ 12:42:38
they still have feelings for each other.knowing that the guy has a gf and woudnt want to break her heart so he decided to make his ex his bestfriend.I bet you things aint right in your relationship
Jan 30, 2012 @ 22:31:38
I would say the lady have nothing to worry about since the guy as assured her an d girl is aware of their relationship and she is nice too but if she isn’t comfortable still, I would suggest she simply end the relationship and move on
Jan 27, 2013 @ 17:49:03
are you still in the relationship?
Mar 03, 2013 @ 15:48:49
Get out – you are worth so much more. I am having the same done to me. We both are worth more.